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An update on N and I

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landclark posted 6/29/2020 09:44 AM

Did any of you feel that way? What did you do?

We are not separated but from MY BS perspective, if we were to separate and divorce my expectation is that he would at least high level tell his family (especially 3 grown stepchildren) why, and I would also tell mine (well, probably not all of mine because some are downright horrid people). I don't think it would mean we have to share all of the details however, I am not going to be left being made out to be the bad guy, which is what he made me out to be with all the women he cheated with. That's 100% me though and my situation.

I certainly wouldn't be sharing the information with work associates unless we were also close friends, and would honestly be very selective with any friends as well. That's where I think it's really none of their business, and you can say it just didn't work out and you wouldn't be lying.

Just decide what you are comfortable saying that doesn't give details, but is also not a lie. You're under no obligation to paint the A on yourself.

hikingout posted 6/29/2020 09:56 AM

I really don't want people knowing. I just have to figure out a way I guess to not feel like I'm lying.

I agree with landclark. But, look at it this way, if it's not their business and they know no details, you are not lying. They do not have rights to that information. If it was the other way around - that you left him because of an A - what would you tell them and not feel you are lying? That's an easier answer isn't it, because it's not clouded in guilt.

leavingorbit posted 6/29/2020 10:45 AM

Yes. For me, itís a shame thing. A part of my recovery has been taking my focus off of those external voices. I guess my question would be, what would you get out of it? What would happen if you did? Or didnít? What does it do? If other people decide youíre a fraud or not, does that change how you feel inside?

Those were some of the messages I walked through with my ICís help. Changing my self talk was really helpful for me although itís definitely a learning curve.

What an up and down ride for you and your family, LD. I hope you are finding ways to peace and joy. Itís so hard. Strength.

Pippin posted 6/29/2020 15:30 PM

LD, I applaud you figuring out how to live honestly AND truthfully. I remember second guessing myself all the time at first. I understand it feels like lying when you know that people may make assumptions about the divorce that paint him negatively, and you might be in a position where they persist in the assumptions they choose to make. Here's what I would do: 1. in the specific, practice some sentences beforehand that correct them in a way that maintains privacy and ("you're assuming that he was at fault. That's not the case but I do not want to share details. He's a good man and a good father.") 2. in the general, find ways to work against the perception that men are often/always at fault in divorce. i.e. when friends, family or colleagues make comments like that, say something that calls them out. When you see a TV show that jokes about it, say to your daughter or whomever you are with "they are perpetuating stereotypes about men" or "they are making it seem like it's always the man who is untrue in a marriage but that's not true." With practice, you'll get better, and it will help you feel like you are honoring the truth of your situation and protecting your privacy.

I'm also glad you are finding friendships and wish you well.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/29/2020 16:38 PM

Of my family, I told my dad and my aunt. My aunt was a moment of weakness. I was really wishing that my mom was alive so I could talk to her. So, one day I called my aunt crying. I knew it was a bad idea as soon as I told her. She's not my mom. She couldn't have helped me like I needed. My dad knows but he's not a moral support kind of guy. I definitely get my weirdness with vulnerably from him.

It definitely is a shame and punishment thing. I don't know what I would get out of it or even expect.

Pippin, I really like your suggestions of having some set responses at hand and also stopping the go-to stereotyping of blaming the husband.

Lunch was nice. It did get a little awkward when they started talking about current events, as all of our opinions aren't the same. The lady's house that we went to, she is a theme party kind of woman, even for a small lunch. It was all 4th of July with photo props. We went outside to take some silly pictures. Hopefully we will do some more before school begins.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/29/2020 18:28 PM

The good feeling of today was short lived.

He sent a text about a parenting we have to take before the divorce is finalized. I find myself having to repeat "we are getting a divorce, that is happening" over and over again.

We left one person from our team out of the lunch unintentionally. Her feelings are very hurt. She just sent us all a text asking if she did something wrong. I wrote back saying she didn't so anything wrong and that I wasn't thinking about the whole team when I invited one more of them to the lunch (she wasn't originally in the text group).

Notmine posted 6/30/2020 15:53 PM

I just wanted to write and tell you that I am profoundly moved by your story and am just as impressed by your motivation to become a better, stronger person and your progresso in that journey. I am really gladdened that you have found a support network and that you are finding some happiness. You deserve it.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/30/2020 17:12 PM

Thank you Notmine. I wish it didn't come at the price that it did.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/30/2020 22:25 PM

I miss him

Lifeitself posted 7/1/2020 06:46 AM

How is your new normal now after he moved out? NC except kid exchange?

LifeDestroyer posted 7/1/2020 07:39 AM

My new normal sucks. It's just like when I moved out except this one is final. I want to talk him, but I know I can't.

We've texted a few times because I'm still changing over things into my name. He will come here Thursday to pick her up. I'm pretty sure he will have the divorce papers. He said they were supposed to be done on Monday, but he never told me if they were or not.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/2/2020 12:14 PM

She's excited to go to his apartment today. She keeps asking when he'll be here. She wants to see her bedroom in real life now that there's stuff in it. She'll get to pick out new curtains for her room there. He'll drop her back off here on Sunday morning.

Yesterday, my IC asked how the transition was of going back to living alone. I said that part was easy since I was just there two months ago, it's the finality that's difficult. She said that I am in the grieving part now, and that is exactly what I'm doing.

gmc94 posted 7/2/2020 17:37 PM

And grieve you must. Sucks. Another one of the "only way forward is through" phases.
I'd bet N is grieving too.

Sucks all around. You WILL get through this.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/3/2020 17:05 PM

Before my daughter left yesterday, she asked me if me and daddy were still her family. I told her that we will always be her family no matter what. I asked her why she wondered that, and she said because when she's with one person it feels like the other person doesn't exist. She said it feels like the other person isn't family anymore. She said she was sad about that. I told her that I understand why she's sad, but that we will always be her family.

I feel incredibly lost.

leavingorbit posted 7/4/2020 11:31 AM

LD, Iím sorry. Very early days for you. Iíd advise you to keep things bite size: what can you do to enrich your days? Hobbies? Mindfulness?

Peace to you.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/4/2020 20:52 PM

I'm sitting here watching the Macy's fireworks show, and I start crying. This isn't the way life is supposed to be. The three of us are supposed to go see fireworks like we always did. I'm supposed to see my daughter's face light up when she sees all of the colors in the sky. Her sweaty little body is supposed to be sitting in my lap while we look up and point out the coolest fireworks.

This new normal, there are no words to describe it correctly. I know I don't have any other choice but to get used to it and make the best of it, but right now it can go straight to hell and die there.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/6/2020 12:30 PM

Sunday morning before my daughter came home, I found one of our new hens dead. I'm not sure what happened to her. I did see a really large lump in her throat, so maybe she choked on something. I walked away from the coop and started crying. I had a big breakdown once I got inside. I know the tears weren't all for this chicken. I was sad for my daughter because this little hen actually let her hold it, and she loved it. Even though I'm not to blame for her death, I felt like it was my fault. What if the fireworks scared her to literal death? What if I had gone out sooner to check on them maybe I would have seen her struggling and could have done something. I know that none of those are realistic, but that's how I felt. I also felt like I added to the failure I feel for my daughter. I failed her in our family and now I failed her in keeping her chicken alive. I know that isn't rationale. The sadness and loneliness of the past 3 days just came crashing down yesterday morning.

I told N before they came, and he broke the news to her. When she got here, she came out of the car and started crying. I held her and told her that I cried too and was sad. He helped dig the hole, and we buried her. Before we covered the box with dirt, she told Lavender that she loved her and thanked her for letting her hold her. We only had these two hens for two weeks. The one left has worms, so now I really need to keep her alive. I was hoping to finally let her in the main coop with the rooster, but it will be a bit longer now. They both just lay against the fencing between them and just chill out.

We ended the night with a little singing and dance party in the living room. I rocked the hell out of "Let It Go." My daughter was laughing so much. Not sure if it was my mom moves or my amazing voice, but she was loving it.

Lifeitself posted 7/6/2020 13:54 PM

Sorry to hear that LD. Since you havenít mentioned, I presume N didnít bring the papers yet? You were expecting them.

Also I presume you donít have fox/weasel problem in Oklahoma:)

LifeDestroyer posted 7/6/2020 15:38 PM

He hasn't filed yet. He is waiting for the 401k information. He did send me the documents yesterday to look over and review, make sure everything is correct. Once he does file it, it will take about 3 months for the judge to grant his request.

thatwilldo posted 7/6/2020 16:12 PM

LifeDestroyer, I know things are tough right now, but IMO you continue to seek attention and validation with almost every post you make.

How about a little introspection about why you're this way. Incidents like the dead hen happen to all of us on a regular basis, but we don't bring it up in the WW section of SI. You are very needy. Why?

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