Feelinglikethat posted 2/11/2020 15:19 PM

My BS is feeling suicidal due to what I did. He was on antidepressants for a few months but since has come off of them with help of his counselor. Im not really sure what to do to help him. I know it takes time to heal from the trauma that I put him through, but I’m so lost. I would appreciate input from WS and BS for help with this. I want us to get better and heal our marriage.

WilliamM posted 2/11/2020 15:33 PM

Is he still in counseling? Hopefully he did not stop counseling when he stopped taking his medication. He needs to ask to be placed back on his meds. What is happening with his recovery and healing? What has he done to help himself heal? What have you done so far to help him have a save environment to heal? Do you two talk about the affair?

hikingout posted 2/11/2020 15:40 PM

If he is feeling suicidal you need to get him somewhere. Call the suicide prevention line and get information from them if you need to. This is something you can not handle on your own.

Feelinglikethat posted 2/11/2020 15:50 PM

He doesn’t have a plan or anything right now and he said he wont because of our child. Its really hard. He says the pain is just so hard which I know I cant even imagine it.

During the beginning when I was in the ‘fog’ I think its called, I did wrongly try to defend myself and try to discuss all the things that I disliked in our years together. I know now looking back that was wrong and only hurt him more. I am trying to learn how to deal with this with humility and grace. I made so many mistakes along the way.

Have any BSs here survived the trauma and the desire of suicide and made it to R?

hikingout posted 2/11/2020 15:56 PM

Have any BSs here survived the trauma and the desire of suicide and made it to R?

I am sorry, but are you saying your concern right now is whether or not he will/can R with you? If there was ever a time to let go of the outcome and really just be there for him it would be now. Do not think about what this means for you right now. The outcome could not be any worse than someone committing suicide. Anything else, however it lands will be much better than that.

Feelinglikethat posted 2/11/2020 15:59 PM

Im sorry. That did come off as being my only concern and it definitely is not.
I guess Im just lost on how to help him. Im scared and I was just looking for some hope from someone who might have been there before. I dont care if the outcome is reconciliation with me or not. i just want him to get through by whatever means necessary.

DaddyDom posted 2/11/2020 17:06 PM

Please make sure that your family doctor (not just the counselor) is aware of the change in meds. Coming off of depression/anxiety meds is something that a doctor will likely want to monitor closely, as the symptoms might return or even get worse. Or maybe different meds are needed? Only a doctor can determine that.

I would also suggest that you make a list of phone numbers and local resources (support groups and such) where he can call or go to if the depression really overtakes him.

Feelinglikethat posted 2/11/2020 17:28 PM

I feel so bad for what Ive done to destroy another human, someone that I swore my life and my loyalty to. I ruined him and now I dont know how to save him. We only get one life and how awful of me to take that joy of living from him.

Thank god for our child for giving him a reason to live.

Thank you guys for your responses. Hes been off the medication for a little while. He doesnt feel therapy or medicines will help at this point because they dont change the reality.

Sanibelredfish posted 2/11/2020 17:55 PM

Of course he’s right that counseling won’t change reality, but that’s not what it is supposed to do. The goal of therapy is to give him the tools to cope with his reality. Perhaps if you frame it like that he will be more receptive.

DigitalSpyder posted 2/11/2020 18:21 PM

He needs help, psych help, and its help you probably can't provide him. Get him to a mental health provider, his family health provider, or something along those lines. He'll resist, but its safer to get him there, then to not do so. You may need to force the issue, and I hate that it can come to that. But if you don't, the results of not doing so will impact him, you, and anyone else that cares about him dearly.

If he is suicidal get him help. It best not to take chances.

Feelinglikethat posted 2/11/2020 19:45 PM

Thank you guys. I will try to convince him to get back in therapy again. After talking some more, he doesn’t have a plan or want to take it upon himself to end his life. Its more of the overwhelming feelings of wishing he didnt exist. He said he wouldn’t take active steps because of his love for our child. I was a bit scared and desperate for help when I posted the original message.

I am trying to be strong and support him and give him hope for the future. Do any BSs have advice on what kind of support he needs from me? He has told me that it is too late for me to fix anything or make anything better for the future. I want to help him even if it means that not being with me is the thing he needs. I dont think even that would help because the damage is done. I guess Im kind of lost.

gmc94 posted 2/11/2020 20:28 PM

BW here. I spent a LOT of time on the suicide hotline and websites for months after dday. I still have moments where I struggle. FWIW, I do not consider my WH and I to be "in R", as he has not shown himself to be "R material".

Everyone is different, but there are things that I would have loved to have seen from my WH.

First would be that he take a PROACTIVE role in healing and recovery. That can mean a bunch of things, but for me it would have been communicating his thoughts, getting over his conflict avoidance, talking about the A, and no more lies (as we begin year three of this shitshow, he is still conflict avoidant [tho there is slight progress in the last few months], still doesn't communicate [again SLIGHT progress only recently] and last time I caught him in a lie was, I think, over a year ago, BUT I can't say he's stopped as I stopped snooping to check [I guess I just decided that it wasn't worth my energy to continue to expect honesty or check up on him, so I kind of assume that he's lying most of the time, which is NOT a good thing])

Triggers are a bitch. Learning what may trigger him and asking what you can do in those moments can help. Maybe not, but it's worth the discussion (and bonus! If you bring it up during a calm moment, you are bringing up the A).

Learning about apologies - esp those from How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. SPECIFIC apologies for SPECIFIC actions and the SPECIFIC consequences. Just saying "I'm sorry you hurt" is not enough. The words you use MATTER.

Learn about trauma - for both of you. If your BS is suicidal, I'd say learning about trauma generally, and relational betrayal trauma specifically is pretty important.
I HIGHLY recommend the body keeps the score by Bassel Van Der Kolk. It's a long book. It has nothing to do with infidelity. It will help you understand what trauma is, how our lizard brains go on high alert, etc.
For infidelity specific trauma, I'd listen to the Marnie Breecker and Duane Osterlind podcasts. There is a 2-part interview with Breecker on the Addicted Mind (you can google it). Then the two of them started Helping Couples Heal last year. They have several episodes (about 30 min each) that I have found helpful. At a minimum, just listening to the Addicted Mind stuff (2 episodes, I think about 45 min each) will help you realize just how deep this trauma and hurt are.

FIND EMPATHY. Read about it. Brene Brown has some great stuff on this front. I recently listened to an older audio recording of a series of 6 (I think) lectures, it's called The Power of Vulnerability (from Sounds True). I got it via my library on Hoopla. I've found it to be the best audio from her that I've come across, as she really lays it all out (shame, vulnerability, numbing, authenticity, etc and then the last episode or two are recaps. She has great data and an easy to listen to style).

I loved Resilience by Rick Hanson (on audiobook, which I also got for free from the library). His HEAL steps have been life changing for me (and I do attribute it as a major factor for me still living on this planet). Those steps can help BOTH of you learn resilience when dealing with the rollercoaster.

I gotta run, but will try and come back later to add to this.

Feelinglikethat posted 2/21/2020 08:08 AM

Gmc94 thank you so much for your response. I have been listening to and been searching for some of the books you mentioned. I appreciate hearing from a BS on how to manage and help get through these situations.

brokenInDenver posted 2/21/2020 12:25 PM

I am a BS and I admit I felt suicidal after D-Day. I bought a gun, had a plan for when and where I was going to do it even. I still think about it sometimes but I feel MUCH more stable than I did months ago. My IC helped me a lot and so I echo the thoughts of many here that you should do what you can to get him back into counseling and maybe back on the antidepressants. My WW helped a lot as well. She showed me no end of love and patience. She also reminded me gently that my family would be devastated forever if I went through with my plan. She told me that I would hurt all of them like she had hurt me... again gently. That scared me a little. I kept thinking of how my dad would react when he got the news... or my daughter. My WW told me that she would be devastated as well but that wasn't as persuasive an argument really since she was the cause of my trauma. I guess just don't be dismissive and call suicide prevention hotline and get their advice ASAP. They are very compassionate and know how to handle this. Don't delay.

Zugzwang posted 2/21/2020 15:23 PM

My sister-in-law killed herself. She didn't talk about it. She never hinted she wished she was dead. She obviously never talked about a plan either. Just saying. Just because he has no plan...doesn't mean it is safe. Those that want to do it, just do. Call the hotline or get him admitted. Suicide isn't a joking matter. If he isn't serious, then the whole better safe than sorry thing will keep him from spouting it off next time. No matter, there are people that admit themselves just for feeling extremely depressed. My mother-in-law was manic depressive and bipolar. She admitted herself at least three times before she dies since I have known my wife.

crazyblindsided posted 2/21/2020 16:25 PM

I attempted suicide after D-Day2. Why is he going off the meds? I also think he should be on them and working on himself and his suicide ideation in therapy. Have him look into an in-patient treatment or out-patient treatment program. This helped me so much!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:25 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

StillLivin posted 2/21/2020 16:46 PM

Other than being there for him, encouraging him to get back on meds and therapy, and ensuring any guns in the house are locked away in a safe place that he can't get to (for now), there isn't much more you can do because you're the person who did this to him. Does he have any family or close friends he can go hang out with to get away from the reminders for a few days? That might give him some relief for a short time so he can gain perspective.
He will have to go through the pain to get to the other side of it, and not much can lessen that pain for a while.

Zugzwang posted 2/23/2020 18:27 PM

Is everything ok?

RealityBlows posted 2/23/2020 19:58 PM

Hey there, BS here. In addition to the obvious (counseling), l want to give you some insights from the BS perspective that may help. Great stuff coming your way already from previous posters.

Nursing your BS. It’s intensive critical care nursing. It’s going to be a battle. You’re going to have to be VERY patient. Lovingly patient. I loved it when my WS would get very dramatic about her level of commitment. Her proclamations to never, ever give up, to fight for us and do whatever it takes. No conditions, only absolute determination and resolve. “We will get through this...I will fix this...I will never give up” followed by action. This was pure salve for the broken heart.

The pain from an affair, the heart break, the betrayal is so incredible, it really takes a dramatic, romantic, unflinching effort that transcends the wrongs. Your efforts to save your spouse must transcend the damage caused.

This may sound absolutely daunting but, it’s possible. Parents often draw deep from an incredible maternal-paternal well of loving resolve when children are on life support. The love for a child is usually the purest most unconditional form of love. These parents draw their strength from this love and perform amazing feats of determination during their life saving campaigns. I work in an ICU, I’ve seen this. It motivates and inspires all that are involved in the care.

You’re BS is on life support. Your marriage is dying. Only you can save them. Counselors can help but, it really comes down to you.

Use dramatic and absolute terms. “I was wrong...I will fix this...You are not to blame...this is my fault I will be taking full responsibility...I absolutely love you, more than anything...I will never give up...you are my true love... I don’t ever want anyone else...I will prove this to you even if it takes a lifetime”

Make sure it’s not just lip service.

Then touch him-frequently. Be affectionate. Hold him. Touch is extremely powerful in defusing anger.

Listen, listen patiently.

Be proactive. Ask him how he’s doing. Anything he needs to talk about.

Be honest. Be selflessly honest.

Don’t worry about outcomes. You are not here for you or the marriage, you’re here for him. Even if it results in D, you don’t care, you only care about him, unconditional love with no agenda other than to save him.

I know this all seems like unrealistic martyrdom but it’s really what it takes, and you can do it without losing yourself. It’s actually very enriching and cathartic and, if done properly, can heal your BS and lay down the foundation of something potentially greater than what preceded it.

If you’re not up to this level of effort, not able to dig deep, it maybe time to reassess your situation.

RealityBlows posted 2/23/2020 19:58 PM

Double Post

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:59 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]