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Contact from AP?

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Bulcy posted 6/8/2020 10:59 AM

I had an email from Linked in earlier today with a list of people who have viewed my profile. The former AP is on that list. I have received no contact from her, but I view this a a breach on NC. Iíve told my wife, as soon as she got home. She was however aware of the email as I have agreed to her having access to my account.

Weíre both upset and angered by this. Iím not sure what to do. Iím reluctant to contact her to tell her to f**k off again as this could been seen by her as me reaching out. I donít think you can block people from viewing your profile either.

Iím really angry at this, especially at the upset caused to both my wife and myself.

Help!!

Lalagirl posted 6/8/2020 11:06 AM

You can block her.

1. Navigate to the profile of the person you'd like to block.
2. Tap the More icon in the top right of the screen.
3. Tap Report/Block from the dropdown menu.
4. Tap Block [member's name].
5. In the confirmation pop-up window, tap Block.

You can remain in cricket mode.

I'm sorry that your wife had to deal with this and glad that you were forthcoming.

Bulcy posted 6/8/2020 11:31 AM

Awesome. Thanks for that. Now blocked and no longer able to intrude again.

Lalagirl posted 6/8/2020 11:36 AM

Well, hopefully not. Stalkerish desperate folk are known to make fake social media profiles to bypass the blocking. It may behoove you to delete or deactivate your social media for awhile. It would certainly take some of the stress off your BS.

Bulcy posted 6/8/2020 11:45 AM

Well, hopefully not. Stalkerish desperate folk are known to make fake social media profiles to bypass the blocking. It may behoove you to delete or deactivate your social media for awhile. It would certainly take some of the stress off your BS.

The next question is really this. Following D-day I called her (on speaker phone with my wife present) and told her to never contact me again. This was also backed up with a text message from my wife to her saying if she ever contacted me she would contact her husband and inform him of the affair.

Would this been deems as contact?

Lalagirl posted 6/8/2020 12:00 PM

The APs BS needs to know; it's not fair to him that it's being used as a threat over OW's head. He has a right to know about his M as much as your BS does. Your BS should contact the OBS, not you.

The OW looking at your profile is not really contact, per se. BUT, her knowing that you will see that she looked...she's fishing...hoping you'll respond.

This is another reason her BS needs to know - you can bet once he knows she likely will steer clear.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 12:01 PM, June 8th (Monday)]

hikingout posted 6/8/2020 12:37 PM

Navigate to the profile of the person you'd like to block.

Okay, just want you to be aware (not that this would have prevented you from blocking) is that when you navigate to their page they also get a notification. So, she now got an email that said that you looked at her profile.

LinkedIn is weird. The reason I know this is because after dday, I had gotten in on LinkedIn after being dormant and saw he had looked at my profile. Not understanding that it was an old notification, or what would happen if I clicked to get more information, I inadvertently loaded his page and it sent him a notification. So, then I looked like a stalker and all I was trying to do is figure out how to block him.

H and I decided to just let it go. I was off all other forms of social media, and don't post on LinkedIn so I am not sure that there really is anything of interest to keep someone coming back there? Anyway, I am relaying this info in the case the OBS contacts your spouse to say you loaded her page.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:51 PM, June 8th (Monday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 6/8/2020 12:45 PM

LinkedIn permits you to limit what others see if they are not on your contacts. Depending on your business that may or may not be practical. I myself have limited non-contacts to only see my photo and name/work. (You can do the same with Facebook, etc.)

As you've seen LinkedIn also tells you who visited your profile. You can also view peoples profiles in private mode so blocking a person may not stop them looking.

Your AP may be bored and curious, or stalking you - Who is to say from one known occurrence. You may even get some odd texts, emails or invites from strangers that may or may not be the AP.

A good rule to follow is block all social media access to friends/contacts, don't accept invites from people you don't personally know, etc.

Almost 5 years later and I am still wary of any unknown phone numbers.

In my case we had repeated communications from the AP to the point that we had a cease and desist order from our lawyer sent by registered mail.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 12:47 PM, June 8th (Monday)]

Lalagirl posted 6/8/2020 13:42 PM

when you navigate to their page they also get a notification. So, she now got an email that said that you looked at her profile.

Then she will see that she cannot see his page anymore and will know she's been blocked. IMO, it sends her a message that she no longer matters.

I didn't think to recommend that you screen shot where she looked at your profile so you could send it to OBS.

landclark posted 6/8/2020 13:48 PM

I think blocking her was the right thing to do. I wouldn't contact her any further. Maybe she was fishing, maybe it was accidental. Either way, block and move on. Don't open that door again. Don't break no contact to say no contact.

[This message edited by landclark at 1:48 PM, June 8th (Monday)]

hikingout posted 6/8/2020 13:51 PM

Then she will see that she cannot see his page anymore and will know she's been blocked. IMO, it sends her a message that she no longer matters.

I don't disagree, I wanted him to know that information so that if the OBS uses that email to contact his wife that they know that's what happened.

Lalagirl posted 6/8/2020 14:12 PM

I don't disagree, I wanted him to know that information so that if the OBS uses that email to contact his wife that they know that's what happened.

Ah...that makes perfect sense!

Thanks, HikingOut.

Bulcy posted 6/9/2020 01:47 AM

Thanks for the support.

I changed all my security settings to be as anonymous as possible. Then used the above to block her. I don't think she will know I did it. (we tested on my wifes account).

Hopefully this is now closed out.

A day of many triggers and worries, but dealt with.

Onwards.

(Social media has been pretty much shut down. Only FB and Linked-in still open. FB culled by about 70% and high security settings set up).

gmc94 posted 6/9/2020 09:32 AM

The APs BS needs to know it's not fair to him that it's being used as a threat over OW's head. He has a right to know about his M as much as your BS does. Your BS should contact the OBS, not you.
Bulcy - what's the situation on this front?

why has the OBS not been notified - after THREE years?

Zugzwang posted 6/10/2020 09:46 AM

It also could be the OBS keeping tabs on you. My wife would do that in the beginning. She would let me know how quickly I was replaced by other men hanging with the AP. If the AP was saying or posting stuff. Asking why I would risk even our lives for any of that not knowing how the soon-to-be fiance and the other APs husband would react. If you have only one computer it might look like it is her. We have one and when I made my account here I had to prove who I was. So, I would guess it might come up her yet really might be her husband looking to see that things are truly done or the Karma bus ran you over.

Bulcy posted 6/11/2020 13:27 PM

In the initial stages of d-day, my wife and I were in no fit state to contact OBS. My wife because she thought she was too angry to deal with things and I was still massively in denial.

Once I had left the company I was working for (~6 months post d-day)we contacted AP to say if any attempt was made to contact me we would inform OBS. My wife was feeling extremely vulnerable and felt she would'nt be able to handle any fallout from the disclosure, but did attempt to get the AP to disclose the affair herself (My wifes words not mine). We read various forums and discussed at length weather to contact or not. Until Tuesday we had not made a decision.

We have drafted the following:

"I would like to start by saying Iím sorry. Iím sorry to be the one telling you this, and Iím sorry for the upheaval I am about to place within your life, and Iím sorry for not telling you sooner.

During her employment at ********** in ********, your wife had an approximately 18 month affair with my husband.

During this time, both my husband and your wife spent innumerable hours detracting from their marriages through text messaging, emailing, phoning and meeting in person. I was unfortunate enough to have had access to both a large number of the text messages and the entirety of the work place emails and was aghast at the sheer quantity alone.

It would seem the telephone calls, predominantly initiated by your wife occurred almost on a daily basis for the duration of the affair partners commutes home. With these calls often being pre-arranged like Ďdatesí via emails beforehand.

I am unable to inform you of the content of the calls, however I can inform you that the text messaging and emailing had a sexual component.

Following my discovery of my husbands betrayal I asked that the affair cease and he informed me that he told ******* it had to stop the following working day. However, it took 6 moths for my husband to be able to secure another job and leave ******* and physical proximity to your wife. With my husband recently admitting the affair was essentially continuing, although to a lesser degree, until he final left. On his final day at ******** my husband once again (whilst in my presence) called your wife to tell her the affair was ended and that she should not attempt to contact him in any way.

I also contacted ********* soon after this to express my disgust with her involvement in the affair, to inform her of the extent of my knowledge of the affair and to ask her to stay away from my husband. Via this contact I told ********* that should she ever attempt to contact my husband again that I would inform you about the affair. Something I am assuming she has not previously disclosed to you.

It therefore is with a heavy heart that I must tell you not only of the affair, but that your wife has been Ďsniffingí around my husband again via LinkedIn.

My husband an I have made every attempt possible to block your wifeís access to my husband and I am unaware of any other attempted contact occurring, but feel this breech from your wife requires that you are informed.

I am sorry to bring this news to you and can only empathise with the disruption it will bring to your family.

It saddens me to say that the affair occurred during the period in which your child was conceived. Although my husband has told me on numerous occasions the child is not his, the doubt will always be in my mind, along with the sadness due to the deceit surrounding this period of our life.

I truly hope that you will use this information to heal yourself in whichever way you see fit.

Iím sorry."

This has not been sent yet, would value comments.

Thanks

MrCleanSlate posted 6/11/2020 13:50 PM

Bulcy,

If you're gonna contact OBS then just do it.

No apology, no explanation. It all sounds like some lame attempt to make yourselves feel better.

You're giving bad news, and they won;t want to be your friend after this.

Keep it to facts.


MrCleanSlate posted 6/11/2020 14:14 PM

Bulcy,

One final thing. My AP basically stalked us after I broke things off. At the time I kept wanting to minimize response for fear of reprisal from my AP. My BW felt no compunction - and she was correct in her view. Stop rugsweeping.

You owe the AP nothing. You do owe the OBS the knowledge of the A.

Lalagirl posted 6/11/2020 14:44 PM

It saddens me to say that the affair occurred during the period in which your child was conceived. Although my husband has told me on numerous occasions the child is not his, the doubt will always be in my mind, along with the sadness due to the deceit surrounding this period of our life.

Holy shit, Bulcy; all the more reason to inform OBS! What makes you so sure the child is not yours? What if the child gets an Ancestry DNA test just for fun when he/she is older and you pop up as the dad? Or worse, OBS does NOT show up as his/her father?

And your poor BS - what a heavy load that must be for her to bear.

NeverTwice posted 6/11/2020 15:53 PM

LalaGirl,

What if the child gets an Ancestry DNA test just for fun when he/she is older and you pop up as the dad? Or worse, OBS does NOT show up as his/her father?

I have seen this happen personally twice and if you get on Reddit? Look at the r/23andMe and r/AncestryDNA subs. It happens and it is awful.

Bulcy - just tell him. And provide him proof.

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