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Ex-lovers breaking NC d/t coronavirus

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sundance posted 5/5/2020 18:02 PM

Apparently, it's a thing.

Went back a few pages, and didn't see a single post regarding this topic.

No one here owning it?

I've heard from my AP recently. Nothing flirtatious. Just a general, "doing okay?" kind of thing.

I googled the subject and came up with several hits.

Scary topic in general? Or everyone simply turning a blind eye?

BraveSirRobin posted 5/5/2020 20:32 PM

It was on my mind that that could happen since a mutual friend reached out last week. It's a very remote possibility that OM would try it, but I blocked him just to be sure.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 8:33 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 5/5/2020 21:12 PM

I havenít spoken to AP in either over 3 or over 4 years (donít remember which) and I definitely donít expect to ever see or hear from him again, coronavirus or not.

JBWD posted 5/5/2020 21:39 PM

Anything from AP is a potentially scary topic.

Yeah contact may be more likely as we have less means to entertain/distract ourselves. But if doing the work, I would treat an AP getting around NC as a reason for disclosure (if in R) and nothing more. Wouldnít let it scare me unless there was some degree of physical threat in the contact.

I imagine people here would own it if they initiated. I donít know that thereís a blind eye, I think regular members here have fairly consistently blocked APs.

pinkpggy posted 5/6/2020 09:15 AM

My husband mentioned it to me. I'm like really, 3 years later?? It never even crossed my mind.

MrCleanSlate posted 5/6/2020 09:24 AM

A Lot of people are sitting at home with time on their hands and are likely internet stalking old friends, business associates, former lovers, etc.

Some lonely or bored people looking to reconnect, others out of curiosity or worse.

I worry with every Linkedin invite if it may be the AP setting up a fake account to try to stalk me.

hikingout posted 5/6/2020 09:37 AM

Is your join date close to your dday? It may just be for you guys there hasnít been enough growth yet. Like Pink said itís been three years here as well...there hasnít been any of those kind of thoughts. I think many of us come to a point where the AP is really in the past and there is no curiousity or attachment left. There are no circumstances I could imagine in which the temptation would exist or any feelings to return. He was a very broken person, as was I. I am not that broken any more.

Had I been a few months out or something, I could still see there was delusions about that person. You havenít come to understand they have not ever had good intentions for you, the care and concern being illustrated is about them and their own agendas. And vice versa.

Are you still married? What did your husband say about this ďinnocentĒ transaction?

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:39 AM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 5/6/2020 10:54 AM

My husband mentioned it to me. I'm like really, 3 years later?? It never even crossed my mind.
OM followed my BH's Twitter account after 25 years of NC. I have no idea if it was intended to send some kind of message or if it was a stalking error. In any case, the clock apparently never runs out.

hikingout posted 5/6/2020 11:19 AM

I donít know BSR- in your case the situation happened when you both were young and underdeveloped and unmarried. It would be plausible to me that he may look back at that as just a run of the mill situation of young love or some sort of thing. Where the trauma occurred with you and your husband years later when he was far out of the picture. He may have just been curious as to what ever happened to you,or what you look like now, or a host of other curiosities. I think social media can kind of instigate that. I may be misunderstanding your situation so I could be wrong. I could see it feeling casual on his part even if it never would to you or your husband.

In my case, and in pinks too this was something that both parties experienced a huge marital blow up that should have caused both parties to do a lot of work on themselves. Whether that actually transpires can vary. I think even in a situation where the AP might want to reach out because they learned nothing and did no work , there is an added fear of the other spouse being told or it getting back to their own spouse would also exist. In your situation the AP likely has less to lose and had a far less learning experience from it.

Mr cleanslateís ap actively stalked and harassed after the A. In both pink and my case there was none of that. For that to suddenly develop far outside the time frame that limerance typically expires would be possible but very unlikely. I think in the OPís case the addiction is still present at least on APís side if not hers too. I just can not imagine any encounter with the AP in my situation where I felt ďcasualĒ about it. It doesnít sit right.

Zugzwang posted 5/6/2020 12:04 PM

Never crossed my mind. I guess I am too indifferent towards the AP to care of be afraid. Haven't spoken to them since 2013. Been NC and blocked long ago with a letter to telling them I don't think of them or miss them. I did wonder how many WS would be caught now that they can't get away.

What is interesting is that you think this might be going on

Scary topic in general? Or everyone simply turning a blind eye?
as in only those two choices without considering many just are indifferent and don't think of their APs period. Indifference isn't the same as turning a blind eye to me. Turning a blind eye means running and being afraid. What would there be fear for? That you would break NC and go back if they reached out. Scary topic? Why? As opposed to closed chapter. Sounds more like trusting yourself issues at play. Who gives a shit if they try. You should trust yourself to not bite or even want to bite which you wouldn't if you had changed.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 12:06 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

pinkpggy posted 5/6/2020 12:14 PM

My affair blew up two families....with the threat of legal action. ZERO desire to ever have contact on both parties sides I'm sure. Besides that, I'm not that person any more nor is there any pull to go back to a life like that.

I can honestly say the thought never occurred to me. I rarely think of HIM at all any more so for me its a non issue. It seems like 100 years ago and not just 3.

I hope for whomever has been contacted, they have reinforced NC, and made sure to block on all platforms. It doesn't take a pandemic to let an AP back in your life. It can happen if you simply let your guard down. No contact = No New Hurts.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:19 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

pinkpggy posted 5/6/2020 12:14 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:15 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

sundance posted 5/6/2020 22:45 PM

From JBWD: Anything from AP is a potentially scary topic.

Yes, exactly! That's what I meant by too scary to even want to talk about it.

Also, maybe just wanting to tell yourself that since X number of years have passed, there's no way it could possibly happen to you (turning a blind eye to the possibility-- no way, not me, kind of thing).

From MrCleanSlate: A Lot of people are sitting at home with time on their hands and are likely internet stalking old friends, business associates, former lovers, etc.
Some lonely or bored people looking to reconnect, others out of curiosity or worse.

I worry with every Linkedin invite if it may be the AP setting up a fake account to try to stalk me.

Worry is a good way to put it (probably better than scary). But I think both feelings seem appropriate-- worried that it could happen, and scared when/if it does happen.

It would definitely scare me if I had to worry about continued contact. And yes, I've blocked and blocked again. It's not fun to have to disclose contact-- it's just not.

From HikingOut: Is your join date close to your dday? It may just be for you guys there hasnít been enough growth yet. Like Pink said itís been three years here as well...there hasnít been any of those kind of thoughts.

I think many of us come to a point where the AP is really in the past and there is no curiosity or attachment left.

Had I been a few months out or something, I could still see there was delusions about that person. You havenít come to understand they have not ever had good intentions for you, the care and concern being illustrated is about them and their own agendas. And vice versa.

Affair ended 2015. No contact for years, until now. No curiosity on my end, and zero interest in reconnecting with AP. Re-blocked.

From Zug: What is interesting is that you think this might be going on
.

Oh, I know it's going on because I googled it. Because my first thought when I saw the contact, was, "WTF is this? And, is this happening to others?" Based on the google "hits" I got, my situation is not an isolated event. It seems that many people, because of coronavirus, are reaching out to Exes. Which, honestly, is a relief to me as contact can be viewed as situational (versus the more creepy stalking variety).

From Pinkpggy: It doesn't take a pandemic to let an AP back in your life.

Agreed, but apparently some APs are treating the pandemic as a "green light" to check-in. Even after years of NC.

Thank you to everyone for the thoughtful comments, and for helping me clear my head and collect my thoughts. Thank you, SI, for being here every day (especially during this pandemic).

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/7/2020 06:00 AM

If there is one thing that infidelity has taught me, itís that people can act quite irrationally and manage to justify it in their minds.

At this point in my journey (almost 10 years), I can say with confidence that I will not reach out to my AP, however that confidence stops there. I have had NC with him this whole time. I have no idea what he has done in terms of healing himself or his marriage. I mistakenly trusted him once, however he took upon himself to disclose out affair to my husband in a very public and spectacular way.

I donít trust him to keep NC now or ever. I hope he does. I donít spend my days worrying about it. I have taken steps in my life to ďdisappearĒ from his view, such as changing my phone number, getting rid of social media, and moving halfway across the country. I am sure he could still find me if he really wanted to pandemic or not.

I have seen a lot of people come back here after being gone for years because they felt it was okay to check on their AP just to see how they were doing. I will never take years or hard work for granted thinking it will never happen. I can only control my side of it and what I do if it does occur.

My point is vigilance isnít a bad thing. People do crazy things particularly during crazy times and this pandemic definitely qualifies. Transparency will be ever present in my marriage. I hope we never have to cross that bridge, however I will never assume that we wonít.

Stay safe yíall.

Zugzwang posted 5/7/2020 08:09 AM

What is interesting is that you think this might be going on

What I meant is just those two reactions that I quoted. You implied to me that those two reactions were the only ones and if it wasn't mentioned or talked about this is why?

Scary topic in general? Or everyone simply turning a blind eye?
Where as those long out have neither and they aren't turning a blind eye or avoiding the subject. They just are indifferent or don't care.

hikingout posted 5/7/2020 08:30 AM

I guess I also echo what walking just said- I simply donít worry about it because I know what I would do in response. I am not a person who worries by nature- especially about things I canít control. I donít have to trust him not to contact me, I only have to trust myself as itís the only thing I can control. I do think itís unlikely but if it happened it would be dealt with appropriately.

I donít really feel vigilant though because I feel for the most part thatís putting energy towards him or making an assumption the other way. I think to imagine he would feel the urge is probably less helpful than to assume he is indifferent too. It would be too close to the thing that I was seeking in the affair. (Assuming I was special to him some way and that continued). We never know what happened but unless proven otherwise a contributing factor to indifference can also be assuming the same is felt in return. At least thatís the way I deal with it. YMMV.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:46 AM, May 7th (Thursday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 5/7/2020 09:00 AM

The trauma occurred with you and your husband years later when he was far out of the picture. He may have just been curious as to what ever happened to you,or what you look like now, or a host of other curiosities. I think social media can kind of instigate that. I may be misunderstanding your situation so I could be wrong. I could see it feeling casual on his part even if it never would to you or your husband.
Yeah, I get what you're saying. I was head over heels for the guy I was involved with immediately before BH, and all I feel now is the kind of idle curiosity you describe. If that guy reached out to say hi, I'd still keep him at arm's length, but it would be on general principle. SI has had too many members arrive here after "innocent" reconnections to a HS or college love. Had I never seen this site, I might believe it was fine to strike up a casual friendship again. And if I found out I loomed large in his present life in any way, I would be utterly stunned.

It would be a good thing if OM has reached a level of casual indifference towards me, and honestly, that was my assumption until we saw the Twitter follow. It wasn't me OM contacted, it was BH. In order to think my husband would want to hear from him, he'd have to rewrite their entire history. They were never friends. BH and I argued for 8 months about my going NC, with OM very much aware that it was not my preference and working to maintain the connection over BH's objections. Could it have been a test to see if that water was long under the bridge? Sure, but even that would be an intentional act. It's not like FB or Instagram, where he could only see the content if he made a friend request. Unless it was a fatfingered follow, he could have satisfied his curiosity anonymously and left BH alone.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 11:03 AM, May 7th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 5/7/2020 11:44 AM

Yep I agree that is totally weird in one way. In another itís not uncommon to look someone up, see they are married and look at the spouse. I have accidentally liked and friended people in the past. I can see how this other possibility would make you edgy. I get it totally.

Iamtrash posted 5/7/2020 15:11 PM

As my BH says, thereís always a way. (In reference to AP trying to reach out.) While he is correct, isnít it your job as a WS to take every precaution to make sure theyíre blocked in every single way? And in the event that they still find a way, full transparency. You tell your BS, you donít respond, you block them again. In some cases, maybe you donít have a choice except to see them in passing. (They work with you, live near you, whatever.) Still, keeping this person out of your life is vital. The context or content of their messages is irrelevant. If they are still thinking about you enough to reach out, theyíre a threat.

My affair ending is still less than a year out. Maybe itís different for me. I know I would be extremely bothered if my AP were to try to reach out. So would my BH. Itís just too fresh for us.

JBWD posted 5/8/2020 11:57 AM

That's what I meant by too scary to even want to talk about it.

Gently, F that. Thereís nothing too scary to talk about. I certainly wonít let the knowledge that AP could find a way paralyze me- But I also am facing this recovery separate from my BW, so you could say I have it easier.

Bottom line itís a hazard of digital media and itís a lifelong scar from our betrayals.

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