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An update on N and I

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LifeDestroyer posted 6/23/2020 15:25 PM

MIgander, I'm not sure if you meant JSL inappropriate "rapist" remark struck a nerve in you or me. Me, absolutely because she is so far from reality with that remark. I would like to think that it would hit a nerve with anyone if some stranger, who thinks she knows us so well, calls their husband a rapist when he has never done anything remotely close those acts.

I do hold him up as a decent man, because I know he is one. I will always think that he is a good man and one who has a huge heart. All you, anyone, on here sees are our words. You have not seen what I have in him. You have not seen how he is once he acknowledged his past choices. He sees himself as a bad guy, and that kills me because I know he is not that. He has taken ownership of his past, and he has let it warp his view of himself.

I don't believe that years ago he woke up each day and said to himself "I'm going to be a total asshole to my wife and make her feel like shit on purpose." He had miserable days and alcohol didn't help. I didn't help either because I let shit happen. I wish I was strong enough back then to have said something, to have told him "this shit is not right," but I wasn't. I didn't want to rock the boat and lose him because I loved him and needed him. Once he stopped drinking, once he realized that it had a hold of him, everything changed. He was no longer that asshole, but I was still too afraid to say anything. I should have just said "I love you" and not worried about whether or not he would say it back and mean it. I should have told him that we needed to talk about that. I should have done a lot of things differently.

I did not, do not, and will never consider him as an abuser. Honestly, if our daughter found a man like her daddy, then I would be very happy for her because for all of the shit he did/said in his past it doesn't even compare to the amazing things/qualities about him. I would also tell her not to take any crap and to stand up for herself. But hopefully I won't ever have to tell her that, because hopefully she will grow up knowing that all of her opinions/concerns/feelings have been acknowledged. That's not something I had growing up. I will always defend N. He is the man that I grew up with. He is the father of my child. He is the man that I will always love. I told him the other night, that whether he likes it or not, he will always be my family. Not the family that I only talk to on special occasions, but the family that I would do absolutely anything for.

While all of you have walked down, and are still walking down, the path of infidelity, all paths are different. While our path may be similar, it is not the same. Some of you have children and some don't.
Some chose to have children even after walking down this path. Just like I can't see into your home with your children, you can't see into ours. You can't see the smile on our daughter's face when we all do something together. For 2 months, she has been able to have both of her parents under the same roof with her. I will never regret these 2 months because that was extra time for all of us. We always ask her how she is feeling, what she is thinking about this and if she wants to talk about anything, and she actually asks us the same thing. We didn't want to screw our child up, and I hope we haven't. I know that she will grow up with two parents who love her unconditionally and who will always acknowledge her.


HellFire posted 6/23/2020 15:38 PM

Deleted. Brain isn't working today.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:24 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 6/23/2020 15:54 PM

She asked Justsomelady. Migander had only read what JSL said and was asking questions out of concern about what JSL had posted.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/24/2020 20:28 PM

He's been packing, and I've been helping with our daughter's things and kitchen items that I know he'll need. Coming home from yoga tonight, I started crying in the car. I let out this guttural scream like I've never done before. I continued the crying in the shower. I know this is what he feels that he needs and there's nothing I can do to change that. The only thing I can do is choose to be happy, at least while I'm around our girl.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 6/24/2020 21:48 PM

I agree with JSL. Stockholm Syndrome.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 9:49 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 6/25/2020 17:45 PM

JustSomeLady, you have a pm.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/26/2020 09:57 AM

I have to figure out a way to not contact him unless it is absolutely about our daughter. He wants to be completely alone. He doesn't want a relationship/responsibility/sharing/worrying about anyone else (besides daughter). He said that the way divorce works, no contact. When it's between two people who no longer love each other, sure, but is it the same when there still is love? I can't see that.

hikingout posted 6/26/2020 10:17 AM

I think look at it as time for him to gain clarity. There may still be love but love doesnít fix everything. Respect his wishes and give him some room, as the other way hasnít worked well. Might be time for new strategies. In the meantime it might be good for you to work on detaching a bit for your own sanity and healing. Can you get back in IC?

LifeDestroyer posted 6/26/2020 10:34 AM

We haven't been able to do in office sessions, so we've been doing them online every other week. I will probably need to go back to every week.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/26/2020 12:59 PM

I want him to gain clarity on who he is. All he sees is the bad in himself. I told him last night that if he can't do it for himself, then he needs to do it for our daughter. Just like he keeps telling me that I need to become better for her, so does he. He needs to see himself as a good man for her.

My affair opened up all of these locked doors inside of him. He needs to figure out how to cope with the items inside. I want him to be able to see the good man that he is. While his past actions do make up part of who he is, it doesn't make up the whole. He used his past to change who he was and became better. I hope he can see that again soon.

hikingout posted 6/26/2020 15:55 PM

Me too. At the same time you have to recognize that he doesnít believe you. The detaching will allow him to gain clarity. As long as he feels responsible for you he is going to feel badly about himself. He feels like he is going to keep disappointing you and his remorse over hurting you is causing him to spiral. You canít fix that for him.And you need to detach so that you arenít responsible for him. It is my hope that through that the clarity will be to revisit what to do with your marriage but right at the moment I believe he is truly telling you what he needs. I am terribly sorry as I know that isnít what you want and you want to help him, but in this state you canít. Let things settle a bit.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/27/2020 09:32 AM

His friends came over to help him move. He wanted my daughter and I not to be there. I went into the bathroom and couldn't breathe. She was outside talking to his friends getting a donut. We just got to my dad's. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with anything.

nekonamida posted 6/27/2020 11:30 AM

LD, just breathe. One minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time. It may feel impossible right now but you will get through this.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/28/2020 11:46 AM

Yesterday, I asked my friend if she and her daughter could come over today. She's the teacher across the hall from me. She knew that we were separated and that I moved out. She doesn't know the whole story. I think I'm going to tell her it all today. I am afraid of what she will think, but I also don't want to lie anymore. I don't know. I just know that I really need a friend, and plus her daughter and mine are good friends. They can make a big mess in her new playroom.

I moved all of the toys that were in the living room into the guest room. Now there's this giant space out here. I weed whacker the garden and cleaned the house, and it's not even noon yet.

Last night was incredibly empty feeling.

Lalagirl posted 6/28/2020 15:38 PM

(((LD)))

Just hugs, sweetie. We're here for you.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/28/2020 20:50 PM

My friend was over for almost 6 hours. Our girls played with the chickens, played dress up, dolls, restaurant, went on the playground, and walked around the yard. They had a blast. She and I talked the whole time about school (we still have no clue what's going to happen when we go back), her house renovations, her life as a single mom.

I finally told her that I wanted to tell my story but that I was afraid she would judge me because of her past. Her ex husband was an abusive man and father, and he had multiple affairs on her. I told her that the reason we separated and are now divorcing is because I had an affair. I didn't go into detail about it, as I am still and will always worry about my job. She said that maybe one day N and I can be coparents who are also friends. She went on to talk about some friends she has who divorced, remarried and are all friends. She said to not give up hope on that for our daughter. Before she left she told me that I can always talk to her about it and that she would never pass judgement or tell anyone my story, that it's mine to tell.

I felt relieved after telling her. Usually when a woman hears that her friend is divorcing, we instantly go into "husband is to blame/asshole/your life will be so much better" mode. I didn't want her to assume that it was something he did and that I was innocent. Tomorrow we are going over to a co-workers house for a lunch get together with some other teacher friends.

I do really like all of the woman at this school. They all love hanging out together. When you're the new teacher at a school, you can easily tell when there are cliques, but not at this school. Everyone hangs out with everyone and makes you feel really welcomed.

hikingout posted 6/29/2020 08:33 AM

So glad to hear that you are building a support system! This is a good step for you! I am sorry this is a painful time for all of you. Having people to talk to will be very helpful.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/29/2020 08:49 AM

I just feel like a fraud. I think it was Zug who said that he came out and told everyone of what he did. I'm not saying I want to do that, but I can imagine the relief he may have felt. I've wanted to get on to our staff messenger chat and tell them that my husband moved out and we are getting a divorce, but then I didn't want to make them feel awkward/didn't want sympathy (always felt weird with that...whole vulnerable thing)/I didn't want them thinking it was something he did. Yes, I can easily just say that it was something that needed to happen, but that wouldn't be the whole truth. I would still feel like I'm lying. Whenever any of us get together or even just talk, I'm stuck in my head the whole time.

N has said before that he never asked me to tell people and that it was honestly none of their business. He said he didn't want me to wear the scarlet A, but I kind of feel like I have to. It's not that I want the negative stares and judgement that come with it, I just feel like a fraud.

Did any of you feel that way? What did you do?

hikingout posted 6/29/2020 09:30 AM

I honestly never felt like it was anyone elses business. But, we never revealed our separation. The only people I felt that way about was our grown children, but he didn't want them to know at the time. We have since talked about discussing it with them now that things are more settled. He initially just didn't want to burden them and things were so undecided he felt they might worry. We have talked about possibly telling them it happened, sharing what we have learned. I am leaving that up to him. He feels the girls really rely on me for a lot of things and doesn't want to impede that. Not for my sake, but for theirs.

But, these people at your daughter's school or other peopled you are not close to? They do not really need the information. I think you are looking for another way to punish yourself, which in all reality people divorce all the time and noone really is studying it the way you might think they are.

Leave it be. You don't want your daughter's friends growing up with her always thinking about the fact you cheated. In many ways, if someone revealed that in our office setting or in a school group setting, I would think it was unprofessional and would be uncomfortable receiving that information. Just my two cents. You and N's marriage is your private business, as is your divorce. I don't think I have ever assumed it was the male's fault because an couple I was an acquaintance of divorced. This is your own guilt spilling over.

I still think having some new friends is a step towards becoming self-actualized and I am in support of you getting some support through friendship.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/29/2020 09:35 AM

I really don't want people knowing. I just have to figure out a way I guess to not feel like I'm lying.

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