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Wh and coworker

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Gottagetthrough posted 11/8/2019 12:24 PM

Wh has a very nice coworker who he says is like his sister. I hate their closeness. She is married and my spidey sense tells me she wouldnít cheat with my husband. I think she is truly just his friend.

Wh- well, we all know his history. He recently told her about his bipolar disorder. He doesnít tell ANYONE about that. I hate it because now she is a sounding board and he can say heís having a hard day because of bipolar... Iím pissed he told her , because I was the only one besides his mom and sisters who knew.

He also asked her to be godmother to our newest baby without my ok. And she knew he was asking with out my permission! She texted him, ďdid you tell Gotta yet?Ē

He has cut a lot of ties with his family. They are not the best to him and he has realized that they treat him badly. He tells me this coworker and her parents and sister are like his family. He tells THEM that. He wants to hangout with them and have me hang out with them... it reminds me when he wanted me to be friends with OW so Iíd let our kids visit him at her house. (He said she was only his landlord)

Damnit. I almost want to have an affair and hurt him like he hurt me, so he knows what itís like to feel this way. So heíd be more understanding.

landclark posted 11/8/2019 12:31 PM

He also asked her to be godmother to our newest baby without my ok. And she knew he was asking with out my permission! She texted him, ďdid you tell Gotta yet?Ē

Good friend or not, this is a big no for me. Itís disrespectful to not include you in the decision.

layla1234 posted 11/8/2019 12:57 PM

This is an EA and your WH should know better.

EllieKMAS posted 11/8/2019 13:08 PM

This is an EA and your WH should know better.

Unfortunately I agree 1000%.

This is a full blown emotional affair and is inappropriate in the extreme for any H, much less a cheater. And no - this lady is not just his 'friend'. Think of YOU - would you be ok with a work friend of the opposite sex asking YOU to be godmother to his new baby without telling his wife? I bet you wouldn't.

I would put the kibosh on this asap. EAs turn into PAs more often than not.

I am so sorry he is doing this to you again.

Gottagetthrough posted 11/8/2019 13:46 PM

Good friend or not, this is a big no for me. Itís disrespectful to not include you in the decision

He did ask me several times if she could be godmother, and I said I had to think about it. I prefer family to be godparents because friends come and go...

She is also not our religion. So I sort of donít understand making her godmother since you have to agree to help raise the kid to believe in rules of our church...

I do feel like itís an EA. Can you have an EA without any sexual attraction?

Iwantmyglasses posted 11/8/2019 13:53 PM

What do you plan to do here? This is an EA. I think you will need to prepare divorce papers. He doesnít get it or care.

Iwantmyglasses posted 11/8/2019 13:54 PM

What do you plan to do here? This is an EA. I think you will need to prepare divorce papers. He doesnít get it or care.

RedHeadTemper posted 11/8/2019 13:58 PM

Nope. To me that's cheating.

Gottagetthrough posted 11/8/2019 15:30 PM

I think first counseling might be helpfully, this is tough because i really believe the coworker is a nice person who would not cheat. I feel like my Wh gets crushes on women and then after a few months they are gone... I donít see this becoming a PA- I can see it staying an EA for a long time though.

A weird side note- the coworker was recently diagnosed with MS. My Wh couldnít handle that. He is very selfish and needs someone to take care of him, he would not be supportive of someone with a serious illness .

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:34 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

nekonamida posted 11/8/2019 15:42 PM

GTT, you have posted about this before, right? Didn't the replies all point to EA then too? The issue here isn't who the OW is or whether your WH could take things to the next step with her or not. The issue is that you've repeatedly been uncomfortable with their friendship and your WH has repeatedly brushed you off about it. What happens when the next work crush comes along and this new OW wants to take it further? Only your WH can address this and do the work to prevent a future affair no matter what happens with this particular coworker.

Will counseling really help your WH see this as an issue and see the need to fix it? Imagine this was a full fledged PA. Do you think counseling would help a WH stop cheating with the OW while he's still in the A? Probably not. Can you accept sharing your WH on an emotional level?

IntoTheFray posted 11/8/2019 16:46 PM

" I feel like my Wh gets crushes on women and then after a few months they are gone... "

Yeah, so did mine. He always made friends with women more easily than with men and he just about always had a 'crush'. I didn't want to be the asshole or jealous wife who made things uncomfortable for him at work with his coworkers, so I accepted the giant mindfuck of my husband openly mooning over other women for almost 20 years. Yup, even joked about him preferring blondes - I can still remember the horrified look my SIL gave me when I revealed that particular shit sandwich and how small I felt when I waved it off as if it was nothing, when in reality it tore me apart.

It didn't matter, because he would never cheat on me, right? Until the right (wrong) woman came along that offered herself to him on a silver platter and no, she wasn't blonde, her hair was as black as her heart. It's all about boundaries. If they insist on crossing that one time after time, they are not safe.

Gottagetthrough posted 11/8/2019 17:05 PM

Can you accept sharing your WH on an emotional level?

Heís so closed off that I donít feel like he opens up to me let alone anyone else. I guess this Is why it bugs me he told this person about his bipolar. That was something he could talk to me about... now he can talk to her about it, too.

Gottagetthrough posted 11/8/2019 17:15 PM

Into the fray- yeah, I hear what youíre saying. The ow 10 years ago (PA, he left me for her). She was unfortunately a sick woman who had mental health issues and enjoys breaking up relationships. She said the right things to Wh and they were together for a year.

This woman is not like that. She, I donít think, would not cheat on her husband. I think my Wh crosses boundaries a lot.

I donít know what Iíll do. Divorce is hell. Iíve been through that. It does deeply hurt me when he deletes her texts or when I see a text of him saying, ďIíd be fortunate for my daughter to grow up as wonderful as you ď

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/8/2019 18:59 PM

Heís so closed off that I donít feel like he opens up to me let alone anyone else.


That's how I felt about my fch, too. Meanwhile, he was opening up and telling an OW all of his innermost thoughts and feelings. It was just me he was closed off to.

layla1234 posted 11/8/2019 19:04 PM

I thought the OW wouldn't cheat on her husband either. They were only married for a year. Guess what, she did. We all thought we knew our spouses, the most important people to us wouldn't do it. I'll never underestimate people again.

Gottagetthrough posted 11/8/2019 19:24 PM

Oh no... I am not sure Wh wouldnít cheat on me again. I donít think this woman would be the ow. But he has serious boundary problems

EllieKMAS posted 11/8/2019 20:29 PM

It does deeply hurt me when he deletes her texts or when I see a text of him saying, ďIíd be fortunate for my daughter to grow up as wonderful as you ď

Houston, we have serious RED FLAGS.

Why is he deleting her texts? That does not sound innocent to me.

And yeah, I wouldn't trust her one inch GGT. She is happily allowing him to cross boundaries and from the sounds of it actively encouraging him to do so. Sounds like definitive other woman material to me. Just my 0.02.

Just curious, and not judging, but why on earth are you so quick to defend this lady?

tushnurse posted 11/8/2019 21:21 PM

Gotta honey I think you have some serious thinking to do.
Based on his shit behavior in the OT post and this it is very clear to me that he is not a safe partner for you or a good parental partner for your kids.
I know you are fresh post partum but sister this is NOT acceptable behavior. neither is what you posted in OT. HOWEVER if you accept and allow it then nothing changes.

Please get yourself into therapy and figure out what you are willing to accept. For me none of this is acceptable.

Marie2792 posted 11/9/2019 03:18 AM

Iím sorry he is doing this to you again. Iím worried about your perception of this situation. That the coworker wouldnít cheat on her husband isnít keeping your marriage safe. Your husband has poor boundary issues and is in an active EA.

Can you be in an EA without sexual attraction? Absolutely. Itís emotional, a connection that the cheater feels is in the heart and mind. Very gently, this appears to me like you are trying to deny what it is.

The woman had recently divulged her MS...your WH couldnít or wouldnít be able to care for her. Honey, this loaned it sound like youíre plan B. Youíre healthy and need no special maintenance so he will stay with you rather than leave for her.

This is a mess of red flags all over the place. If he doesnít get some help, heís going down the road again. Honestly, I donít think heís interested in getting help. Iíd start lining my ducks up if I were you.

Buffer posted 11/9/2019 04:30 AM

Hi Gottagetthrough,

Never believed we are like brother and sister bull shit That is just an excuse!!

I don't know what the communication is like with hubby, but what is gong on is clearly a EA on Hubby's behalf. Using various rouses to remain in contact or as an excuse to contact this woman on a regular basis both at work as well as outside.

However a revenge A is never the answer, lowering yourself to the cheaters level. They will never see their betrayal, yet will cry like a wounded banchee if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak.

Keep talking to him how this is uncomftable and making you uneasy. This isn't good for your relationship. tel him this over and over until he gets it. How does her spouse feel about their relationship?

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