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I had an ons and now I don't know what to do.

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Ebwhy posted 2/21/2020 21:46 PM

A few days ago i had to go on a business trip and on the last day there was a party at the hotel and i ended up having an ONS with a stranger, i don't know what to do my husband has been traveling for over a month and he comes back on Monday, I tried to look for help but this is not easy to find, I joined a Sub on Reddit but most encouraged it, some told me to be quiet and not tell but honestly I don't think I can keep a secret from it, someone suggested it here so please if anyone can help and thank you.

I don't know if you need data so I'm going to.
me (F35)
husband (M35)
we have a 10 year old daughter.

BraveSirRobin posted 2/21/2020 22:41 PM

Please don't try to keep it a secret. You've fucked up royally, but you have an opportunity to not to fuck up even worse. Over and over, we hear from BS (Betrayed Spouses) that lies, gaslighting and "trickle truth" (gradually admitting to more details of the affair) are what really killed the marriage. And most WS (Wayward Spouses) don't hear this, or don't accept it, until it's too late.

So here's what you do.

1. Accept that you can't fix this. There is no magic formula that will make it ok or turn back the clock. You can and will hope for forgiveness, but there are no guarantees. If he's going to get to a place where he can even think of reconciling with you, you and he have to be thinking ONLY of how to start him on the path of healing. And as with surgery, sometimes you have to make things hurt a lot worse in the short term in order to make them better in the long term.

2. Tell the complete and absolute truth. Write down every detail you can remember about how this happened, what you thought, said, and did. Some WS make two timelines, an R rated and an X-rated, and ask their BS which one they want to read. There are BS who need to know every last detail, while others only want the general idea. Either way, DO NOT LIE. DO NOT MINIMIZE. DO NOT OMIT. Do not say you didn't orgasm if you did. Do not say it was only once if it wasn't. Do not deny acts or positions. Every lie you tell is one you will have to take back later, and then he will trust you even less than he does now. Bear in mind that you may eventually be asked to take a lie detector test, so you have to be able to pass that with flying colors.

3. Do not make excuses or shift the blame to him. Don't tell him you did it because your marriage was cold, you were arguing, or any other way in which your marriage has had issues. If it had issues, it was on you to tell him what you needed or to file for divorce. There is no marital issue that justifies cheating. You probably have no idea why you did it; that's going to take therapy to unpack. But you did not do it because of him, or even because of the other guy. You did it because of things that are broken in you.

4. Be prepared for him to react in volatile ways. Mild mannered people can totally lose their shit when they hear news like this. Your daughter should not be home when you break the news. You should have a plan in place for where else you can go if he's not able to be in your presence.

I know this is all very scary, but let me reiterate: most WS have already broken every rule I just laid out before they even got here. You can't avoid being a WS now, but you can be a model WS going forward. Download a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair." Read the Healing Library (see menu on upper left corner of this page). Google the SI post "What Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know." And then please, please, please, TAKE THE ADVICE. Don't be another soon-to-be-ex-spouse who posts here crying that they wish they had listened before it was too late.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 10:44 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

WontBeFooledAgai posted 2/21/2020 23:18 PM


It is the kindest thing you can do for him . And really, the only way past this is through this.

Meanwhile you should really seek out your Why's. This was not 'an accident' nor was it just a mistake. You knew what you were doing from the moment you started talking and flirting with the other man.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:20 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Zugzwang posted 2/22/2020 08:52 AM

Have you been having an emotional affair with anyone else? Flirting, teasing, talking, sharing with anyone else lately?

survrus posted 2/22/2020 10:57 AM


For health reasons alone you HAVE to tell him, you can't have sex with your H until you have waited 3 to 6 months for the incubation period of HPV. You would be putting your Hs life at risk.

HPV can cause oral cancers even from kissing. Refer to the CDC website or do a google search

Not to mention HIV, syphilis, chlamydia etc.

It will be difficult for your H to believe you don't know who the OM is, and also more of a health risk since you can't also have the OM tested.

Ebwhy posted 2/22/2020 13:43 PM

Okay, I don't blame anyone but myself and I agree to tell him, honestly I think I would never be able to keep this secret, it doesn't get out of my head, now tell everything that happened? even the sex part? won't it get even worse?

the question of why is also the problem, I donít know how to explain it, it started with a normal conversation, somehow I saw his flirtations innocently until it reached a point where every time he made a move I tried to diminish telling myself it was no big deal, when he asked me to go to his room i knew what was going to happen i just don't understand why i didn't stop. I just realized the shit I had done when I woke up the other day and that's when the despair came.

Have you been having an emotional affair with anyone else? Flirting, teasing, talking, sharing with anyone else lately?

nothing like that, I will not deny that I like to receive attention but I always stopped.

you can't have sex with your H

we havenít had sex in over a year, now I don't think he want to start.
I don't blame him at all and what I did was my choice but it's hard to see that my husband pays more attention to porn than his wife, I kept thinking at night and realized that our marriage is more broken than I am thought and now I finish breaking, I just hope to do the right thing.

Zugzwang posted 2/23/2020 18:19 PM

won't it get even worse?

YEs, though don't you think he has the right to make an informed decision about his life and you? As opposed to you keeping this lie and manipulating him thus keeping him like a caged bird? I doubt you can live with being that type of person. There will never be real intimacy or a real marriage.

i knew what was going to happen i just don't understand why i didn't stop.
Because you wanted it. You flirted and didn't stop it. You wanted and liked the attention. If you can't at least admit that much to yourself, then you will not go very far in healing and changing.

Have you done this type of talking and flirting with anyone else and didn't stop? Why did you need that attention? You are a married woman.

BraveSirRobin posted 2/23/2020 20:57 PM

won't it get even worse?
Yes, in the very immediate future. But also no, because he'll only get hit one time.

Imagine that you were the victim of a stabbing. The pain was agonizing. The knife went deep and nicked your vital organs. You went through surgery and rehab, your scar started to heal over, you finally tried walking at night again, despite your terror of someone jumping out to attack you.

And then, it happens again.

Another stab, this one deeper. More surgery. More rehab. Same pain you had before, in a different place, while the old wound is still healing.

Repeat this cycle again. Maybe this stab just grazes you, or maybe it's the deepest cut of all. By now you're not only physically brutalized, you're also a basket case, afraid to leave the house.

If you were given the choice to have this happen, or to undergo just one attack with multiple stab wounds, which would you choose? Constant unexpected traumas, or a single brutal event and recovery? For BS here, the answer is resounding: one terrible disclosure is far better than being hit again and again.

Remember, you're getting advice from people who have been through this. I was a master of trickle truth. I don't hold the all time record, but I went 29 years between D-Days for the same affair. I focused on all the things I did right on D-Day 1 and made all kinds of excuses to myself for the things I left out. Those excuses meant nothing to my BH. My lies meant he got stabbed over and over and over, and it was no less agonizing, despite the passage of time. In some ways, it was worse, because I took his forgiveness and used it to continue to deceive him.

Get it all out. If there's anything else sketchy you've done before this, get that out, too. You may be thinking there's stuff you'll take to your grave, but if you want to save your marriage, that will not work. I've been there, and I know.

Brew3x posted 2/23/2020 21:46 PM

BS here and I agree that lies and trickle Truth are what are killing me, I would just rip off the bandaid. I wish my WW only had a ONS and told the truth.

RealityBlows posted 2/23/2020 22:23 PM

After you inform your husband and follow all the excellent advice you have received so far, stop and ask yourself, do I love this man...am I willing to fight for this marriage? If you answer yes, know that you are about to engage in an epic battle of patience and determination. If you both decide to reconcile know that its going to take years. If you truly love the man and want to fix this betrayal, the damage, the trauma, the trust, know that youíre going to have to do the heavy lifting. Youíre preaffair grievances are now going to have to take a back seat for a while. Your efforts will have to be unconditional and without any other agenda than to help your spouse overcome the trauma. They say it takes 5 good years to rebuild trust. Good years that start from day one, that starts with forthright honesty and truth. No minimizations. No trickle truths. No rug sweeping. No blame shifting. The sort of revelation that comes from healthy and honest introspection, true remorse, integrity and maturity.

Pretend your husband is your 10 year old who is injured-gravely, by you, and you will move heaven and earth to fix this. Treat him like you would your injured child with absolute determination and loving patience and empathy.

Fix him first, then you, then the marriage. Fix what you broke first. Then fix what broke it. Then fix what you two wish to share from that point forward whether itís an amicable and humane divorce with excellent coparenting and better coping skills that can be used in future relationships or, an overhaul of the existing marriage with new beginnings.

Thumos posted 2/24/2020 17:17 PM

BH here. No stop sign.

Lying or covering it up will only make it fester. Your relationship with your husband is permanently altered, and he will know something is wrong. Give him the agency and freedom of the truth, rather than trying to take away his free will and keep him in the dark.

If someone has been telling you "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" that person is not a friend. They are an enemy.

You should read this article and absorb every single word of it as true: https://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp

Then you should read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald and be willing to implement everything she says.

If you can't or won't do these things, then please let him go. Only full transparency and true empathy can win the day if you really want to reconcile. Short of that, you're wasting your time and his time.

Thumos posted 2/24/2020 17:25 PM

I will not deny that I like to receive attention but I always stopped.

Can you explain this a bit more? This is one of those vague statements that has potentially many layers of troubling information beneath it.

What does it mean "I always stopped"? Did you engage in deep kissing with other men as a married woman, touching, physical intimacy you defined as "always stopping" before consummation? Did you encourage flirting and male attention? Did you text other men inappropriately?

I'm not actually looking for direct answers here, and your life is your business. But you came here. And you'll find most of the people on this forum whether they are betrayeds or waywards, have finely tuned bullshit meters. So you get where I'm going with this. I'm not saying you're bullshitting us, so please don't take it that way.

But statements like the above are known as "elisions" where you're leaving out something rather crucial because -- perhaps? -- as you were typing it you realized there was some ugly truth you didn't want to own yet.

Elisions are a common wayward tell.

Is that the case?

P.S. I'm also asking bc recently on the JFO forum, we saw a case of a WW telling her WH that she "stopped" short of having sex, but was sitting topless with the OM in his apartment. Obviously that's a lie, but somehow the WW thought it was better to minimize her behavior and sell it to her WH as she just sat with her breasts out but didn't *actually* have PIV sex with the OM. Minimization of past behavior is common. I'm wondering because you went straight to a ONS with a stranger if there wasn't a lot of boundary pushing in advance of that which allowed you to have a "comfort zone" leading up to the ONS in the stranger's hotel room.

I only thought about this recently but in the years leading up to my WW's affair, she told me about a married female co-worker of hers who had gone home with a stranger she met at the gym and "fooled around." My WW and other female co-workers didn't approve of it, but they didn't exactly disapprove either. And it was clear they all found it titillating to talk about. On reflection, I've heard my WW and other women of her age and means use the phrase "fool around" as a euphemism to describe sexual activity short of PIV sex. This is a great example of minimization and wayward thinking.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:36 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

brokenInDenver posted 2/24/2020 18:40 PM

BH here, I hope its OK I post.

One of the things that hurt me the most regarding my wife's A was the fact that she lied to me. That and she didn't seem to have remorse because she kept sleeping with her AP over and over. You have more integrity it sounds like. You have both an inability to lie to your husband and remorse over what you did. I can't say whether your husband will want to R or not... but I can only imagine he would rather not be lied to.

Zugzwang posted 2/25/2020 06:28 AM

Fix him first, then you, then the marriage. Fix what you broke first. Then fix what broke it.

I am going to elaborate on this. Fixing him means being honest, accountable, transparent, and not causing further harm by TT, defensiveness, and breaking NC. You really can't fix him. He has to choose to heal on his own.

YOU go first though...simply because the reality is you are selfish. A selfish person can't fix themselves at this point let alone anyone else. Is it fair to him? Hell no. Though that injustice doesn't change the truth and doesn't change what makes logical sense. The whole put the oxygen mask on so you can help sort of thing. He will need a ton from you, you have to fix you so you can help. A selfish person isn't going to be able to provide the empathy and intimacy he needs till you begin to fix you and stop being so entitled and selfish. You are lost and drowning. You can't fix what you broke till you fix you. That is why we advice IC before MC. I mean really, what can you do when you don't even know how to be healthy yourself?

fooled13years posted 2/25/2020 07:18 AM

Have you considered having tests done to see if any STIs have been contracted?

If protection was used that is a good thing but there are other ways in which bodily fluids are transferred.

By your description there are many issues between you and your BH that need to be addressed.

If you are not seeing a professional for these issues you might consider establishing appointments for both of you individually.

Should your BH decide not to seek professional help, that does not preclude you from seeking help.

WalkingHome posted 2/25/2020 10:48 AM

If you want a future...tell the full truth. Bad news doesn't get better with age and he has a right to informed consent...

Informed Consent is him deciding to be with you based on full truth...sexually, physically, financially.

To to otherwise is akin to rape. If he knew the truth, would he be with you? He has the right to decide...and to decide based on truth.

Tell him now.

Thumos posted 2/27/2020 09:29 AM

Several STD/STI's can lay dormant in an infected person without them knowing it. HPV for example can be passed even when an infected person has no signs or symptoms, and it only takes one time to become infected. You can also develop symptoms years after you have sex with someone who is infected.

Also, HPV can cause lung nodules. Very significant health risk.

So yes, please get a full STD/STI panel (including pap smear) -- but even that's not enough. Your husband will need to get tested too.

Which means you will need to tell him. Waiting will only put him further at risk to his physical health, when he could be getting treatment if you've passed something on to him.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:32 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Morris45 posted 2/28/2020 20:06 PM

By all means tell him! No matter how painful it is tell him everything. If he asks for gory details be honest and tell it all.
I am almost twice your age and fighting with all I have to save a 45+ year marriage.
I had a ONS seven years into our marriage during a separation. Long story story short, when we got back together my wife asked me if I had been with anyone and l lied to her face. I waited 38 years to tell my wife and that I Lied and left out things for another nine months.
I didnít realize that by not telling her I took her choices from her. She now feels like everything sense we got back together has been a lie. She feels everything good in our lives has been tainted by my lies. Even the birth of our second child.
Now Iím fighting for my life and hers. I listen to her tell me how desperately she wants to die to stop the pain.
The pain of seeing your BS will be hard to deal with knowing you caused it but it will never come close to the actual pain they feel.
I have tears streaming down my face as I write this but I will never cry as many as she has.
I wish you all the best and Iím praying that it works out for all of you.

sisoon posted 2/29/2020 17:05 PM

How do you feel about an H who chooses porn over you? That doesn't sound like a healthy way for either of you to live.

Just in case this is relevant, if you want to D, there's no need to tell him. If you want to R, you have to come clean. Both R and M are based on honesty. Holding something like this in is lying by omission.

Confession may end in his choosing to D, but it's a prereq to R.

I'm n the school of thought that believes you can heal or fix your H. He heals himself. You heal yourself. Together you both heal your M.

I also believe a WS is an equal partner in defining an R & an M that serves you both. You cheated, and you bear the consequences. If you want your R to be different from your pre-A marriage, the time to request it is when - if - you both choose R.

I don't mean saying, 'I was angry because you choose porn over me.' I mean saying something like, 'If we R, we need to have sex together. You have to choose me over porn.' If he won't agree, a good R is probably impossible. If he requires something you won't do, R won't work, either.

Whether you D or R, your best bet is to change yourself from betrayer to good partner, if not for your H, then for your next partner.

I wish you the best of luck. You can do this.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:06 PM, February 29th (Saturday)]

Walkingthewire posted 3/1/2020 12:52 PM

BS here
Tell the truth, the whole truth. If he wants the sexual details he will ask for them.
I didn't want the dirty details. And still don't. Others do.

The best and really only option for you to do is come clean completely. Lay all the truth out. Do not lie/omit or it will only make it worse.
There is no easy way to tell your spouse that you broke your marriage vows. You have to take complete ownership for this. Whether he has a porn problem is irrelevant now. There's other ways to deal with that issue. That is not an excuse for your behavior.

If you want any kind of hope that he will attempt R and maybe trust you again. Tell the complete truth.

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