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Jameson1977 posted 11/1/2019 14:34 PM

I agree with Kingrat. I am a BH and drank heavily for 6 months post dday. It did nothing but cause more problems. When you are emotional and drink heavenly, it magnifies negative emotions. I dont think I was an alcoholic, but it was sure heading that way.

This is no way to live for you, him or your kids. I'm very sorry, but at 3 years from dday, you two should be farther along. Healing does take work from both parties.

pinkpggy posted 11/1/2019 14:36 PM

Hikingout- I've said all those things 100x. He won't agree. He said he's not giving up drinking. Period.

I've brought up this conversation sooooo many times. What can fix the unhappiness? To him there is no fix.

I don't share that viewpoint. I'm not willing to be miserable because someone else wants me to.

Rustylife posted 11/1/2019 14:36 PM

I think your guilt has kept you in a marriage that was failing even before the affair. Same as it is for any BS, the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Are there any material gains for you in this relationship? If not, then 3 years of punishing yourself is enough. Not like you've kept your kids insulated from this shit. They are suffering as well. You might be at fault, but the kids are faultless.

Sometimes what's broken cannot be salvaged. I won't wish permanent misery for any of the posters here. Be graceful to him if you still feel this overwhelming guilt but removing yourself from this toxic marriage is for the best for everyone. Maybe your presence is what's driving his anger and drinking. Or maybe that's just a cheap excuse. Let him figure it out. You have done what could be done.

hikingout posted 11/1/2019 14:39 PM

Hikingout- I've said all those things 100x. He won't agree. He said he's not giving up drinking. Period.
I've brought up this conversation sooooo many times. What can fix the unhappiness? To him there is no fix.
I don't share that viewpoint. I'm not willing to be miserable because someone else wants me to.

Then he leaves you no choice, Pink. I wish I had a better answer than that, but you can't work with that. If you have given him every opportunity, you have done what you can do. I am sorry, because I don't think it's what you want, but both ways you turn it's not what you want and only one choice allows you to make any change, and that's to be on your own.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:40 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

EllieKMAS posted 11/1/2019 14:52 PM

Pink - the alcoholism is a completely separate thing from the A. One did not cause the other in either case.

My mom was a raging alcoholic, and I enabled her behaviors and bailed her out for years. It finally hit a point where the negative impact to my existence outweighed all other considerations. In Al-Anon (which I highly recommend you look into) they call this the 'dropping the rope' moment. The moment when you stop trying to manage the drunk's issues. You stop trying to love it out of them, or fight it out of them, or logic it out of them. Because the truth is - YOU CAN'T. Nothing you do or say is going to make him 'wake up'. And when you love an alcoholic, that is such a hard truth to face.

He has to hit bottom. He has to reach a point in his own self where continuing the behavior is no longer acceptable to him. You can't make him hit bottom, the best you can do is decide in your own soul if his behavior is acceptable to you or not. That decision is one no one else can help you with. And the only help I can offer to you is to say that it is OK if you can't deal with it anymore.

Ugh my heart hurts for you. Alcoholism is such a horrible disorder. It kills everything good in the alcoholic and sucks the life out of their family.

Please take care of YOU. And your kids. That is all you have a responsibility for at this point.

DevastatedDee posted 11/1/2019 15:31 PM

Yeah, Neanderthal is right on. I lived with an addict and be it drugs, alcohol or whatever else, an active addict is not someone available for a relationship. Your husband's thought processes are too fucked up right now for you to work with and it sounds like this is nothing new. I am not at all saying that the infidelity didn't crush him like it does everyone else because I'm sure it did, but being an alcoholic, he now has that as a perfect excuse to continue drinking and behaving however he wants and treating you however he wants for as long as he can. He isn't trying to heal partly because healing removes his ironclad excuse to drink and verbally abuse you. He may have a chance at sobriety if you remove yourself as his emotional punching bag. That's almost beside the point, though. You and the kids have a chance to heal if you remove yourself as his emotional punching bag.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/1/2019 15:49 PM


Look at it this way.

Your BH IS cheating on you..... with alcohol.

From a WS perspective, can a marriage be saved if the Cheater keeps cheating?

You know the answer.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/1/2019 15:54 PM

I guess my question of help-
What more can I do to help him?
Am I not doing enough?
Am I crazy for thinking at this point we should have more progress.
Are my expectations unrealistic?

Is there really any way forward?

- Force him to end his affair with alcohol

You are allowing him to use your cheating as a crutch. You no longer cheat, you cleaned up that mess

You should be farther along

Your expectations are not unrealistic ( this is a BS in limbo saying this!)

As long as he keeps drinking, the marriage starves.

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 3:54 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

godheals posted 11/1/2019 17:06 PM

Sorry if someone said this already. I donít have time to read everything. But he needs to fix the drinking problem first in order to fix the infidelity and M part. Sounds like his hiding behind the drinking to avoid the issues in the M.

Nothing will get better unless his drinking is address. That might leave you to make the hard choices of his not willing to get help with the drinking.

Sometimes hitting rock bottom for someone is a huge wake up call to fix the problems in their life.

BeyondRage posted 11/1/2019 17:21 PM


I do not know your whole story but it sounds like he doesn't want to do ANYTHING to recognize you wanted to become the safe partner and he feels as long as he gets no help he is justified in what he is doing.

I think a lot of times people refuse to take the steps necessary to force them to make a decision.

He keeps accusing you but probably will refuse you taking a polygraph test because if he is proven wrong and you pass then HE must make a decision. much easier to keep boozing and being angry.

You cannot live your life indefinitely under these conditions. You know that.

What is holding the two of you together?? Kids, finances???

It is very difficult to help someone who refuses to help themselves.

From what you have said, you have what is required to earn at least a chance.

But you are the one who has to make the move. It does not sound like he is going to move past status quo

Sadwife53 posted 11/1/2019 18:00 PM

BS here.
My WS was a high functioning alcoholic for at least 20 years of our marriage- never falling down drunk, but drunk most nights. It wasn't until I told him it was the alcohol or me, and meant it, that he got help. My biggest regret in life is not making that decision earlier. My denial and weakness hurt my children- two of which developed life threatening addiction (thankfully in recovery now).
If he's hiding alcohol he is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will only get worse.
Alcohol fills you with self pity and resentment. If he keeps drinking he will NEVER heal.
He is miserable in his addiction. He may not stop if you leave, butit's unlikely he will ever stop if you stay. If you love him, the best thing you can do for him is to be strong, give him the ultimatum and mean it. That will at least give him a chance at a happy life.

pinkpggy posted 11/1/2019 18:56 PM

BeyondRage- thanks for the reply. I have followed your entire thread as well and I admire how you have handled yourself and your situation. I read through several replies and thought how I wish my outcome would have been similar to how you have acted.

What's holding us together I would say is our kids and not wanting them to have a broken home or be shuffled back and forth. They are still in elementary but my daughter will be in middle school next year. I also think the thought of him having to give up half of everything and also be a full time parent even half time makes him unhappy.

I've continued to do the work and be a consistent partner for the past 32 months. I've never wavered. I just don't know how much left I have in me.

BeyondRage posted 11/1/2019 19:48 PM

Thanks for the compliment but having kids your ages make it much more complicated. I also just guessing that when caught you did not quite react like my wife did.

If the 3-5 years that everyone talks about is true , and Iím not sure Iím buying the outside length of time, then youíre still in the model time period.

You sound worn out so I think you need to make a plan if you havenít to prove to him youíre not lying and if he refuses to accept that then you must divorce. There are numerous instances I believe of people not exactly in dynsmicnlove anymore existing and not being miserable in order to do whatís best for their kids

His anger , yelling, I think you can handle. But not with the drinking. That must stop

And you cannot live your life never texting, never being in the same zip code with a male , never going anywhere but the gym, and getting screamed at constantly

II hope at some point you can get him to at least communicate better with no booze.

From the posts of yours I have read you are very thoughtful. I would just be careful with therapists. As pissed as he is now not sure if some therapist telling him he at some way contributed to affaircwould he helpful

Good luck and keep your head up. It ainít over till the fat lady sings

pinkpggy posted 11/1/2019 19:59 PM

Thanks for the compliment but having kids your ages make it much more complicated. I also just guessing that when caught you did not quite react like my wife did.

No I didn't. I lied and continued the affair for 5 more weeks and probably trickle truthed for another 2 months. The APs wife was a divorce attorney. She hired a PI and that was that, we were fully exposed. We never spoke or saw each other again. My husband confirmed all facts and NC with APs wife. I live in a state where there is an Alienation of Affection law and she threatened to sue. The affair died that day.

I think I am emotionally worn out. I keep everything buried because we can't have two adults self destructing. And I'm on high alert for his emotional and mental state at all times.

They say the only way out is through. And I feel I've been through and I still can't see the light.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 8:00 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

JBWD posted 11/1/2019 20:25 PM

So sorry for your situation, Pink!

So many of us here have our own reasons and ways to persist- I SO OFTEN worry Iím being an idiot and prolonging the inevitable. But then other times I have such a clear and convincing image of the future I want and could have been living now... And itís so confusing to dwell on that, knowing that what comes in between is as much unwritten, and may not come to pass.

If thereís one thing thatís constant, itís change. (Sorry for the cliche.) Sending strength and courage your way no matter what change bring to you and your family.

Thissucks5678 posted 11/1/2019 20:30 PM

I think some Betrayed Spouses have a hard time getting unstuck. Maybe itís due to FOO issues, maybe pre-dday issues, I donít know. Me personally, I would not stay in this marriage. I donít think anyone should stay in a marriage where they are this unhappy for this long. Part of the shit sandwich the BS has to eat is that we have to take responsibility for healing ourselves eventually once the shock of dday is over. If we refuse to do that - we wonít heal. The WS canít do it for us. You can help by doing all of the right things - but we have to a lot of work to do on ourselves.

Iím been reading your posts for a long time. I know itís just one side of the story, but I think itís time for you to move on. I know thatís easier said than done - but I think it will be best for you and your kids in the long run. It sounds to me like youíve done all you can.

BeyondRage posted 11/1/2019 20:35 PM

Ok. Youíre not the first one who kept affair going and TTd . Some a hell of a lot longer .
But at this time he knows all the facts and it appears there is no real threat of breaking NC.

Donít answer this one if youíre not comfortable but despite the drinking and yelling are you two able to have some normalcy in intimacy?? If so itís way past HB stage so any of the emasculation should be dissipated .

If I were you and I could afford it I would take yourself to a pony examiner , tell him youíre doing it, and ask him what he doesnít believe. The examiner can help you formulate the questions but one simple one is

ď Has Pink had any sex with any men other than hubby and AP since marriage Ē

Second question is

ďDoes Pink have any electronic communication ď or apps that hubby does not have access to ?

You may have already done this. If so I apologize.

Since he refuses any other help if he rejects this then at some point when you get worn out enough you may need to make a decision

Do you have a support network in place?

pinkpggy posted 11/1/2019 21:04 PM

I think we are far beyond the stage of him not truly believing I that I no longer have contact with the AP. My affair was 4 months long. It's now been 32 months since then. It's more of something to throw at me at this point. It rattles me and let's him pick at a scab and something to throw back at me if I comment on drinking or voice displeasure. This isn't something that comes up at the dinner table...its said in an antagonistic way, when alcohol is involved.

ETA- sex is few and far between and I have to initiate. He isn't interested.

I have family and friends I can reach out to. I mostly just keep all this to myself. After almost 3 years, no one wants to hear it anymore.

And let's say I took and passed a poly. He would accuse me of rigging it or fucking the examiner to pass. He accused me of using SI to meet men and that it's probably a dating site. There is no right way for me to do things.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:17 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

BeyondRage posted 11/1/2019 21:31 PM

Sounds like the affair was exposed to people you both know.
If you took the poly tell him youíre taking someone he trusts, relative, etc . That takes away the objection that youíre fucking the examiner

You know, Iíll probably get shit for saying this, but sometimes BH makes reconciliation hard or impossible . Thereís a thread on here that you have probably read called Avoiding Relase
WW breaks NC, relapses into more sex , and BH puts head in sand and says heís ďdisappointedĒ . No anger or action or consequences. Your BH is in my opinion , is for whatever reason refusing to take any action to be ďall inĒ on R. That does not mean putting aside his anger but youíre young. If he does nothing different itís only a matter of time before something not good happens

thatcantbetrue posted 11/2/2019 03:17 AM

You know, it's a dealbreaker for him and it's not on him to do work he doesn't want to do as a result. You can do that.

But I will say that I wouldn't have been doing good either, if:

- my WS expected to be rewarded for his affair. You said you hoped things would be better than they were before your affair. Why don't you murder a few people on the side too, to make your life greater?

- Family and friends knew what my WS did, and were very supportive. At the end of the day you cheated on him for a long time and everyone says he's the bad guy. Jeez, I wonder why it's difficult to cope. You could have, 'y'know, told the people who support you to shove it.

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