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Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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tbkjcn posted 6/11/2020 20:05 PM


Got an alert 7:00am yesterday while sitting on my back deck watching the hummingbirds and enjoying the nice morning weather that a node fed via microwave about an hour away was down....

This was the first thing I found laying on the floor

You might recognize it better in the "before" picture:

Apparently lightning hit quite close by, but not our dish, it came in the AC mains:

It cooked the UPS, the microwave radio power supply and a few other minor things, but didn't get the fiber distribution switch. It arced from the AC power bar to the cabinet, and from there arced onto the emergency cat5 management cable the radio, which was coiled on the side of the cabinet (first picture). Outside the building it was stopped by the lightening arrestors, but not before totally destroying all the wiring and power cable that goes up the tower to the radio.

and melting the aluminum-clad fiber feed to the dish -- the aluminum cladding got so hot that it melted the fiber inside.

Today the tower climbers brought down the radio, which checks out fine. Saturday it will go back up, and all the cabling from the cabinet inside, through the underground conduit and up to the top of the tower will get replaced and the radio re-installed. There goes my weekend

Oh, and BTW, 5 years since the divorce, and pretty much 2 years before.....

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 8:18 PM, June 11th (Thursday)]

Incarnate posted 6/11/2020 23:48 PM

Yikes, tbkjcn. That lightning sure didn't screw around.

Incarnate posted 6/12/2020 10:36 AM

So, on the 3rd, my uncle was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. That night, he suffered a cardiac arrest and his heart stopped for 7 minutes and he fell into a coma. They got his heart started again, but he didn't wake up. He was intubated, and they tried three times to take him off of it, but he would not start breathing by himself. A neurologist came, I think they did an MRI or something (I wasn't there), and when his heart stopped, he has a massive stroke that more or less destroyed his brain.

They took him off of life support yesterday, after 8 days, and he passed.

He was diagnosed with leukemia a few years back, but was doing okay before he got sick. Then the pneumonia just took him. It was so incredibly fast.

I feel like I should be breaking down, like I should be feeling or showing it more. This man was a part of my entire life. Even when he was struggling with drugs and alcohol, he didn't have a mean bone in his body. He kicked the drugs and stopped drinking cold turkey about ten years ago, and he retained his incredible kindness. He was a part of every holiday and was a huge male role model while I was growing up.

But I don't feel like I'm going to break down. I just feel tired, quiet, like I want to sleep. I've seen people die before, I've been first on the scene of car wrecks, I've been present for logging/forestry accidents, but this is the first time someone I'm really close to has died. It's been a day and I really don't know what to feel.

My grandfather drove in from out of state today. I'm going to go meet with him and the rest of my family at my mother's house. My ex can deal with shit here today. This is more important than she is.

sisoon posted 6/12/2020 12:56 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I urge you to not judge yourself for how you're responding - personally, I think remembering how important he is to you is a fine tribute. Besides, denial is the first stage of grief.

My condolences to you, your family, and especially your grandfather.

tbkjcn posted 6/13/2020 15:03 PM

My sincerest condolences for your loss. I agree with sisoon, grief is personal and there's no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve.

HeartFullOfHoles posted 6/15/2020 00:59 AM

Condolences Incarnate. Given everything you are dealing with your reaction certainly could be different than normal and normal may show up down the road. Make sure you give yourself some compassion.

I hope it didn't take all weekend to get things working again tbkjcn. It's amazing the energy mother nature can send our way. My guess is your tower is better protected than the mains.

NeverTwice posted 6/15/2020 09:18 AM

Betrayed Menz only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:27 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

Tred posted 6/19/2020 14:40 PM

Just dropping in to say Happy Friday Menz! Just cracked a beer and I'm fixin to do some manly stuff. Or help the wife fold laundry, whatever she wants me to do.

HeartFullOfHoles posted 6/20/2020 11:56 AM

Happy Saturday Tred. Spent a very extended happy hour with my mother in her back yard yesterday. We talk every week, but I don't think I had seen her in person since Christmas at my house. If only for one evening, it was nice to have some normal in my life!

Yah, I have cleaning the house, shopping and food prep for tomorrow on my schedule for today.

Hopefully you can get some golf in this weekend.

sisoon posted 6/20/2020 15:33 PM

I did a load of laundry today, too. I've got to do another, but I'll put it off until tomorrow. Maybe my W will do it in honor of Father's day.

Tred posted 6/20/2020 16:48 PM


Unfortunately no golf this weekend. Tomorrow is our 23rd anniversary and we'll probably just chill and do yard work and gardening. This will actually be the first anniversary in 7 years that I haven't golfed, as my club's member guest is always this weekend. However, due to the COVID 19 situation it's scheduled for September now. Anniversary has always been wife drops me off at the club, I golf and drink, and she comes and picks me. What's not to love? So we don't worry about that one milestone day, we like to put effort equally into all 365.

I did get her a new purse, so I'm not all bad. A J.W. Hulme legacy handbag.

HeartFullOfHoles posted 6/20/2020 17:50 PM

Too bad on the golf.

So we don't worry about that one milestone day, we like to put effort equally into all 365.
As it should be.

Here's to a wonderful weekend and finding something worth drinking in the fridge or cupboard!

LosferWords posted 6/24/2020 16:54 PM

Dammit! I missed the timing on a Tred appearance!

How is everyone?

tbkjcn - thanks for keeping the networks going!!!

How are you, Incarnate? Sorry about your loss, man.

Butforthegrace posted 6/24/2020 19:12 PM

Has anybody heard from Machiavelli88 lately?

Incarnate posted 6/25/2020 05:03 AM

I have not heard from him. I am horrible about keeping up and checking in with people.

I have been hard at work in my woodshop. I've brought in close to $3000 in the last month just working on the side, custom making furniture and fences and whatnot for people. Not a huge amount of cash, but nice, and I like the work. Losing my uncle at the beginning of this month really stopped me dead in my tracks, but I've been picking it back up.

I've also been seeing a woman... and that is its own sort of... thing. I posted a thread in New Beginnings, but I'll crosspost it here because I want opinions and feedback from other Betrayed Men. It is, as many of my posts are, longwinded, so, hold on to your nuts, here we go.

So, I'm not in what I would call a serious relationship by any means. We met for the first time face to face on June 10th. We've been texting and chatting for about a week and a half longer, so just a shade over three and a half weeks at this point. We matched on a dating app, and hit it off conversationally, and managed to meet for lunch.

She's totally not my usual physical type. She's a little big bigger of a girl when I normally go for petite ladies, and she is literally the first woman I have ever dated that is younger than me (most of my girlfriends (and my cheating STBXW) were all older than my by a year or two. I'm a few years older than the lady I'm dating now.

She was incredibly nervous when meeting me, but we both agreed that we'd like to have more dates like that.

On the 17th, she invited me to her house to watch a movie. We made it a game of me finding the right part of town based on clues in our conversations, and I was close. We sat on her couch and watched a movie while snuggling (Lucky Number Slevin, good film, all star cast, I recommend it), and then just talked for two more hours. On the way out the door, there was that moment, that pregnant pause, where we both stopped, held each others's eyes for a minute, and it felt right, so I went in to give her a quick kiss. Before I could, though, she ducked her chin down and just gave me a really close, tight hug instead. I left her place at 2:00 AM feeling like an asshole, like I'd overstepped my bounds. We texted more until about 3:30 and went to sleep.

The next day, she texted me that she HAD really wanted to kiss me too, but she wanted to be up front and honest; the reason why her last relationship ended was because her partner cheated, and the way she found out was that she thought she had a horrible strep infection, but it turned out it was oral herpes, brought home by him from an affair partner. I told her I understood and didn't judge her for it, and really appreciated her honesty

Since then, I've been to her place two more times. It's always the same thing; I show up, we chat for too long, then put on a movie and hold each other while sitting on her couch.

I can't even begin to describe what it's like. My ex refused to touch me unless we were having sex, then it was just during the act and then no more. Said the feeling of skin on skin made her uncomfortable. So we never snuggled, we never held hands, she'd never just reach out and rub my shoulder or anything.

This lady reaches for my hand, strokes my arm, leans against me and it's like I'm getting a drink of water when I was dying of dehydration. I can be exhausted from a day in my woodshop, spend the evening with her, and drive home energized. In fact, I got home from her place an hour and a half ago and I'm wide awake at 2:35 AM.


I don't feel a romantic spark for her. Like, I know it's super early (three and a half weeks is nothing), and I know that my understanding of WHAT a romantic spark even IS, is obviously skewed or broken. Totally not in love with this woman.

Like, despite her not being my preferred body type, I would 100% sleep with her if she was willing and enthusiastic. We haven't broached that subject yet, and I am content to wait (hell, it's been over a year now, so who even gives a fuck anymore). Even if it's not full sex, foreplay would be a blast, and I know we'd both enjoy ourselves. She has made it plain that she finds me attractive, and while I don't think she's a supermodel, I am attracted enough to her that it would not be a chore (I know I sound kind of shallow here, but frankly, her physical appearance isn't what is making me attracted to her. No other way to be but honest).

But then there's the herpes thing. I was under the impression for 17 years that my ex had it, and we were just careful; if she looked like she was having a flare up, we didn't have sex. She claims now that she never had it, and that she got tested years ago and was confirmed not to have it; I was unaware of any such test, and she used the excuse of an outbreak multiple times to shut down intimacy. Point is, I whought I was going to be with my ex for the rest of my life, and I was okay with it if I contracted the virus too.

But I've been tested (did the whole gamut after DDay2: Electric Boogaloo) and I am completely free and clear of any STDs. I'd very much like to stay that way, but I can see that we are slowly progressing towards the realm of physical activities. When she rests her hand on my leg, it's closer to the 'finish line.' When we laugh and tease with each other, the joking is getting more risque. When I get ready to go home after our movies, she -wants- to ask me to stay, but I gently suggest that since she has work in the morning, she should get some rest.

She doesn't have an active outbreak right now. Her virus is oral, not genital. I haven't quizzed her on it, of course, because I want to be sensitive to her obvious discomfort on the matter. I am well aware of safety precautions to be taken (condoms, medication, etcetera) in the event that we do become intimate.

If I continue this relationship with this woman, I have no doubt that we will sleep together. At this point, it just seems to be a matter of time before we are both comfortable with it (despite being willing, I'm still not 100% comfortable with the idea of sleeping with someone other than the woman I was married to... it's an alien concept). If I were certain that, right now, I was SURE I would love this woman and spent the rest/most of my life with her, then I wouldn't care.

However... if that is NOT the case, then I'd really rather not bring any hitch-hikers along with me to another relationship. But where's the balance? I don't want to just bail from her as soon as she opened up to me and was honest. I don't want to make her feel dirty or discarded or lesser. I might not -love- her, but I do care about her as a person, and I do like her beyond that. I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I do genuinely enjoy spending time with her.

But like I said, if we do keep this up, eventually, she will ask me to stay over, and I will say yes. And I can (and will) be as careful as possible. But it's still a risk.

This... this is all so very weird and alien to me. I don't know what to do.

Butforthegrace posted 6/29/2020 09:42 AM

Incarnate: You're both rescue dogs. Both wounded by betrayal. It's going to take time on both sides to feel even a skosh of trust, not because neither of you is not trustworthy, but because you are guarding your tender heart. Relax and give it time.

LosferWords posted 6/29/2020 14:42 PM

I agree with Butforthegrace. Sounds like you are pretty much already in the right mindset, though, just taking things slow and being cautious with both your heart and hers. I think the other key factor is being honest about your own feelings, with yourself and with her. Other than that, just take your time and enjoy it for what it is, man!

Tred posted 7/2/2020 23:14 PM

What's up Los! Any plans for the 4th or is it still winter up there?


Had to get a new car, but wasn't planning on it. Son graduated college (virtually from home) back in May, and the day before was commissioned in the Navy (he was on a NROTC scholarship). He's going to Pensacola for flight school, and the car we got him in high school has seen the virtues of being owned by a kid away at college, so my wife wanted to get rid of his 2003 Saab 9 3 convertible 5 speed and give him my 2012 Camry XLE hybrid, which is more reliable. The Saab is low mileage (100k) but it's old and harder to get parts these days. Apparently they agreed to this before my wife said we should get our son a car for graduation. Unbeknownst to me, it was my car. I agreed on one condition: I can get a new car that has everything I want, because my current car does. I'm too old to compromise.


This part is where I was having a beer with you mate. I had found and settled on a reasonable car, but no dealer around could get it for me (I was set on the color and packages). It was the 2020 Camry XLE Hybrid, fully loaded, in their new aquatic mica galactic paint scheme. Car had everything I wanted and more - heads up display, built in wireless phone charger, 360 degree camera view on backup, heated and air conditioned leather seats, I mean the works. But, I couldn't get it. Called the son, and said he'd have to get another car, anything reasonably priced that would get decent gas mileage going back and forth to Florida. He was pretty disappointed because he really wanted the Camry, we've done tons of road trips in it and it's just a comfortable ride. But, wasn't to be. That's when my wife had an idea. I should get a better car. A Mercedes.


So, I look at Mercedes. Turns out they have this AMG model that goes 0-60 in 3.3 seconds. Base price you can look up, but let's just say monthly payments would of been a mortgage. That's before I finished building it up. We are at the neighbors having drinks, and my wife says I should get the Mercedes. We can afford it and I deserve it. And, she is serious. I believe her because she does all the finances and bitches if she doesn't recognize the name of a drink on the club bill because I usually only drink bud lights and she thinks it's a wrong charge. So when she said we could afford it, I believed her. Scheduled a test drive.


Next day, get a call from a Toyota dealer that new the specs I was looking for on the Camry, and they had found the car. Had to put down a large deposit for them to get it just to test drive. 5 days later, they have the car on the lot. First thing I thought was this is the wrong car - it was under cover and looked black, not the deep aquatic blue I was expecting. As we got closer we could tell in the shade that it was just a deep blue, like a navy blue. Pretty enough, and I figured that the color on the car builder probably was affected by the screen resolution of the laptop or something, so we took it for a test drive. Everything I wanted and more, and the best part was once it was in the sun, the true color came out, a deep aquatic metalflake blue that has a hint of green. So that's the new mid life crisis car. It doesn't do 0-60 in 3.3 seconds, but it gets 48 MPG vs 15 MPG, and costs a third less. Best part, son is ecstatic he's now getting the old Camry.


Happy 4th of July Menz! Hope everyone is staying safe and sane. Take the little victories, because there's more of them and there's strength in numbers.

ETA: Anyone want to buy a Saab?

[This message edited by Tred at 11:18 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

LosferWords posted 7/6/2020 14:46 PM

What's up Los! Any plans for the 4th or is it still winter up there?

Oh man, I wish, Tred! I've been dying in this 80 degree heat. My plans for retirement are to move north to a much cooler environment. I am lucky that we get snow in the mountains year round, so there is that. We saw a lot of illegal fireworks off the back deck. Our back yard butts up to a large park, so it was perfect. We let some fireworks off of our own, and I only got one small injury. It was great fun being a totally inappropriate parent. You only live once, as the kids say these days (Or was that a 00's thing?).

Congrats on the new car, and good on your son for getting the Camry! My son still only has his learner's permit, but he has a sweet little 2001 Mustang with a sun roof, CD player, AND tape deck. It has a nice little 6-banger under the hood, so it is a fun little ride. I am folically challenged, but the hair I have left has some nice grays from yelling at him to drive on the correct side of the road. At least he has excellent taste in music and cranks some great tunes while stressing me out.


Notthevictem posted 7/8/2020 23:01 PM

Yo just dropping in. All good? Good. Take care!

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