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My update....

SuperDaddy1027 posted 8/28/2019 11:33 AM

I realize this is more for me than anyone else but I thought I'd give a quick update.

I am closing in on 3 years since Dday and 1.5 years since D was final (1 year of Separation required in my state). You can read my story in my profile so I won't reiterate it here. It's a crazy story nonetheless.

But I reflect back on where I was....shortly after Dday, 6 months after Dday, 1 year after Dday, when my D became final, and today. Overall, I can still hold my head high as I stayed true to who I am. I never made the D difficult for XWW (can't say the same for her as she didn't lift a finger), and any/all decisions I made were made with my kids and myself as the only priority. I have learned so much about myself and it has been very educational. I've also experienced more in the last 3 years than I did during my entire marriage.
My kids are 5 (DD) and 9 (DS). And all I can say is I love them more and more each day. I miss them terribly when they are at their Mother's (50/50 custody) but I know as evil as their Mother is to me, it's important they have that relationship with their Mom. In addition, my kids have taken this entire experience better than I could have ever hoped. They are GREAT kids. I like to think they get that quality from me :) They have their struggles with going back and forth. But overall they know their Mom and Dad both love them and even though their family is different than others they know none of this was their fault. And in reality, that's all that matters.

As for me. I have a GF. She's someone I've know since I was a kid and we've been friends for a long time. We dated briefly in High School. She is divorcing as well due to infidelity and a shitty marriage. Overall, I'm happy. She's kind, sweet, and appreciates me for me (flaws and all). We are good together. I like where we're at. She wants to marry one day. I do not. I've been upfront with her from Day 1. She is "okay" with not marrying me and just wants to be with me. But she said if I ever "came around" she would say YES. I'm so against marriage anymore. I'm jaded I know but I have no desire to do that. One of those "been there done that" My marriage served 2 purposes. DS and DD. Now that I have them I just see no need for marriage. I'm an introvert. I like my alone time.

As for me and XWW......yeah...lol. We're civil. And that's about it. We don't do shit together. And that's because that's what I prefer. She continually pushes boundaries (inviting me to do stuff with her, kids, her BF (not AP) She sits next to me at school functions or kids sporting functions. She asks me to switch weekends all the time, and even asks for the kids on my weekends. Again ZERO respect for me and ZERO boundaries. Although I still feel the "void" of who I thought she was.....more often than not I think "Thank God I'm not married to this crazy person anymore" To be honest, I do not want to fast forward time, or miss any more time with my kids but in 13 years both my kids will be 18+ years and I will completely go NC with my XWW...and I cannot wait til that day! . If I didn't have kids with her now I'd block her and never speak to her again. Not outta hate....just the fact that we have absolutely nothing in coming....especially when it comes to morals, values, and being a decent human being.

Well I could write more but this is where I stop. For anyone that has been through this or is going through this.....I will tell you what I was told many times....."It gets better....it gets so much better". The scars will always be there. Sometimes I look at my XWW and I get mad at myself. The red flags were there. I just didn't listen to my gut. I also realize the person I married never truly existed. I was "played". That's a hard pill to swallow.

I wish you all the best life ever! We all deserve better than what we were given. But there are many things that I see as a positive to this entire experience
1) You learn so much about yourself that you wonder if you ever truly knew yourself before Dday
2) The bond you have with your children is stronger now than it ever was.
3) You do what you want when you want and how you want and no one can tell you it's wrong.
4) You have more time for hobbies you gave up during your marriage
5) You realize and quickly learn who your true friends are
6) I will forever be in debt to my parents and sisters. They never experienced this before but were there for me at any given time or day to listen to me cry/vent/yell/scream/or just talk. I also am forever in Debt to SI. This place saved my life.....literally!
7) Once you're out of a toxic relationship and away from that person, you will become the best version of yourself. And think how awesome that is not only for you...but more importantly your kids!
8)Making new traditions is extremely fun!
9)Having pride in how you handled the most shittiest thing that has ever happened to you. Handling it with dignity!
10) Realizing that and the end of the day...... it was the WS who lost the most in this situation....not you!!!

Thank you SI for all those tears, laughs, and advice. I do hope one day I can pay it forward. I know a few people going through D right now (both infidelity and non-infidelity) and people have told me I've given great advice. Detaching both physically and emotionally from your spouse is the hardest thing to do, but it's also the most necessary thing to do, to move on with your life.

I wish you all the best SI....you deserve it!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 11:50 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Hutch posted 8/28/2019 11:53 AM

@SuperDaddy1027

Wow! Your post just brought me to tears. Iím sitting at a Starbucks working since they are working on power lines near my house and I have NO electricity. Tears of joy for you hit as I read, but also tears for me knowing that it will one day get better.

I screen saved your steps so I can look back in my lowest moments. Such great advice and reminders.

I am at the beginning of this process and there are just absolute shitty days! Itís hard to see that thereís light at the end of this. But there will be good days again. My kids are my focus. I need them to be okay and even though theyíre 19 and 17, Iím terrified they wonít be. Iím so happy your kids are doing so well. Theyíre amazing and yes, a testament to you.

I wish you all the best!

Hutch

Chili posted 8/28/2019 12:36 PM

Hey Howdy SD!

What an absolutely fabulous update - so glad you popped on to share it with us.

You've been a class act throughout this whole thing and am so thrilled that you've come out the other side with flying colors (knew you would by the way).

And so glad you've found someone to share time with - she sounds like a great (and healthy) companion for you. The beauty of these things is you get to figure out exactly what you want your relationship to look like. Lots of ways to build an authentic life together that don't always have anything to do with sharing a legal contract.

Hope you'll jump on here from time to time (in the D/S forum especially) and give some of the newbies that glimmer of hope from the other side. You fought a hard-won journey to get there.

They are GREAT kids. I like to think they get that quality from me :)

Well, duh.

Phoenix1 posted 8/28/2019 13:26 PM

Great update! Sounds like you are in a really good place right now.

8)Making new traditions is extremely fun!

I've had more darn fun with this ^^^, and I encourage everyone to do it! VERY liberating as well!

You are always welcome to stick around and pay it forward by giving SI newbies support.

Onward and upward, Super Daddy!

squid posted 8/28/2019 14:03 PM

Great update, SD!

I've been on kind of the struggle bus lately. I needed an update like this.

Keep on keeping on!

WhoTheBleep posted 8/28/2019 14:47 PM

You sound great!! Excellent post, SD!

SuperDaddy1027 posted 8/28/2019 14:58 PM

Thanks all! Please also remember that all situations (good or bad) help us become who we are today! Even though infidelity and divorce were awful, it made me who I am today. And when I look in the mirror every morning Iím proud of who looks back at me. Mainly because that person never changed who they were at the core. My XWW tried to break me. But I didnít allow it. I proved to myself (and my kids) that despite being beat down numerous times....I kept getting up and dusting myself off. Did I do it perfect? Nope! But I sure as hell didnít become someone I would be embarrassed to show my kids or have to explain why Iím divorced. I took the punches and kept rolling. Itís called LIFE!

Onward and Upward Indeed!

PS. Good to see you squid....keep your chin up!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 2:59 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

LilBlackCat posted 8/28/2019 20:00 PM

Glad to hear you are doing well!

JadedByItAll posted 8/29/2019 02:05 AM

I'm anticipating the update for when your ex finds out you're dating.

BearlyBreathing posted 8/30/2019 01:12 AM

So happy to read this, SD!

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