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Tell me what you think

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Thumos posted 2/26/2020 18:07 PM

I had this thought in my head that seemed to come from nowhere. It said "You can't have it both ways". I'm not 100% sure, but I think that was God telling me that He isn't going to listen to me as long as I continue with this lie. Since then I've felt increasingly disconnected from Him.

As a fellow Christian I believe you are correct. I have heard this same still small voice in times of crisis as have many other believers. It is one of the confirmations of our faith. It also seems to usually deliver very succinct words that cut through the Gordian's knot of complexity we humans can assemble around something.

The voice is right. Your therapist is wrong. You need a new therapist.

You will not be able to live with the guilt of this without it affecting your marriage. And it will be a lesser marriage because of it if you keep it secret. It certainly may be the case that by telling the truth you will end up with no marriage at all, but I think that is better than a half-life marriage, which is what you have now.

Already the stress of this is preventing you from being everything your wife deserves, from being the husband she needs who honors her.

Also, you are violating your wife's informed consent to be in this relationship with you by keeping crucial information from her.

I think you know all of this and it's why you came here. I think you're trying to finish processing so you can tell her.

I'm surprised that I'm going to say this next thing (because as a traumatized betrayed husband I don't often see very many wayward spouses coming here at first who seem to get it): you sound like a self-aware person who is trying to do the right thing.

So do the right thing.

Zugzwang posted 2/27/2020 17:44 PM

I just want her to leave me alone.
She isn't going to do that till you send a NC letter like the ones in the library. You need to be honest and firm...with her not going away thinking that you are doing this because of your wife or that you will miss her. Just, it was wrong. I love my wife. (Don't talk about how you hurt her- some women get off on that), and that you want nothing to do with her and have no feelings for her at all type of thing.

My wife had issues with the way I broke up with my AP. My wife was right to have them. It was a so-long. Fond farewell. I think highly of you and in different circumstances wish I could have gotten to know you better. Well...that kept her coming back to fish for me. It made her focus on my wife being the reason we couldn't be friends anymore. Which wasn't the truth, though I see that many APs focus on that. In reality I didn't give two cents about her. I just wanted to keep the reputation of me with her. Being the good guy. That guy. That can have a wife and get more. It was all about keeping that false self with everyone.

In the long run my wife and I both sent NC letters to my APs. We got crickets after that. Before that it really bothered my wife too that these women I allowed to emotionally rape her were walking around thinking they were the cat's meow and I was missing them. Your wife isn't going to settle with your AP thinking she won something and getting an ego lift from her (wife) till your wife hits the anger phase and flatness phase and realizes that she upset over a cheater.

Beachwalker posted 3/4/2020 19:19 PM

Once again deciding to disclose is a great step. And involving BW in a NC communique is absolutely a great idea.

Hear, hear!! If my WW had sat down with me and put together a NC letter telling AP1 to buzz off and she was no longer interested in continuing the A, I would have felt a large weight come off my chest. And, it would have built a little more trust for her. Become a Nike and Just Do It!

Well, not right at first. You will know when the time is right to sit down with your BW and accomplish this goal.

toughtotrust posted 3/5/2020 16:41 PM

You need to tell your wife, and you need to tell her yesterday. You have now been preparing for this moment for almost 6 months. To your wife, this will all be new. The longer you wait, the worse it will be on her. Every day, is another day, of you lying by omission.

Although I am currently not terribly religious, with 12 yrs of catholic schooling, along with several years on the school board and parish council, that qualifies me as much as anyone else to talk about religion. You are only using your religion as a crutch, to try to help yourself. Its like taking a pain-reliever for a brain tumor. You might get a little relief, but ultimately, you are just avoiding the problem.

With all that said, I truly believe your sincerity, and hope that you act quickly to resolve this. Your wife, will be looking for you to prove that she can feel "safe" that something like this can not happen again. This is the reason why your "lying in plain sight" even though everything is over, is problematic. Hopefully, your wife has noticed good "changes" that she can look back on to validate your story. Keep in mind that you seem to have your ducks lined up for reconciliation, but, even though you seem to have a plan to to do everything correctly, you have little choice in what ultimately happens. Neither does God.

I wish you the best.

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