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An update on N and I

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Newlifeisgreat posted 5/1/2020 21:28 PM

Iím sorry to read this about N.

Is he back to seeing a counselor?

LifeDestroyer posted 5/1/2020 21:31 PM

No, he isn't seeing her anymore and isn't talking to anyone.

redwing6 posted 5/9/2020 14:53 PM

LD, BH here. I think you have to understand that your marriage is destroyed. Let it end. At this point, I don't think you have any other choice.

That being said, you CAN build a new relationship...and perhaps a new marriage. But you have to understand that it won't be like your "old" one at all. That will take work. Right now, your BH is in limbo. He's struggling with the destruction you've voluntarily wrought on his life. That's very hard to get over. He may someday, but right now, he's simply trying to get through each day...

I think you need to let him go. Then build yourself into the person he thought you were. Not the pedestal princess, but the woman he loved and admired. It may work and you'll start new, it may not and you'll end up with someone else...but you have to focus on yourself and let him heal himself. Your continually trying to force him onto the track YOU want will have the effect of driving him away, forever.

Just my $0.02. I wish you well.

LifeDestroyer posted 5/10/2020 12:11 PM

I'm not forcing him onto any track. I know our marriage is destroyed and over. I'm not going to push him out. All I'm doing is waiting. I'm taking care of the house and our daughter.

Newlifeisgreat posted 5/10/2020 20:23 PM

Iím sorry for you, your daughter, and especially your husband.

You know that Iíve been a cheerleader for you, but if the end is near then maybe all you can do is accept it.

You are still young and although you may doubt it now, there will be other lovers. Use and learn from this experience so that you will not do this to another person you love. Continue to see your therapist

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 8:24 PM, May 10th (Sunday)]

thatbpguy posted 5/11/2020 08:56 AM

LD, for what it may be worth, I was in the exact same spot your husband is in now when my WW returned after leaving for Mr. Moneybags. I was deeply depressed, actually liked being alone (I could think and process things better...) and we had our sweet dd as well that I lived for. Fortunately some co-workers helped me find a path out of my darkness (well, they actually threatened me or they'd take cation). In time I started to regain my mind and realized I wanted to try and work our marriage out. Although my xWW couldn't find her margins, my point is that until it is well over, don't give up the fight. I would encourage you to find a way for him to go and see someone- his PCP or anyone. If he can break his cycle of depression he will be able to think more clearly and the two of you can make decisions together. As has been stated before, fight for him. Presume he will be there forever. make plans with him being around.... Be his shining light.

LifeDestroyer posted 5/11/2020 16:42 PM

I'm not giving up.

emergent8 posted 5/11/2020 16:54 PM

Not giving up on staying together or on helping/encouraging him to heal?

LifeDestroyer posted 5/11/2020 16:57 PM

On both, but I can't make him do anything. I can't make him talk to someone. I do ask if he is talking to anyone, but he has said no the last times.

LifeDestroyer posted 5/11/2020 18:57 PM

All week I had been wondering what Mother's Day was going to be like. Was he going to say anything? Was he going to take our daughter to get something or help her make something?

She came into my bed late that night. He shut my door sometime in the morning so the dogs wouldn't wake me. My daughter didn't remember that it was mother's day, so I didn't wake up to anything. I was upset, but more so at myself. Once he woke up, he went over to her and whispered her to give me a hug and wish me a happy mother's day. She did and the shame/sadness/anger just increased. She asked him if she could make me breakfast in bed, but he told her no since I was already awake. He told her to make me something later. I knew I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, so I went into my bathroom and let them out. He could tell something was wrong, but we didn't speak. He ran out to return something.

When he returned, he said "you looked like you needed this" and showed me a bottle of wine he got me. I couldn't believe he picked a bottle up for me. He also got me sushi, which he knows I love. I thanked him for getting all of that. We all went outside. He mowed and she and I went on a hunt for rocks to dig up for the garden. We then practiced some yoga poses. She nailed the Crow pose!

Later that night, we watched a movie and he asked if I wanted to scratch his head. While doing that, he asked what was wrong earlier. I told him that I was sad because that wasn't what mother's day should have been. He said that I may have been a shitty wife, but I was a good mom.

pinkpggy posted 5/11/2020 19:36 PM

That is a good update. I also know it's hard to look at yourself as a good mom after what we put our families through. This Mothers Day was the 4th since dday and the first one my husband has acknowledged since then. It's a very long road to reconciliation. You will have many more disappointed crying bathroom momentsbut progress is progress. Relish in those easy happy moments when you can!

Justsomelady posted 5/11/2020 23:02 PM

He said that I may have been a shitty wife, but I was a good mom.

He is the same as it sounds like he ever was. Your back to your old pre-a dynamic.

LifeDestroyer posted 5/13/2020 09:05 AM

He is the same as it sounds like he ever was. Your back to your old pre-a dynamic.

How? During the affair, I was a shitty wife and mom. That is a true statement for all of us. How is what he said wrong? You were a shitty wife during your affair. JohnDoe was a shitty husband during his affair. We were all shitty people. He did not say "you are a shitty wife." He used past tense.

I'm not back to my pre-a dynamic. I'm trying to navigate through a minefield, that I designed, blindfolded. Now, my husband is trying to navigate that same minefield while being blinfolded, wearing earplugs, with his arms and legs tied behind his back.

Post A isn't just a rollercoaster. It's a rollercoaster that sits on top of ground that experiences earthquakes every other day while being hounded by a monsoon and has to withstand a tornado. Rollercoasters are fun and exhilarating. There is nothing fun or exhilarating about watching the person you love go through this, knowing full well you did this to them.

So no, we're not back to anything. We're both trying to survive right now. There's no step-by-step guide and no one shoe fits.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 9:05 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Justsomelady posted 5/13/2020 12:32 PM

I will try to clarify my unpopular opinion. I mean pre-A that i recall him and you mentioning he was emotionally abusive to you. The way he speaks to you isnít anything new. I know my H would never tell me I am or was shitty. He does not name call or use emotionally abusive language, ever. Even when heís mad. To me it just made me shrug and say ďsame as it ever wasĒ. Even when doing something nice for you he has to get a dig into you - and that didnít sound new to me.

Anyway, I think this is what N does, I think he says things to you that take you down a peg or make you feel uncertain/insecure -And always has. Thatís what I gleaned in his thread way back and what it sounds like form yours later on too. Maybe Iím missing something but to me it sounds like. Itís nothing new. Youíve always been in the ďdownĒ position trying to get back up. And to get him to show you affection. He even noted how you looked almost relieved when he hit your AP because it sort of ďprovedĒ in a messed up way that he actually loved you - and you werenít really sure he did.

Backing up, pre A rather than take back your worth and clearly address problems w Neanderthal, you self sabotaged with your own A, and tried to also find validation through your A. Partly because you never addressed or healed from his sexual and emotional abuse of you In hisA(s?) or whatever we call that period. And I truly believe he was sexually abusive of you. It is disgusting to think of how he was to you. It messed you up, clearly. His behavior disgusts me so much more than yours, despite yours being also reprehensible. Perhaps it is equal, and my perception is skewed - but I do not think yours is worse, at least.

You are always striving for the affection of this very often emotionally unavailable and quick-to-anger person you love Who you hurt and who has hurt you. He started you down this destructive path years ago with his abuse and infidelity and now your own full fledged A has helped refocus you as the person grasping for his love and validation again - and now his forgiveness too - where youíre both more comfortable having you. I feel youíre always striving for affection and affirmation of his love, for demonstrativeness.

It just all seems like more of the same to me. It has always been a lopsided and unhealthy relationship and isnít anything new? It also doesnít seem much better to me.

Not sure if Iím hitting the mark or explaining- but based on what youíve both said here this is what I have gleaned about your relationship.

I think half of Nís current depression isnít just healing from what you did, it is him recognizing and healing from what he did, too.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 12:43 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

KingRat posted 5/19/2020 14:07 PM

How have you guys been? Have you worked on boundaries like your IC recommended? Are you taking active steps to open communication and begin the process of rebuilding?

Lifeitself posted 5/23/2020 05:29 AM

How are you guys getting on LD?

Unsure2019 posted 6/2/2020 10:05 AM

Hi LD,

Been thinking about you and N lately. Hope you are both making some progress towards R these past few weeks. Let us know when you can, thereís a lot of folks here pulling for you both.

LifeDestroyer posted 6/18/2020 18:26 PM

He finished filling out the divorce papers and just put a deposit down on an apartment.

Lostgirl410 posted 6/18/2020 19:00 PM

How are you holding up?

LifeDestroyer posted 6/18/2020 19:08 PM

I want to curl up into a ball and cry.

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