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I am in love with him....I need advice

fiestyredhead posted 5/22/2020 13:27 PM

A little background. I can't type WS or whatever the correct abbreviation is. I feel that he is still my DH.
Anyway, DH had a 9 month EA of which 4 months was PA. This is a man that others looked up to. Our marriage was one that others wished their's could be.
But it still happened...DD 9/28/2019...7 months out
If you have read my initial posts you will find out that I went bat shit crazy on him when I heard recordings of them talking.
DH begged on his knees for him to give him another chance. Even before I knew what the 180 was, I enacted it. If one boundary is broken, he is out the door and I had a post nup drafted that will leave him broke and screwed.
DH has been like a perfect husband since DD. He has followed every boundary (there are a lot of them) We are in IC and MC. Doing Bible studies together daily, etc I can tell he has deep remorse and I already feel (not trust yet) that he would never break a boundary again.
The problem is...I have not been able to move forward without going 2 steps back in my mind. I have progressed from screaming banshee to being able to express my pain to him. He usually cries and tells me exactly what I need to hear. My banshee episode occurred in the first 3 months.
I have not shouted at him since then.
As long as he comforts me and puts in the extra effort (which he has since day 1) I am ok for a day or so. On other days,a recording of what they said plays in my head and I shut down. I cry,take a Ambien and go to LaLa land or just sit on the couch most of the day. This happens once or twice a week.
My question is, does this sound normal for where we are? Will I continue to get better or is this it? My health has also been affected. I have anxiety, fibro and migraines. I feel so useless sometime and that is just not me. I have always been a positive, outgoing person. Now I am a numb hermit.
Where were you at a half a year away from DD?

Bingo posted 5/22/2020 18:03 PM

Hi, Feisty

I hear the pain in your words and I'm sorry you're here.

I'm 10 months out from the first DDay. I moved out after two months of my XWH continuing contact with the OW. His affair was emotional/physical and I "think" it was finally over in February, 2020. We were divorced in March 2020..(my decision).

I still think about him everyday and I wish I didn't. We have been in contact, both through phone, text and in person. I'm like you though. I can be fine for a couple days and then....I'm not. And I go through the same range of emotions that you talk about.

I feel like I should be better but then I read on here about other people being 2-3-4 years out and they still feel the same way we do. Damn....that's hard to hear, isn't it?

That daggone 4-letter word-----time-----I guess that's what it takes but no one can predict how long.

And I do still love my XWH, too.....but love ain't enough, right? I knew I just couldn't live with a man who would treat me the way he did. Too much pride, I guess.

Just hang in there, babe. That's all I can say for now!

messyleslie posted 5/22/2020 20:06 PM

I don't know that everyone's timelines are similar. I feel like the first 6 months I was just walking through jello. I have memories of just like gut screams on the floor and such intense feelings that I have never felt before. And I would be fine and then a thought would come into my head and I would be sobbing. I felt this intense need to be with my WH all the time, like I would want him to go to the grocery store with me and be with me all the time but at the same time I also hated him and wanted to yell at him and make him feel like crap for what he did.

I remember being at the playground with my kids and googling "how to stop thinking about my husbands affair" or something like that. I was just obsessed with all the details and thoughts and it was overwhelming.

I don't think I found anything that particularly helped - seeing my IC gave me some coping skills I didn't have before, but really it was just distance. I think I realized exactly what the affair was and that the details didn't really matter. I understand why it can take 5 years to rebuild and why the bible specifically points out adultery as a reason for divorce. Its just a traumatic horrible betrayal that produces a pain that is unlike any other.

All that said, I honestly believe there are a lot of marriages that are 100% reconciled and even better than before. I have a mentor who shared that her husband had an very long EA (like maybe 5 years or more) and she can't even remember some of the details now like 20 years later. And another whose husband had a short PA and she tried to tell me about it and realized she couldn't even remember the year it happened in and the name of the AP. Both have very healthy marriages and are very happy they chose to reconcile.

My marriage didn't end in reconciliation but there were a lot of other issues at play as well. One thing that gave me comfort was that in making the decision to stay I only had to make it for that day. I gave him no guarantees about the future and I reserved the right to change my mind and my needs at any point.

LadyG posted 5/22/2020 21:44 PM

Itís very hard indeed to know whether WH or DH is complying with your Boundaries because you hit with a Post Nup which will leave him broke or whether your DH is so In love with you also that heís truly remorseful and is committed to you and never ever going wayward again.

Six months into separation is when I was discovering the worst of the betrayal.

I demanded an Easy Divorce which WH promised.

The Financial Settlement was not going to be easy and MY WH was not liking the idea of parting with my share of joint assets.

I told WH that I will love him as the father of my children. Am I in Love with him? NO. Told him that I could never be in love with an abusive adulterer.

I asked him to switch things around. Would he want the Mother of his children being with a man like him? NO!

I was taking Meds to help me carry on working but since coming off them as it no longer helped my PTSD I find the days of sitting, crying, not sleeping and feeling total despair are lessening. I have the occasional meltdown still some 11 months on, but I found this site which allows me to connect with others feeling my pain. Unfortunately WH simply doesnít understand me, but a few thousand strangers do...

I wish you well 🙏🏼

Notaboringwife posted 5/23/2020 07:56 AM

Wow, half a year from our D-day I was in R. Re-living the emotional turbulence from FWH's affair.
It hit me hard, harder than I thought. And the ups and downs for me lasted for another 7 months from the half year point.

At 6 months, I cried, had insomnia, had hard angry talks with FWH, etc. I felt those moments were destroying me, leaving me an emotional mess, tired, demotivated. Dragging my feet around the house. Dragging myself to bed.
I also had good moments, holding hands, sitting quietly together reading, talking quietly together, laughing together as examples. These moments gave me the courage to live through the downs.
I will say this from my experience: you may indeed shout, or be a banshee in the future, and that is OK. Managing intrusive thoughts, that is remembering stuff that hurts, was my challenge at 6 months and remains something I work on every day. Good friends help. You will regain your balance in life. It is what you do positively that will create the peace. I wish you well.

Notmine posted 5/23/2020 08:31 AM

This is normal. It gets better....slowly. Be easy on yourself. You are doing what you need to do. You have taken the right steps. It takes time.

Infidelity is a trauma, and BS often exhibit symptoms of PTSD. In your post, some of what you are going through is trauma response: the re-living of the trauma and obsessive thinking and flashbacks, for example. In order to remain sane during this time, I had to learn to live in the present, to be ok with uncertainty, to find ways to move on from the numbing pain. My therapist recommended a book by Pema Chodron, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change (life changing book for me). I started to meditate, which allowed me to find some space away from the misery. I began to take the steps necessary to leave him if he engaged in continued BS. I paid off my bills, lost weight, got stronger, found my self-respect. I am ready to leave if necessary...and he knows it.

It is important to focus on yourself and getting healthier and stronger. You cannot control him or the outcome. Get your ducks in a row so you do not feel trapped financially. If you do not have one, get a support system. Learn to live life on life's terms, to love yourself and to forgive yourself for being vulnerable and sad. Learn to set boundaries and enforce them. Ask for what you need to stay in the marriage if you wish to R. Know that you do not have to stay. Demand from him what will help you to heal and what will help you live without him (post-nup agreement, separate accounts, etc.). This will make you feel powerful where now you feel powerless.

Unfortunately, we as BS learn to live with an affair. We do not ever forget who we are married to. we are never people who can love unconditionally again. The loss of the "precious us' is huge. There is a process of mourning. Know that we all have been where you are. We understand. We are here to help you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/24/2020 08:43 AM

Haven't read the other responses.

Sounds very normal to me. 2-5 years to heal. You're not there yet. You may have PTSD. It might be a good idea to talk to your IC about trauma specific therapy. EMDR worked really well for me.

Luna10 posted 5/24/2020 18:33 PM

Hi feisty, Iím sorry youíre here. I felt somehow compelled to reply as your dday was 2 years later than mine almost to the date. (A day apart).

You seem in a better place than I was 6 months later although in my case I had a second dday 4 months later (Jan 2018) so it set me back.

But what youíre describing sounds about right. Letís see what I can remember from May 2018... I was all over the place. One day making plans to buy another property together (which we did in the end) the next day telling him I canít do it anymore, I want a divorce. Still losing weight and still having nightmares. I think the horrendous nightmares were just about easing off. I was no longer waking up and being hit by the reality, taking me by surprise every morning. My brain accepted it as the new reality. (looking back i find it fascinating how we are so shocked that our brain refuses to let the info sink in, hence every morning we wake up in our ďpastĒ world and then find out all over again that weíve been betrayed).

I was still hyper vigilant, I still didnít believe a word he said. I was losing it often culminating with me crying and wishing to be dead.

Prepare for this to last a long time. There is progress of course. But sometimes itís hard to quantify it. I look back now and I can see it although day to day... it feels like I just got used to the pain.

From where I am: the pain returns often (I still think about it every day, I still have unresolved anger and the sadness is so deeply ingrained). But it isnít as sharp.

GTeamReboot posted 5/26/2020 02:13 AM

My DDay was just a week or two after yours. I'd say the 6-month mark was REALLY hard for us, for a bunch of reasons. It also seems to be a common speed bump even when R is going OK overall. That last month or so has been better.

But I still think about it and about them every single day. My FWS (former WS, it's a good compromise acronym, LOL!) admits he thinks about it everyday too (the pain, the regret, the change it brought to us, etc). He and I both have a ways to go with IC and MC but we are making progress. I've never done EMDR but I play Tetris and a similar game called Woody Origin when the triggers hit me hard. Look up Tetris and trauma! It seems to be helpful but is obviously no substitute for IC focused on trauma.

However, overall you seem to be doing as well as can be expected. We "Fall 2019 DDay Girls" gotta stick together...

[This message edited by GTeamReboot at 2:14 AM, May 26th (Tuesday)]

sorrowfuld posted 5/26/2020 09:25 AM

First let me say I'm so sorry that you are here in this situation. At 6 months out from DD, I was still a mess. I still went to bed every night and woke up every morning with his A hitting me like a freight train.

I am currently about 18 months from DD 1 and 14 months from DD 2. Things have gotten better, but I still struggle with triggers or intrusive thoughts every day. I think I have just come to accept this is my reality. I do think it's sad that I have to say that though. I still don't understand how someone (WS) can be married for 20 years and decide to purposefully seek out and start a relationship with another woman.

Your life will NEVER be the same again. It sounds like he is truly remorseful which is a good thing if you want to R.

It's good to know that people do get through this. That is the only thing that gives me any hope at all.

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