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Iím curious about something

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Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 09:47 AM

Nothing reputable Iíve seen, just you stating it over and over stinger.

Stinger posted 4/16/2020 09:51 AM

Wiki has a good summary of the various studies. Just google domestic violence against men.
I know, it is shocking due to the propaganda that is out there.

Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 10:08 AM

Ok...well I choose to believe the overwhelming wealth of resources from what I consider reputable sources - peer reviewed journals, government official data, and reputable civic organizations and nonprofits. I guess that is propaganda to you. Any fool can update a Wikipedia page with some red pill agenda nonsense.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:15 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]

Stinger posted 4/16/2020 10:15 AM

The studies are fairly consistent. Choose to believe what you want.

Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 10:15 AM

Yeah - consistent with your agenda. You continue to share nothing specific, reputable or peer reviewed. Enjoy your delusions.

Stinger posted 4/16/2020 10:33 AM

Just the facts, lady. Sorry if it threatens your reality.

Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 10:35 AM

On the contrary, I am open to new things if I actually receive reputable facts. I have received nothing of the kind from you. I am only threatened in the sense that I find all who do not live in the reality based community off putting. Like watching my aunts watch Fox News or my cousin not vaccinate her kids...itís disconcerting but I am secure in the knowledge that I am dealing with the closest thing to the truth. Can sources be flawed, yeah - but Iím not getting mine from a politically aligned website or a wiki or a reddit subculture

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:39 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]

Stinger posted 4/16/2020 10:38 AM

Sounds like you have a handle on it, a monopoly on the facts, apparently.

Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 10:40 AM

Lol thatíd be such an amazing power wouldnít it? All I ask for is the facts, reputable facts. You just donít seem to want to interact with reputable data.

Darkness Falls posted 4/16/2020 10:40 AM

Making this post was not intended to deny that men also suffer abuse at the hands of women (and other men, if in a same-sex relationship). I realize men are victims too. I donít have an agenda, nor do I think violence against men should be minimized. I merely found it curious that, in the unscientific sample that is 10 years of following posts on SI, more WW than BW seem to accept physical abuse from their spouses, either preceding or more commonly following discovery of an A.

It makes sense to me that feelings of shame and low self-worth are logical explanations. I agree with those who have said that it should never be acceptable no matter the gender or fidelity of the victim.

Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 10:43 AM

Exactly - and your post did not deny that at all. I donít get why this is even being discussed in the first place. Your postís intent is clear.

I donít deny men are victimized too. I now recall a gay acquaintance who was by his partner. I know it happens but stingerís insistence on the unsupported idea that women are the main perpetrators is ridiculous and must be called out.

There is so much disinformation it has to be countered.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:44 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]

Brokenlifer posted 4/16/2020 11:00 AM

And abuse is abuse, many BW stay through TONS of abuse (including the cheating) and look the other way.

Exactly, thank you!!

If a WW is hit she's likely told to get out asap. But if a WH gives his wife an std or risks doing so which is ALL who had PAs, condoms don't prevent all STDs nor are they 100% effective, she is not told to get out.

She is told it's sad but that she can still have a good marriage & sex life, if she makes more of an effort.

She is encouraged to deal with the trauma from it alone. But are WHs ever held accountable for this abuse? If he hit her he'd be told (if the poster believes it's possible to R with this type of abuse)he at least needs anger management. If he complained about his BW he'd be told but you hit her? When does a WH get told (besides by me):

You made the mother of your children get std tests. You gave her chlamydia. What gives you the right to be annoyed that she is asking you questions or telling you she's in pain. Don't you appreciate that she's forgiving you for abusing her.

Personally I don't understand why losing one's temper is unacceptable but deliberately risking your spouse's health is something you can just say sorry for and still expect your BW to make more of an effort to satisfy your needs while suffering from trauma. That's fine with WH. Think about it, the vast majority don't use protection but when do they EVER address their abuse. They still complain about their BWs though.

Jameson1977 posted 4/16/2020 11:05 AM

Physical, mental, or emotional abuse should never be tolerated, regardless of WS/BS.

I would think that some of my actions post dday could be seen as mentally and emotionally abusive, not my proudest moments.

I have seen a double standard here at SI and other sites, especially when it comes to BW hitting or being physical with WH's. The replies to these posts can be vastly different than if a BH is physical with a WW.

Initially, I would have consider what my WW's AP did to her as abuse (specific sexual acts). Had I done what he did to my WW and posted it here, I would be lambasted. Now, she alowed it to happen, willingly, so I don't consider it abuse noww. Maybe, abuse of the situation. However, she could have said no, and I believe the AP would have respected that.

With my WW, I know there were times she wanted me to hit her. She told me to many times, I never once touched her physically in that way. I think she felt that she needed to be punished. Her seeing how this affected me was very, very hard on her.

Looking back now, and after much IC, she is in a much stronger place personally, and I know she wouldn't put up with anything like this now, but between after dday, I think she would have tolerated it. Any WW out there reading this, your partner being physically abusive is NEVER okay.

Hippo16 posted 4/16/2020 11:57 AM

google national domestic violence hotline:

1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.[iv]


question for thought: How much goes unreported?

nekonamida posted 4/16/2020 12:06 PM

DF, I find it a bit curious that you've never seen a BW on SI excuse her WH's violence. I can think of multiple BWs who did so. Without naming names, I know of a BW who R'd who had a violent history with her WH who frequently excused it away because she started it or pushed his buttons or got physical with him back. Granted, I don't know all the details to that but it didn't sound justified to me in context. And then there was the BW whose WH put glass in her vibrator and pissed in her shampoo. She made a lot of excuses for him too.

There's one BW who doesn't post anymore that caught her WH and neighbor in the basement together. Her WH turned around and decked her in the face. She made so many excuses for him. That she surprised him. That he was sorry and remorseful. It was an accident. He didn't even know who was coming down the stairs. IIRC, one of her last posts here was that he was cheating again. I think about her from time to time and I really hope she got far away from him.

No one deserves abuse. No one should have to excuse or justify their spouse's abuse.

Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 12:21 PM

question for thought: How much goes unreported?

A good question. I bet a lot, from both sexes. I know many women who never reported just in my own life. It would be interesting to compare rates of reporting to shelters vs police.

It would also be interesting to know from DV shelters (which cater predominantly to women) how often they have to reserve motels and hotels for male victims. I understand in Dallas they have Noticed more men than before due to a tweak in the way officers respond to incidents and ask questions. Does not outpace women but it increased male victim reporting. That led to some shelters opening up for male victims in that area. In other shelters they typically work with women but when they DO have male victims they will often reserve hotel spaces for them.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 12:25 PM, April 16th (Thursday)]

Stinger posted 4/16/2020 14:31 PM

The reports of studies demonstrate roughly gender parity, with a slight edge toward female on male violence, in the majority.
In any case, even if the reverse were true, how does it explain the exponentially greater number of women's shelters. It is like 1000 to one.
As one poster points out, in some locales, the DV shelters have To farm out the men to hotels and such. Why no shelters in the first place.
And, in reading a ton of posts, my impression is that BWs that slap, or hit, or throw things at their WHs, while called out to an extent, it is not near the extent of a BH doing the same to a WW.

waitedwaytoolong posted 4/16/2020 15:27 PM

Did I want to punch my wife on DDay? You bet I did. I also want to punch out the guy who sees me waiting for a parking space and takes it anyway. Do I hit him. No. You donít hit people unless you or someone else is in imminent harm.

I probably would have had an exception for her AP in the right situation. Of course at the time he probably would have beat the crap out of me

With my WW, I know there were times she wanted me to hit her. She told me to many times, I never once touched her physically in that way. I think she felt that she needed to be punished. Her seeing how this affected me was very, very hard on her.

This was the case with us

The thing is it wouldnít have made me feel better, but I actually think it might have helped her by letting me even part of the score in a perverse way

It makes sense to me that feelings of shame and low self-worth are logical explanations

I think DF is spot on with this. If I had hit her a month before her affair she would have been out the door in a nano second Yet, a month later she would have welcomed it. She was that full of shame. I donít think she would have tolerated it more than one time, but I am almost positive she would have just looked at it as a consequence and life would have gone on. Crazy, one month

The bottom line remains that it is NEVER acceptable to hit your spouse .

Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 15:56 PM

The reports of studies demonstrate roughly gender parity, with a slight edge toward female on male violence, in the majority.

NO. You yet again refuse to cite.


In any case, even if the reverse were true, how does it explain the exponentially greater number of women's shelters. It is like 1000 to one.

Because the demand is higher for women - as there are more women victims.


As one poster points out, in some locales, the DV shelters have To farm out the men to hotels and such. Why no shelters in the first place.

Yeah that was me - because I do agree this happens to men and it sucks but not the extent you say.

There arenít many shelters for men DV victims because the demand is less. When there is demand the communityís respond by building them or reserve hotels as the demand is smaller.

Justsomelady posted 4/16/2020 15:58 PM

All of the posts from betrayed spouses break my heart but Waited yours always break my heart especially. Itís sad as you clearly loved her, she was remorseful, and you are both still there for each other if needed but it was not salvageable.

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