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10 years how could she throw it away?

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SWAQ4444 posted 7/15/2020 08:35 AM

Just over a week from D-Day, and this freaking sucks!!! Never in a million years did I think she could do something like this, and I never thought I could hurt so much. I feel like this is a damn movie, but its actually real life. Been reading thru these forums and hoping some direct comments on my situation might be helpful to hear. I really have no idea what I am going to do. One day I want to tell her get the hell out of my life and the next day I love her and want do nothing but hold her.

So here it is. My fiance (31F) and I (31M) have been together almost 10 years and engaged 4 years. I called her my wife and we were basically married. Life seemed to be perfect. Just a couple weeks ago as I sat by the fire at our cabin we just bought this spring, and I literally said aloud to myself, "damn life is good."
Well, the weekend of the 4th after a day of drinking on the lake she decided to bring up that she was not entirely happy. We were drunk and argued a bit, but I honestly don't remember much of what was said. The next day we tried talking and not much came out other than that she was not 100% happy, and that the last 5 months she hasn't felt the same. I asked why 5 months? What happened 5 months ago? She said nothing she just "felt different" and I started to realize that the past few months maybe she had been acting different. More drinking, more girls nights, more distant. I tried talking more and she got upset and we just went to bed. She had mentioned in the past that she felt I don't pay attention enough, or I only pay attention when I want sex, ect. ect. We'd make some small changes, but was kind of always the same. I always just thought well it's pretty normal to get a little boring after 10 years together. I've even mentioned couples counseling and she always said no we don't need that. I always thought at least on the weekends we do stuff together and have fun, during the week I'm stressed with work and just want to do nothing. So hindsight the relationship needed some work, but I never thought it could get to this. So she texts me at work that Monday that she wants to be honest with me and told me she's been "talking" to one of our friends (a friend we both hung out with all the time and has a gf) for 5 months since a snowmobile trip we were all on. She said it was new and exciting and stupid, and its over. I asked if they had sex and she yes, and boom my life turned upside down... Assuming she's telling me the truth it was one night, drunk memorial weekend. What absolutely disgusts me is it happened in our cabin, on our couch while I was passed out upstairs. I'm so embarrassed. They were both on the couch in the morning, and I thought nothing of it at the time. I laughed about and I was like dude you sleeping with my wife what the heck just joking assuming they both just passed out there because it was the only place to sleep downstairs and the bedrooms upstairs are hot. I'm just so disgusted now that I saw this and thought nothing of it. Now I cant get the damn images of those two out my head. The cabin was my happy place and now I will never be able to go back. This sucks! I'm sure it would hurt just as much if it were a stranger, but it sure feels like being a friend it was 100 times the gut punch. We hung out after this too and it just pisses me off.

It feels good just to say all this somewhere. I'm just so pissed and it feels good to vent. I have not told anyone in the very slight chance we try to make it work. Just taking time to think right now.

Edit. Obviously I don't know yet, but just so commenters know she does want R. She stopped talking to him, and just keeps saying she was stupid and shes sorry. I know its up to me to decide if shes remorseful or regretful. Guess we'll see.
Also I absolutely aint talking to that piece of shit OM again either...

[This message edited by SWAQ4444 at 9:44 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

ShutterHappy posted 7/15/2020 09:15 AM

SWAQ4444, wecome.

Others will post soon. If you are not sure you want to R or D, you must get all the information first. The whole story from beginning to end.

The positive part is she confessed in her own. Does she want to R? If she does, ask for a complete timeline, it may have happened more than once.

My reply is short but others will be along

Curious9 posted 7/15/2020 09:16 AM

Hopefully you cut this friend out of your life. Is she remorseful? It really doesn't sound like it if she was still on the couch with him the next morning. She might have regret but only you will really be able to see the difference. I would suggest for now you separate from her for a while to clear your head. Its normal to go back and forth like you are doing. Your not the one that was half way out the door sleeping with other people. She was so I can assure you she's not to worried about losing you like you are her. If she is still in contact with him then it might still be going on.

On the note of the cabin. I would probably sell it. No way would I ever feel good about that place again and if I did sell it she would go too. That's just me.

Underserving posted 7/15/2020 09:33 AM

I’m so sorry you’re here. I’m especially sorry you’ve found yourself experiencing a double betrayal, as he was a friend. I would say, don’t assume she is telling the truth. Cheaters tend to lie or downplay.
Now that she has disclosed her A (at least some of it) what is she saying she wants to do? Is she still wanting to work on the relationship, or go be with this guy?

I know 10 years is a long time, I had been with my WH that long at the time of his A. However, you’ve seen that she is a cheater and morally bankrupt woman before you were legally bound to her, or had children. Those things make infidelity much more complicated. I wish my WH would have shown me that he was capable of such devastation before I married him or had 2 kids with him. It would have saved me a lot of grief.

Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs!

Atrowspark posted 7/15/2020 09:34 AM

You are young, you aren't married yet, you have no kids. Walk away now, no dividing of assets, no 50 / 50 custody to worry about.

fooled13years posted 7/15/2020 09:52 AM

she was not 100% happy

Of course she has not been 100% happy for the last 5 months. How can someone be 100% happy in a relationship in which they are not 100% committed.
I'm so embarrassed

Don't be embarrassed for trusting her. She should be embarrassed for taking that trust for granted.
The cabin was my happy place and now I will never be able to go back.

The cabin will never be the same for you just like:
she does want R

The relationship will never be the same again.


Whether you decide to R or not you should consider ending the engagement.

If R happens then you can once again consider engagement.

Dismayed2012 posted 7/15/2020 10:05 AM

Sorry about your situation. Break the engagement off and stop calling her your wife. Then take some time to decide what you want to do. I'm of the mind that she's shown you what she is. It doesn't matter that they were drinking. She was obviously aware enough to remember and tell you about it. That means that they both made a conscious decision knowing you were upstairs. And don't give in to the lie that it 'just happened'. It wouldn't have happened if there hadn't been playful talk or actions in the months preceding the sex. Your woman is not marriage and not family material. Separate your accounts. Decide who gets the cabin or if it will be sold and the proceeds split. And realize that if you stay with her you'll always be questioning her behavior around your 'friends'. Choose to live life free from people who would betray you; choose happiness. You are the prize and you are worth having a good life and choosing the best for yourself. I wish the best for you.

Justsomeguy posted 7/15/2020 10:16 AM

One week out is a crappy time. You are at the beginning of this process. The good news is that you found thiscsitecearly. I made tons of mistakes before I found it.

One thing you will discover here, if you read enough posts, is that cheaters basically lie their asses off. The blue andie, and when they are done, they lie some more. They will trickle truth you, deny, gaslight, etc, all in the name of protecting you. It is bullshit. It's like a doctor protecting youvftom cancer by not telling you about it. 5 months is a long time. Be prepared for other disclosures. You may find more but do not ever 5e her how. Cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. If you see a text about a kiss, then all they ever did was kiss, one time sex, well suddenly she remembers just that, other texts, oh yeah, I guess it was a couple times, and so on and so on.

You are going to get the standard boiler plate advice everyone gets. It is gold. The old timers here are amazing. You are also going to get a huge range of advice from R to fire and brimstone her ass. Sort through it and decide what is best for you.

You may think that your case is unique and your WW/WS is special, that your relationship is special. She is not. Cheaters tend to fall into a pattern of behavior and say basically the same things. There aren't a lot of options for them trying to save their asses. The best choice, naked honesty, seems counter intuitive to them.

I'm sorry you have to be here. You will get through this.

squid posted 7/15/2020 10:17 AM

SWAQ,

So she wants R. What do YOU want?

I would say she did you a favor. Imagine being married and a kid or two in and she does this. A lot more complicated to try and fix.

She's just a run of the mill cheater. Nothing special about her. She blames you for the state of the relationship. And in order to get what she wanted, she stepped outside of the relationship. She did it because she wanted to and she didn't think you would find out.

Now, the only positive in all of this is that she confessed it. But she has shown her character. This is not a "mistake" as she may try to sell it over time. This was an escalation of choices. I'd bet there was even talk of some kind of hook up that led up to the night they actually slept together. If that really was the first time.

You can almost bet that there's way more to the story. Can you verify that this guy wasn't around for the last 5 months? Maybe she was out with him for the last 5 months. Maybe they weren't banging over the last 5 months. But they could have been hanging out.

She did you a solid. Take this as a cruel life lesson. Let her go and NEVER turn back.

So sorry, dude.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/15/2020 10:53 AM

I'm sorry you are here. Like the others, I would suggest that you get out now, as you are not married. You should start the 180 today and avoid contact so you can really think.

it was one night, drunk memorial weekend

This is probably the most common lie cheaters tell. Don't believe anything she is telling you.

Is she going to show you her texts with this guy to try to verify her story? Has anyone told his GF that he is a cheater? She deserves to know before she marries the guy.

If your fiance was so unhappy, why wasn't she discussing it with you? What was SHE doing to try to improve the relationship, aside from chasing D from another man?

She said it was new and exciting and stupid, and its over.

Why is it over? Did OM make it clear he wasn't giving up his GF? Did he break it off with your fiance after he got what he wanted?

Before you can decide if you are willing to try R, she needs to tell you a whole lot more. And she needs to be able to verify it. If she doesn't want you to see texts or deleted them already, I wouldn't waste my time.

You deserve better and YOU did nothing to be embarassed about. this is HER failure, not yours.

Thumos posted 7/15/2020 11:44 AM

There are two options here, both bad:

1. She just happened to fall into a drunken one night stand very easily at your cabin with a friend of yours she’d only been flirting with via text.

2. There’s a lot more she isn’t telling and she’s Still lying to you.

In the first case, she’s just really bad marriage material who jumps in the sack with other men without much thought. And you need to be quits with her.

In the second case, she’s really Bad marriage material who jumps in the sack with other men and then lies about the extent of it to you. And you need to be quits with her.

Option 2 is much more likely. She doesn’t seem like a good candidate for R at all.

No kids, not even married yet?

Run. Run fast. Run far.

Westway posted 7/15/2020 12:05 PM

Even though you have been together 10 years, you were still engaged, and engagement is the final step in the job interview for marriage. Well she failed the interview badly.

If you take her back, there is a high probability she will cheat on you again down the road. You and her are incompatible in that you have integrity and you live your life according to a standard. She has shown she does not share those same qualities.

You have to find a mate who shares those same values as you, or marriage will never work.

faithfulman posted 7/15/2020 12:21 PM

1) Leave the girl
2) Expose the "friend" to his girlfriend
3) Maybe keep the cabin? Create some new memories in there and maybe you can move on.

P.S. Don't assume she was faithful except for that one time she fucked up, more girls night outs etc. Not every act of infidelity is sexual intercourse.

beenthereinco posted 7/15/2020 12:31 PM

I called her my wife and we were basically married.

Lucky for you you were not legally married. Look there is a real disconnect between her saying this was a drunken ONS and this:

I started to realize that the past few months maybe she had been acting different. More drinking, more girls nights, more distant.

It seems more likely that the ONS 5 months ago was the first time they had sex, with flirting and conversation leading to that going on before, and that since then she has been in an active Affair with the OM. What also seems likely to me is the drunken night on the 4th was when she decided to move on and force this relationship with the OM into the open. A more plausible explanation for the text with the admission and the attempt now at Reconciliation is that the OM was happy with her as a side piece but would not leave his GF so now your Wayward Fiance has come back to you.

Of course I am just assuming things without knowing you but my version fits the facts better than a ONS coinciding somehow with her distancing from you and then a confession on her own after you had split up and an attempt to come back. None of that makes sense.

Have you talked to the OM's GF? I wouldn't talk to him. You won't get the truth. But she may know more about all of this than you do.

Kaliber posted 7/15/2020 12:43 PM


I would leave her, infidelity is a deal breaker, but that just me.
If you wan't to reconcile then she needs (no MUST) face some consequences, or you will be screwed later in life.

Tell her marriage is off the table and take of your ring, downgraded to a GF.

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/15/2020 13:03 PM

SWA,

This was not her 1st time with him and quite possibly not her 1st time period. She was damn sure emboldened by previous acts that she got away with, so as to be so brave or reckless to screw him in the same cabin with you upstairs.

You are the cabin, the snowmobiles, the going out to dinners and trips. The other men are the fantasy.....

VinST posted 7/15/2020 13:04 PM

She was willing to throw 10 years out the door... Man you are not married, young... walk away. DOnt buy that this was a one time thing... in 5 months! This will haunt you.
I have never met a BH who regretting walking away!
BH who stay always have flashbacks. Walk away and get a clean break. Take your life back. Lucky you found out before marriage or kids... !!!

Fishin4happyness posted 7/15/2020 13:05 PM

Just as others have said. If she's been acting different for 5 months, they have been active in a full blown relationship. Some, many or most of those "girls night outs" have been just one guy/one girl. This blows and your relationship is going to be forever strained, to put it lightly.

gmc94 posted 7/15/2020 13:18 PM

As painful as it is to give up 10 years of your life, if I wasn't M and didn't have kids, I'd walk.

And hold my head up high.

In some time, you will heal (and maybe even be able to enjoy that cabin again).

ChamomileTea posted 7/15/2020 16:02 PM

The next day we tried talking and not much came out other than that she was not 100% happy, and that the last 5 months she hasn't felt the same. I asked why 5 months? What happened 5 months ago? She said nothing she just "felt different" and I started to realize that the past few months maybe she had been acting different. More drinking, more girls nights, more distant.

So, what was actually happening during that five month period?

You know, if this was a drunken accident, maybe that's something to work through. She could get some counseling on alcohol abuse, build some meaningful boundaries concerning potential interlopers to the relationship, repair the flaw in her character which was capable of saying "yes" to cheating. And that IS a character flaw. Non-cheaters get drunk too, and they manage not to fuck any bystanders. So, she could work on all that and you guys could make a go of it.

But what was actually happening during that five month period? She reports "talking" to this "friend" and "feeling different". She was out for "girls nights" and drinking quite a bit. It sounds to me like there was a full blown affair going on... means, motive, and opportunity.

Please bear in mind that nothing you did (or didn't do) caused your WF to cheat. A person who honors their own core values, values like fidelity, will not cheat without a gun to their head. What that means is that her core value of fidelity is weak and permeable. It's that flaw in her character which caused the cheating, and even if she's never acted on it before, it was always there. So, this isn't about YOU. And it's not about your relationship. It's about her.

So yes, your relationship is probably repairable, but... I think you'd be wise to get to the bottom of that five month period. Possibly even have her polygraphed. All that "I'm not happy" stuff is cheater-speak for "I'm having an affair". And a five month affair is a whole different thing than a drunken one-night stand. Enough so that you might reconsider what it is you're looking for in a life partner.

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