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10 years how could she throw it away?

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rugswept posted 7/15/2020 16:07 PM

Let's see... they start this smiley chit chat, oh, he's so nice 5 months ago snowmobiling. And then, magically they've only gotten intimate ONCE, when you caught them, right there in your favorite place.

Then she says, oh, the past 5 months..there's something wrong with YOU???

And, they're brazenly banging away and finishing the night together in your cabin, your special place.

And this was a ONE OFF????
I think she was on with this guy over the whole time. When that "girls' night stuff" started, and not around, etc. She was with him.

After you "caught them", and then you see him around again... that's because they were still an item.

You know what to do: stop the denial, accept it for what it is, and be very grateful you're not M with her at all. At least you can end it without any further consideration. But, my goodness, what a liar she sounds like. When they lie to us, we just want to believe them and they lie with such ease. We've all been there. Oh, she would never... Oh, my, how could that be ... and then we find out the real story of porn star sex.

Whether or not this relationship makes it is, first, up to you. You can end it anytime. But first, she's a liar there's a lot more here than, oh, we got drunk, and it was only once. You can't believe how many times, around here, that we've all heard that horsesh** that "it was only once".

Yeah, maybe it was only once, that night, or only once, after midnight, that night.

Good Luck. I do want you to make it. But don't think you know the story here.


SWAQ4444 posted 7/15/2020 16:41 PM

thank you everybody for all the replies. Just soaking in the responses. Didn't think I'd get so much response so quick.

She claims to have started "talking" 5 months ago. Via snapchat (conveniently) where texts disappear. I'm hearing you all that there is likely more to the story, but is possible it was just texting over that 5 months. It was the last month (after the supposed ONS) that I'm looking back and seeing the change. I could see it truly being that one night of sex and then she went in guilty mode and wasnt sure how to deal. Granted that texting I'm sure was more than just friendly chit chat. So really doesn't matter when it got physical I suppose. Either way it was a betrayal.

How do I get the real story? I haven't asked to go thru her phone but would like to. Not sure if anything is there anyways. I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I probably won't ever know whats true and not. She has not refused to answer any questions even when I ask things I dont really want to hear. I just havent wanted to ask for more details I dont know if I want them.

Lastly, alot of folks mention the OM's GF. It never crossed my mind to say anything to her. I just shut him out and figured screw him and his life. I guess the right thing is to tell her? I have no idea if she knows.

also side note I didnt catch her, she confessed and I had no suspicion of infidelity.

also also... the cabin is hers, we both split expenses and stuff but the mortgage is in her name (we got better rates that way I dont have the best credit). So the cabin is easily put in the past. I own our primary house all in my name.

[This message edited by SWAQ4444 at 4:46 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Kaliber posted 7/15/2020 16:56 PM

Lastly, alot of folks mention the OM's GF. It never crossed my mind to say anything to her. I just shut him out and figured screw him and his life. I guess the right thing is to tell her? I have no idea if she knows.

That is correct!
Go over the topics here and in all the forum pages, it is the main advice given and it works, it's the right thing to do, however, I advice you not to tell your fiance you are telling the OM's GF. You are in control not her, she screwed up and she needs to STFU if she wants a future with you!

And I will again advice you to tell her the marriage is off the table for now, maybe not the ring because she confessed.

consequences my friend is important.

Good luck..

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/15/2020 17:19 PM

Just once. Sure and "no officer, I don't know why you stopped me"

Is he local? And she went on girls night out dates? did that start up 5 months ago too?

You need to get an STD test and so should she. If nothing else it will let her know how much she ruined the trust that you had for many years.
Even to the extent of seeing them post-coital on the couch, you thought nothing had happened.

Get the phone see what messages you can messages and tell the other betrayed spouse, if she found out that they were fucking wouldn't you want her to let you know your partner is a cheater?

Experienced and smart cheaters know to use Snapchat...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:20 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

This0is0Fine posted 7/15/2020 17:56 PM

Your hope for the "whole truth" is a complete written timeline and a polygraph verifying it.

The examiner can help you with the wording. "Is you written timeline a complete with no details that SWAQ would find incriminating left out?"

I freely admit I didn't feel polygraphing my wife was necessary and that if I needed that, then things were over anyway. So I understand resisting this idea.

In your shoes, I already would have ended things.

M1965 posted 7/15/2020 18:33 PM

Hi SWAQ,

I am very sorry about what happened to you, but I think you need to take any wedding plans off the table for the foreseeable future.

What your fiance did, after a ten-year relationship, indicates a lack of commitment and integrity that should ring loud alarm bells with you.

That she chose to do this before you got married, with marriage on the horizon, is particularly concerning, because it brings into question the whole purpose of getting married if she wants to start sleeping around.

This is a horrible thing to experience at any time, but there are thousands of people in this forum who would have wished to find this out about the person they married before they married them and became legally tied to a cheat, and maybe even had kids with them.

Seriously, consider the insight you have been given about your fiance NOW as a lucky break by comparison of it happening in five years' time, when you might be married and have a couple of kids.

Also, consider this:

I didnt catch her, she confessed and I had no suspicion of infidelity.

To me, it suggests that you do not know her as well as you think you do, and you have known her for ten years.

You now know for a fact that she cannot be trusted, and that nights out with the girls are more likely a night in with another man.

Sorry to be blunt, but she played you and took advantage of your blind trust.

And now that she has had her fun, or maybe her boyfriend dumped her, suddenly she is back on track and 100% committed to the guy she just cheated on for five months?

I cannot say this too strongly: for your own good, do not marry this woman.

Think about it; you have been together for ten years, and you have enjoyed most of that time, apart from her five-month affair.

If you can have a good decade with someone, without being married, why do you need to get married to continue that relationship?

Particularly now, when you know she is not honest or faithful.

And in terms of the whole 'been together for ten years' thing, I suggest you Google 'sunk cost fallacy'.

It is a well known phenomenon where people think they have to keep going with things simply because they have invested a lot of time, money, or effort in something. In other words, "I have put too much into this to give up now".

Read the articles you find, because they will show you the flaws in thinking like that.

Does marrying a dishonest cheat sound like the way to start a long and happy marriage? If she is cheating now, what will she be like ten years down the road, when she is a bored home-maker with a couple of kids, longing for some kind of wild excitement in her life?

And she now knows exactly how to find that excitement, and how to play you so that you won't suspect a thing.

The guy across the street that you keep finding at your house when you come home from work is 'just a friend'. She needs to spend time with her female friends and have nights out and weekends away while you sit at home, watching the kids. Sure, she spends an awful lot of time talking to a guy who is into the same online game as her, but all just game talk and nothing bad...She has to go visit her parents for a long weekend, and you call their house and - surprise surprise -she isn't there.

This stuff has played out over and over again in this forum.

There are plenty of people here who either knowingly or unknowingly married someone who was already cheating before the wedding, and they all came to regret it.

The other point I want to make, as a fifty-four year old dinosaur, is that 31 is a pivotal point in your life. You are young, but not fresh-out-of-college young. If you are thinking about things like starting a family, getting married, and settling down, you probably need to do that within the next five to ten years.

And if you are thinking about making such a big commitment, and becoming so tightly bound legally and emotionally to someone, and to involve kids, does it really make sense to do that with someone who has proven that they should not be trusted, and that they will betray the relationship with you for casual sex with some guy who has no real interest in them?

I am sure that your fiance does want to rope you back in as a dependable, trusting dupe now that she is through having her fun with Mr Snowmobile.

It means she gets all the fun of her affair, and then she gets married anyway. Why should she lose anything? She gets Mr Snowmobile and you. That's a sweet deal for her.

The question is, what do you gain by marrying her that you would not have by keeping the relationship at the level it has been for the past ten years, where - if you need to - you can separate and walk away much, much more easily than if you are married?

Seriously, SWAQ, everything I have seen in life, and countless stories here prove, it is never, ever a wise thing to marry a cheat. If you do, you will regret it.

You also said that outside of the cheating, there were issues in the relationship. Those are more alarm bells, suggesting there are problems. Quite possibly problems caused by you being more committed to the relationship than your fiance is. Do you really believe you can cure them, and that they will magically go away if you marry her?

I knew a married couple who had been together for several years, and their marriage was in trouble. They decided to save the marriage by having a child, believing that it would bring them closer, and give the marriage a solid purpose. They got divorced when their daughter was around seven or eight years old, because marriage and babies are not a magic fix for deeper issues in a relationship.

If there are already issues and infidelity after ten years of being boyfriend and girlfriend, what will there be after fifteen years of being married?

Sorry, SWAQ, I know this is all quite negative, but I know what I know because I have seen a lot of things play out in real life, and I would hate for you to think marrying a cheat is the recipe for a happy life. Sadly, it is often the recipe for an acrimonious divorce down the line, and shared parenting.

I really think you need to step back and review your options here. Your cheating fiance is not the only woman in the world you could build a life with. And if she wants to be going out getting drunk and having casual sex, she is not ready for marriage, and may not be for years.

[This message edited by M1965 at 6:34 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

oldtruck posted 7/15/2020 20:14 PM

I would never step foot in that cabin an tell your
WGF that. So if the both of you decide to recover your
relationship she has been given notice that that house must be
sold.

I have seen to many men get cheated on by his GF, then
forgive and marry her, only to have her cheat on him again.

Standard advice is to break up, divorce, after and affair when
the BS is young, no kids, short marriage, minor financial
entanglements, best to find someone new and have a fresh
start.

You have been together 10 years and she confessed, willing
to answer all of your questions which improves the odds for you.

She needs to agree to STD tests, a polygraph test, and sell
her cabin as the minimum to recover the relationship. Do
not rush into marriage. I would wait two years before any
wedding.

Also do not tell your GF before you tell the OM GF about
the affair. Exposing the affair to the OBS is a must.

Buffer posted 7/15/2020 20:22 PM

Sorry you have joined the shitty club
Well it is good she confessed but why after the event?
Please regardless of her feelings get legal advice for your location regarding your rights. STD/STI checks for the both of you. Please advise the other persons GF she has the right to know! You donít need your WGFís permission for this.
The cabin has lost its vibe, that couch needs to be set on fire 🔥
If she could do this after just a weekend in the snow, then I believe the texts were sexting. There is a lot more that she has admitted to. IC for her how could she betrayed the union of you two over him?
You could try to run some sort of data recovery but most likely wonít do much good.
You also should get your WGF to write out a full time line, with all texts, her emotions fir each text or sexting, as well as how she could betray you for so long afterwards.

Take your time in making long term relationship decisions as you will be up then down on a hourly basis for months.
I noticed it was your fault, yet you didnít know. BS to that! she made conscious decisions and deliberate actions every time she texted or met for coffee She looked you in the eyes and wilfully lied to your face. If it was me I would start separation ASAP. It is on her. If she truly wants to R she can do the heavy lifting.
Dump and run she knew it was a poor choice.
One day at a time
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 3:28 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

TheGuy123 posted 7/15/2020 21:01 PM

If your old lady wants to own her unhealthy choice to phuck up this relationship and fix it, she will tell the OM's GF....

Bad behavior has consequences. Is your old lady ready to face this kind of consequence to prove her remorse?

Does she have that degree of submission to let you keep her around?

Talk is cheap. Is your old lady willing to face the consequences?

With out consequences bad behavior continues!

And yes.... another consequence is exposing her unhealthy choices and letting others know what she needs to do to stop you from letting her go.

This goes down either two ways. You push her to the limit and see what she is made of, or you just let her go cuz there is a good chance it happens again.

Again, talk is cheap. Is she will to have that degree of submission to wear the "chastity belt" you need her to wear to help you heal? Seriously is she willing to be locked down in order to help you heal.

Most waywards aren't wired like mine and often will fight you all the way. This could be an exit affair and at the very least pushing her away now might relieve you of a fake reconciliation..

Remember...cheaters lie! Unless you bug her conversation with a voice activated recorder(VAR), you may never know her true agenda!
Right now you need to protect your self and find out were your old lady stands (cuz she sure as hell won't be honest). If she is playing you, a VAR or a PI will get you the answers your need to either Just let her go or keep her around.

BTW ....that whole "no counseling" thing is a big red flag!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 9:11 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Stinger posted 7/15/2020 21:02 PM

I agree with M1965. This gets said a lot to unmarried betrayed folks with no kids. And, it is not meant to minimize your pain and the extent of the trauma.

BUT, you caught a break here, not that it feels like it. You have found out prior to additional enmeshment, exactly who/what your fiance is and what she is capable of.

And, there is a high probability that she confessed because discovery was imminent, most likely from some source about to out her. Cheaters rarely, if ever, disclose out of guilt.

You should dump her as fast as you can.

Atrowspark posted 7/15/2020 21:16 PM

If you have to go through with an STD test and a polygraph before you even marry a person, why even bother marrying that person?!?! There is only upside for SWAQ to walk away now, unlike so many other stories on this forum

TheGuy123 posted 7/15/2020 21:31 PM

Just in case I wasn't clear ....expose this to the girlfriend!
Your old lady will either own it or "break up with you cuz she can't trust you for telling her her secrets" LOL LOL LOL.


Another thing. Don't be confused with her remorse for what she did to you versus getting caught and what you did to her by busting her.

Most cheaters are crying cuz they got caught not cuz they stabbed someone in the back.

KingofNothing posted 7/15/2020 22:00 PM

and just keeps saying she was stupid and shes sorry. I know its up to me to decide if shes remorseful or regretful. Guess we'll see.

On the plus side, she did volunteer this information. That might indicate at least a guilty conscience, if not true remorse. You'll know all about Remorse vs. Regret after you do some selected reading.. try A certain online lady correspondent that rhymes with bump and the Healing Library on here. Good stuff.

I just wanted to touch on the "she was stupid and shes sorry" comment she made. That's it? That's her excuse? It was exciting. Okay...

Here's the thing, Adultery is never a "mistake", it never "just happened" and it certainly is never "just sex". Not to you, anyway. As has been commented on already-- adultery is a series of increasingly risky decisions and behaviors. It may happen like the flick of a switch, but more often than not it is a gradually escalating behavior, and lots and lots of small decisions-- the decision to smile at his jokes, maybe to giggle and stare at him. The decision to answer his text in a friendly way.. then the decision to respond in a friendlier way, then the decision to start sexting. the the decision to meet.. ending up in the decision to mash each other's genitals. Moreover, the decision that not only is this behavior acceptable, they are entitled to it. No matter what the timeline was.. it happened in one boozy night only (that I really doubt), or over a period of months, the outcome is the same.. Your fiance and your friend.. made a decision that the KNEW would hurt you worse than anything that has ever happened so far. They did, those people close to you. Your feelings were secondary and tantamount to being "a pain in the ass" at the time.

Not a great feeling to be treated like that, is it?

Now as to what to do next, for one thing, call off the wedding if it has a planned date. I know, she wants to R. Or so she says. You will have to assess her willingness to subject herself to the naked self analysis, therapy, and just total transparency .. to the point of being verbally abused now and then as you work through the anger and hurt. Oh yes, you're going to be on the pain train for a while. I'm sorry. Don't shoot the messenger, it's her fault. Focus your anger and nervous energy into something really productive.. like putting the cabin on the market-- she's destroyed that as a safe place, she can't argue with you about that one. All the commons sense stuff.. just because tons of people repeat it, doesn't mean it isn't true-- yes, get checked for STD/STI. Yes, tell his girlfriend exactly what happened and the kind of guy he is. Block him everywhere. Go for a therapeutic weekend away for yourself. Don't talk to her for the entire weekend. Check into some place nice.. and spend the weekend going over the pros and cons of continuing this relationship. Think hard about what trusting her at all will be like going forward from this. Also, if she has what it takes to do the actual work to reconcile. You're the only guy who can tell at this stage-- so it's your call.

I wish you hope and strength.. Focus on you right now. The other big fortunate occurrence is that this happened before the wedding. So now you know the real her. Dodged a bullet..

Stinger posted 7/16/2020 06:00 AM

You might want to consider holding onto the cabin. But, dump this woman. She has shown you she is a toxic liar.

Why get rid of the cabin? You love it, right? In a few years, with th his miscreant out of the picture, you could still enjoy it.

DBFool2019 posted 7/16/2020 08:59 AM

Sorry you are here my friend. You will get great advise, do yourself a favor and listen to what the experienced members have to say.

the last 5 months she hasn't felt the same. I asked why 5 months? What happened 5 months ago?

Well.........this happened

So she texts me at work that Monday that she wants to be honest with me and told me she's been "talking" to one of our friends (a friend we both hung out with all the time and has a gf) for 5 months since a snowmobile trip we were all on. She said it was new and exciting and stupid, and its over.

Please don't fool yourself into thinking that the above comment has nothing to do with this one......

More drinking, more girls nights, more distant. I tried talking more and she got upset and we just went to bed. She had mentioned in the past that she felt I don't pay attention enough, or I only pay attention when I want sex, ect. ect. We'd make some small changes, but was kind of always the same.

Why do I suspect that there were no girl nights and she has some accomplices to help with logistics. Who are these girls?

Assuming she's telling me the truth

Don't assume because she's clearly trickle truthing the hell out of you and much, MUCH more likely happened during those "girls night outs"

What absolutely disgusts me is it happened in our cabin, on our couch while I was passed out upstairs. I'm so embarrassed. They were both on the couch in the morning, and I thought nothing of it at the time. I laughed about and I was like dude you sleeping with my wife what the heck just joking assuming they both just passed out there because it was the only place to sleep downstairs and the bedrooms upstairs are hot. I'm just so disgusted now that I saw this and thought nothing of it. Now I cant get the damn images of those two out my head. The cabin was my happy place and now I will never be able to go back.

This will never leave your head. In your safest moments, you will see this image. It's not even mind movies, you actually witnessed the aftermath and they both must have acted pretty slick to make you think nothing happened. Just consider the level of sociopath that does this right under your nose. These are two sick people that were made for one another.


Obviously I don't know yet, but just so commenters know she does want R. She stopped talking to him, and just keeps saying she was stupid and shes sorry. I know its up to me to decide if shes remorseful or regretful. Guess we'll see.

The OM most likely kicked her to the curb after getting what he wanted. You would benefit from following his lead. You fiance and your friend have been carrying on a relationship behind your back since that snowmobiling trip. At no point during this courtship did she even pause to consider what it would do to you. Then she tops it off by banging your friend in your cabin, while you slept upstairs in your "life is good" funk, thinking you had a wonderful future wife that you could trust.

Kaliber posted 7/16/2020 10:10 AM

The OM most likely kicked her to the curb after getting what he wanted. You would benefit from following his lead. You fiance and your friend have been carrying on a relationship behind your back since that snowmobiling trip. At no point during this courtship did she even pause to consider what it would do to you. Then she tops it off by banging your friend in your cabin, while you slept upstairs in your "life is good" funk, thinking you had a wonderful future wife that you could trust.

kicking her to the curb after getting what he wanted doesn't make her confess, possibly the OM's GF found out or someone did!
And they both did a quick damage control!
Making it sound like it was a drunken ONS to minimise the affair that lasted 5 months and lots of sex!

SWAQ4444, I will advice you this (this is important):
When you contact the OM's GF, if she already knows and has the same story a drunken ONS then you know it was a 5 month a full blowing affair with lots of sex, and they did some kind of damage control to minimise the affair..

You need to rule out this possibility so you know where you stand in all of this!

Something tells me there is more to this, I hope I'm wrong!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 10:15 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

BeyondRage posted 7/16/2020 10:28 AM

Her whole story stinks!!!!
You can probably take it to the bank that she had girlfriends covering for her who knew exactly what was going on.

You can clear up the missing pieces in a very short fashion. Its called a polygraph test.

My guess is if you suggest it she will resemble Casper the Ghost relatively quickly. That in itself will tell you a lot.

I'll make it easy for you
The four questions are

(1) Did you have sex with him more than once???
(2) Have you been in contact with him since D Day?
(3) Were any of your girlfriends covering for you or know about what you were doing?
(4) Do you have any apps or electronic devices that I do not have the passwords for?

Marriage should be so far from your mind its not worth discussing

Anna123 posted 7/16/2020 10:36 AM

I am in a hurry but just want to point out there is a decent percentage of long term married BS's with families here who tell a tale of the spouse cheating back when they were engaged or early marriage and they 'got past it' only to be betrayed again years later. I'm sure you can find stories where it never happened again but the odds are not in your favor. It's a crappy thing to decide to spend the rest of your life worrying about, which if you take her back is the decision you will be making. Sorry you are dealing with this, it really sucks and after tens years so difficult. You will get through this one way or the other.

ShutterHappy posted 7/16/2020 10:56 AM

I'm hearing you all that there is likely more to the story, but is possible it was just texting over that 5 months.

ONS usually implies a ďspur of the momentĒ act. ďI went to the bar with some friends and had sex with a strangerĒ.

The fact that she was talking to the OM for months seems to indicate a relationship.

Did they have sex only once? Some posters her will say definitely yes, they had sex exactly 162 times. But the reality is... you donít know.

If itís a dealbreaker, then leave her and move on. If you are undecided, you need to know exactly what happened.

You can just tell her that you are unsure you want to stay in a relationship where your fiancť has a second relationship with another BF. You need to know exactly what happen. You need a detailed timeline, which (like BeyondRage says), will be verified by a polygraph test.

Getting married with someone who cheated on you while engaged is not a good idea. But, ultimately, the decision is yours. At a minimum, get the truth first.

The1stWife posted 7/16/2020 13:15 PM

Anna123 and I agree in this.

I have about 10-12 friends who were cheated on prior to the marriage and married the cheater. Both men and women. Guess what? They were cheated on during the M. Some were serial cheaters. Others were once in awhile cheaters.

Point is they were forgiven as cheaters but remained as cheaters. Some Divorced. Some did not but regretted it.

Please donít marry the cheater. Thatís all I can say.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:17 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

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