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WS welcome.. I did the right thing and it was trigger

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blessedbyluck posted 1/1/2020 23:24 PM

Thinking back on the years that I had done this guys hair the only thing I can think of as far as him flirting with me or him trying to put the moves on me that I ever caught or took as him wanting to pull any kind of moves was him telling me where he lived and inviting me to a cookout he and his family was having one weekend and I declined and i did tell my husband about it. It crossed my mind back then he may have had intentions and my husband and I both didn't think anything of it or it didn't trigger my husband. Other then that the only thing this guy ever did was talk about the fact that he's been around the block a time or two and liked to party and drink and smoke weed and shit and I usually just shook my head and rolled my eyes at him. This last situation literally was something that caught me by surprise that he would do something like that and I agree I could have handled it differently and ended to conversation right from the get go. He is now blocked from contacting me in any way other then him being able to come into my shop and that can be fixed if he feels the need to show up. My husband knows where he works and how to contact him and he mentioned doing so but is honestly afraid of how he will handle it and the repercussions from it so has decided to let that go. I will take the advice given here and see about having the conversation extracted pulled so my husband can see it. We have been in a good place as far as dealing with my affair and when times like this happens I don't hide it, if my husband triggers I try to do what I need to do to show my husband I am walking down the straight and narrow. When I go somewhere he knows where I am and who I am with, my phone is an open book, this is the first time something like this has really happened and although I could have done it differently I went straight to him and told him what happened. I think down deep he knows I wouldn't do anything but it will always be in his mind that it is possible. I know it made him mad that the guy did it, I know he wanted to go after him.

SuddenImpression posted 1/3/2020 09:28 AM

Are you so pressed for cash that you can't just block the guy faster? Whether you egged him on or not, it really bugs me when a WS even keeps up with communication with someone who obviously doesn't care if you are in a relationship instead of hard-blocking them then and there. Joking around the situation is a lot different than a straight-up "No."

And deleting the evidence? Yikes.
Print it off? Screen-shot it and email it to yourself as evidence?
How are your kids going to see it? Are they constantly going through your phone, too? How hard would it be to keep your phone from them for a few days? All of this is very circumstantial - he's out of town, you had to delete the messages before he could get back, you claimed to try to swing the conversation another way instead of just stopping it then and there - a BS can see that as an excuse to why there would be multiple messages on that day for in the phone records, which in their mind is enough reason to believe you flirted back.

Priorities about who you are trying to keep happy need to be in check - your BS, or a customer that wants to be a potential AP.

This guy was persistent in that he was going to get somewhere with me and I at first tried to laugh it off

This was after he asked for a BJ and you said no. Laughing it off is taking way too long in this situation and I wouldn't trust you either.

Chaos posted 1/3/2020 10:41 AM

Honestly - your title should read "I EVENTUALLY did the right thing"

The trigger wasn't so much that the scumbucket sent it - it is that you responded, engaged in playful banter, hid it all, deleted it all and THEN informed your BS.

Had you screenshot it [for the sake of evidence] then blocked the scumbucket immediately [from your contact and your place of employment] and told your BS - 95%+ of your current issue could have been avoided.

This was a block and tell issue. Plain and simple.

You still have a lot of work ahead of you.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/3/2020 11:23 AM

I get that you work in a service industry and part of that entails being nice to customers, and you may not have thought much about the first 'haircut and BJ' comment since your mind wasn't going in that direction.

BUT it also seems that you realized that you messed up when the dick pic arrived and that's when you went into the cover up mode.

As waywards we need to be a little more aware of this stuff. A few months ago I went to a buddies place to catch a hockey game. Left my phone in my jacket when I got there and missed a call from my wife. Now you can imagine what she started to think. She called my buddy and he passed the phone to me and I got an earful. It was more than just forgetting my phone. I was losing the trust I was rebuilding over the last 4 years that fast.

Zugzwang posted 1/3/2020 15:03 PM

EXACTLY what Chaos said.

waitedwaytoolong posted 1/3/2020 16:39 PM

I would also take a close look at the signals you are sending out. Guys do say some inappropriate things. Comments about appearances, dress, even things about a womenís body parts that cross a line. Never right, but not uncommon.

But for him to ask for a BJ and sending a dick pic is in a whole other league. Most guys, even the pigs, wonít put this out there unless they think it will be well received.

My EX at one point tried to fall back on the excuse that he kissed her first which led to them screwing that day. My response, which she finally agreed with, was the electrician working on a house isnít going to kiss the owner without clear signals that it is ok

My guess is this wasnít ok with you. However, I would look hard at all the interactions you have had with him, and other male clients, to see subltle signs you may be giving that sexual banter, or worse would be ok. Even if it isnít

The woman who cuts my hair is beautiful. She is very friendly, but in no way gives me any signals that would lead me to cross our professional line

I can see how your BS would red flag an interaction like this

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 5:15 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

blessedbyluck posted 1/5/2020 13:52 PM

Thank you everyone for your insight. This has been a huge wakeup call for me. My husband and I have been in a good place and I didn't really think about how this would be taken as far as he is concerned. I don't believe that at any time in the years that I had this man as a client that I gave off the impression that it would be ok for him to do something like this to me. He knew i was married, i talk about my family to all my clients. They know I am committed to my family. My station has all their pictures on it. I also realize that I should have ended the conversation right from the get go and made more of an effort to keep the conversation and let my husband see it and I realize that by deleting it makes me look guilty as sin. I KNOW i would not cross that line but from the outside looking in i can understand where it looks like i am trying to hudevsomething, i can see where people would think that i had led this guy on even before he did this to me and i can promise i did not.
Hindsight is 20/20 and I can see all the way around how it looks bad on my part and will make more of an effort to be more open and think before I do things.
Again thank you all for your input.

[This message edited by blessedbyluck at 1:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Lostgirl410 posted 1/5/2020 17:30 PM

Have you recovered the messages yet? I think it's very important. If you sent out no signals as you say, then this guy is a total creep. Recovering the messages will not only help your BH in this scenario, but arm you with evidence to take to the police if the creep were to attempt anything like this again.

I've had an unsolicited dick pic/awful messages sent to me before. I immediately showed my husband, we demanded the messages stop, and when they didn't (yes we blocked the numbers)...we filed a police report. It ended up being the boyfriend of a friend. They got in an argument, and he went through her phone and selected a group of her female contacts to do this to as some kind of sick & twisted revenge thing. He got a large fine, and it turns out I wasn't the only one who filed a report. They broke up, and she's never been happier.

Protect yourself, your kids, and your BH. If the guy knows your husband is gone a lot, it makes you an easier target. Seriously, don't just assume you can "handle" these types of situations. It's better to be extra cautious, than to have to wish you had been.

faithfulman posted 1/6/2020 17:01 PM

No stop sign.

I want to make sure I got this correct:

You cheated on your husband in the past. I don't know your story, but I will assume you had sex outside of your marriage.

Then recently, some guy has been your hair client for years, who had never been inappropriate with you, and whom you had never flirted with or acted inappropriate with ever, all of a sudden one day solicits you for a blowjob via text.

Instead of putting the hammer down on that shit and cutting it off firmly and immediately, you "laughed it off" and engaged in banter with him.


Then this man who gave no sign of being a creep for years and who you never were flirty with didn't get the message and this conversation that for some reason kept going after he suggested that you suck his dick eventually escalated to dick pics before you stopped it.

Then you deleted the conversation only because you did not want your kids to see this on your phone because there is no way to keep your phone away from them, not because your contributions to this conversation was suspect.

And you didn't think to archive, hide it until your husband could see it, or preserve this exchange in any way.

+++

I understand why your husband is mad and doesn't believe you.

Because this story sounds like complete and utter bullshit!

I don't think you did the right thing at all:

- A married woman engaging some man after he suggests he give her a BJ in any way other than to firmly put him in his place has not done the right thing.
- Entertaining the conversation for additional back and forth is the wrong thing.
- Deleting the conversation is the wrong thing.

Honestly your account makes no sense, and as Judge Judy says: "If it doesn't make sense it is not true."

It certainly makes you look like you have something to hide.

What does make sense, and this is the best possible light, is that you are so conflict avoidant that you have been okay letting this man cross lines until you cannot pretend anymore and he decided to see how far he could take it.

Another angle that makes sense is that you have flirted with this man before and he figured that maybe you were serious.

****

If everything you wrote is true and this guy just lay dormant for years then suddenly went Mr. Hyde on you, then I suggest you get Fonelab with your husband standing right next to you and run a recovery right away so he can see not just this conversation but all the contents of your phone.

And then offer a polygraph.

And probably some other stuff, maybe others can help out with suggestions.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:17 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

DoinBettr posted 1/7/2020 14:46 PM

Something else to help. I heard someone else said they didn't like this, but I don't believe him because he received it well until he heard someone else recommended it.

Tell him he is sexy in some special way. Affairs make people insecure. You should build back some of that self confidence. If you make him feel like you worship him, he will question your loyalty less. Good luck.

SuddenImpression posted 1/8/2020 13:02 PM

He knew i was married, i talk about my family to all my clients. They know I am committed to my family.

That statement is rich - rich with crap. It's funny how stating that someone knowing is in a relationship matters when you already cheated.

So the saying "But I'm married lololol" doesn't mean a damn thing when you threw the meaning of 'married' away before.

SumofOne posted 1/10/2020 15:11 PM

Not knowing you or the guy specifically I can only think in general terms and from my own experience.

My WW, gives off cues that that certain behaviors or ok. Most are harmless to a faithful person. Cheaters, they need the best, most firm boundaries.

You entertained a conversation for far too long that you needed to control. The very moment another man/person brings up something sexual, you shut it down. By continuing to engage, what you told this creep was, that you are saying no but your actions are saying maybe I can be had. This isn't gender specific, so hopefully no backlash for that comment. If you had replied with, I am very offended that you think it is ok to talk to me that way, and I am certain my husband is not going to like it when he sees the screen shot I just sent him of you saying that. I promise you, that you never get a dick pic.

Also, if you've been here before...you seriously deleted the conversation? That is your evidence of no wrong doing. Your proof that you handled it correctly.

I think you might want to be looking harder at your behavior. I am not saying that you tried to be bad. I think you need to look at your boundaries and be more self aware.

If I am your husband I would absolutely be upset in how far it went and how you deleted information. I would not be upset that you got unwanted sexual advances had you done better with those things. I would be mad at the dude but proud of you.

blessedbyluck posted 1/12/2020 03:56 AM

I understand where everyone is coming from. I screwed up a long time ago and I will carry with me the stigma that goes along with being a wayward. I get that. Let me clarify that yes the conversation went on to long but my replies to his comments were made clear that I was not interested in him in any way shape or form, I tried to be nice about it but had to get ugly and just blocked him. I did not flirt with him in person or entertain him in the conversation whatsoever. Never have I entertained the idea of there being anything more then haircuts going on not in that conversation and not in person. Yes I fucked up years ago but that does not mean that now I don't have the morals, standards, self respect, respect for my husband and family and that I would do it again. I wouldn't. Could I have handled it differently by all means yes I could have but it doesn't mean i am guilty or am trying to hide anything. It happened, I went to my husband i told the truth because it was the right thing to do. He triggered yes and I am doing what I need to do to help him through it. Again I appreciate everyone's responses and opinions.

Tallgirl posted 1/12/2020 04:58 AM

After an A trust is zero. This situation was a mine field.
I agree that your response should have been much different.

No one I know would ever send me a text asking for a bj.

I Suggest that you look at your boundaries And how you communicate them to understand if that is the reason this person felt you would be ok with a dick pict and a bj request. He likely thought there was a chance you would say yes. Why did he think that and do that?

For example think about what you will and wonít talk about with clients. How you advise people of your boundaries, saying I am married does not say anything other than marital status. Say I am married and devoted to my H, do not speak to me in this way or I am not interested. Think about when you will not accept a client and when to decline one.....what you will and will not tell clients about yourself. When they cross a line what will you do.

I expected to hear in your posts how you were personally offended by this person. Maybe it was in the retelling but it didnít come through. It is important that you know you should be treated with respect period. Your client did not and i expect it is not the first time.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:15 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Mortified posted 1/12/2020 08:59 AM

honestly, i think you did good. very strange for him to say that, heís got a hell of a lot of confidence if he just randomly texts you that, it kind of makes me wonder if he felt there was something there and it was possible.
also deleting the texts were good, but in hindsight, bad. it will be a little bit before you husband gets over this latest trigger but i think if you guys talk it out and make him realize you did exactly what you thought was right, he will be okay.

Dispirited posted 1/14/2020 02:51 AM

The guy has not been back to my job but it is my intent to refuse service and ask him not to come back but I am pretty sure I made my point in the conversation we had. Any advice is welcome.

LOL- you need to understand boundaries- obviously you still have no clue. "if" I were you and considering the tenuous situation, why do you even make it worse?

Refuse him...if not, get another job:)Think!!!!!! If not, then I would leave you in a heart beat.

Dispirited posted 1/14/2020 03:13 AM

honestly, i think you did good. very strange for him to say that, heís got a hell of a lot of confidence if he just randomly texts you that, it kind of makes me wonder if he felt there was something there and it was possible.
also deleting the texts were good, but in hindsight, bad. it will be a little bit before you husband gets over this latest trigger but i think if you guys talk it out and make him realize you did exactly what you thought was right, he will be okay.


Jibberish....frankly I wonder the IQ's of some of these people.And your opinion of "triggers" is honestly akin to your intelligence.

LOL- perhaps this is KY?

So deleting texts was good, but bad? People like you make this world harder. Why? Because you're idiots:)

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/14/2020 10:31 AM

That was mean Dispirited. I however also call bullshit on the texts. I have no doubt during the time you were having an affair that phone was locked down tight with no doubt anyone would see it so why not extend the courtesy to your BH for a week or so. My husband has full access to my phone and always has, he is the wayward. But it is not a toy and is password protected from third parties.

HellFire posted 1/14/2020 11:12 AM

Did you recover the deleted messages?

thatbpguy posted 1/14/2020 11:51 AM

Zowie. Such angst!

Blessedbyluck, you did just fine. Don't beat yourself up. It was a spur of the moment thing and you used your best judgement at that time. Just continue to communicate well with your husband.

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