SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

Gottagetthrough posted 11/9/2019 05:23 AM

Just curious, and not judging, but why on earth are you so quick to defend this lady?

I’m not sure... maybe it’s because she’s so different than the first OW? She also encourages WH to do things for me... like for my 40th birthday last year, WH screwed up and didn’t do anything. kept telling him I want to go to a fancy restaurant.... etc etc... finally in The summer (many months after my birthday) there was an out of town conference for work and all families went with the attendees- this woman made sure my Wh took me out to that nice dinner and she watched my kids so we could have a nice adult dinner. So I sort of feel like she’s not trying to break up my marriage if she’s doing stuff like that

However a revenge A is never the answer, lowering yourself to the cheaters level. They will never see their betrayal, yet will cry like a wounded banchee if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak.

No worries- I would never have an affair, if only for the simple fact that I feel old and ugly. After my first 10 lb baby, my stomach stretched out horribly. I have even talked to my therapist about how my post baby body affects me emotionally... but there’s no way I’d let anyone see me naked other than Wh! After our first was born he had a little temper tantrum (bipolar episode? Who knows). And said I looked so disgusting . That’s stayed with me and I just feel like no one else would want to be with me. So no revenge affair for me, even though I think, “I wish I could make Wh know how he’s making me feel”

How does her spouse feel about their relationship?

He’s ok with it! My Wh texts him too, And invites him to hang out for guys nights. My Wh says he wants to be friends with the whole family (this woman and her family, plus her sister and briother in law and parents). Recently, He texted the co worker that we should all rent a beach house next summer (co worker and her family, her sister and her family, and coworkers parents, plus us). Co worker said did you forget you’re going to Europe next summer? My hubby said oh yeah, well, let’s do it in 2021.

This is the exact set up his family has every summer. They all rent a lake house together. We are not invited. I really do feel like he’s trying to make these people into his family that’s sort of ditched him. He tells this woman that... he says I think of you and your sister like my sisters who don’t talk to me anymore... he’s opened up to me before and said it bothers him that his family doesn’t talk to him much and doesn’t invite him to things... and that this woman sort of takes his sisters’ place.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:24 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]

annb posted 11/9/2019 06:08 AM

Your husband cheated.

Why is he having personal conversations with a female co-worker?

My husband's affair was with a co-worker. Fourteen years ago. Since that time, the only discussions he has with female work colleagues is about work. Never socializes on the job when female co-workers are involved.

Sorry, I have to agree with the others. This is an EA. Your husband should not be having these conversations with female co-workers.

Honestly, I would not consider her for a godparent.

Flnightmare posted 11/9/2019 06:09 AM

I’m not sure... maybe it’s because she’s so different than the first OW? She also encourages WH to do things for me... like for my 40th birthday last year, WH screwed up and didn’t do anything. kept telling him I want to go to a fancy restaurant.... etc etc... finally in The summer (many months after my birthday) there was an out of town conference for work and all families went with the attendees- this woman made sure my Wh took me out to that nice dinner and she watched my kids so we could have a nice adult dinner. So I sort of feel like she’s not trying to break up my marriage if she’s doing stuff like that

This is a huge red flag for me. This very well could be her attempt at winning your trust and appearing so awesome
and accepting to your husband.

If they want you all to be family and close, why isn’t their communication in the form of a group message with all of you included? Pairing off in twos is not building the closeness he claims to want for you all.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/9/2019 06:43 AM

I sort of feel like she’s not trying to break up my marriage if she’s doing stuff like that

She may very well not be trying to break up your M. She's got her own. That doesn't mean she won't screw your CH.

The MOW in my sitch was helping my fch deal with his marital problems
She was encouraging him to do positive things for me and pur M. Meanwhile, she was planning to give hom a BJ, so...

layla1234 posted 11/9/2019 07:14 AM

Also, some new information that just came to light in my situation:

They commiserated about their relationships. COW told my husband she told her husband she didn't love him anymore and he started trying harder in the marriage. I guess he thought instead of giving me what I asked for and needed so desperately he decided to do that too. He would tell her he needed to stop talking to her and work on us and she would agree and then proceed to wear a sexy outfit to work the next day at which point he couldn't control himself. In his eyes, she was this amazing woman. I even remember he said if I really knew her I would like her.

nekonamida posted 11/9/2019 07:59 AM

GGT, you've talked a lot about what your WH has done and the OW but... What are YOU going to do? What will you do if this OW continues being in your marriage? What will you do if a new OW shows up? Where are your lines in the sand?

I agree with tushnurse. IC would benefit you greatly by giving you the tools to set boundaries and consequences so that you're not stuck in infidelity.

Gottagetthrough posted 11/9/2019 09:24 AM

GGT, you've talked a lot about what your WH has done and the OW but... What are YOU going to do

I don’t know. Im almost 41, have a newborn and 2 other kids, haven’t had a full time job in forever, and we’ve been almost all the way through a divorce. It’s HELL. I don’t want to do that again.

I’m thinking about what would wake ME up- and therapy might do it, but I’ve talked to him about this many times (even today ) and he doesn’t get it or doesn’t care.

BUT- after years of telling him his family treats us like dirt and him denying it... he finally has started seeing that and agrees. So I wonder if there is a way to get thru to him

EllieKMAS posted 11/9/2019 12:03 PM

GGT Take this with a grain of salt because I am cynical and sassy...

This lady is WAAAAAAY out of bounds inserting herself into your marriage in the way she is. Period.

I have a few guy friends at work. We chat about life. We bitch about coworkers that annoy us. We talk about our holidays/weekends/kids/etc. You know what I would NEVER do? I would never tell one of them that he has to take his wife to so-and-so place and make sure you romance her and buy her flowers.... that would be a YUGE overstep on my part. If any of them ever started opening up to me about seriously personal shit like that? I would shut that shit down and tell them they need to go talk to their WIFE about their marital issues. That it is inappropriate for them to speak to me about it.

This OW is a conniving manipulating shitbag IMHO. Smiling to your face and acting like a "friend" while actively encouraging your ch (who already has seriously shitty boundaries) to cross lines he should NOT be crossing. Don't for a second think "She would never cheat". The Titanic was also unsinkable if memory serves and we all remember how that turned out.

You said you were nearly divorced - what stopped it? I know that is a daunting and scary prospect. But isn't it scarier to think of going through infidelity again? Having been through it once, I can definitely say I never have any desire to revisit it.

Gottagetthrough posted 11/9/2019 13:21 PM

You said you were nearly divorced - what stopped it?

Wh has bipolar 1. He was manic the last affair. We didn’t know that he was bipolar at the time. I filed in 2010 and he was a beast the whole time. He basically “won” the divorce (we’d been in court several times for custody issues) and could have ow around my kids. He said when he realized he’s gotten everything he wanted and still wasn’t happy, that I wasn’t the problem. He went to a psychiatrist and got on lithium and turned around in 2 weeks- apologizing, etc.

He left ow and we were separated for another two years. He did all the right things. It was hard because I was court ordered to stay in an area we’d just moved to two months before shit hit the fan. I had no friends or family. OW moved all of my furniture and kids toys, etc out of our rental house and left a family picture ripped up, she took the side with wh and kids and left the side with me on the fireplace mantel. It was constant mind fucks.

I went from living in a nice middle class house in the suburbs to a crummy apartment where there were three armed robberies in a week once. My finances were awful. I was in a car accident during that time and it totaled my car- I was without a car for almost a year because I couldn’t afford a new one.

When Wh started trying to get. Back together with me, id use him for his car... sometimes he’d have to drive back to his hometown and stay at his mom’s house (if he didn’t have enough money for a hotel room). Once he did that for two weeks and I remember doing one major food shop thinking, “ok... what will last til he comes back... IF he comes back...”. (I was still court ordered to stay in the town where we’d just moved)

I don’t want to go Back to that. We have a nice life now. We’ve come Back from Our financial problems. We have a nice home. We are not spending time and money fighting each other in court.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 1:23 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/9/2019 21:24 PM

That is so tough! It's heartbreaking. I know what that's like, having kids and being essentially destitute. That's one big reason I didn't walk out on dday1. I didn't want to go back to that disadvantaged life, especially with even more kids!

You are in such a vulnerable state right now. Do you have anyone close who can be a support for you? What is the significance of talking to your CH about therapy helping you? You don't need his permission or his accompaniment. You can go by yourself for yourself.

Something I learned a long time ago is, if I change what I'm doing, the situation and relationship has to change even if the other person doesn't. You don't need him to work with you to change your relationship. Ypu can do that all by yourself.

The1stWife posted 11/10/2019 03:04 AM

I’ve been through that. It does deeply hurt me when he deletes her texts or when I see a text of him saying, “I’d be fortunate for my daughter to grow up as wonderful as you “

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Your marriage appears to be a series of lying and cheating by him.

Being a doormat is not in your best interest. I lived your life. My H had a 4 year EA he denied. The OW pretended to be my friend and was madly in love with my H. He was not in love with her but enjoyed the attention. He stonewalled me for 4 long years on this. It finally ended. Completely rugswept.

I suspect he had EAs with other coworkers and business contacts. The last one ended when his “friend” was informed (by him) he cheated on me (second OW). She ghosted him. Good for her!!!!

His behavior finally stopped when (after his second affair wherein he loved the second OW and wanted a D) I told him I had no choice but to D him. He’s a much better H now with boundaries. He finally got it. We have a great marriage now. But it took me asserting myself and taking back my power in this marriage and re-defining our marriage to get there.

Your H is bipolar. Doesn’t give him license to cheat. Doesn’t give him license to betray you again and again.

The “friend” being godmother? Hell no!!! You need to contact her (politely) and tell her your H asked without consulting you and you prefer family members and someone in your religion as a godparent.

Stop allowing him to run amok with no consequences. He doesn’t like the fact you stood up to him and reversed his godparent decision? Too darn bad!!! Let him suffer. Let him be miserable.

He will push back on you. If I learned anything it was that I allowed my marriage to get into a situation where I was a doormat and only I could change it.

You need to lay down some hard and fast rules if he chooses to stay married. Once broken - the marriage is over. You deserve better. You don’t need to put up with his poor treatment and disrespect.

Get your plan B in place.

And FYI my H now knows I will no longer take his crap and will D him in a heartbeat. He chooses to stay married but on my terms. New marriage and new rules.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:14 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]

bookworm19 posted 11/10/2019 05:13 AM

I'm sorry I have to agree with many posters, he is having an EA, the coworker is not a "sister", she is a snake (sorry real snakes).

BUT- after years of telling him his family treats us like dirt and him denying it... he finally has started seeing that and agrees. So I wonder if there is a way to get thru to him

I don't know how to say this gently: is there a way to get thru to you? You see the red flags, you just decide not to notice them. Waiting for him to get it, to change, whatever… Please wake up, he is in the middle of getting an affair.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/10/2019 09:25 AM

He would tell her he needed to stop talking to her and work on us and she would agree and then proceed to wear a sexy outfit to work the next day at which point he couldn't control himself. In his eyes, she was this amazing woman. I even remember he said if I really knew her I would like her.

I had a similar experience, although I don't think my fch ever said he needed to stop talking to the MOW. She was helping him work on us. Part of that "help" included sending him naked pics and telling him all the sexual things she would do to/for him that I didn't. Because, somehow, having sex with him would help him reduce conflict in our M. Yeah, that worked out well for him.

GGT, I agree with everyone else that you need to stop trying to get through to your CH. As long as you keep trying, he knows he's got you hooked and can do whatever he wants. At the very least, I think you need to 180. You need to emotionally detach from this man. Take care of yourself and your children until you can leave. Start getting your ducks in a row, as they say. Staying so the kids have mom and dad every day isn't healthy for them if the M isn't healthy.

Charlotte77 posted 11/12/2019 06:42 AM

He also asked her to be godmother to our newest baby without my ok. And she knew he was asking with out my permission! She texted him, “did you tell Gotta yet?”

In my view this alone is so disrespectful. Surely you should be deciding together who will have this lifelong commitment to your children and involvement in your life.

Chaos posted 11/12/2019 07:18 AM

This woman is not to be Godparent to your baby.

IMHO tell him he either tells her on speaker phone with you listening OR if she shows up to the church you will tell her in front of the minister and entire congregation and make sure they all know it is because of her EA with your husband.

Of course with that option, be prepared to walk out with your precious child in your arms and not look back - because you will very well have to drive directly to an attorney's office.

Sadly, don't be surprised if that's the option he chooses. That's right. HE chooses. HE is choosing a relationship with this woman over his wife. Her husband is a damn fool for going along with it.