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Hurting again

January2222 posted 2/11/2020 06:54 AM

I haven't been here in a while. I have been getting help about situation. I keep going back and forth on whether to leave my husband.

He never told me he had an affair but constantly has tears in his eyes when I accuse him of it. I thought he broke it off but say that he's been snapchatting and denies it. I saw it on the computer.

I believe hed been seeing her before work and then stays late for "overtime ".
Sometimes in the early morning I'll text and he says he doesn't have his phone on it's in another room at work. I'm heartbroken and also sick to my stomach over them

Any support..

Dorothy123 posted 2/11/2020 07:35 AM


I'm so sorry that you are struggling.

It breaks my heart that you are between a rock and a hard place.

Sending hugs, compassion and empathy.

sorryforeverythi posted 2/11/2020 07:54 AM

Hi January,
I am so sorry you are feeling that way. I think your body is telling you that something is going on.

You aren't happy and it seems that you don't really trust him.

If you don't trust someone you shouldn't be with them, it's that simple.

You can go through his phone, you can get software to retrieve deleted messages, you can spend time and energy trying to prove or disprove whatever he is doing but really you just don't trust him.

I feel like you know what you should do but you are looking for validation. I don't know your full story but I know what it is to not trust someone that you love. It sucks, you are constantly battling with your mind and you never get a moments rest.

My advice which I have seen here before, talk to a lawyer and start the divorce proceedings. This might be the wake up call to your husband to be honest and totally transparent.

You don't have to follow through with it just the act might be enough to shake him free, but being in a relationship where there is no trust isn't a relationship and you deserve better.

TooManyCliches posted 2/11/2020 09:00 AM

If you're looking for proof, try a GPS and or VAR in his car, or an app that records his phone usage.

But if you're 2 years out from your join date, and still not in a position where he's being open, and you feel like you can believe him and start healing, then yes, I think it's time to evaluate what you're trying to save and whether it's worth it.

The1stWife posted 2/11/2020 09:02 AM

Have you done anything in the past two years to get your plan B together?

I would suggest you start planning just in case you decide to divorce him.

I would start with having a counselor just for you to support you in this decision making process

I would also suggest that you start separating your finances by opening up your own bank account, having credit cards in your name only, possibly start canceling joint credit cards, and gathering copies of all financial documents such as tax returns and bank statements so that you are fully informed of your financial position.

Make sure you have copies of all life insurance policies and other insurance information such as auto insurance health insurance etc.

See an attorney or mediator in your area to see what the divorce process will be for you.

These are the best first steps to take. Doesn’t cost much and is enough to prepare you in case you decide to separate.

tushnurse posted 2/11/2020 10:44 AM

January you last posted in December and it sounded like you were finally ready to pull the trigger, and move forward on D.

Have you actually seen or hired an attorney?
Have you taken any action to separate yourself from him?

I understand that you are in an abusive relationship with him from verbal to possible even physical abuse. There is no need or reason to stay w/ a man that is abusive. Period.

So what are you actually afraid of when it comes to separating yourself from him? You need to start work through this stuff so you can start to move forward on your own, and figure out what you need to be happy an fulfilled in life.

Hurtmyheart posted 2/11/2020 11:17 AM

January2222, I'm just beginning to read your post from December 2017. What is it that you are trying to figure out? I've only read several comments and can already see that type of man you are with. Your WH is extremely emotionally abusive.

What are you afraid of if you decide to stick up for yourself? It's only one step at a time.

I feel your son is the biggest victim here. He didn't ask to be born. He doesn't deserve to go through this. Think, when your son grows up, he will not only hate his abusive father but will also hate you too because you did not protect him. It still doesn't seem that you are there for and protecting him.

Act. Begin to take those necessary steps out of infidelity and if you can't do it for yourself, at least think of your son. He deserves this.

FEEL posted 2/11/2020 13:36 PM

If you haven't already, spend some time reading posts here. You can clearly see the longer things string on the more challenging R and how long people are posting about how things are not changing.

If I were you I'd be asking, what do I want my life to look like in 6 months from now, a year from now, 2 years from now and so on. Then ask yourself how to make that happen and what the chance that it will by staying with him.

The choice is yours. You can post here and hear what people have to say, but at the end of the day the choice is yours.

emergent8 posted 2/11/2020 13:45 PM

January - I am sorry you are going through all this. You deserve so much better.

Gently, he is abusing you (both physically and mentally). You know he is cheating on you. He is making you feel crazy and it is torturing your soul and destroying you little by little. Soon, there will be nothing left. He doesn't care that you are hurting - if he did, he would stop. He is not doing that because he only cares for himself. By not doing anything about it, you are telling him that what he is doing is acceptable. You know it is not.

What could be worse than this? Your son is watching this. He is learning what to expect from an adult relationship. This is not what you want for him, is it?

It is unclear to me what is stopping you from seeing a lawyer. A lawyer will be better able to give you a roadmap of what to expect should you choose to leave him. (S)he will tell you your options. You *DO* have options, you know that, right?

BigMammaJamma posted 2/11/2020 14:23 PM

You deserve better than this. You deserve a hero that puts your feelings and needs above all. You need to be your own hero right now.

You deserve better than this, but nothing is going to change until you start moving, sister. Even if "moving" is simply educating yourself on your next steps. Good god, the idea of leaving seems so huge and insurmountable. Don't think about it as this huge monolithic obstacle. Break it up into bite-size goals and give yourself some credit when you achieve them. Your goals could look something like this (understanding that much of this has already been recommended by other posters, just reinforcing):

1. Talk to some family law lawyers to find out what it is going to take to get you to the other side. This will probably create an action list all on its on.
2. Set up a goal for a nest egg that you need before you leave. $500, $1000, whatever, but work towards that all the time. Buy gift cards if you cannot squirrel cash or money in an account. You will be amazed how proportionate your confidence is with your financial stability.
3. Start recruiting a support network of friends and family who understand your situation and what you are working towards.
4. Separate finances
5. Filing paperwork
6. Et cetera

You deserve better than this and you can have better than this. You are not what he says. He tells you those things so that you don't think you deserve better, so you put up with less than you deserve. This is bullshit and you should tolerate it no longer.

January, please go back and read your old threads. You have been miserable for so long and I think you have forgotten what normal feels like.

January2222 posted 2/11/2020 18:44 PM

Thank you for all your support in this.

I've scheduled a consult with a lawyer.

I've had enough. I'm moving forward.

Thanks for the kind words and advice.

I'm breaking it down into small steps.

For some strange reason I'm not that upset. I've been grieving for so long

It almost feels natural and easy doing this. I wish I didn't wait this long.

FEEL posted 2/11/2020 19:30 PM

Good for you for taking some positive steps for you. Often the hardest part is making the decision to do something. I found in my process this was the hardest part. The day I decided it I had had enough was the most clarity I had ever had about the relationship.

BigMammaJamma posted 2/12/2020 09:52 AM

Great job, January! That is a bold, important first step. Keep going and keep us updated.

The1stWife posted 2/12/2020 11:03 AM

Proud of you!

It won’t be easy. It won’t be without tears.

But think of the day you won’t be subjected to his physical presence and abuse. That should help propel you forward.

Dennyden posted 2/12/2020 18:51 PM

Hi January,

I think I'm kind of in the same boat you are. My wife cheated last summer and I dont know if the affair is over or not. I cant decide whether to stay or not. I think I've had blinders on since the holidays. I've been reading a lot of stuff here and it's very illuminating.

Something that hit me are the posts and articles that describe how it's basically on her to do what's needed to rebuild trust (if I'm understanding the literature correctly). She wrecked it so she has to be the one willing to do what may seem like little things to restore trust. Maybe this would apply to your situation as well.

squid posted 2/13/2020 04:16 AM


It takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head. It's good that you have chosen a path forward. And taking it in small steps will keep your life manageable. This process sucks but it's empowering to take your life back. I know, I just went through it.

Hopefully we'll see you in D/S as you share your journey to the other side. That's where the cool kids hang out.


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