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Dealing with shame?

Pages: 1 · 2

MrCleanSlate posted 6/25/2020 09:06 AM

deleted - message I was responding to was editted...

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 9:12 AM, June 25th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 6/25/2020 10:45 AM

While I do understand the Longterm affair is bigger, has more details, more implications, and she very well could have more things to address, the fact you were able to make that decision is still a factor here.

I did not have a long term affair. But I do think that often they begin the same way as a short term. The ďskillsĒ or ways the person in a long term affair becomes comfortable is like the frog boiling alive in the pot. They acquire more compartmentalizations skills, there are more lies, and so on. The longer one goes undetected the easier it becomes. She will need to figure out all that made her comfortable enough while doing that.

The ability to make the decision to cheat initially is really the same. Now the fact that you had enough regret to confess on your own (is that what happened or did something tip her off? If she just found out and it forced confessions would you have gone back for more- be honest with yourself about that) but if you did it on your own means that you didnít have justifications built up about the affair, you hadnít become callous in avoiding reality. But there was likely lead up which means there was many decisions that went into this.

I agree with leaving orbit that dissecting some of your ws behaviors is still important and can be a key factor in relating to your wife should you decide to try reconciliation. You canít feel remorse right now you are too shocked and angry. I donít think most ws are remorseful at first anyway because itís impossible to be remorseful without understanding the ways you hurt the other person. Right now you guys arenít even really communicating about that because her news was bigger and more damaging. I told in my own and was 6-8 months getting to remorse because I was in self protection mode for a good while. You have to put that down and really be able to take your spouse in and put yourself in their shoes before you will even begin to touch remorse. I just donít think itís frequent that happens in the early months for any one.

But I also know that itís going to be impossible for you to do that at the exact moment in time, because you just found out you have been living a lie for two years. You are in shock. Itís understandable.

anoldlion posted 6/26/2020 00:26 AM

First of all stop with the shame. Your feeling of shame is interfering with your thinking process. You feel shame for a ONS while your wife was having a 2 year affair giving her AP every sex act that they could conceive. Some of them in your home and your bed. (burn the bed) Yes your ONS was a real bad decision. What she did is so far beyond just a bad decision. Stop beating yourself up and start doing some logical thinking. Since you initiated sex the first time you saw her, after some weeks, and then days later chased her into a bathroom trying for more sex, I would say you are thinking with the wrong head. You are thinking with the head of the appendage between your legs and not with the head on your shoulder. Just from what you have written I am sure you are going to take her back. Has she given you a reason for her affair? You know who it was with so have you even considered how you are going to deal with him. I am from the old school and definitely do not believe in letting a scumbag like him walk away without consequences. Compared to her affair your ONS is a bump in the road. Take a deep breath, get some self respect, a big dose of confidence and deal with your situation. Remember, the decision you make is the one you are going to have to live with. Do not feel bad about testing your child to insure she is yours. If I had been you I would have taken 2 DNA test just to make sure. Last thing is you need to sit down and do some deep soul searching talks with someone. I do wish you well.

Shttrdshtpll posted 6/26/2020 01:13 AM

The ability to make the decision to cheat initially is really the same. Now the fact that you had enough regret to confess on your own (is that what happened or did something tip her off? If she just found out and it forced confessions would you have gone back for more- be honest with yourself about that) but if you did it on your own means that you didnít have justifications built up about the affair, you hadnít become callous in avoiding reality.

My wife has said, that in hindsight, I had been acting off in the weeks leading up to confessing. She just figured had chalked it up to a recent accident at work. No person was injured, but I didn't missed a small issue during routine maintenance of an electroshocking kit and as a result had an unnecessary mortality while surveying a stream. I did have justifications at first, but they didn't hold after the deed was done.


(burn the bed)

Already done. Myself and a friend dragged it half way across the state in the middle of the night, and burned it. Irresponsible considering our new drought conditions, but immensely satisfying.

Since you initiated sex the first time you saw her, after some weeks, and then days later chased her into a bathroom trying for more sex, I would say you are thinking with the wrong head. You are thinking with the head of the appendage between your legs and not with the head on your shoulder.

Exactly, which is part of what concerns me. My entire life, I've prided myself on my ability to think logically under almost every situation... Except now I can't. When my wife told me, I was livid. I went into the hallway and put my first through the wall. After I sent her to our friends house, I punched the wall again. Except I hit a stud, or a load bearing column, or something. I broke two of my fingers, except the break is on the portion of the phalanges that makes up my palm. Cast comes off Monday.
Still, though, since we have to do an in-house separation, I had to ask my wife to rebuff any moves I try and put on her. On top the feeling of emascualation, embarrassment, and general self-esteem I already felt, I added at least fifty percent by having to admit to my wife that I can't control myself around her.

Has she given you a reason for her affair? You know who it was with so have you even considered how you are going to deal with him. I am from the old school and definitely do not believe in letting a scumbag like him walk away without consequences.

Yeah, same reason as mine. Felt unwanted, withdrawn, unsupported, etc, etc. When her affair started, was the new Administration starting limiting the ability of myself and other employees to do their jobs. Hiring freezes, budget cuts, the states just couldn't absorb all of the job refugees, and the future of the field was in serious doubt. Some of that was resolved when I managed to snag a permanent state job.
There is nothing I can punish her AP with. He drew the short straw in terms of genetics, and the fact that he made it to 30 is nothing short of a miracle. However, I'm cushy and safe, while his ass is now hospitalized with COVID-19. Given his cystic fibrosis, the odds aren't great. For him. For me, it feels almost like a present from the universe. I'm almost horrified that I think I that, until I remember that he fucked my wife. Then I feel great about him being sick. Since I now have access to my wife's work email, I check it two or three times for updates on him.
Before it gets asked, no. Her AP didn't "work with her", he was a contractor they some times used for field gigs. He was their go to contractor, and is well-liked by her colleagues. Hell, even I liked him.

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