I agree with Hellfire. It's important to show your BW the RESPECT she deserved all along, including on your anniversary.
My WH & I were S on our 25th anniversary. I very clearly said that I did not want to see him or celebrate. Late in the evening, at home with my DD, I heard someone on my front porch and went out to see what was going on. He'd bought a gift and was leaving it for me. I don't remember being particularly angry..... more disappointed. It was just another of the "data points" to indicate his needs were more important than anything. He could not tolerate respecting my wishes. Could not tolerate respecting or having any empathy for my feeling that the M was dead and there is absolutely nothing to "celebrate". Sure, we managed to be M on paper for 25yrs. AND they were all bullshit, as he was lying to me, in one form or another, about the existence of his old GF or "secret friend" since before we were even M (and God knows what else). I don't see any reason to celebrate 25+ years of being hoodwinked by a man who professed to love me and care about my well being whilst stabbing me in the back over & over & over & over.
I very much appreciate your three "points". And I always get a little chuckle when I read things like "But by the time you get here and read my post it will have been too late for that advise", as it brings back a dday memory in which I told my WH "I bet in the last year you googled 'why won't my wife fuck me', but not once, in over a decade, did you google 'why am I having an affair'", and I got the sick puppy dog look (FWIW, our bedroom was very much alive when the EA went PA, and died over the course of the PA). It amazes me that WS embark on this very dangerous path, and don't ever bother to seek any information outside of their entitled minds.
And finally, a little lecture on language/linguistics (hopefully not too much of a t/j). This is not to shame you or call you out as a failure or anything like that, esp with such very well written "points" in your post (which may be why this one thing stuck out to me). I think being curious about the words we use is healthy and can help clarify or (if needed) reframe our thinking, so I offer this point in good faith....
You wrote: "Do I comply with her wishes". The term "comply" gave me a sort of gut check, as to me it may reflect a parent/child dynamic. I'm not asking for me - I'm merely a stranger on a forum. I ask bc it may be worthwhile to explore/ get curious about your inner talk about your BW's needs or wishes & how you relate to them. IOW, do you see yourself as having / needing / being required to "comply" with her wishes (or 'demands' )? Or do you WANT to "respect" her needs/wants? I think it's pretty common for a WS to put their BS in a kind of parent role - even before the A. Some could argue that dynamic can be part of the underlying ways of thinking that put the WS on the path to infidelity to begin with (eg resentment over perceived "control" by a BS whom the WS has pidgeonholed into a parent figure).
I bring this up bc IME (and from a lot of what I've read) that perception of a BS as a parent figure (even if only after dday) can be at odds with the work that needs to be done post dday. And I think it's a sticky wicket in that the WS can feel very small & ashamed - like a child - once their behavior is known. They've been caught with their hand in the cookie jar which IMO brings back feelings of shame experienced by most (all?) during childhood. Every human does stupid shit as a kid... and most of us were yelled at or otherwise punished (some physically) for it. We were shamed, even if for our own safety (eg the only time I spanked my DS was when he ran into the street around age 4... my response to spank him was shaming and my rationale was he needed to feel SOOOO bad about it that he'd never do it again).
The problem is that in the aftermath of dday, the WS needs to drive the bus for their recovery & healing, and driving a bus requires adulting. If the WS' inner voice (or inner child?) sees it as being "compliant" with the BS' wishes (or, in many cases, what the WS feels are "demands" ), the WS is still riding in the BS' bus (or trying to) rather than driving their own. And it can be a barrier to empathy.
I certainly experienced this. My WH uses words like "comply" all the time (and FWIW, we are not "in R" ).
An example is w/in 48 hrs of dday I asked him to remove his wedding ring, both bc it symbolized something that was broken or a mirage to begin with, but also bc he wore that ring when his hand was manipulating his girlfriend's privates (the imagery of which is still humiliating & grosses me out). Although we didn't talk about it more than a few times, his continued wearing of that ring hurt me... every time I saw it on his hand brought mind movies and pain. When he finally removed it >6 months later, it was bc he felt he was being forced, or "complying with my wishes". IOW, he had not gotten to an internal emotional place where he RESPECTED that his wearing that ring hurt me and he wanted to be cognizant and mindful of that hurt. It was not about EMPATHY for my pain (a position that an adult takes with another adult), but about doing what he was told (a position that a child takes with a parent).
So. That's a lot of words to explain why the term "comply" strikes me as something that might be worthy to explore. Sorry if this is a t/j.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:09 AM, July 8th, 2020 (Wednesday)]