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Am I to blame?

Dadchats posted 7/11/2020 18:30 PM

Ok so my ex fiancee who is the mother of our 2 daughters and i met 12 years ago.
She has hormone imbalance due to polycystic ovarian syndrome which has always affected her confidence and self esteem which got somewhat worse as the years went by. 3 months into our relationship I had a very brief emotional affair with a coworker but chose to stop before it got more serious or anything physical happened. My ex found out, we discussed things at length and I went nc with the coworker and we continued our relationship. This was always a sticking point for my ex pretty much throughout our relationship, she would bring it up in separate arguments. Fast forward everything was great until our 2nd kid was born. I had always worked full time and her part time until then. I left my full time job and went into a job which promised good hours but I ended up having hardly any hours. So a couple of weeks after she was born my ex had to go back to work full time and I have been pretty much a stay at home dad ever since although I have always worked continuously just with not many hours. This again has always been a sticking point for her. Again she would normally bring this up in separate arguments. I would get frustrated with things a did say out of anger a few times that she was a bad mother which i know is wrong but i never meant it it was just heat of the moment stuff in anger. As our youngest grew up she developed attachment and behaviour issues. It would be a regular thing for her to clutch onto me and push my ex away, saying such things as mammy sucks I only want dad. This obviously caused a lot of arguments between us to the point which she kept saying I only care about the kids. This was never true I tried many things to try for them to have a closer relationship. Things gradually got worse the longer she wouldn't address things and our daughters attachment and behaviour got worse to the point where my ex wouldn't even come on days out with us. Some red flags I missed on reflection were whenever I walked into the room and she was on the phone she would switch the screen off, I'd say what u looking at she'd say nothing or only Facebook. Our sex life has never been great in terms of frequency due to her confidence and low libido but about 4 months from the end of our relationship it just stopped. Not even for birthdays, Xmas. On reflection she would gaslight me a lot too which is something I have only learned about afterwards. Saying that I dont care about her as long as i got thr kids and she is just there to bring the money in. She had always worked days. But at the start of the new year out of nowhere she was quite determined to switch to nights and had already arranged this before telling me. She said it was because she couldn't deal with coming home from work and then being rejected by our daughter. I didn't agree that this would be healthy for us as we wernt seeing much of each other as it was but agreed to go along with it. 2.5 months went by, her working nights, nothing really improved. We were arguing more and more and she wanted to put our youngest into respite care. I refused and offered any other way for her to have a break. I basically offered for me to look after her all the time so she hasn't got to deal with her. But I wasn't willing to put her into respite care. We had a big argument and she left in the middle of March. She said she needed some time and space at her friends house to think. I spent the next 3 weeks trying to convince her that she is loved and to come home. She flaked a couple of times then eventually come back but only to pick up some things and shower, which I found strange. I spent another week trying to convince her more. By now its mid April. I seen on her Facebook that her relationship status is in a relationship with someone from her work. I done all the wrong things, begging, pleading, apologies, validating her, even a card. (Yes I know). She said she was torn and that she didn't love him or had sex with him and she needed time to think which I now realise was probably only said to make me go away for a bit. She has slowly since detached herself from myself and our kids lives which I still find devastating. The very few times I've seen her when she came to collect some of her things I made the mistake of bringing it up and asking why. She said it just kind of happened but did put some blame on me for neglecting her and all the emotional abuse I caused. The next time I seen her I tried one last time to see if there was any hope. She said she will think about it and text me the next day. She did text and said she wanted to try again to make it work and said she would ring me the next day. I heard nothing. I haven't seen her since. Its been 5 weeks. I have both kids full time, she hasnt been to see them. I have gone nc, she blocked me on calls and Facebook messenger but initiates communication through Snapchat regarding hows the kids or bills/post etc on occasion. This is the only time I communicate with her. My heart is broken, this girl meant everything to me. Could I have done more? I felt like the middle man stuck between it all. I was only trying to help us to be a loving family. That's all I wanted.

squid posted 7/11/2020 18:52 PM

No you are not to blame.

She is broken. Take the best path that protects you and your kids. She is a lost cause.

Sorry, bro.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/12/2020 00:57 AM

The answer isNt no, its Oh, no f-cking way!!!!

Anna123 posted 7/12/2020 00:58 AM

No you are not to blame. She is abandoning you AND HER CHILDREN. This is not a good woman. You may or may not believe you could have done things different but this is not connected to any blame for her disgusting and selfish behavior.

She is quite full of herself to play you like this. Wait a day for a text, wait another for the next. If I were you, I would NOT wait a day to check in with a lawyer, let him know who full
the full time parent is, and see what they say, just so you know going forward.

Take care.

jb3199 posted 7/12/2020 02:06 AM

Could I have done more? I felt like the middle man stuck between it all. I was only trying to help us to be a loving family. That's all I wanted.

Yes, we all could have done more. But that isn't what made her cheat. It sounds like the relationship was toxic---an emotional affair at the beginning of the relationship(when it's supposed to be butterflies and excitement), a working situation that basically forced her back into the workforce full time, and her absolute lack of a maternal connection with her children absolutely spells trouble. The fact that she can go 5 weeks without physically seeing them is mindblowing.

At this point, I would worry far more about emotional and financial stability for your children. Once that is established, THEN you can look into learning from your past mistakes so you can be a better partner to someone in the future.

This isn't meant to be a bashing on you; just one internet poster's opinion from the information given. Good luck heading forward.

The1stWife posted 7/12/2020 04:20 AM

Shes abandoned her children for an affair. Shes basically a selfish person.

If your daughter has issues did you seek professional counseling or help? Did your wife Seek professional help?

Im sorry you are here. You deserve better. I hope you get some advice from a lawyer because you may need it.

Buffer posted 7/12/2020 06:09 AM

Brother, squid and the others are right, she has abandoned you and the children. Seek legal advice for your location and have her served at work. You need to take care of the children and you.
One day at a Time

Dadchats posted 7/12/2020 17:13 PM

My daughter has had extra support at school and we have seen a psychologist for her. She is awaiting a assessment but Covid is delaying this. My ex has not seemed any help for herself.

Westway posted 7/13/2020 10:09 AM

Your WW is weak and batshit. She abandoned her family. And she is lying to you about the relationship with the guy at work. She abandoned you. Divorce her and don't look back. Right now your daughter is being smarter than you are, and if you want to preserve what respect your child has for you, you need to divorce her mother.

I'm so sorry you got hit with this shit sandwich. No dad or husband should have to deal with a worthless WW. Believe me I am where you are now, albeit a few months farther down the road. It hurt like hell to file, but I don't regret taking swift and decisive action. It was the best thing I could have done.

Dadchats posted 7/13/2020 11:09 AM

WESTWAY thankyou.
Thankfully we were not married only engaged. Do you think her silence is down to guilt/embarrassment or would you say she is genuinely happy with her decision.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/13/2020 16:17 PM

Dadchats: You may not have been married, but you have 2 kids together. There is a thing called common law/common marriage, and you don't need the license anymore. The courts will still treat you for the most part, the same way, save for some things like pensions.

You should contact an attorney, and make sure you document all the time that you have the kids. She has abandoned you with the children. She owes you support. You should take full custody of your children.

I'm sorry you're here, and that you now have to effectively be a single dad without an exes help. But you must snap out of wanting to fix your finance and get her back. She clearly abandoned you. Make sure you see an attorney and do what is in you and your childrens best interest. She is a lousy mom. She shouldn't get access to your kids.

20yrsagoBS posted 7/13/2020 21:26 PM


Get your kids, and self away from that poison!

She abandoned her family for some strange? Who does that? Humans don't, even animals don't.

Get an attorney fast! Learn your rights and protect those kids.

And, NO, this is in no way your fault? She chose this.

VinST posted 7/14/2020 10:08 AM

What in the world has happened to us when a person has to ask whether he is at fault for someone else's infidelity!!!

If I were you.. get out. Anyone abandoning their kids in favor of a POS cant be worth any of your heartache.

Pretty sure you will find someone more decent even with 2 kids of your own.

Westway posted 7/14/2020 10:53 AM

Do you think her silence is down to guilt/embarrassment or would you say she is genuinely happy with her decision.

Both. She's a POS and she knows it, but she's too amoral to desire to do anything about it. She has done you a favor by leaving. You and the kids don't need her.

I had a good friend growing up who's mom did the same thing when he was about five. She took off with some loser and abandoned her husband and kids. His dad divorced her and married a decent, kind woman who became a good mother to my friend and his younger sister. I didn't even find out she wasn't his birth mother until we were in our teens.

tushnurse posted 7/14/2020 11:04 AM

You are not to blame.

When you mention respite care, are you meaning day care, or are you meaning true respite, go live in a facility, or with a foster family thing?

If so you need to include this information when you discuss this w/ an attorney. She not only wanted to leave, she tried other ways of ridding herself of her child. That is proof that you are the better parent, and she needs to be held financially accountable for her kids.

The1stWife posted 7/15/2020 02:32 AM

You may need to see a lawyer and get a custody agreement in place together with child support. Just to protect you and your children.

Jehuretired posted 7/15/2020 08:04 AM

Get yourself IMMEDIATELY to a good attorney. He can file for emergency custody.

I raised 2 sets of kids (mine and my husband's) that were abandoned by the other parent.

Eventually, she will come out of the fog, and realize that what she has done is NOT acceptable to her friends, her family, society as a whole. She will REWRITE her history, to make you the bad guy and file papers against YOU. You MUST make the move here to protect your children from a flake who will drag them into God knows what...

She is already blaming you. This WILL get worse. Mothers who abandon their children are not looked upon favorably by others. She WILL rewrite, retell this differently. Trust me.

The mother of two of my daughters (technically step daughters) disappeared for 12 years. The piece of fiction that she tries now to sell to grown daughters with children of their own is absolutely laughable. But it wasn't funny the two times BEFORE she finally left for good when she got broke, needed money, and out of the clear blue sky sued us for custody. She lost both times. At one point, we had to prove to child support enforcement that she had NEVER had physical custody of them to stop garnishment proceedings on my husband's paycheck.

This can go VERY bad VERY fast, Protect yourself and your kids.

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/15/2020 13:15 PM


Do you think her silence is down to guilt/embarrassment or would you say she is genuinely happy with her decision.

That's not your concern any longer and neither is she. You need to set yourself and your children up for success. It's time to seek legal advice.

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