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Carissima posted 10/24/2019 16:38 PM

DevastatedDee, I agree, was waiting and hoping for someone to say this but no-one did.

Steve, be honest with your wife and yourself, you owe it to her after all you've put through.

Evertrying posted 10/25/2019 11:29 AM

Gently, you liked cake eating and when the AP broke it off, you were upset.

You can't have the security of your home, wife and family AND the "sexiness" of the A.

If you can't love your wife the way she deserves to be loved or be the man she needs, let her go.

Steve23 posted 11/4/2019 12:55 PM

Hi all,

Just back from an IC session. You're all right. I need to let her go. I still love her but not in the way she deserves to be. Despite everything she still loves me, so how do I let her go? How do I tell her I'm not coming home? How do I tell my kids?

I know I need to man the fuck up, she was my first girlfriend, my first love, how the hell do I break this to her.

FYI. I'm not leaving for anyone else.

gmc94 posted 11/4/2019 13:05 PM

You know the answer to this: Man the fuck up.

LLXC posted 11/6/2019 14:22 PM

You strike me as very conflict avoidant. My ex was the same way and it made our breakup far more painful than it could have been.

Tell her that you do not love her as a husband should love a wife and that she deserves that love. And apologize profusely and accept her anger and hurt and rage. And face up to her hurt and confusion, and perhaps, her feeling of humiliation. Deal with it, and talk to your therapist about it.

LLXC posted 11/6/2019 14:25 PM

I just want to add something else. Please be honest with her now. Please do not let her down gently or try to make things easier. She will be more hurt NOW but the recovery time is a lot shorter.

You are being honest with yourself and that is commendable. Just make sure to be honest with your wife and your therapist

BraveSirRobin posted 11/6/2019 14:29 PM

I'm sorry to hear this, Steve, but I'm glad you've finally found clarity. Based on what you've written, I think it's the right call.

Steve23 posted 11/19/2019 16:46 PM

I'm ashamed to say it's taken me this long since my post to talk to my wife or soon to be ex wife I guess, there just hasn't been the right time. But I have. Hardest thing I have ever done, I know I will always love her, just not in the way I know I should. I want her to be happy, I truly do, I just know I'm not the one for her anymore.

I hate myself for not being able to love her the way she deserves to be loved. I hate myself even more for how this will impact my kids, I hope in time they can forgive me.

My wife, has said she will likely move the kids nearer to her parents, I can't blame her, this will be a 2 hour trip for me to see them which absolutely sucks, I want to be in their lives as much as possible.

I often think would this have ultimately been the outcome of our relationship if I hadn't had the affair? Or does an affair just highlight the weaknesses in a relationship? I'm guessing most of you will say it highlights the weaknesses in the individual, which is true, but would anyone really have an affair if they where truly happy in their relationship?

I'm asking somewhat philosophical questions here and no two relationship are the same, or two affairs for that matter.

I want to thank everyone for the messages and advise over the past 18 months, this isn't the outcome I wanted, I do truly wish I could have reconnect with my wife.

Now to sort my life out and become a better man........

Evertrying posted 11/19/2019 17:47 PM

BS here, but I think you had an exit A. You more than likely wanted out before you actually made the decision to cheat. Many A's are just that: A means to get out of a marriage/relationship. Doesn't make it right, it's just what it is.

I also believe there are happy marriages where one spouse cheats. Maybe not as many as there are unhappy marriages, but I think it comes down to a character flaw with someone cheating in a happy marriage. I think there is another character flaw in those that cheat in unhappy marriages, but it's a different kind of flaw.

Have you ever thought that maybe your AP would come back to you if you divorced?

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