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How has shelter in place helped or hurt "R"?

2timesunfaithful posted 4/4/2020 13:25 PM

I ask this because normally I'm at work, and now I'm home more. I see more of the sadness, and I wonder if its the current situation, or is this related to how she is feeling about the A?

Just curious how others are holding up under the SIP circumstance, and the increased tome together increases healing.

Stay healthy and safe.

Brokenlifer posted 4/4/2020 16:38 PM

The current situation definitely can bring people down but depending on how recent you dday I'd say it's more likely the A and you being a trigger.

Also I don't think spending more time together increases healing unless something done with that time. In fact I think it can make healing worse because it can feel like the BS is trapped with their WS who doesn't even understand why they're hurting.

gmc94 posted 4/4/2020 23:42 PM

I don't think spending more time together increases healing unless something done with that time. In fact I think it can make healing worse because it can feel like the BS is trapped with their WS who doesn't even understand why they're hurting.
yup.

As the shelter at home days have worn on, I'm finding it increasingly difficult - despite being in year 3.

We were S over the summer/fall, but he moved back home in Jan bc I have an out of town job til May and it didn't make financial sense to continue to maintain 3 homes when I can "handle" it for the weekends. But now that I'm home 7 days/wk, all the bullshit is front & center. Funny, how I asked him to move out last year, about 2 weeks after I was back home 7 days/week....

Yet, I can see how this togetherness could be a good thing for most of us, in that there is no hiding where the BS and WS are at today. IOW, both the healing/growth and the dysfunction are apparent.

bluephoenix posted 4/5/2020 01:18 AM

Brokenlifer is right. If you troll a little on the Reconciliation forum you will see a lot of posts regarding WSís and BSís stuck in isolation together. The majority of the BSís are unhappy because their is no progression in their situation. They do feel trapped with the person who hurt them and wont acknowledge or repair the damage they did.

If you want to really fix the damage you did then now is the time to work on it. Lay everything out on the table that you have done and why. Thats what she wants. To hear every detail, no matter how painful it is. To hear why, how, when and if. It doesn't matter how uncomfortable it is for you because it will never compare to the pain you put her through. The flashbacks, triggers and memories. It is your job to do the repair and rebuild work. It is both of your job to make it stronger and protect it from future APís or old ones. If you took the initiative and discussed everything with her during this time it might alleviate some of the sadness. Yes, its part of it because sheís lost her self worth and hates her life right now. Sheís afraid youíll do it again because sheís failed somehow. She feels she is not sexy or pretty enough. She is sad because you broke her heart. Be honest you cheated because you liked that feeling of being desired that someone appreciates you and finds you sexy. You probably fed lies to your AP that your wife wasn't fulfilling your needs or doing her job to the point you were believing it yourself to make it easy to cheat. In reality your wife was home remaining loyal to you. At this moment is not the time to feel sorry for yourselves. If you really want R then use this isolation to undo the damage you have done. Make your BS feel loved and heard.
I want to read successful R stories from all of this Covid-19 isolation. start reading a lot of John Gottman books if you have to.

Walkingthewire posted 4/5/2020 09:27 AM

My fWH is an essential employee and has a letter he has to carry with his work badge from Homeland Security.
As far as we know this is how it will be. But his work has gone from over 500 people working to about 30-50 per project.

Itís a double edged sword. Yes, happy to still be working and making money but he also has major anxiety about possibly bringing the virus home.
We wouldnít last a day or two of him being home full time. Not because of the A and our recovery. But because he does not know how to just chill. He has to be working or doing something or he goes stir crazy. Lol. He doesnít see all my emotions during the day. But when he gets home he can tell if something is wearing me down.
I think we have done pretty well with communication since d day.
Next week he starts 7 days a week 12 hours per day. 😕

2timesunfaithful posted 4/5/2020 10:39 AM

I am considered an essential employee, I'm working on supply transports, so I need to go to work. On Friday, one of the folks in production tested positive for COVID19 in my area. So, I may be at home soon. I will use this time to speak those unspoken thought and not let the moment pass. For those who are out 1 or 3 years it never really goes away, The biggest problems WS's have is that they think things are back to normal and let the status quo persist.
I realize 5+ years later, my BW still thinks about it every day, so I should keep supporting, this is the time.

Lostallalone posted 4/5/2020 14:17 PM

Not bad. I'm a madhatter. Long long story. We are getting along kinda nice. My main job is automotive so it was shut down. My 2nd job is gas station. Still providing best I can.
My wife and I are getting along much better. Although one day I couldn't file for unemployment. And couldn't get in touch with mortgage co. So she wanted my phone. I was frustrated from all the run around and wouldn't give up my phone. She then accuses me of cheating. I threw my phone and said fuck it. Went to bed at 5.

pinkpggy posted 4/5/2020 16:28 PM

For me it has just magnified the loneliness and separation. We are home together all day but I feel completely alone. We don't spend time together. I thought maybe he would pitch in and it's just shown that I am keeping everything and everyone together. Makes me sad. We are getting along well though so that's good.

leavingorbit posted 4/6/2020 21:49 PM

Weíre fortunate in that we are both self employed and our schedules are flexible. It hasnít been a huge adjustment aside from our oldest being home from school and the general anxiety of the circumstances. Weíve hammered out a lot of different things lately, good talks.

Iíve been speaking up and asking for help a lot more since this started. Itís still a learning curve. Iím just so grateful that weíre all together for the ride.

Brokenlifer posted 4/7/2020 01:08 AM

YES! To what bluephoenix said!!
Please read all of it and take it onto account.

I want to quote everything she said to emphasise but I won't, basically please take what she said very seriously, so instead I'll just point out this part


She feels she is not sexy or pretty enough. She is sad because you broke her heart.

You don't have to wonder how she feels, this is how she feels. Do something about it.

Zugzwang posted 4/7/2020 08:20 AM

Scared shitless to lose my wife. She has asthma and abnormal red blood cells, anemia, and low white blood cell counts. When she gets sick, she gets sick.

I still have to work. Manager of a store.

Chaos posted 4/7/2020 09:29 AM

I see more of the sadness

Gently it is good that you do see it. Look hard and let it sink in. This is her current reality.

Now that you see it and process it - what are you going to do about it? Be open and honest and vulnerable with her. Recognize her pain. Reassure her. This is an opportunity for you.

I wonder if its the current situation, or is this related to how she is feeling about the A?

As I BS I can assure you this is about the A. Because her pain is so real and raw that she is probably barely aware of anything else in the world - even as horrific as a pandemic. To her that's just static and perhaps a distraction. I can almost guarantee even if she says it is due to the pandemic - that's a front.

Being quarantined you now have a view into what she deals with when you don't see her. Don't look away. Look at her. Look at her pain. Look at her all broken and exhausted not knowing why this happened to her yet still trying to function. And admire the inner strength that takes.

hikingout posted 4/7/2020 13:14 PM

I would say it's been overall good for us. It's had it's drawbacks and illuminations of more work I need to do, but it's been good. I haven't been on much because I never have been getting on when we are home together.

We have plans to retire before too long and it was a good glimpse of what that will look like. I think we both like what we are seeing from a relationship standpoint. We have gotten creative and have new routines that are slower and we are enjoying that.

For me, the drawback is I am in the house and 'overdoing" again - making 3 meals a day and prepping other treats. I have found myself in that domestic space that I realized that I was retracing some of the issues I had prior to the affair. Filling myself up with busy. Needing to be productive to feel worthy. I even caught myself the other day feeling like he wasn't appreciating it, and that was when I had to really draw the line. One of our big issues from before was that I would do things to get love. I wasn't into that full blown this time, but I did notice some of that mentality creeping in and I had to abolish it again.

Overall though, I don't know if it's been healing, but it's been good. We are both working at home - so we are apart for portions of the day as we do that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:18 PM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

2timesunfaithful posted 4/10/2020 19:34 PM

Zug,
I'm sending prayers for your wife to stay healthy during this pandemic. Stay safe, keep her safe, and know things will get better. Social distancing appears to be working.


2tu

am452 posted 4/14/2020 13:56 PM

It has done both for us.
I'm a mad hatter, and BH would talk to his OP when I'm at work, I've been furloughed because I'm asthmatic (and pregnant) but my store is still open. So the crippling anxiety and worry about what kind of mood he will be in when I get home is gone, which is huge for me.
BH lost his job shortly before COVID, so it brings a lot of stress financially. The good times are great, and there's so much time to focus on us and our family (we are both homebodies) but the times when BH needs space are the worst because we are both literally stuck at home.
We both admit that we miss going out on the occasional date.
Hopefully things will be better by the time this all blows over.

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