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Back slid, ruined things again

Guiltyinky posted 9/10/2019 21:10 PM

After 3 years of winning over the temptations, I reverted to looking at porn last fall. I’d beat back the urges for a month or so, then fall back, then repeat the cycle. The usual “reasons” and the usual kidding myself that I could control it.

Then it got even worse. I ran into someone who knew my AP, asked me how/what she was doing, and I honestly said I didn’t know. But now I couldn’t get her out of my mind, and after a week or so I decided to message her. I was going to apologize to her for getting her fired and blah blah blah. I’m such an ass, and my BW is so hurt AGAIN by my inability to control myself. I messaged in a way that I knew she’d likely never see it, and she never responded, but that’s no excuse and just a rationalization for an awful, hurtful poor decision. Again.

My BW has my passwords and control of my devices, but I sent her right back to the start. I’m going back to my therapist who helped my 4yrs ago, something I should have done last fall. I knew it then, but I had myself convinced I could manage it safely. I’m such a fool, and I’ve just hurt her again.

EvolvingSoul posted 9/10/2019 22:01 PM

Hi again Guiltyinky,

It sounds like you have been white knuckling instead of brain rewiring.

What is it you get out of the porn? Arousal? Easy orgasm? Getting away with something?

What was it you were wanting to get out of messaging you AP? Forgiveness? A positive self-image as seen through her eyes?

And whatever the answers to those questions are, why are those more important to you than your wife's sense of safety and your own integrity? Why is hurting your wife an acceptable price?

How did your BS find out about the porn and the broken NC?

4kids posted 9/11/2019 00:14 AM

No stop sign.

Bs here. Yes. She's been sent right back to the beginning.

Ive been sent back 3 times. If you really want to change now, and if your bs can make it through even one more day, or even one more second of this. Ill try to help you.

If you really want help for her. Ill help all i can.

Ill help if you never want to feel this way again and truly give one shit about what you have done. Few ww do in the end.

Check out every site on the Internet thats speaks about sex addiction. Porn addiction. Me addiction stuff. It can change the brain. After years? You need help. We can help you.

Get some insite. Most husband's strive to not cause such hurt to their spouses, yet someone, here, on this site, someone will help you. For you and your wife.

Check out the reading library, top of this page, left hand side. Cant miss it.

You haven't done the work you should have.

You are not a bad person. You did a bad and wrong thing and now your wife is devastated yet again.

Send your wife here, we will help her while we help you get help too. Its been too long now. We can help your wife. Send her to the just found out forum. You read in the healing library and listen to the long healed men and woman on this site who made the same mistakes as you did.

Are you actually wanting to get help? These people can help you.

Strength

foreverlabeled posted 9/11/2019 06:42 AM

Jeez Guilty, you reached out to the AP? The trajectory you were on I can't help but think what if she messaged you back? How far it could have went.. oh I know it never got to that point and there's probably no use in going there but I'm sure Liz is thinking about it and for good reason. I believe you could have easily started the affair again, would have. When is she going to feel safe with you? Not just feel safe but actually be safe?

That was a lot of time to get comfortable with you again. You had her believing your work was taking place, she could breathe, and then bam! blindsided again. You back slid right off the damn cliff. Hell I think a lot of us believed you too. I noticed your absence here and was hoping you two were just getting better and didn't need us anymore. I didn't expect you were snowballing.

All the IC in the world won't help you if you don't have the desire to make the necessary changes. And then you have to take that desire and put it to use. What good is knowledge if you aren't doing anything with it? I suspect that your IC gave you tools way back when you first started. That you gained insight and understanding. Many things to help you in moments that practicing them rather than ignoring and giving in would have had you well on your way to a more healthier mindset.

ES is right about white knuckling. And for the last year one can hardly call it that. You will need courage and determination to sit through the uncomfortable feelings when you are faced with the option to either work through it or just get past it. When you are faced with something you are wanting to fix taking a passive approach will not cut it. But I know you know this, so the question is why aren't you doing the hard work?

With addictions we only have a split second before we convince ourselves and make the decision to give in. We can prolong that second when we catch it, and are mindful of what is going on. In this very moment is when we begin to feel uncomfortable and the battle in our minds ensues, comfort being a strong opponent. And it will continue to be until we can become just as comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Chaos posted 9/11/2019 07:44 AM

As a BS – and one with multiple DDays [I had false R for a year] – this is my worst fear and the reason I remain detached to date.

I don’t think “back slid” is the correct term. You made a conscious decision - repeated decisions - each one “worse” than the next and dove right in.

I have a few questions for you.

What do you think would have helped you not to act on each of your impulses?

What would you done had AP actually responded?

Why did you feel it worth destroying your BS for a cheap thrill?

I ask not to be cruel, but I don’t think you can actually get on the right path [IC or not] until you are honest with yourself about why you didn’t stay on it – or if you [mentally anyway] ever truly were.

sassylee posted 9/11/2019 16:54 PM

Posting as a member:

I hold your BW in high regard. I read her first post here on SI and most of what she’s posted since. I was shocked at the strength she had while having to continue working alongside the AP and pretending she didn’t know about the affair until you could find a legit way of getting her out of the company. She demonstrated remarkable resiliency and grit and she deserves so much better than this horrific break in trust.

And now that smug, mean-girl OW has a message from you (that she may find one day) that is going to scream “He still thinks of me!!”

Are you sorry for getting her fired? After the way she treated your BW? What were you expecting to happen next? How was this supposed to play out GI?


HellFire posted 9/11/2019 17:32 PM

I read this earlier,and had the same thoughts that sassy expressed.

Your wife faced the OW every day. During the affair, she had to watch OW going in, and out of your office,closing the door,and coming out with that smug smile. She knew. But you denied. It was so incredibly disrespectful.

And now OW will always feel smug. She will always feel you want her, not your wife.

Why in the world did you feel she was owed an apology? What were you really hoping to gain from send that message?

Zugzwang posted 9/11/2019 20:04 PM

Why in the world did you feel she was owed an apology?
YEp

Justsomelady posted 9/11/2019 20:25 PM

Are you in IC? Sounds like you go down some obsessive rabbit holes in your mind, and you sound almost compulsive in your need for the rush/escape/whatever of porn and then you escalated to contacting the AP. Maybe you are a little bit all or nothing in your thinking too, things slid backwards so far with the porn and you felt bad about AP (who doesn’t deserve your pity)... so you reached out to feel a sense of closure? You won’t find it, any time she hears from you she is reenergized by your attention and you give all your power away - not to mention your wife’s trust and good will. It is hard for things to be left undone, unraveled -like the relationship with aP. You can’t smooth that over, no message will help you tie that off neatly and walk away from her feeling whole. That contact set everything way back as you know.
Explore what you were seeking out, as mentioned.
Watch Rav Gavrieli’s ted talk on porn
Be compassionate with your wife and constantly apologetic
Journal, practice mindfulness meditation

You may have mucked up chances with your wife but maybe you can show her your remorse, regardless these compulsions of yours aren’t going to go away on their own...get help and stay in it.

4kids posted 9/11/2019 21:01 PM

Glad to see these posts. BS here.

Especially from justsomelady, who has only joined this site in july, 2019.

Justsomelady is doing the work. Has been here for 2 months or so. Thats it. 2 months or so.

Keep on keeping on Justsomelady.

When i posted on your thread, i assumed you were new to this site.

Lesson learned. On this site, ill never post again, especially on the wayward forum, until i check everything out about the poster.

I would like to say im sorry to Ms Guilty.

Your wife has support here. Im so glad.

I used to read on here alot. On The Wayward Forum. Trying to understand and support my ww. Back when i was stupid. Mostly i was just trying to understand him. Trying to figure out what to do. How i could help him. You know.

People just have to do the work. Simple. Hard, i know. But simple sums it up.

How come you haven't posted Guilty? Your post last evening sounded desperate for help. For guidance. For help for your devastated wife.

So again, why have you not posted? Responded?

Why not just post now? This minute? Lay it all out here. Or pm people you trust.

Guiltyinky posted 9/16/2019 12:17 PM

My BS has been dealing with her mom having recurrent cancer and needing major surgery and chemo. Her mom lives several states away and BS been away a couple of times to visit during the surgery recovery and chemo. Instead of supporting my BS I've been doing this stupid shit while she's been gone.

Then when she came back and confronted me about having a secret email, instead of logging into it for her I dicked around for 30 min pretending I couldn't remember the password. Lied and said it had been a long time since I'd logged in. She knew I was lying and found the password saved in my phone notepad. Was obvious I had logged in recently. Why didn't I just come clean. Why do I keep lying.

Instead of owning it and apologizing I kept trying to minimize. Said I never tried to hook up with anyone, was just looking at porn. She found that hard to believe because 2 of the sites I was on are hookup sites. Kept repeating that I was just looking. That's what all cheaters say. Then she found the message to AP. I got choked up and teared up a bit when I said I just wanted to apologize to AP. That's the only time I got emotional. I'm afraid BS thinks it is because I still have feelings for AP not because I was ashamed at having messaged AP.

HellFire posted 9/16/2019 12:24 PM

A BS, years out, has a finely tuned bullshit meter.

I think your wife is spot on.

Clearly you have feelings for the OW.

Otherwise, why did you feel the need to apologize to a woman who was horribly disrespectful and cruel to your wife?

You broke nc to apologize to the OW, knowing it would devastate your wife. You put OW's feelings over your wife's feelings.

Your wife may very well be done with you at this point. If you want to save your marriage, you need to get real honest,real fast.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:25 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

Carissima posted 9/16/2019 13:15 PM

I had to watch my dad die from cancer, it was one of the hardest, most heartbreaking things I have been through. Now whenever your wife is with her mother she's going to be constantly thinking and probably taking for granted that you're going to be doing this because she's not there to police you.

You need to work out why you can't be alone without acting out like this. Why you can't show restraint! You're still so obviously wayward in your behaviour. If you want your wife, your marriage you need to do the hard work.

DaddyDom posted 9/16/2019 19:26 PM

GuiltyInky,

I'm worried about you. At 4+ years out, your train of thought reminds me of someone just a few months out. While I'm concerned about your marriage, I am more concerned about you personally. The traits that are destroying your marriage are the same ones that will continue to destroy your life whether or not your marriage survives or not.

I know this might be weird advice and others may disagree with me, however, I am going to suggest that you give up trying to save your marriage, at least for now. Not that you shouldn't try, or that you should leave your wife... that's not what I'm saying. Rather, I'm saying that you are simply not (IMO) capable of working on the marriage right now. How are you going to fix the marriage when you can't even fix yourself just yet?

To me, you scream of someone buried in shame and panic. I know the feeling well, that's been me for a long time, and I'm still working on it.

Here are some things I suggest you discuss with your IC:

1) Why you love/value yourself so little that you don't demand more of/for yourself in your life. A person who loves/values themselves doesn't need someone else to make them feel loved/valuable.

For example, your need to apologize to the AP is not about the AP, it is about you and how you feel about yourself, and the need for the AP to still see you as a "good guy". You are attempting to feel valued through her, not through yourself.

2) Who are you? Discuss who you are and who you want to be. Then take steps to become who you want to be. It HAS to be for YOU, not for anyone else.

Would you like to be a liar? If not, then be an honest person. If you want to be an honest person and still feel the need to lie, then explore that. Why would anyone feel that way?

3) What are you afraid of? What triggers you?

What does it mean to you if you never watch porn again? What does it mean if your marriage fails? How much of what you do to save the marriage is being done "to save the marriage" and not just because it is the right thing to do in the first place? Be honest with yourself on this... If you only stop watching porn because your wife wants you to, and not because it is something you no longer will accept in your life, then you are manipulating your wife and your marriage to your own ends. Or put more simply, you are being dishonest and inauthentic.

Hang in there GuiltyInky. Dropping the ball so far into the game can often make us want to quit and throw in the towel. I am proud of you for reaching out for help, especially knowing that 2x4's would be tossed back in return. All you need to do to succeed is to not give up. At some point, the tumblers will click and things will start to make sense. You will know it in your soul when they do.

Personally, I found that I clung to my own pain and victimhood for a long, long time. My identity as a victim was like a warm blanket. Even though it hurt me, it was the blanket I had always known, and the one I reached for to comfort myself, because feeling like shit was what was "normal" to me.

First, a new "normal" needs to be defined by you. One which you are proud of. One that you want in your life. One that replaces the shitty coping skills that led you to having an affair, lying, sneaking, and so on.

The goal is simple. To live a life that you are proud of, to be someone that you are proud of being, to act in ways that you are proud of acting, to have the integrity to do the right thing when the wrong thing presents itself, and to go to bed each night knowing that you are a good person and that you have done your best in all things. Do these things, be this person, and everything else in your life will fall into place.

For now, go take care of youself.

gmc94 posted 9/17/2019 00:23 AM

BW here. Have you sought/received treatment from a CSAT? This

3 years of winning over the temptations
in and of itself indicates a compulsive quality that seems would warrant CSAT treatment for SA. I'm no expert, but there are online tests/screenings that are pretty straightforward. I hate that the term SA alone conjurs up some pretty negative assumptions. I see it as a spectrum, but the compulsive factor (the need to 'win over TEMPTATION'' ) is a huge red flag, esp in conjunction with an A, as are:
now I couldn’t get her [your AP] out of my mind
and
my inability to control myself

You mention returning to your therapist. CSAT is not the same as a "regular" therapist, and can be tough to find (in my mid-size city there are several, but very few on my insurance) . If a CSAT isn't an option, there are 12step SA meetings (I've read in a LOT of places that group work is a very important component to SA treatment).
I haven't read your early posts so I apologize if this is something you've already pursued.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:26 AM, September 17th, 2019 (Tuesday)]

Zugzwang posted 9/17/2019 06:11 AM

My BS has been dealing with her mom having recurrent cancer and needing major surgery and chemo. Her mom lives several states away and BS been away a couple of times to visit during the surgery recovery and chemo. Instead of supporting my BS I've been doing this stupid shit while she's been gone.

In other words you have not been getting your wife's undivided attention and she stopped playing a pick me dance for you. You are still very much immature. Acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum to get your mother's attention because you have chosen to put your wife in a mother role. What can you do? Be disgusted with yourself enough to finally grow up and be self sufficient and self soothing without instant gratification and temper tantrums by choosing to hurt to get your wife's attention. Your wife doesn't need another child to raise. Time to step up your game on fixing yourself.

Just stop and think about what you did. Your wife is going through a hard time and you got pissed she wasn't paying attention to you so you chose to hurt her to get her attention. She needed support and help and you got pissed. Stew in that and on that and maybe just maybe you might be disgusted with yourself enough to really choose change. You think you are lonely now, what do you think you will be when you are sitting in some room as an old man with no one to care about you at all. Come on man. Choose to stop.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 6:15 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

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