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Anyone else an overachiever

ann1960 posted 12/2/2019 11:18 AM

First Iím aware that normally this would be a jerk subject, boasting and bragging about myself. Anyone who is here as a BS knows about self esteem and what cheating does to it.

Today I sit at Starbucks thinking....before working out, of course posting my work out and positive message on my IG page trying to help others ACHIEVE a healthier life. Over the top on everything I do.

Went to an amazing birthday party on sat. I showed up with all my camera equipment to document (yep you guessed photographer too). Beautiful bouquet of flowers that perfectfully matched the wrapping paper that matched our college colors that matched the homemade pajamas I sewed. Martha Stewart has nothing on me except I havenít gone to prison for insider trading.

Special needs adopted bi racial child. Ya I have one of those too. Off the rails in behavior by the time he was 13 yo. I dug in got him help which left me exhausted with the IEPs, doctors, aids, etc. Did I get help from my husband? Not much. He was busy. Really busy. It takes a lot of work to avoid and hide from your home life, look up hookers on Craigslist, find local sex clubs, hourly hotels, delivery services for sex toys and have a gf. Heís an over achiever too!

Not done...

I work. I work hard. Of course because average is not on my radar. Even though the OW called me a gold digger. Haha. Why not. Husbands donít talk up the wife to the OW. But he did throw out some numbers then took credit. Omg he told her all our financial information. Why why why? Meal ticket!!! However, he was way way way off on his numbers thank God. I take care of that portion of our life too. He had no fucking idea of our net worth.

Youíre getting the picture. Probably agitated too. Man Iím the greatest....let me not forget. Blessed with some good genes too. My husband never left me, why would he?

Now the nitty gritty. Why am I this person? Why do I stay with a lair cheater?

ANSWER: low, correction....No self esteem.

I am so messed up and I know it. Gullible, naÔve, trusting, insecure, + some

PS: the good news. My special needs child is 17yo now. He is super super kind, plays the piano like a professional, has a pilots license, has been accepted to college, in a new high school so he could ditch his past and is the most amazing human on the planet. Anyone who is reading this with a Child DXíed with oppositional defiance disorder can get help, but I will tell you it comes with a lot of work, fighting the school system, and never gives my up.

secondtime posted 12/2/2019 12:01 PM

Yes.

I am. I work two jobs, a full time one and a part time one.

I have four children. 2-15.

I am in graduate school, part time, for a second master's degree.

I'm still sporting a perfect 4.0, but that may change after this semester. I'm in a PhD level course that's been kicking my ass.

I also am fairly active in my kids' activities and volunteer in their school. I used to volunteer in church, but that got to be too much.

I also manage the finances and do quite a bit around the house.

I even find time to make my kids' hats, etc and to make hats/scarves to donate to others.

I don't have time for social media. I'm mostly here and another board.

I'm in my 40s now, and I've learned to do a gut check to see why I do what I do. Do I have a good reason for my choices or am I using busy-ness as an excuse as a poor coping strategy/escape mechanism. I grew up in a house with a mentally ill mom and a dad the rug-swept. Overachieving was my coping strategy. It was also brilliant, since overachieving is the one thing I could count on my parents for rewarding. So. It was the only time I got positive reinforcement that could be counted on.

I know I have worth. The problem is that neither my husband nor my parents see that. THAT is what makes me sad.

[This message edited by secondtime at 12:02 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

landclark posted 12/2/2019 12:37 PM

I wouldnít say Iím an overachiever, but there are definitely things Iíve worked hard at, such as an awesome career where Iím very highly respected for what I do.

This was something my WH said (and says) he admires about me. Yet, the women he was attracted too are in much different places. Nowhere near as successful in a career.

So at the end of the day, despite my achievements, he wanted women who were nothing like me. So yeah, that hurts. But screw him. Iím still proud of where Iím at.

The1stWife posted 12/2/2019 14:57 PM

Yup overachiever here.

He held it against me. Says I did not need him. Ha!!! He traveled extensively during our marriage. I was running the house and kids and family finances, etc. and I never complained.

Just unappreciated at times. I guess the OW was capable of stepping g into my shoes NOT! She was a self absorbed millennial who could barely manage her own life let alone a house & kids etc.

I made his life too Easy.

keet posted 12/2/2019 15:29 PM


This is a weird one. I'm an overachiever but not. I'm steadily advancing in my career. I'm making good progress toward my PhD (employer pays for it). I make crazy shit for and with my kids. Hell, at two-weeks D-day I was outside with my DD's high school club building a fucking float that I designed.

I don't think I do these things because I want to achieve. I think I just need to DO things. I don't know if it's a compulsion or what, but my mom was that way too. But my mom's marriage was emotionally unfulfilling, so maybe I've done the same thing she did: found fulfillment in other areas of my life (that aren't As). That process *looks* like over achievement.

If we reconcile, I'll probably still be just as squirrelly. Keep working and going to school. Build/paint/install/drill holes in shit because it makes them better. Make crazy-ass projects with kids. But maybe I won't be so desperate for it to fill a void.

I had the same experience some of you did. The AP was the total opposite of me, a train-wreck of a human being and a horrible human being at that (WH's words, not mine). I told WH if he'd had an A with someone worthwhile that he wouldn't have stayed with me. He said it would never happen bc he's only attracted to people who "need his help."

The A had nothing to do with me. Me being better or more accomplished at something wouldn't have made him less broken.


keet posted 12/2/2019 15:33 PM

One more barf thing from WH: He seems to have put me on a pedestal. I'm great. I'm moral. I'm such a hard worker. I'm this. I'm that. He said he told the OW that I'm amazing (WTF?). In contrast, he feels horrible, unworthy, blah blah blah. He said if we were going to move forward, we needed to stop thinking of me as better than him. Until that moment, I don't think he realized it was all in his head. I think he thought I looked down on him somehow. Well now I clearly do, but for totally different reasons.

In any case, that's something he needs to work out with his IC. Not my problem.

AnnieMae posted 12/2/2019 18:40 PM

That is my story too! Except my kid is a type 1 diabetic. (2 other sons with no medical issues). My wh went to craigslist he said to help people since I did not need his help. And somehow made he way to the hooker part of craigslist. Yet now I am the one here doubting everything. Yet still making sure everything is done. I canít stop it.

Hawaii posted 12/2/2019 20:07 PM

Not sure if Iím an overachiever as such but I do have very high standards that I hold myself to. I have/had an idea of how I want/wanted my life to be and Iím very goal driven and have worked hard to achieve those goals.
Iíve worked shift work for the past 20 years, at times 2 nearly full time jobs and for the past 7 years permanent night shifts, Iíve completed 1 post grad degree and am currently studying my masters degree. I get by some weeks on an hour of sleep per 24 hours 😳 my children all have busy social lives and each do extra curricular activities, I volunteer at their schools. I have a child with a disability so I spend a lot of time do therapy with him. I exercise at a gym daily, sometimes twice a day! Ii have a busy social life and hobbies. I cook healthy meals and make Insta worthy lunchboxes and my house usually looks like a display home 😂 but I never felt good enough- never smart enough, never fit enough, never interesting enough or successful enough for my WH. Last year when we separated was the first time I actually felt like ďhey Iím ok, Iím actually a pretty good personĒ
It took a friend to tell me that she had always thought my life was perfect and I had the white picket dream life to shock me into realising it wasnít me with the issues it was my WH. Since then Iíve vowed to keep it real. I lose my shit on a daily basis, I feed my kids 2 minute noodles for dinner sometimes. It helped that WH life went to shit and it made me realise heíd been riding my coat tails for years. I began living a (mostly) stress free life with my children away from his controlling behaviour and he was living out of a backpack in his motherís shed.

ann1960 posted 12/2/2019 21:53 PM

Holy shit, can I say that here? I got in trouble for calling my husbands slut a slut. I am blown away by what I read.

YES YES YES the OW is not anything like me either, the only thing we had in common was we shared the same penis.

SIDE NOTE: if your spouse was single they "probably" would not choose the AP to date or make a life with. These are low ball people.

Are any of your husbands over achievers? Mine is. He is a physician, Yale grad. He uses his job to 1. make him self look and feel important. The nurses and other doctors fawn all over him because he's one of the smartest and hardest working MDs. I called him out on his bullshit and said you are NOT there 18 hours a day for the sake of the patient. You are there to get high fives and have people over and over congratulate you on saving someones life when they couldn't. Please don't misunderstand he is very dedicated but its for his kudos. 2. It gives him a place to hide from the real world of HIM of me and children. He is a rock star, top of his food chain...where at home he is a husband and father with supposed responsibility. And a safe place for his sex addiction. Crazy. And its really risky making it more exciting.

ann1960 posted 12/2/2019 21:58 PM

AnnieMae:

Can you tell me about the Craigslist involvement. It's hard now to know what the hell my husband was doing. What was yours doing.

I went into my husbands phone and searching google. Oppps he forgot to erase the years of Craigslist searches, sex hotels, sex clubs, hourly hotels, sex toys and delivery services. This was another whole world of creepy.

Of course now of the searches that I clicked on existed because craigslist shut down the hookers. My husband said he went to read them because they were sexy and he could masterbate to them.

Does anyone know what those ads were like? He said he "once" responded but they never responded back to him. Right. I think there is a whole lot more I don't know about. He swears he NEVER saw a hooker. I don't believe him.

Tentwinkletoes posted 12/3/2019 01:02 AM

F*** it I never big myself up but hell yes. I've achieved some amazing things.

I was scouted for a top football team but couldnt commit to them as I was into acting. I had parts as a film extra with some a-list hollywood actors, even got to speak to one between takes. Did live performances and some tv work. Als top for cross country, best female runner in my school. I did some modeling as well. Won a poetry and writing competition. As well as winning miss junior ****(town name) and the gala queen. On top of this I was head girl elected by my class mates. I worked 2 or 3 part time jobs on top of high school and made enough money so I could to pass my driving test first time and buy my own car.
I passed with top Marks in all my exams. Was top of my year for many subjects. But I had alot of friends and I was popular and because i always had to work I valued my achievements and stayed modest.

I got into a medical professional degree which I did well to get into as the competition was fierce. First person in my family to go to uni. First person from my school to study that subject. Working multiple part time jobs to help fund myself. Worked with adults and kids with learning difficulties during uni and got even more additional qualifications all while juggling this very difficult challenging degree from the top uni in the country for that subject. The drop out and failure rate is quite high but I passed all years first attempt.

Qualified and applied for a job after uni. 8 openings and 108 applicants. I got the job. I earn well and continued working my part time job with some the kids with learning difficulties worked 7 days a week for a while. As I didnt want to let them down. Even worked as a waitress for my friend as a favour. It wasnt for money just I'm a hard worker and wanted to help them out. I did a post grad qualification pass rate was 30% I passed both parts first time earned more letters after my name.

I've earned and learned the value of every success or challenge I have had. Bought our first house gorgeous penthouse apartment. It was beautiful. I got asked to stay on at the job, only 1 out the 8 of us and again excelled further. Moved jobs after my son was born for more money and a challenge was the top earner in that business they were desperate for me to stay tried to offer higher salary etc. But I wanted to move out the city and get a large family home. It's the dream house I now have. Every inch planned and worked out by me. Made a home for us. So I moved jobs again to a very well known respected business. I'm due to go on maternity leave and everyone is desperate for reassurance I am coming back and I'm being accommodated and offered excellent benefits to keep me. I'm well valued and liked in all of my work positions. Have been offered to return to the other businesses.

I branched out trained in a different type of work in addition to my original job and this is successful too. My boss wants to pay to put me on more courses and get more skills and diversify my work further. I love my job and I'm happy doing it. So I'm lucky it pays so well.

My son was only 2 and I ran 2 marathons in a few months fitting in training around my full time work and being a mum. Raised money for children's charities. This is when my wh found some discontent to start the A. I also have a lovely clean tidy house. Can cook well. Wh loves my home made food. Strangely when he went off his rails to justify A and spent time manipulating his mind for A he had some major F ups in work of course ow was his support but he stagnated. He didnt thrive (his words and reflection) he lost his drive success and confidence and realises surrounding himself with the opposite of me was not only NOT what he wants but it was entirely detrimental to him and his own success and self value.

I also have the most amazing intelligent funny cute adoring son. I'm told hes a credit to me and a joy. He has such a great character he charms everyone he meets. Hes wickedly funny but sensitive and kind. And a handsome lad.

I have went on humanitarian trips abroad to poverty stricken countries. I'm active in a mental health charity and training to offer support to fellow professionals. Ive studied psychology and counselling as an interest/hobby I want to succeed but it means more when I can give benefit to others as well. And always look for ways to do this.

I have a close knit group of high school friends we have each others back through everything. And have a larger extended group of friends. My wh says I'm one of the nicest people who looks for the good in others.

My background is I had an alcohol dependent mother and absent father. We were neglected alot. I have some issues and traumas in my childhood. Yet I've never used any of it as an excuse. I have always wanted to succeed and thrive. In a humble way. But with grit and determination. I dont trample others getting to my goal. I'm so proud of everything I have done. That includes working through this shitty time. I survive then thrive always have and always will.

I admit I deserved better but I havent settled for less since dday and I won't in the future. My self esteem now demands I deserve more. I have always been a fighter never a victim or down and out. It's why wh loves me and I have respect and admiration from alot of people in my life. I am a kick ass lady but with kindness!

When I see it on paper I realise I'm blessed with a successful and happy life. And my wh is only a snippet of it. I am so much more than the M or the A. Easy to forget that sometimes.

Tentwinkletoes posted 12/3/2019 01:18 AM

For the record I never big up my achievements!

My husband and best friend would be pleasantly surprised to read that post where I actually take credit for myself.

Thanks for the chance to answer that. I popped on bored awake during the night went to sleep on it and wasnt going to post but woke the morning realising how much I have to be proud and grateful for. Not in a big headed way. But in a way of gratitude for Agatha I have.

Tentwinkletoes posted 12/3/2019 01:18 AM

For the record I never big up my achievements!

My husband and best friend would be pleasantly surprised to read that post where I actually take credit for myself.

Thanks for the chance to answer that. I popped on bored awake during the night went to sleep on it and wasnt going to post but woke the morning realising how much I have to be proud and grateful for. Not in a big headed way. But in a way of gratitude for everything I have.

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 1:19 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

AnnieMae posted 12/3/2019 05:57 AM

ann1960 my husband would search craigslist for the "help me I need grocery" or "I need money for rent" type ads. He bought groceries for a few single moms. (which I did not know about nor would have approved). That later led into the "I am a bored house wife blah blah ads" where he sexted a ton. His one and only encounter with a person from craigslist (that I know about) he paid a lady $40 to watch her masturbate. I found the text logs and texted the ones that had a long list of texts and no admitted to meeting him except this one and it is the only one he says he met.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/3/2019 09:15 AM

Man Iím the greatest....let me not forget. Blessed with some good genes too.


Yes, you are! Nothing wrong with saying it, either.

Your overachieving is probably a symptom of your low self esteem. You can change that, just don't change your awesomeness!

I am absolutely NOT an overachiever. I do what's needed and that's it. No over the top anything from me. Although, I actually got investigated at work once for being too productive. I didn't mean to be. 🤣

And, all kids go off the rails sometime between 13 and 15. Most come back, eventually. I say my now 28yo was not human from 13 to 15. He started to become recognizable at about 17. Became really fun to be around again maybe around 19. He's pretty damn awesome now!

I've got an almost 16yo at home just coming out of that craziness and a 12.5 year old heading into it. I have no fucking clue what the 8yo is doing! He's an a whole other level. All boys. Love 'em!

RedHeadTemper posted 12/3/2019 14:07 PM

Now the nitty gritty. Why am I this person? Why do I stay with a lair cheater?

ANSWER: low, correction....No self esteem.

Might I suggest (I'm an over achiever) dig deeper with these questions.

Codependency and feeling of abandonment can play into this.

I was always told as a kid that when the M ends in D, they failed. I don't fail.

Hope still alive that they're going to change and you'll see the best version of them selves (again)?

Not wanting to kill the net worth YOU'VE worked so hard for!?!?

Not wanting to give up on a marraige that you've put so much effort into?! It's hard to give up on something that you've sacrificed so much for!

And of course self esteem. Feelings that no one would want you.

All valid, normal, difficult feelings. I can relate.

ann1960 posted 12/3/2019 15:47 PM

Hello everyone!!! I am so happy to read about you amazing people. I wish more people would jump in and tell their story. When you see yourself in writing you can step back and say wow...Im really done a lot.

I have to remember affairs have little to do with us. It doesn't matter how amazing we are if they are cheaters, they're cheaters.

Tell me more!!!

Ill start. It's little...the club where I work out asked me to become a spin instructor. Would love to. It will keep me accountable and I will get a chance to influence others in a positive way. And yes, if I can become certified I will do it.

sewardak posted 12/3/2019 17:06 PM

my people!!!!


Codependency and feeling of abandonment can play into this.

yes, which is why recovering from this has been so hard.
Dad walked out on my mom when I was 10 and had another family. forgot about us.

I have a great career - I won't get a PhD because they will pay be nothing to have it, officiate a sport at an Olympic level and am a fitness instructor (on the side).

I need to calm down. I'm usually exhausted all the time from trying to get things done - and when I look at that it's for the benefit of OTHER people. not good.

humantrampoline posted 12/4/2019 10:03 AM

I've been a rock solid underachiever since D-day. Sometimes getting out of bed and showering is an accomplishment.

It is good to read others accomplishments and think about my own in my past though.

Coco, Thanks for the 13-15 yr old comments. My good friend had her oldest go off to college about 5 years ago. Her son was the perfect student, great athlete, polite. He went to West Point. I called and asked how she was handling it after he left. She said she was ok, and that it helped he was a d#$$K to her that last year of high school. She figured it must be their way of preparing to become independent and separate from parents. I think of that when my son is rude or distant.

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