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She's mad at ME?

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tushnurse posted 1/7/2020 13:38 PM

I live in the hope that love for our offspring will be enough for her to keep her worst instincts in check

Don't be a fool. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. You don't have to tell her you are preparing for a shitstorm, but you need to do it anyway.
Additionally if you thing someone like here won't go scorched earth, go check out some threads in D by a man named Barcher144. He too hoped his wife's love for the kids would make it peaceful.....

Slanted posted 1/7/2020 13:47 PM

Don't be a fool. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. You don't have to tell her you are preparing for a shitstorm, but you need to do it anyway.
Additionally if you thing someone like here won't go scorched earth, go check out some threads in D by a man named Barcher144. He too hoped his wife's love for the kids would make it peaceful.....

Oh, believe me, I'm following exactly what you are saying there. She is a devoted mother, so I hope that guides her more than her anger at me for, you know, making her cheat. But as for what I expect? If this was a weather report, I would be scrambling for the storm cellar.

Slanted posted 1/7/2020 13:52 PM

Don't take any of her crap. NOT...ONE...BIT! Do not get aggitated or excited. Be calm, but firm. You were both in the same marriage, but (hopefully) you didn't cheat. That is entirely on her. She's gotta own that.

I did take the crap at the very beginning, for maybe a week, before I knew it was serial cheating. I haven't backed down or changed tunes since that day. As soon as I get legal advice, the tune will change to something more like the Darth Vader theme.

And you're right that I didn't cheat. Never have, never will. On her or anyone. If I ever had it in me at all, the last months have made sure I will never ever ever be capable of putting another human through this much trauma.

[This message edited by Slanted at 1:52 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

numb&dumb posted 1/8/2020 08:46 AM

Claims that if I had cheated because of lack of sex, she would have just had to understand. (There was lack of sex. I never cheated.)

You said this in earlier post. It should draw a distinction between the two of and your integrity and values. Hint: You had issue but did not cheat. She did.

FWIW Any IC that focuses that much on the spouse of the person they are seeing for Individual counseling(IC) is doing a poor job.

Also please see several attorneys. Pick one and follow their advice to the letter. When you are not an expert and hire one you need to follow their lead. Too many people think they know better. Just get your moneys worth.

I think that you need to first file a legal separation. Once you do that tell her that all communications should go through your attorney and go dark.

As aside there is a slight chance she is bluffing. Call her bluff to highlight the very real power you do have in your relationship right now. You've always had it, but she a vested interest in convincing you that you don't. Your entire M has probably followed that dynamic.

Read that last sentence again.

Slanted posted 1/8/2020 09:32 AM

I think that you need to first file a legal separation. Once you do that tell her that all communications should go through your attorney and go dark.

As aside there is a slight chance she is bluffing. Call her bluff to highlight the very real power you do have in your relationship right now. You've always had it, but she a vested interest in convincing you that you don't. Your entire M has probably followed that dynamic.

Thanks for the good advice. I am in total agreement. Where I live, there's no legal separation though, only divorce. I will need to remain in the house to retain equal footing until there's a legal agreement. That's going to be a joy.


As much as I hate that you are right about the relationship dynamic, you are right about the relationship dynamic. My IC is helping me explore that, and right now is me changing the dynamic. The results are remarkable. The volcano is erupting like I have never seen. The last row we had was incredible. I did not return the anger I got when I referred to what she has done, but it was equal to the worst I have ever seen from her. It lasted a really long time even without me responding.

The1stWife posted 1/9/2020 03:15 AM

The volcano is erupting like I have never seen.

What you are now seeing is that cheaters do not like to lose control of the situation. When you change the dynamic and you no longer believe the lies and the gaslighting and the manipulation, the cheater reacts with anger.

Good for you for finally seeing the reality Of your cheating spouse. Keep up with the counselor because that will provide the support you need and the reality check required to be able to understand the craziness of the cheater.

I wish you all the best.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:31 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

faithfulman posted 1/10/2020 18:03 PM

The volcano is erupting like I have never seen. The last row we had was incredible. I did not return the anger I got when I referred to what she has done, but it was equal to the worst I have ever seen from her. It lasted a really long time even without me responding.

Record these outburts on video using your phone.

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