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An update on N and I

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Newlifeisgreat posted 3/19/2020 20:43 PM

Any idea if he went back to the IC?

LifeDestroyer posted 3/19/2020 20:44 PM

He did not. Instead he got his car windows tinted.

Newlifeisgreat posted 3/21/2020 19:40 PM

How are YOU doing??

LifeDestroyer posted 3/21/2020 20:11 PM

Wednesday, I asked him if he is wanting us not to talk. He hadn't been answering any of my texts. He said the only thing he would talk about is divorce. I thanked him for at least responding. He then wrote that hopes that we can work together to make this as peaceful and painless as possible, but that he cannot be my friend. I am not a friend.

I replied with: I was not a friend during my affair. I was a shitty person. I am not that shitty person anymore. I really hope one day you can see that. I hope she can have parents who are friends. I am sorry that I hurt you.

He then wrote: What you want isn't realistic. Being friends after divorce is damaging to both of us. How do we date in that scenario? No sane person would involve in that shit show.

He said he wasn't meaning he was rushing to date, he was just saying.
I told him that when he dates, I won't be asking him details, just if she is good to our daughter. I explained that maybe I am stuck in a fantasy world where we can be great co-parents who actually get along. I'm stuck there because I want this to be best for her.

He said co-parenting doesn't mean friendship.

I had to go to the bathroom to have a breakdown, after he said we can't be friends. I then took a shower and continued crying. I came out and couldn't stop. She came in my room and asked what was wrong. I told her that I just needed to cry. She tried giving me her stuffed animals. I told her that I just needed a few minutes and would be ok. Eventually I was able to stop crying. We then had this text conversation.

I said he was right and that "I just had my hopes up so high. I guess that was very stupid on my part. We spent time together. You said things that had me thinking that there could be a really good chance that maybe we could try. I know that I shouldn't have let myself think any of that, but that's all I want. I also honestly thought you wanted it too."

He said that he never recovered from the trickle truth, and he said that he was sorry.

I told him that at the time I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, but all I did was cause more pain. I said that "my biggest concern right now is our daughter. I know you keep saying she will be ok, and hopefully she will be. But I will always worry and hate myself for what I did to her. I know she will find out one day that I am the reason her parents divorced. I'm terrified of what she will feel and think. I'm terrified of what this all will do to her. Again, hopefully she will be fine, but if she's not. That's on me. I don't want to hurt her."

He told me that he will never believe that I was thinking of anyone but myself. That's part of the damage continuing to lie did.
He said that "even in that long paragraph, you were worried how her finding out, will affect you."

I said that I am terrified of what she will think and feel and what it will do to her. He apologized for reading that wrong and said "This is a good example why you shouldn't want to be with me. I will always think you're lying. So I won't give you the benefit of the doubt. Why would you want to live like that?"
I told him "I love you. I want to be with you. I know it would be like that if we actually stayed together. I would also hope at some point your doubt would lessen, and if it didn't then I would do whatever you needed me to help with that. I would also know that you would think I'm lying and question me because I caused you to think that."

He said over the next few months he was looking to buy a house if not then rent an apartment. I asked if he was looking for the same town we are in now. He said what choice does he have. Lol, I said you have a choice that doesn't require any moving, but other than that the same town. He never wrote anymore.

Thursday, before picking her up, he went to look at a trailer. When he arrived, he looked very sad and tired. While she went to her room for a minute, he looked at me and then stepped outside. He bent over and rested his head on the railing. I was about to ask him how it went, when she came out calling for me. They then left.

Yesterday morning I asked him about how it went yesterday looking at the trailer. He said it was a shitbox that didn't leak, so it'll do. I said if it was a shitbox then why would you want it. He said it would do for him. I told him but it's not just him because our daughter would live there too. He said she's 6 and doesn't need crown molding. "No, but she also doesn't need to live in a shitbox like you have described it!" Again I asked why doesn't he rent an apartment and then look since he always does great researching when buying something. He said that takes time and money, which he has neither of. He said he is starting his life over again and has to think about where he will be 15 years down the road. I asked "and you still can't see us together 15 years down the road?" He didn't say anything but did a sad and tired head shake like "I don't know."

When he got home, I was about to leave but she started begging me to stay. He said I could stay for a bit because he was going to lay down.
After he woke up, or at least came back out, she was begging me not to go. I told her that I would see her in two days and her and daddy were going to hang out all day tomorrow. Shortly after I left, he sent me a text saying "I know this isn't easy. Soon you'll will be home with her where you belong." I told him "Except it won't be home because you won't be there. She'll still be going back and forth, having to say bye to one of us."

I then asked him to please not move into a trailer. He said he wouldn't move her somewhere unsafe. I said I know he wouldn't. He said that I have nothing to worry about then, but I said I do because neither of them deserve to live in a trailer.

I'm trying not to go crazy while stuck in this apartment. When I have our daughter, I'm not going out. Trying to do the social distancing while she's with me.

I have to give my 30 day notice on April 1st. I'm not sure when or what we are going to tell our daughter. I will eventually need to start packing and she will wonder what's going on.

I feel awful for putting him here. I know he is the one keeping himself stuck, he and some here have said that, but I still feel awful. I know I can end all of this for him right now, but I also know it wouldn't completely end it all.

Justsomelady posted 3/21/2020 20:31 PM

Hugs to you LD, very sorry.

Darkness Falls posted 3/21/2020 20:46 PM

LD, I have to say, I agree with him to an extent. Good, “friendly” co-parenting doesn’t mean friends, at least not by most people’s definition. Divorce means separate lives. Yes, you’re bound together to an extent because of your daughter, but your lives are not intertwined beyond that which is necessary to raise her.

LifeDestroyer posted 3/21/2020 20:59 PM

And I can understand that from his side. It's just very hard to think that I can't be friends with the man who I've spent half of my life with.

Iamtrash posted 3/22/2020 09:23 AM

It may seem impossible, I’m still hoping for a miracle for you both. I keep hoping he goes to IC and helps himself. I see and trust that you are continuing to grow and learn from this.

LifeDestroyer posted 3/22/2020 09:34 AM

Thanks IAT. I hope he goes back too for himself. It's not fun having someone point out your faults and ask you to work on them, but eventually it helps.

JungAdmirer posted 3/22/2020 18:12 PM


I am a BH (2012), and I am willing to share my thoughts. My WW's affair ended our marriage for me. Perhaps it was over for her before that, but she kept that to herself. Imagine for a second you are uncoupled; you would have certain standards. You might not date a smoker or an excessive drinker or a hard core drug user. These standards are normal, expected and deeply personal. Even 8 years out, I might partner with a smoker or a drinker, but never with a WW or fWW unless they demonstrate a measure of growth significantly in addition to the remorse SI suggests as required. You are asking your BH to choose you again knowing what he now knows about you.

I do understand after causing this kind of pain, at least to the extent WS's can empathize, you might never inflict this on another again in life. The "I will never do this again" means nothing. As I said, affairs burn down the house that was a marriage. To rebuild the house you must offer what you could not offer before your affair. You must fall prostrate with vulnerability and transparency in the exact manner your partner requires. You must set aside ego and pride, and most importantly .. fear.

There is a cliche, "If I could show you how awful you made me feel, you would never be able to look me in the eye again". Show that you feel this pain, and ask what you can do to make this right. (repeatedly) You will not be able to do this until you understands your WHYs. Your partner knows this at an unconscious level. He will not trust you and may not be able to tell you why. Emotionally fall on your sword and demonstrate unwavering fealty to him. Kindest regards-

[This message edited by JungAdmirer at 7:26 PM, March 22nd (Sunday)]

gmc94 posted 3/22/2020 19:16 PM

To rebuild the house you must offer what you could not offer before your affair. You must fall prostrate with vulnerability and transparency in the exact manner your partner requires. You must set aside ego and pride, and most importantly .. fear.
Thank you for this - it's a great way to communicate a lot of things that help me as a BS, and hopefully help some WS too.

YOU MUST OFFER WHAT YOU COULD NOT BEFORE THE AFFAIR. This also speaks to the concept that a lot of WS fall into - that the M will somehow return to "normal" or whatever it was before. That is just not gonna happen (and it can take a shit ton of time and effort and energy to grieve - for both WS and BS, to BS prolly have a bit of a head start on that front, so to speak).

I, as a healing BS, will NEVER be the same person. This means that ALL of my relationships Pre-dday, including that with my WH, will never be the same. I just don't come to the table for my friends, my family, my kids, my coworkers, my acquaintances, etc. with the same perspective as I did two years ago. I've seen the man behind the curtain, so to speak, and I cannot go back to the world as it was before.

LifeDestroyer posted 3/22/2020 21:42 PM

ask what you can do to make this right

There is nothing that I can do to make this right. He has said that. The only thing he wants me to do right now is to give him a peaceful divorce.

If by some crazy miracle he said that we could try, then I wouldn't want or expect us to go back to who we were. We are not those people anymore. Would I want us to go back to some of our old ways? Sure, like the funny silly carefree type of things.

I'm not naive. I know our marriage is over. It was over the minute I decided it was ok to text the om. Do I wish we can build a new one? More than anything.

JungAdmirer posted 3/23/2020 13:29 PM


So, give your BH the peaceful divorce he asks for, and do the work to become the partner he thought you were. He will see the changes you are making and he may or may not respond. Life has a very long path. Have faith the best version of yourself will cross paths with a partner that will treat you with love, honor and respect. Endeavor to treat others the same. Kindest Regards-

LifeDestroyer posted 3/23/2020 19:45 PM

I'm not fighting him on anything. I don't agree with where he wants to live, but I don't think there's anything I can do about that. I'm trying my best not to text him like he wanted. With everything being closed around here, I have no idea when anything will happen. I suppose he can still file. We will just have to wait on taking the parenting class that is required since that building is closed until further notice. Right now, I'm just sitting here waiting for him to tell me what's going to happen next.

Wednesday the state department will vote on whether or not to close the schools for the rest of the year. While I completely understand the measures they want to take to prevent this virus from growing, I can't help but feel so sad for all of the students. The first class I ever taught should be graduating this year, and now there's a chance they won't have an actual graduation ceremony.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/23/2020 21:39 PM

I'm so sorry, LD.

LifeDestroyer posted 3/24/2020 08:46 AM

Me too

hikingout posted 3/24/2020 09:12 AM

Still reading, I just don't have any advice. I don't think there is anything that can be done at this point in time. There are situations where the BS needs to divorce to do a reset, and things can change. I would just reinforce to keep doing the work on yourself. He still may see it at some point, but if he doesn't you will be building a new woman with new perspectives, new skills, etc. You have to do that for you.

I have been part of a blended family in that my husband was divorced with kids when we met. I disagree with N's stance that a friendship can't enhance that relationship. Coparenting requires a lot of trust and communication. BUT, N hasn't been there yet, he will need some time to navigate how he wants it to look. Right now I think he feels he needs the detachment, and he believes he needs some space. I would just give it to him. Allow the situation some time to evolve. Put some slack in the line, so to speak.

I am sorry it's going this way, but try and focus on what it's teaching you and what opportunities there are in it. I know that's a hard thing to do when everything is coming unraveled but the only thing we can ever control is how we react...what we do to move forward. You have proven you have way more strength than many would have given you credit for 6 months ago. Keep progressing.

LifeDestroyer posted 3/24/2020 10:46 AM

He just sent me a text saying that he started the process.

leavingorbit posted 3/24/2020 11:01 AM

LD, I’m so sorry. I hope you’re able to achieve some peace and happiness spending time with your daughter in the coming days.

N is responsible for his choices. You are responsible for yours. I am hoping you keep making kind and compassionate choices for yourself, treat yourself gently.


gmc94 posted 3/24/2020 11:55 AM

try and focus on what it's teaching you and what opportunities there are in it
This is sooooo true for all of us, WS, BS, MH, all of us.

I honestly believe that its imperative we can find some space for gratitude about the things we learn after dday. Does NOT mean I'm glad it happened. Does NOT mean that gratitude is the only thing for which I can make space. But it DOES mean that I can hold both gratitude and other emotions (fear, anger, grief, etc) at the same time (and I find that the space for gratitude actually expands with each passing day of quarantine and pandemic).

Godspeed on this leg of your journey.

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