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Separation

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Steve23 posted 9/28/2019 13:03 PM

It's nearly 2 weeks since I moved out. We are still texting daily and she says she wants me home in time, but not until I sort my head out and find a way to be happy.

Through the week is OK as I'm at work and interacting with people but the weekends are so tough being alone. I miss my kids so much, I'm not sure if I miss my wife or if I'm just lonely. Having never lived alone it's all new and scary.

I'm not sure I can do any of this anymore

maise posted 9/28/2019 14:14 PM

Hi Steve,

Firstly, I am sorry to hear you're feeling so down right now. Feeling so lonely and afraid while alone is something that I would urge you to get help with in penetrating further. It speaks to something deeper rooted within you that needs to be addressed. Your wife, kids, and people in general have likely been the fillers for you to avoid facing the feelings that are surrounding you now in your aloneness. Are you in IC? What steps are you taking to help you heal and gain self-love?

Steve23 posted 9/28/2019 16:19 PM

maise,

Thanks for the message, I'm seeing my IC next week, will be the first visit since we separated.

To be honest I have just thrown myself into my work since leaving. Probably not the healthiest thing but I so enjoy my job.

Justsomeguy posted 9/28/2019 23:02 PM

The loneliness was a tough one for me, but it has gotten better. I had a tough go if it for a bit...well a year. We were nesting, so I had to find a place to live every second week while the kids stayed in the marital home. Some nights I slept in my car. Got to the point that i would be scoping out places to crash while I drove around. Not a huge deal. Years in the army taught me to be thankful I am not sleeping in a ditch.

I had to get to a point where I was comfortable being with myself. It does happen. I now really crave my alone time. But then I'm an introvert. But really, you need to embrace you. Let you fill the emptiness. Dont rush it. I did and boy did that bite me on the ass!

I bought myself a turntable. Now I go to thrift stores and buy shitty records, bring them home and pour myself a glass of wine. Hell, it's quite an evening. Find your thing. You owe it to yourself.

Steve23 posted 10/3/2019 09:34 AM

Me and my wife are still texting every day and talking now and again.

I know she wants me to come home and part of me wants that too.

I'm just scared i will hurt her again, i have put her through unimaginable pain over the past year with my indecisiveness and inability to commit to her fully.

I don't feel like i deserve to be part of her life after what i have done. I just don't feel its fair going home while, even now i still miss the AP. I have tried to forget and see it for what it was.

It seams silly really, she wants me home and a large part of me wants to go home, but i feel i shouldn't for fear of hurting her again. Is letting her go an act of kindness/love or pure stupidity/self punishment.

I had a dream a few nights ago about her with someone else, raising our kids, it scared me.

This really isn't how i wanted my life to turn out.

hikingout posted 10/3/2019 10:07 AM

Are you still in IC? If so what are they telling you?

Aubrie posted 10/3/2019 10:24 AM

but not until I sort my head out and find a way to be happy
What does this mean? What does happy to you look like?

the weekends are so tough being alone
What are you doing to self soothe?

I have just thrown myself into my work since leaving
Doing this is avoiding the real issue. What is your long term plan?

Why did you move out? To protect your wife, or to punish yourself? What are you attempting to accomplish while out on your own?

Shame is a powerful thing. It'll ruin you if you let it. What are you doing to work thru it?

JBWD posted 10/3/2019 15:11 PM

This really isn't how i wanted my life to turn out.

Gently, this doesn’t matter. All the thoughts in the world of what you expected matter little, and you’ve been here for a while.

Furthermore, if you think YOU’RE far from where you wanted to be, imagine how your wife feels. All to say taking the time to post this is distracting you from what you really need to do- Which is saddle in and actually acknowledge that there’s a decision to be made- Which is continue to “feel bad” for your wife while prolonging her pain with your indecision, OR take concrete steps.

Did you all sit down and spell out exactly what you want from this separation? Without that you’re still just spinning your wheels, just in separate mud puddles instead of the same one. I REALLY think shared understanding is critical to you and your wife finding common goals- Without that you’re not going to stop feeling “bad” (nor should you) because you continue to screw her over with indecision and potentially false hope.

Steve23 posted 10/3/2019 15:46 PM

I met with my IC tonight after my earlier post. First time since we separated.

It was the best session I have had. Instead of talking about the affair and my marriage we only talked about me, my shortcomings, my need to seek external validation and how I have neglected myself and my own happiness.

I feel I have made more progress during that hour than in the past 6 months. We built a plan for the next 2 weeks until we meet again. I'm feeling positive for the first time in a year.

hikingout posted 10/3/2019 15:59 PM

That is wonderful Steve. I think your IC will be able to help you to see that you have taken your void and have named it your AP. I am so happy you have gone, I know I kept pushing you. But, one of the things that my IC uncovered was some of the obsessive unwanted thoughts about the AP were actually OCD in a form and she was able to give me some things to work with. I am glad your IC has given you some homework, things to focus on.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:00 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

DaddyDom posted 10/3/2019 18:17 PM

met with my IC tonight after my earlier post. First time since we separated.
It was the best session I have had. Instead of talking about the affair and my marriage we only talked about me, my shortcomings, my need to seek external validation and how I have neglected myself and my own happiness.

I feel I have made more progress during that hour than in the past 6 months. We built a plan for the next 2 weeks until we meet again. I'm feeling positive for the first time in a year.

This is wonderful, I'm happy for you. It sounds as if your IC is helping you to focus on yourself, your needs, and what is healthy for you. This is so very important. No matter what... whether the marriage survives or fails... you will need these skills to survive and thrive. You cannot love and respect your spouse if you cannot love and respect yourself. And if your marriage fails, then you will have enough integrity and self confidence to get rebuild your life and be happy.

JBWD posted 10/3/2019 18:30 PM

I posted what might still seem a little harsh and then saw your post, Steve.

Fantastic news. Use this as a new building block- The more you understand that your change needs to be motivated by YOU, and that in reality the success of this particular relationship might be best viewed as a happier or sadder outcome OF this change, the better prepared and more resilient you’ll be. This is a dynamic, dirty, and painful process. But the more you see the obligation to yourself to be an integral, intact human being, the better prepared you are for the uncertainty.

Wishing you continued clarity!

Steve23 posted 10/23/2019 15:25 PM

It's just coming up to 5 weeks since I moved out, felt like I was making progress, had the kids for 5 days during the school holidays which was great, but now that they are gone I feel like crap, worthless and struggling to get back into the routine I started. I really miss them.

Been drinking most evenings since they left which I know is a problem. And then to make things worse I bumped into AP on Monday, didn't stop to talk, but it just brings everything back.

The company I work at has an office near my old work which I need to visit at least once a week since I got a promotion. It was only a matter of time before it would happen. I don't know how to deal with that, I'm in a new job I love, great career progression, moved to it to get away from AP but now with the promotion I risk bumping into her. I feel like I will never move forward if I always run the risk of bumping into her.

emergent8 posted 10/23/2019 15:39 PM

Have you informed your wife about your accidental run-in with AP? If not, I would encourage you to do so immediately. She wont like it, it will likely upset her, but it will show her that you are committed to honesty moving forward. These are the steps that build back trust.

It sounds like you already know this is a problem, but I would also encourage you to stop or at least cut back on the drinking. It's not helping anyone. If the goal is to find a way to be happy, you are on the wrong track. I get that this is all new and scary.

gmc94 posted 10/23/2019 15:49 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Gently - this is Wednesday. You "bumped into her" on Monday. If you have not told your BS, do so IMMEDIATELY.

hikingout posted 10/23/2019 15:52 PM

I agree, the bumping into her can be a set back when you have been in an addictive state. I also don't know if you got back together with your wife if she could live under those circumstances either. I am sure it's hard to leave where you were just promoted, but wonder if you could stay short term to show the experience to leverage a job elsewhere?

I also think time on your own can be hard to stay as accountable and regimented. H is traveling again and I am trying to be productive with the time he is gone. I try and make sure I get some of the chores and my running program out of the way so when he is home I am available to him as much as possible. Perhaps, with the kids gone you can tidy up and prepare for their next visit? Exercise would be also a good healthy coping thing that you could try and do now that you have extra time on your hands. It will help you focus on something productive and keep some of the depression at bay. The drinking is a depressant so it will add to your depression, and feed your self pity. The other advantage of exercise programs is they don't pair well with alcohol. I have to time my glass of wine with a recovery day if I have any at all.

I know running into her has really set you back, but you can see that's an addictive thing and not a love thing, right? It's like being on heavy drugs, getting off of them and then thinking you can have some marijuana. It's just going to roll down hill from there.

I am glad you continue to try and post and you are making great progress, celebrate that. And, get yourself some hobbies, exercise things to do that make you forget other things. It's a good meditation and a way to reconnect with yourself and healthier ways to cope over the alcohol.

Zugzwang posted 10/23/2019 15:54 PM

What are you doing to fix the root of your problems and addictions?

Evertrying posted 10/24/2019 13:51 PM

I have been following your story and though your other posts had a stop sign, this thread does not.
I am a BS.

I saw where your AP told you there was no future with her and it ended with NC. I am curious about your split with her as you seem to still want her. Do you think you still desire her because you feel you can't have her?

It seems that a lot of time has passed but you don't feel much better. I have never been a wayward, but I have wanted in the past (before I married) and know the pain it causes. You just seem really tormented and I am sure your wife is as well. My H's A ended right after dday and his feelings for his AP didn't last long thankfully.

If there is no chance for you to be with your AP, what is preventing you from overcoming your attachment to her?

Carissima posted 10/24/2019 15:15 PM

No stop sign, BW here. Two things leapt out to me when reading your previous threads.

Firstly you only want what you don't have. In your earlier thread when you thought you had lost your wife you did a complete 180, all that mattered was getting her back until you got home then it was all about the AP again!

My main thought/belief about your threads is that you keep posting just waiting for people to tell you leave your wife because AP is clearly the better match but for some reason people here kept trying to save your marriage.

DevastatedDee posted 10/24/2019 15:42 PM

My main thought/belief about your threads is that you keep posting just waiting for people to tell you leave your wife because AP is clearly the better match but for some reason people here kept trying to save your marriage.

Not me. I think you should let her go, Steve. I think you know that she deserves better than this. And hey, if you don't really love her, this marriage isn't good for you either. Not every marriage is worth saving. Not every marriage should be saved. You can figure out how to get healthy without being married. Honestly, no woman should ever be begging to get the man who cheated on her to move back home. That's just backwards as hell. She needs time to heal too.

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