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She's mad at ME?

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Slanted posted 11/18/2019 20:56 PM

A month out from discovery. My wife had one PA and two online As, all at the same time a while back. All trickled to nothing a few months ago.

She started out seeing my difficulty. Contrition, transparency, hope.

But something switched. Anger, and more anger. She stepped out because of my shortcomings. So I must pay attention to her needs, immediately. I must stop invading her privacy, immediately. It's not fair to her. I betrayed her by not meeting her needs, and the deeds are equal. Plus online doesn't count. She's giving me the cold shoulder, sending incendiary messages. Expecting me to do the dance. But I can't dance, and I'm too tired anyway.

Anyone else dealt with something like this turn to anger?

I will say this much for it: it makes the emotional truth very clear, and makes equally clear the path that is available. It's just sad, really. Not what I wanted or expected.

[This message edited by Slanted at 10:02 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

layla1234 posted 11/18/2019 21:02 PM

More eloquent posters will be along in a moment, but NO. There's so much wrong with this picture.

Slanted posted 11/18/2019 21:06 PM

Yeah. There sure is.

And her IC said stop reading all those books about what you need to do. They're bad for you.

Ripped62 posted 11/18/2019 21:20 PM

Your wayward wife is doing nothing more than blame shifting and trying to portray herself as the victim.

I had one of those as well.

It is very difficult for many wayward individuals to accept who and what they are and try to become something much better.

My experience and opinion is that change by an individual is difficult and rare. It can happen but is not the norm.

Slanted posted 11/18/2019 21:22 PM

I had one of those as well.

I'm sorry to hear it. What did you do? Your use of past tense suggests D, but I don't want to assume!

[This message edited by Slanted at 9:23 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

EllieKMAS posted 11/18/2019 21:27 PM

*raising hand

Yup - my xshitbag did this too. No nyet nein non NOOOOOPE.

I am so sorry. It fuckin blows when the cheaters pull the righteous indignation shit. You are not in the wrong, nor are you wrong to feel hacked off about this. She is still firmly head up ass in cheater mode. Until she begins to accept responsibility for her choices, there is not much you can do.

Her brokenness is in no way your fault.

landclark posted 11/18/2019 22:19 PM

Is it possible she continued the affair, he dumped her and now she’s pissed? Or she’s missing the AP?

Either way, definitely not ok.

Slanted posted 11/18/2019 22:23 PM

From what I saw, the PA guy pushed her away a while back. So it shouldn't be that. I think it's just an extreme aversion to accepting blame. Wouldn't be the first time.

Slanted posted 11/18/2019 22:25 PM

No nyet nein non NOOOOOPE.

Sounds like my new mantra!!

Think I'm gonna turn that into an EDM song and start playing it a lot around the house.

Marz posted 11/18/2019 22:34 PM

She's still in the wayward midset which means you could get to go through this again. She's not safe.

Wake up to your reality.

Thumos posted 11/18/2019 23:00 PM

Nope. Nopety. Nope. Nope.

You’re doing the pick me dance. You got the temporary “regret but not remorse.” You’ve also got a serial cheater on your hands so maybe best to just walk way with your skin intact. This woman is unfortunately the Proverbs 30:20 woman. Read the verse. Let it sink in. Scary how accurate it is, right?

This is your woman. This is who she is. This is who she has always been. Body snatchers didn’t take your real wife away. This is her. She just kept this under wraps and hidden from you for a time. Now it’s out there. Do you want to be married to this woman? Because this is who she is!

Get out of the moral sinkhole she’s trying to drag you into. Shock and awe. If she responds, maybe R. But she’ll have to work for it. For years.

You are not obligated to shackle yourself to pain.

So here’s what you do. Better get ready and better move fast....

File. Separation. Do the package of nonnegotiables always recommended — see below. None of it is up for negotiation. All or nothing. This is hard ass time. Don’t go soft or weak. Don’t be swayed by tears or pretty words or sexual favors. Nut cutting time. You’ll find out real quick what kind of person you’re dealing with....

1. Separate now. File for D. Signed separation agreement giving you primary custody of the children, if there are any, based on the emotional duress she's placed them under and behavioral problems you've noted with your kids because of her erratic actions. If you delay on this, you'll get divorce raped bc you stayed with her (and courts will consider that forgiveness).

2. Expose the affair to her immediate family. Tell them in no uncertain terms this is why you are separating, that she's continuing to be untruthful and unremorseful, that she exposed you to STDs, that she's blameshifting and gaslighting you. Tell them you understand blood is thicker than water, and that you've given your WW a very precise list of things she will need to execute if there's any hope of reconciling with you.

3. Access to her devices, email accounts, social media, everything. No nonsense from her about "privacy" -- if she wants to help you heal, then privacy ends. She must hand them over willingly — and you will use retrieval software to download everything that's been deleted (use Fonelab). Again, this is non-negotiable. Not up for debate. She either does it or you walk. Don't screw around with this or get in an involved circular discussion with her. It's "Hand the phone over right now or we're done."

4. Give her the package of non-negotiables below. This is an all or nothing package. It's a take it or leave proposition. Be ready to walk and mean it with a fervor down to your gonads.

Along with the above actions, here's the package she gets as a take it or leave proposition:

A. Immediate NC with all AP’s and document it. No vague language. She gives you OBS names and you tell them as a sign of respect - they deserve to know.

B. Immediate IC for both of you, preferably with therapists who specialize in betrayal trauma. You are the victim of betrayal trauma now, but that doesn't mean you need to stay a victim. IC is for her to own this and figure out why she's such a fuck up. IC is for you to process and heal. No MC -- too late! That marriage is dead, dead, dead. It doesn't need "counseling." It needs to be buried. A new one could emerge, but only if she works to make it happen.

C. Full STD panel for her and for you. This must happen. Tell her this is what you want and it's not up for debate. If she can't do this minimal thing for your peace of mind, then you need to be quits with her.

D. Written timeline of the entire series of affairs. Detailed, WRITTEN, narrative timeline. This makes her put it in black and white and puts psychic pressure on her. In this case, give her a week to finish it and hand it over. She had plenty of time to screw around, she's got plenty of time to detail her affair in writing for you.

E. Polygraph exam for her tested against the timeline for veracity and truthfulness. Polys are cheap in the long run, about $500 or less. Better accuracy with one single question, but you can ask additional questions for the same price (the accuracy goes down a little bit with each added question, however). Polys are accurate. The FBI, U.S. Senate, intelligence community and military all use them for a reason. The poly is also a tool to exert tremendous psychic pressure on her to come clean. You'll read a lot here about the proverbial parking lot confession. It's not cruel, it's rational and smart. You need to be rational, cold and smart right now.

F. Moving forward, a post nuptial agreement for you to protect you from divorce rape in the event of future infidelity. She's demonstrated a worldview callously capable of adultery. Lots of it. Cheaters don't always repeat, but post nups are recommended for a reason.

G She must read and implement How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. No balking, no weaseling, no delays. Then she provides a written plan for how she will implement all of the book's "to do list" immediately.

Lastly, VAR her. You need intel, and she's not a trustworthy person. She’s a shifty bullshitter and serial cheater. Don’t trust a single word out of her mouth.

Thumos posted 11/18/2019 23:03 PM

By the way my WW pulled this righteous indignation and resentment gambit for awhile. It’s a common tactic of bullshitting adulterers. Give it to her with both barrels that she can stow that shit or you’re done.

Thumos posted 11/18/2019 23:05 PM

And her IC said stop reading all those books about what you need to do. They're bad for you.

Utter and complete horseshit. Find an IC who specializes in betrayal trauma, and she either gets with that program or it’s farewell.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:14 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Buster123 posted 11/18/2019 23:08 PM

Your WW is a SERIAL CHEATER and one who still today claims the EAs don't count, so if you stay with her expect more of those not to count in the future, she sees nothing wrong with those. Please dump this proven cheater and liar and don't look back, btw don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Thumos posted 11/18/2019 23:15 PM

I gave you the long version. Buster gave you the short version. I like the short version better.

Buffer posted 11/19/2019 02:16 AM

No! Stop the pick me dance. She has left the marriage. Start the 180’now.
Cancel credit cards checking account etc. get tested for stds.
Make her accountable for her actions. It was her conscious actions to lay with him and EA the others she cannot blame it on u

OrdinaryDude posted 11/19/2019 04:22 AM

She is not a viable R candidate at this time.

You need to see a lawyer or three to explore your options if you have not already done so.

Do NOT accept any blame for her actions, and do NOT apologize for invading her “privacy”.

GoldenR posted 11/19/2019 05:11 AM

And her IC said stop reading all those books about what you need to do. They're bad for you

As many ICs are dipshits when it comes to infidelity, along with the fact that waywards love to lie, there's a 50/50 chance of this being true or she made it up.

Either way, it's horseshit.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:11 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Tallgirl posted 11/19/2019 05:15 AM

She sure is. Crazy isn’t it? This is about her still being in that cheaters mindset. She is in deep too.

Here is my experience with cheater anger....

At first, it was because he was still cheating. This was the worst anger. Then , Some are angry because you’ve taken away their toy at this point.

For my WH, he then started to become deeply ashamed. What a powerful emotion - shame. Totally debilitating if not dealt with. He had done such stellar cheating, he could not deal with it. So he didn’t. He blamed other things. It was me. it was our marriage, I did not love him. Certainly was not him.

While he is still in this anger and shame phase, I think he is near the end. his anger is less. He is less asshole and more person.

He is now starting to take accountability. Moving into remorse. Though I am seeing a desire to run from this ugly past.

He is going to IC. Thank goodness - because whenever he doesn’t feel validated or good enough he reacts with white anger. It is instantaneous. He is learning about why and he is becoming more rational.

Again slanted, do what you feel is right for you. I think looking at the 180 is a good idea. Your wife needs to deal with reality and she can’t see it right now. And yes she is being an asshole.

I read back in some if your earlier posts to remind myself of your story. I see you deleted quite a few of them. I suggest that you do not do that. You are going on a journey. It is sometimes helpful to read your old threads. It gives you insights about yourself. At one point you will start to see healing, and that will feel good.

Have a good today.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:54 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

3rdstrike posted 11/19/2019 05:23 AM

Perfect description of my WW. 2 EA and a PA and none of it would have happened if I was a better husband. She got mean and I danced like a pathetic little puppet. It took me over a year and a lot of humiliating mistakes before I found this site. I started a soft 180 at first and gradually escalated it to where I can finally see her for who she is and I started shopping for lawyers. She changed her tune quite significantly and doesn't remember treating me like shit. Too little, way too late. IHS sucks but we have two kids and we don't make a lot of money.
Do not let her suck the life out of you and don't believe her bull shit. Move quick and be confident. Good luck!

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