Hi Jerry,
There is a lot in your post that I really didn't say. I didn't say I don't try and give him the world, or that I don't initiate. I just meant that at the time of the affair I overvalued the AP and undervalued him. I think you might have projected a little from what I said, that's okay but I wanted to point it out.
But, I am going to try and answer from my situation.
We have talked about it, yes. I know he thought about it a lot in the beginning, and only does once in a while now. We have learned that sometimes sex is going to be ruined but to stay open to each other when it is and use that as a time to talk about what we are feeling. That was effective for us, because the first couple of times one or both of us were upset and we turned away from each other rather than staying with the feelings and comforting. I think that practice has helped it become less and less over time.
He does know I feel humiliated that I made the decisions I did. He knows that sometimes that humiliation comes up during sex. I usually push past it and remember to focus on the now.
My real intention for even responding after I wrote what Psych mom wrote is I think those WS who get remorseful, and maybe aren't the greatest compartmentalizers can have some of that remorseful emotion come up during sex. (She is right, I am not a good compartmentalizer)
The issue you are having is commonly stated here among BH's. I do not know why your wife does not initiate, but I will speculate why a lot of women in general do not. There is a lot of writings out there about us being more responders of initiation. We are often slow boil type with our desire. We often need the overtures to feel the arousal rather than feeling the arousal causing us to make overtures. I don't think that's all women but there are enough of a majority that there is a lot written on the subject and a lot of women here report that as being true.
So, I will explain it from my point of view only and you can maybe use it to ask your wife questions. But I do not know why your wife struggles with this.
I have always enjoyed sex with my husband, felt attracted to him, and we have always had good chemistry. But, for the majority of our marriage he did most of the initiating. I would say 75%-80% of the time. Often, I might have not been thinking about sex but a few minutes into touching, I was very focused on it. It just might not have even occurred to me to go for it that night.
After infidelity it's natural that the BS is going to look for signs of rejection or the WS not being there for the right reasons. A continued pattern can then become very insulting and rubs salt in the wound.
Affairs are sexual. As your wife has gone to explain the whys of the affair, you have probably heard a lot of reasons that had nothing to do with sex. That makes it all the more confusing for you, I understand. But, the motivations behind affairs are usually not sexual.
There are a lottttt of threads that get very toxic around the topic you are asking, but it's very much a popular BS topic. For me, I came to this site and did learn here how that lack of initiation would be another abrasion, another way of hurting him. So I worked on it and I do initiate more. But it's something I have to be mindful of - the desire for him really wasn't more or less than before. I mean at times we were more emotionally connected or things were charged so during those times probably more. But, overall, I always desired him and that just continued in our post-affair marriage.
I do think that a WS being sensitive to that needing of the rebalance is important for healing the relationship. If you are telling her you feel X, and you would feel it would help your marriage building to see more initiation, then I don't think that's an unreasonable request. I feel like if she cares about the pain she caused, and wants a better marriage she can put some effort there. It should not be ignored.
At the same time, she should be fixing what was broken inside of her to make such a devastating decision. I think understanding all aspects of it will help you to have a better dialogue with her on the subject.
[This message edited by hikingout at 10:50 AM, June 11th (Thursday)]