blessedbyluck posted 12/31/2019 11:49 AM

I don't post often but recently had an incident that happened and I handled it the right way but it ended up being a trigger. It's been years since I fucked up, we have had bumps in the road but we handled it. I do hair, been at my location for almost 9 years, have a great clientel built up and have made a lot of friends. This particular client I have had for most of the time and like everyone else he knows I am married, knows that I will not cross that line, knows I am committed to my family and husband. Well low and behold one Saturday I get a message saying "I need a haircut and a bj" I responded I could do their haircut but you will have to go somewhere else for the bj and left it at that. This guy was persistent in that he was going to get somewhere with me and I at first tried to laugh it off, then nicely put him in his place reminding him I am married and won't be crossing that line. Still he didn't get it going as far as sending a picture of his dick hard and saying very derogatory things and I had to get ugly with him and finally had to block him from contacting me in any way. It was crazy. I went straight to my husband and told him what happened and it brought up all the trust issues he has with me and he now is worried I am having an affair. I understand i fucked up before and he has every right to question me. I just don't know how else I can help him understand I would not do it again and that this guy is a threat. I know where the guy works and told my husband. My only mistake is that since my kids have full access to my phone and i didn't want them seeing that conversation and picture and deleted it before I could show my husband. I wish I hadn't deleted it until he saw it so he could see I did right. The guy has not been back to my job but it is my intent to refuse service and ask him not to come back but I am pretty sure I made my point in the conversation we had. Any advice is welcome.

kairos posted 12/31/2019 12:06 PM

So, this sounds challenging and I really want to believe you did everything, but deleting the texts. That was either ill-advised or very intentional. Either way, you know it was a big mistake. If I were him, I wouldn't trust you. You could have easily deleted the pic within the text. If your kids have access to the phone, you could have hid the phone (or used a password) for at least the day. I'm not convinced you did the right thing. And if I'm correct, well that's whole different issue.

Ask your husband if he would feel differently if you had not deleted the texts. If so, then you know what to do next time, because there will be a next time.

Also, for what it's worth, a man doesn't out of the blue ask for a haircut and a BJ. This usually only happens if there was previous flirtation. If I'm wrong, well this guy is not only an asshole but he is also a pervert. I'm not saying you came onto him, but is there a possibility your nonverbal language gave something off or allowed this to get here? I'm just putting the question out there.

When I read this post, I also see that you came through and turned this guy down. It got a little messy, but you did it. Next time, keep the evidence.

Justsomelady posted 12/31/2019 12:11 PM

Pdx- as a mom, I believe her about protecting her kids but w past history agree I’ll advised. Maybe it isn’t too late for her to do fonelab.

As for men being inappropriate only after flirtation and prompting - that is FALSE. I have been sexually harassed since I was literally a child. I did nothing to encourage these encounters. I def believe her as I can’t even count how many random men have been out of the blue inappropriate w me and friends, family.

landclark posted 12/31/2019 12:13 PM

My only mistake is that since my kids have full access to my phone and i didn't want them seeing that conversation and picture and deleted it before I could show my husband.

Not judging you, but i don’t think this was your only mistake. I would have cut it off much sooner. The fact that you engaged at all after the mention of a bj wasn’t well thought out. He wants a BJ? No thanks, block. Also, even if you wanted to delete it, could you have still taken screenshots or something for your husband to see? Also, honestly, why is this guy even comfortable suggesting that you give in a bj? He’s probably just a creep (what is the obsession with dick pics?), but if I were your husband i would be wondering.

Next time shut it down immediately, do not engage, and keep the evidence.

IHatePickingName posted 12/31/2019 12:13 PM

I just want to disagree a little bit with pdxguy because i absolutely have had random offers i did nothing to encourage. But you should save the documentation in any case next time. For your husband yes, but also in case it becomes more harrassing or in case he tries to cause problems for you at work. I would try to recover those messages to keep for your records.

landclark posted 12/31/2019 12:22 PM

I agree that men and women can be creeps without any prompting, invitation, suggestion, etc. It’s gross. As somebody who has been betrayed though, if a woman texted my husband and said she needed an electrical drawing and an orgasm, I would definitely wonder why she felt comfortable doing that. Like I said, the guy is likely just a creep, but given the history it’s not unreasonable to wonder.

blessedbyluck posted 12/31/2019 12:26 PM

Pdxguy I appreciate your advice and comment. I don't have anything to hide from my husband or anyone. My husband works out of town a majority of the time so him seeing the message had I not deleted it would have been days later when he got home and I was thinking more about my kids seeing it and getting upset. I wish now I had done things differently and saved it and just put my phone up. I can see where it would come off that I am trying to hide something or am guilty of doing something but I didn't say anything I should be ashamed of. As far as my giving the guy a reason to do all that I can honestly say no I did not. He knew i am married, he knows I would not cross that line and I don't flirt with men other than my husband. I do know this guy is big into drinking and has been around the block more times then God if you know what I mean and has no boundaries (obviously or he would not have tried with me). If I gave off the impression I would be interested it was not my intent. I love my husband, I know what is expected of me to make sure he knows I am doing right. Am I perfect naw.
I appreciate your post and understand where your coming from.

cptprkchp posted 12/31/2019 12:49 PM

Sometimes the line can be hard to see. I’m not going to lie - I am 45 years old and considered “attractive” to men. I am very careful about how I look, eye contact, smiling, etc. I am a dirty cigarette smoker. Here’s my story - I live in Manhattan and I don’t smoke in my apartment and when I do smoke I try to do it away from people as I do understand it’s stinky and gross for non-smokers. I have been going to the same smoking spot for 8 years. 8 years! Over the summer a new security guard started working in the area I smoke. He saw me every day - a few times a day. At some point he introduced himself to me - this happens a lot - you live in an area of NYC long enough we all come to know each other somehow.

I would sit in my hiding spot usually either listening to music or farting around on my phone and slowly but surely he started trying to talk to me more and more. I actually moved to a different spot so that he would leave me alone. I was very aware of the fact that he was trying to talk to me so I was careful to not give any indication of interest. So, I moved. I walked past him one day and he shoved his phone in to my hand and told me to give him my number. I told him I was married. He said “I know.” I tossed his phone and took off. He knows? Ok. So, apparently he thinks I’m a whore.

I sat there wondering what indicators he took from me as being interested. I couldn’t think of one. I didn’t tell BH about it immediately because I knew I wasn’t giving him any signs. One he demanded my phone number I did go to BH but felt like it was my fault somehow.

Now, there is a man who just moved in to our building - he tries to catch my eye whenever he walks by me. I give him nothing - no smile, no hello, no acknowledgement at all. I have seen him at least 6 times and I give him nothing. You would think he would get the hint, right? Nope - he has asked two separate people about me - am I single. Both said no. He still tries to catch my eye. This time I told BH the second I realized it was intentional. I even pointed the guy out to BH.

Sometimes crazy shit happens - these situations are triggering for BH even when I tell him immediately - that’s the nature of infidelity, I suppose. Next time you will know better!

blessedbyluck posted 12/31/2019 12:51 PM

Thanks you guys for your insight. I can see I should have done several things differently and wish i had. I should have stopped it sooner then i did. I thought telling him I wasn't interested would be enough and it wasn't and I agree I should have blocked right away. I can see why my husband would wonder what was going on since the guy sent the pic and considering my past yes I can see why he would question it and my deleating it I can understand how that would look. It has been so long since my affair and we have been in a good place and i am a little to comfortable in the sense that I know I would never do it again but there will always be that question in the back of his mind and I need to make sure I take the steps neccessary to show him he can trust me still. I guess I thought that since I put the guy back in his place and did tell my husband I thought I was doing the right thing and it was but I did make mistakes in the situation.

HellFire posted 12/31/2019 13:03 PM

The minute the BJ text came in, you should have told him to go elsewhere, period.

Then you should have blocked him.

My kids have full access to my phone as well. However, it would be super easy to keep the phone in my pocket, and tell them no,until I had showed my husband the conversation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:03 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]

onlytime posted 12/31/2019 13:09 PM

I went straight to my husband and told him what happened 

My only mistake is that since my kids have full access to my phone and i didn't want them seeing that conversation and picture and deleted it before I could show my husband.

I'm confused.

If you went "straight to your husband" and told him what happened as you're claiming, then how, when, and why would your kids have seen it??

And, why did you not show your husband after the initial message came in? Why wait and allow the conversation to continue?

kairos posted 12/31/2019 13:10 PM

BlessedByLuck, my critique comes with respect too. The only real determiner here is you. Only you know what you could have or should have done, or what you were thinking and when. These people on this site, we test ourselves, push ourselves to take our demonstrations of fidelity one step farther each time. As we all know, even our best intentions and actions can be corrupted by the nuances, the little thoughts, those unchecked things. Like I said, you did do the right thing. And believe next time you'll knock it out of the park. :)

fooled13years posted 12/31/2019 14:18 PM

blessedbyluck,
In a post from several years ago you stated

My husband and I are 100% reconcile

I understand that you own your business but, after your proven history of being capable of betraying your husband, why when he sent that first message did you not tell him he would no longer be able to get his haircut at your shop?

IMHO, there is no room for politeness when protecting your family, marriage and spouse.

Are you sure you did not feel flattered in any way that this guy was interested in you?

blessedbyluck posted 12/31/2019 20:46 PM

Thanks again everyone for your responses. Let me clarify that when I said I went straight to my husband, I did and told him, my husband works put of town a majority of the time and when this was going on he was out of town and I called him to tell him what was going on as soon as it happened. And he is not tech savvy so I can't just forward him something. His phone he has is a flip phone his company pays for and he hates it and won't get a smart phone because he doesn't want to learn how to use it.i don't cary my phone with me all the time, it is sometimes on charge or in my purse ect and since I have nothing to hide I don't mind my kids or anyone I know using it. At the time my husband knew the conversation happened and what was said, I didn't want my kids to see it. Maybe I was wrong in that. And I realize I should have stopped the conversation when it started, no believe me it didn't flatter me in the least bit i laughed it off and told him i could cut his hair but he would have to go elsewhere for the bj, I live in a small redneck town some peop,e talk like that and i have had people talk like that in front of me before even with my husband around and neither one of us think anything of it, not an excuse but at first I didn't take him serious. It's the fact that he continued with it and actually thought he could talk me into it. Was I wrong in letting it continue... yes lord yes. The whole thing caught me off guard because all of my regulars know I am all about my husband and my family and where I stand. And it triggered my husband and i can understand why. I think I made it clear to him I wouldn't be doing his hair but should he decide to get the balls to come in and think I will he will be leaving as fast as he came in. I really appreciate you guys and I understand what all of you are saying.

Candyman66 posted 12/31/2019 21:01 PM

If I was in your position I would go ahead and have the messages extracted by a professional and see if you actually can recover the messages. If so give the unedited copy to your BS and that should go a long way to help your position. Then you can discuss how to handle it better with a few suggestions from this thread

cptprkchp posted 1/1/2020 07:16 AM

I was giving your situation some thought and, depending on your H, have him say something to the asshole. My BS understands that there are some people out there that just don’t care and they are just tossing lines out in hopes someone will bite. It’s my responsibility to do everything in my power to avoid these types of things but that’s not always possible as I can’t control others - only me. When that guy shoved his phone in my hand and demanded my number I told my BH because a line was crossed. My BH made sure he let the guy know that BH knows what he did and that his actions were unacceptable..

That man was disrespectful to both you and your H - I would have H contact him and tell him his actions were disgusting and that he is to never contact you again. At that point, the guy knows you aren’t going to stand for his crap and that you went directly to your H showing him that you won’t condone nor protect his actions.

Just a thought!

ShutterHappy posted 1/1/2020 09:06 AM

No stop sign...

You can’t change the past. However, I suggest the following:

Communicate with your BH. Does he want you to undelete the texts? If he says yes, then use software to undelete it or ask a professional.

Do your mea culpa... Tell him Next time someone is inappropriate towards you, you’ll be blocking that person a whole lot faster.

He might just be angry at the guy. I’m remarried. My "new" wife is not a wayward, but if someone had done something like that to my wife, I wouldn’t be happy.

DaddyDom posted 1/1/2020 11:08 AM

blessedbyluck,

There were a number of things that could have been done better when viewed in hindsight. You could have forwarded the texts to him before deleting them, saved the photos to the web before deleting them, etc. More than anything, I'd suggest that you should have taken any steps necessary to make sure this guy was no longer a client and couldn't reach you (block him) from the moment you knew he was attracted to you. But I'm not going to stay on those things because I think they are side-issues, not the main issue.

Something else that probably could have been handled better was that it sounds like this guy was flirting with you for a while. Did your husband know about this, or were you trying to handle it on your own so as not to disturb/upset him?

The answer to this is very important. If the answer was the latter, then nothing has really changed. From your husband's perspective, it would feel as if you were still hiding things from him, and/or making decisions based on what you think is best for him, taking away his ability to make his own decisions about how he feels about it. This is exactly how it felt to him during the affair. It would also show that you are still protecting yourself more than him. It makes you unsafe for your husband, and it shows him that he still can't trust you. Even if you had "done everything right", it would all still be invalidated by the fact that it was kept hidden from him until it had gotten to the point where it was out of hand. Nothing about that feels safe.

The other thing I can tell you is that, even if you did your best and if nothing could have been done, well, sadly, that's just too bad. I don't say that to be mean, in fact, it is one of the things it took me forever to really embrace. But the fact is, this is a consequence, for both of you, of the affair. If not for the affair, this probably would not be such an issue right now. But the affair did happen. And so this is a consequence of that.

Let me ask you this. When you told your husband about this client, how/why did it go down? I guess what I'm asking is, how did you feel telling him? Did you feel like a child trying to stay out of trouble? Or did you feel this was going to break his heart again? Be honest with yourself. The very phrase, "I did everything right" brings the topic back to you, your feelings, your consequences. It sounds, from this end of the internet, as if you were more worried about your husband being upset with you for what happened, then how he was going to feel hearing it, and how your past actions are to blame for his pain.

That's what he's looking for. For him to be more important. It's not what you did or didn't do. It is about what he still isn't getting from you.

Serpico posted 1/1/2020 13:56 PM

Blessed:

Hello. Happy New Year to you.

When you say your husband was triggered, how did he react specifically? Did he get angry? Depressed? Did it seem to push your reconciliation back in any significant way?

I can actually see where you are coming from. Men often times say stupid shit to women so it may have only partially registered with you as a direct flirtation-not something you would think about losing a customer over.

Your concern at this point should be comforting your husband. You should do what you can to retrieve the deleted messages and then give your husband the option of how to proceed from there.

Good luck to you.

gmc94 posted 1/1/2020 14:36 PM

Even if you had "done everything right", it would all still be invalidated by the fact that it was kept hidden from him until it had gotten to the point where it was out of hand. Nothing about that feels safe.

the affair did happen. And so this is a consequence of that.