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Desire for a partner

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Incarnate posted 8/26/2019 00:51 AM

It's been 11 days, almost exactly on the nose, since my ex and I verbally separated. She has her relationship with the APs she used to break our marriage; a couple from Texas she met up with while on her vacation. I have nobody.

I desperately want someone. I know it is far, far too soon to find anyone for a long term relationship. I realize I exhibit codependent tendencies; most men in long term relationships do. But I've been without a personal connection for much longer than I realized... I am looking back now, and see how abandoned I've been for the last 5+ years, and this ache in my soul is just getting stronger.

I haven't had to speak to a woman romantically (except for my wife) since I was 17 years old. I am 34 now.

I am bald.
I'm 260 lbs (I've lost 20lbs since DD for PA2, 11 days ago).
I wear upper dentures due to my teeth being damaged in a car crash.
I have injuries to my knees, hips, and back from the crash, as well as heavy physical labor most of my life.
I am a type II diabetic.
I have five children, all of which are girls between the ages of 9 and 16, two of whom are on the autism spectrum (non/limited verbal).

I am struggling to see how anyone would want me. There are plenty of men my age without these issues. There are plenty of men who don't have the trauma I've had throughout my life, nor do they have an ex still living in their home, so they have a place to take a partner.

At this point, I'm not looking for another wife, or even necessarily a long term girlfriend. I just want someone I can go to dinner with, have a drink with, and talk to about something other than how they hurt me or how we're going to work together without working together to make sure the household is still running. Someone who won't scream at me while I'm in the bathroom because she can't activate her new bank card without my information.

Maybe someone to sleep with. Maybe someone to just sleep next to. Maybe someone who will be enough of a distraction from the pain that I can actually begin to heal. Someone who will find a heavyset, bald, blue-eyes white dude with a trailer full of baggage that he keeps carefully under wraps attractive.

I don't even know where - or when - to start.

NorthernMSB posted 8/26/2019 04:23 AM

Hi Incarnate.
I am not a big poster here but it is 5:00 am after another sleepless night and your post called out to me..

First, it is too soon for another relationship which you already know. I completely understand how you feel. If I really think about it I have been living in an emotional and physical wasteland for at least a decade. I remember texting my sister years ago telling her that no one had really (REALLY) talked to me or even touched me affectionately in years. Made me sad and very lonely. I get it.

And for your candid description of yourself... I am 51 years old and on my good days when not swept up in all this bullshit I have the confidence to say I was beautiful in my youth. Maybe still. I have been with a few men, not slutty but not a prude and 95 percent of them were gorgeous, including my WH. I can tell you from my lofty experience perch that it means nothing. Attraction is in actions, the way a man looks at you, his confidence, his intelligence and ability to hold a lively conversation. The way he is attentive and KIND. The way he puts his attention on you when you are out or at home and how he shows that he is really listening to you by remembering the little things. Again, the way he looks at you with an affectionate twinkle in his eye like you are the most special and amazing sight he has ever beheld.

Yes, initially most people will look at the outside but honestly, people who only do that are not worth your time. And the hottest man I have ever known was 5í6Ē, chubby, and balding. His eyes, the way he spoke to me, his sense of humour, sharp wit and confidence made my knees weak.

You my friend need not worry. I have followed your story and your WW is not worthy of a good man like yourself. You do you and work on you. And your strength and kindness will lead you to someone who thinks you are everything.

Just my $.02. Take care.

WhoTheBleep posted 8/26/2019 07:03 AM

Are you in IC? Start there. You need it. All BS's do.

Ok, let's talk about confidence. Before I met WH, I dated regularly. Men of all different heights shapes and sizes and hair situations. However, generally they were all somewhat fit, as that is important to me. I work out regularly, and we need to have that in common.

One thing they definitely all had in common, was confidence. One of them was a short skinny average looking Jewish man (I am Catholic and had never dated outside my religion until then). He was also a very talented musician and actor and had confidence to spare. It was incredibly attractive to me and had nothing to do with his looks. I was completely drawn to him and loved every minute we spent together. So there is your work on the inside lesson. Confidence is huge for women. Not to be confused with arrogance. There is a big difference.

You're bald? If you are mostly bald, go ahead and shave the whole thing. Then rock it like Dwayne Johnson.

Your type 2 diabetes could possibly correct itself if you exercise eat right and drop some weight, correct? This will also help your confidence. You deserve to make time for yourself to get healthy. Start walking. Start lifting weights (if your injuries allow). If not try yoga. Planks, stretching, lunges will all tone you up. Get out and meet people. Join some meet up groups where they are doing activities like biking walking etc. I know you are shaken and likely not in the mood to do any of this. But this is called fake it till you make it. The exercising endorphins will help you feel better mentally. When you start seeing physical results, you'll feel even better.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:03 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 8/26/2019 07:10 AM

Oops, hit submit too soon.

Your teeth. I am no stranger to dental work. My top 6 front teeth are veneers due to a childhood school bus accident. 34 is very young to have dentures. Are implants an option for you? Is there any chance insurance could cover part of it? If not, I know they cost a fortune as my dad just had his bottom teeth done with implants. Perhaps you can set aside a little bit of money each week and eventually have enough to have permanent "teeth" implanted in your mouth. I know how much dental issues can affect your confidence in how you feel about yourself. This will be worth the wait and the money. It will also affect your lifestyle in a positive way (eating, etc).

In the meantime, I would not date while you are feeling so insecure. I'll be the first to say you don't have much to bring to the table in your current emotional state. I didn't feel ready to date for nearly 2 years after leaving WH. I too, was so shattered, I had nothing to bring to the table either. I took some much needed me time, and built myself back up to a person the right man would like to date. There will always be someone willing to date you, no matter what state you are in, but they won't be the right person. You'll end up stalling your healing and likely with fresh hurts.

Spend time with friends and family. Get in IC. Read, podcasts, and post here! We are here for you!

Side bonus is that as you work on yourself your physical health will improve and your confidence. Not just for the purpose of dating, but so that you are living a more fulfilling life on your own. You are worth it.

FinDad posted 8/26/2019 07:13 AM

I feel you, I really do. I am just one year younger than you are, and your text really resonates. I miss being close with someone, but being so recently divorced, I know it is not time to go forward just yet. The time will come when it will, and until that I will just enjoy my time by myself and my kids. You are still living with your STBXWW? That means you are still in one kind of hell. Things will start get better as soon as you don't see her every day. It doesn't feel like it now, but believe me, it will.

It's been 11 days, almost exactly on the nose, since my ex and I verbally separated. She has her relationship with the APs she used to break our marriage; a couple from Texas she met up with while on her vacation. I have nobody.

Having nobody is a better option than having two immoral people.


I desperately want someone. I know it is far, far too soon to find anyone for a long term relationship. I realize I exhibit codependent tendencies; most men in long term relationships do. But I've been without a personal connection for much longer than I realized... I am looking back now, and see how abandoned I've been for the last 5+ years, and this ache in my soul is just getting stronger.

Let's set up a club. But again, it WILL get better. Having nobody is better than having a terrible relationship. And what you will get by jumping into something new now before healing, is exactly that, a terrible relationship.

I haven't had to speak to a woman romantically (except for my wife) since I was 17 years old. I am 34 now.

Me too, I've never dated. Scary as hell. But less scary than wasting the rest of my life with someone that has the ability to hurt me to my very core.


I am bald.

I'm getting bald too. I've literally lost a lot of my hair after the DD. And the remaining hair is turning grey rapidly. But who cares, baldness isn't anything to be ashamed of?


I'm 260 lbs (I've lost 20lbs since DD for PA2, 11 days ago).

Infidelity diet is effective but unhealthy. Just move to healthier diet and keep on losing weight. But anyway, weight does not keep you from dating. You are aware that there are a lot more overweight people than normal weight, and they still get partners?

I wear upper dentures due to my teeth being damaged in a car crash. I have injuries to my knees, hips, and back from the crash, as well as heavy physical labor most of my life.

Just something to talk about on dates, don't worry.

I am a type II diabetic.

I don't see what this has to do with anything? You don't want to be anyone who sees this as a problem.

I have five children, all of which are girls between the ages of 9 and 16, two of whom are on the autism spectrum (non/limited verbal).

So do many women at our age. I have four. I do not believe I could get into relationship with someone who doesn't have kids, as they would probably have no idea what the daily life is. Same goes the other way around, I believe single parent (or co-parenting, doesn't matter) do value that you have kids and know you are a man who values family.


I am struggling to see how anyone would want me.

This is just in your head. You already had one, and there are billions of women in the world. You really think you got the only one?


There are plenty of men my age without these issues.

Everyone has issues. If someone says they don't, they are lying. And then they have an issue with lying.


There are plenty of men who don't have the trauma I've had throughout my life, nor do they have an ex still living in their home, so they have a place to take a partner.

Finalize the divorce and this is taken care of.

At this point, I'm not looking for another wife, or even necessarily a long term girlfriend. I just want someone I can go to dinner with, have a drink with, and talk to about something other than how they hurt me or how we're going to work together without working together to make sure the household is still running. Someone who won't scream at me while I'm in the bathroom because she can't activate her new bank card without my information.

Maybe someone to sleep with. Maybe someone to just sleep next to. Maybe someone who will be enough of a distraction from the pain that I can actually begin to heal. Someone who will find a heavyset, bald, blue-eyes white dude with a trailer full of baggage that he keeps carefully under wraps attractive.

I don't even know where - or when - to start.


If you really, really think it helps (which it really doesn't at this point), go to OLD. Be open about where you are. There are women who struggle just as much, waiting to meet you. They just don't know it yet.

Breath. You will be fine.

[This message edited by FinDad at 7:15 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

Babette2008 posted 8/26/2019 08:10 AM

You sound like a sincerely nice, caring person. Taking care of 5 young children is no easy fear, and autism adds a whole new level. The kind of woman you want will respect you for being a good father.

Being physically attractive helps in the short run, it's easier to get noticed. But it doesn't mean that you attract good people. Physical attractiveness is also the least important quality for happiness. Intelligence, kindness, curiosity, humor, competence and confidence are all much more important.

I think if you can build a support network separate from your W, and take care of yourself, that as your confidence grows you will find the affection you are craving. The world is filled with good people you haven't met yet and you are still young.

InnerLight posted 8/26/2019 11:09 AM

I notice your self description is more about how others might view you. Maybe consider the possibility that you are about to dive more deeply into knowing who you are on the inside, just for you. In a way that is strengthening and ultimately leads to more happiness for you and your kids.

When we are in relationship, certain parts of us come to light. When we are single we have the opportunity to allow other parts of us to be expressed.

You have been living under the influence of the strong pull of a SO relationship for a very long time. There are other parts of you that want to be seen. There are sides of you that have not been in the sunlight in a while. There are expressions of your connection with your kids that have not had the time/attention to come to light because of that orbital pull you've been under.

None of us know for ourselves what that might be, we cannot name these things with any certainty so it feels nebulous and certainly hard to feel excited about.

I have no doubt that you are an amazing human being and that more of your unique magic will arise if you allow yourself time to heal, time to strengthen your health, to firm up your foundation of your relationship with yourself and with your kids.

I know how hard it is to give up the idea that a partner will solve your problems and soothe the unbearable hurt. But the quickest way to heal and get so strong that your next relationship will be so much better, is to focus on your self and your core responsibilities.

Sending hugs and well wishes.

AbandonedGuy posted 8/26/2019 12:34 PM

Find an infidelity buddy and use each other as emotional tampons. It helps tremendously. I found someone through a different but similar avenue to SI.com and she and I helped each other over the hump. It almost feels like you have another singular person who gives a shit about you. Really you're just using each other to complain and share advice and anecdotes. If you go this route with a woman, be careful, because you might get displaced feelings for her at some point. My Betrayed Buddy was someone who is VERY much not the kind of person I want or should be with, but there went my feelings anyway. Luckily, I understood what was happening and stifled it until they went away. If you find a half decent person, you might end up making a new friend for life, you never know. But this is my best advice. Don't rush into dating, find someone to just talk to regularly who seems to care about what you're going through--and be sure to share your own empathy with that person. Nobody wants to be an emotional sponge and nothing else.

Incarnate posted 8/26/2019 12:39 PM

I really appreciate all of the support from everyone here; it's something I've been giving and not getting for years. It's refreshing and heartbreaking at the same time.

I know that running out and getting a partner right now is a bad idea. Like I said, I know I'm not even remotely ready for a long term (or even short term) commitment.

And right now, i don't think I really want a lot of commitment. I've given seventeen years of commitment to a woman who had zero compunctions with ripping out my soul and using it for lube, then blaming me for bleeding on the carpet.

But I miss that closeness. The raw, base human connection. I don't want a subservient, submissive person, I don't want a domineering, controlling person to tell me how to live, what to wear, what to eat, how to parent my children, that I am always wrong, etc.

I just want another human that I can feel safe with. I want someone who I know can look at me and see me, not an adversary.

I know I'm not unattractive. I'm no Chris Hemsworth, but despite my weight, I have a powerful frame. Broad shoulders, barrel chest, and a waist narrower than my ribs. I do keep my head shaved so that I am bald by choice instead of balding and trying to hide it; I make the look work well enough. My face isn't unpleasant, and I do have striking blue eyes.

I know I am an intelligent person and can hold a conversation on almost any subject. I know what questions to ask on most topics to engage people in their area of interest. I am college educated, and I am a voracious researcher, I am well learned in several craftsman trades; woodworking, metalwork/metallurgy, and stonework, I am a self taught amateur architect, having designed and sold plans for several residential buildings over the years. I can hold my own mentally.

My main point of contention is my confidence. I used to be a social butterfly, able to slip in and out of groups with alacrity, but since I started trying to help my wife overcome her childhood trauma (as well as the trauma she received during our marriage from my father) I completely ignored myself. I became introverted and I started taking he verbal abuse to heart. It was always delivered passively, underhandedly; I wasn't doing enough, I was trying the wrong things, I didn't understand, I couldn't understand, on and on and on.

Since severing her from my list of responsibilities I feel like a pendulum that's been kicked by a horse, just swinging around randomly and smacking into shit. Being alone terrifies me. Not just being in a room by myself or spending a day by myself - I can handle that, no big deal - but being -alone-. Loneliness. Not having someone I can talk to at the end of the day, not having someone who wants me to know how their day went, who can share in my triumphs and failures, someone I can hold up when they need me, and someone who can hold me up when I need them.

I've been the pillar for so long, and the one I was holding up grew to resent me and dynamited the bottom. I don't know how I am supposed to lift that pillar again, of even if I should.

I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm regressing, and I'm terrified to inflict that upon someone else. I have a pretty severe case of C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, and I am certain it came from the gaslighting, betrayal trauma, and emotional abuse from my ex, coupling with the abuse from my father and stepmother.

But I've gone on way too long about this. The point is that I am scared, I'm lonely, I'm bitter, and I'm lost. I desperately want someone to take my hand, rub my cheek, and tell me that it will be okay.

And, yeah, yaknow, getting laid would probably be pretty awesome too. It's been a while. Not gonna lie, I -am- a healthy man.

Tallgirl posted 8/26/2019 12:51 PM

Hi incarnate

I am a bs too. I totally get how you are feeling. I am currently separated and have been alone in my 25 yr marriage for 11 years. My WH cheated for 10 yrs.

I desperately need/want someone who cares, someone to have a laugh with, to hold etc. I am terrified. I am 53, 6ft tall and a little squishy. I have been described as beautiful but I donít feel it. I do not feel attractive and honestly not overly happy. So we are in similar a place.

I am not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to find me. This is what you need to do to. Find you. Find your sense of humour. Step out of your fear. Find a little joy. You will do great.

I have been watching how I react to people - what I find attractive and what I donít. Here is what I have realized. Height doesnít matter. Hair doesnít matter. Weight doesnít matter.

There is one person at work I find appealing. He is my age, covered in freckles, with some hair. He is overweight by say 40 lbs. has 3 kids. He has a bunch of cool interests, passions, he is intelligent, and damn, heís the kindest most generous man I think I have ever met. ETA: he is a diabetic as well.

If we were in a place to date I would date this guy. Does he know this - nope. Never will as he is married.

It doesnít matter what people see on the outside, if you donít meet their physical standards, they arenít worth your trouble. People are attracted to intelligence, kindness, humour, confidence and people who know Themselves.

So go and find you. a companion will come.

Big hug.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:00 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 8/26/2019 12:55 PM

I am bald.
I'm 260 lbs (I've lost 20lbs since DD for PA2, 11 days ago).
I wear upper dentures due to my teeth being damaged in a car crash.
I have injuries to my knees, hips, and back from the crash, as well as heavy physical labor most of my life.
I am a type II diabetic.
I have five children, all of which are girls between the ages of 9 and 16, two of whom are on the autism spectrum (non/limited verbal).

Are you kind?
Do you laugh?
Do you have empathy for others?
Do you have integrity?
Are you honest?

Those things are white-hot sexy to those of us who have been hurt by men who didn't have those qualities.

I can tell you personally that I will be looking more for those qualities than for a smoking hot body or a head full of hair when and if I get back into dating. Probably a good thing too given that I'm older than you, lol. I would also suggest that you do the same, but that is going to be difficult to hold yourself to if you jump back in too quickly. This is the time to become okay with who you are by yourself and confident in what you have to offer in a relationship. This is a bad time to jump in just needing a person there.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 12:58 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 8/26/2019 15:10 PM

I know I'm not unattractive. I'm no Chris Hemsworth, but despite my weight, I have a powerful frame. Broad shoulders, barrel chest, and a waist narrower than my ribs. I do keep my head shaved so that I am bald by choice instead of balding and trying to hide it; I make the look work well enough. My face isn't unpleasant, and I do have striking blue eyes.

I know I am an intelligent person and can hold a conversation on almost any subject. I know what questions to ask on most topics to engage people in their area of interest. I am college educated, and I am a voracious researcher, I am well learned in several craftsman trades; woodworking, metalwork/metallurgy, and stonework, I am a self taught amateur architect, having designed and sold plans for several residential buildings over the years. I can hold my own mentally.

Incarnate, woman's perspective. I don't even know you, and after reading this, I'm more attracted to you than I was after reading your first post. (Theoretically! I know this isn't a dating site). You have a lot going for you. You know who you are. You've been through the wringer. Give yourself a break. When the time is right, and you heal enough, there will be women interested in you.

I've been the pillar for so long, and the one I was holding up grew to resent me and dynamited the bottom. I don't know how I am supposed to lift that pillar again, of even if I should.

Well you shouldn't be a pillar for anyone else right now, except maybe your children. How about being a pillar for yourself? After what you've been through, that's a plenty big enough load for right now. You can't pour from an empty cup. You have to fill your own cup. And whatever overflows from the top is what you give away. You have nothing to give away right now other than what you are giving your daughters. Lean on friends for emotional support. It doesn't have to be a woman!

And yes you are a man and have "needs" (wants, actually) We are all sexual beings and most of us enjoy sex. But you're not going to die without it. Sex with the wrong person right now is not going to help you at all.

Work on you. There is confidence in you. It is extremely evident in your writing. You are not "less than" because of what your wife did to you. None of this is your fault. Nor does it reflect badly on you.

Hang in there, friend. This is still completely fresh for you. Believe me when I say it gets easier.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:10 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 8/27/2019 06:10 AM

This is a hard time for everyone going through a divorce. Part of the rollercoaster.

Maybe someone who will be enough of a distraction from the pain that I can actually begin to heal.

Until you don't have this need, do not date. First, you'd be using her. 2nd, you are vulnerable and vulnerable hurting people attract people with issues....some very severe ending in devastation.

Infidelity is a horrible trauma. I hate that.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:11 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

EvenKeel posted 8/27/2019 07:34 AM

You are in a dark place right now. That is totally expected at the point you are at. BUT it is important for you to go through this stage of grieving. You will grieve your M, You will grieve the loss of future you envisioned and you will grieve that loss of connection/companionship you had.

It sucks. But you need to go through those steps to get to the other side. The healed you.

I just want to offer a warning. Because it is coming. It is that first person who comes along and validates you. That attention is so intoxicating. You have been depleted for so long so when someone/anyone comes along and gives your esteem a little pick-me-up....well, it is like feeding an addiction because you will crave it so much.

Many of us here can raise our hands to that first relationship that came along before we are ready. I was not strong enough to step aside and it was a devastated experience (actually more painful than the D because you already have that open wound of the marriage).

So just be careful along that lines.

I know you can't see it yet. But one day you will look in that mirror and you will start to see the 'old' you emerge. There is a part of us that gets lost during this process but he is still in there. You will find him.

I am struggling to see how anyone would want me
This is a natural feeling too at this stage.

Trust me - there will be folks who are not scared off by that list.

I actually dated three guys who had full custody of their children. One of those was with a special needs as well. Actually he probably looked a lot like your list (big guy, bald, dentures, debilitating back disease, full house of kids + special needs child). You know what. He was the most kindest, giving person. He never went for long between relationships because he had a lot to offer (not monetary). He was quite the guy.

So please don't get hung up on your pro/con list at this point.

You get up each day and you keep working on yourself. Making yourself the best YOU for your children.

Start with basics. Stay away from alcohol, drink lots of water, make sure you are eating, etc. Your body is battling back from trauma; give it the healthy fuel it needs to mend.

I promise you it gets better. Will you go on a rollercoaster of emotions - yep. But you will come out the other side.

This is only one chapter in your book my friend....the best is yet to come.

LilBlackCat posted 8/27/2019 11:23 AM

I am in the same boat as you.. difference being that I am 48.. So at 34, dude.. You'll be A OK!

I agree with what most are saying, you need to get out.. Finalize the divorce.. Use the fake till you make it approach and let the universe take over from there.

For me, I have been alone without a real relationship for almost 5 years.. Not by choice, as an older guy.. It's hard.

I would avoid OLD.. as it may drop you further into the emotional hole you are in right now. As OLD, in most cases, is all about looks and the swag you can show.

Look for meet ups and such, This is something I am looking to do. Just with the current financial situation with inflation being so bad in my area of the country.. My chances of going out have dwindled for the time being.. but I know I need to be patient..

Good luck.

LilBlackCat posted 8/27/2019 11:30 AM

I just want to offer a warning. Because it is coming. It is that first person who comes along and validates you. That attention is so intoxicating. You have been depleted for so long so when someone/anyone comes along and gives your esteem a little pick-me-up....well, it is like feeding an addiction because you will crave it so much.
This is so true.. In late 2016, I jumped at the attention and validation I got from my short relationship I had.. That I ignored some serious red flags that I should of paid attention to and as a result those red flags were the reason I had to pull away.. Thus hurting the other person.

It's definitely a rollercoaster of sorts while going through these sort of things..

but one thing you must never do.. is give up.

heartbroken_kk posted 8/27/2019 18:10 PM

You are going to be OK without a partner for a while. Yes the longing hurts really bad. But you can deal with it.

My therapist used to say "can you sit with that?"

Acknowledge your longing. Post here. And just let it be. Let that longing exist without acting on it.

Focus on the things that are healthy for you to focus on. When you think about things that only bring you pain or discomfort, turn your attention away and onto something that can distract you.

Lots of us here can attest that being alone does not necessarily suck. It does early on, but you get used to it, and then miraculously, it doesn't suck.

You are going to be OK.

tushnurse posted 8/28/2019 13:40 PM

Incarnate it's good that you realize you are not ready for a relationship, and it is in fact the loneliness that is hard for you right now.

I urge you to make sure you are taking time for yourself daily. Take 20 minutes to walk, or stretch this will help w/ your physical well being and also will help you to get your DMII under control better too.
In addition I strongly recommend that you take up some hobby that you have always wanted to do and never did preferably something that will have you interacting with others. Some of the things I took up shortly after DD, was beekeeping, and learning to ride a street bike. Both things I really wanted to know how to do. There are all kinds of bike people out there, and they are generally like us, older, with a common interest. Doing poker runs, or rides in your region are a blast.
The whole beekeeping thing was about 9 months of learning and then buying 2 hives. We finished the first summer at 6 hives. That learning involved going to local beekeeper meetings, and making new friends and acquaintances.

As far as your appearance, don't worry about it. Women find confident men with a sense of humor the most attractive. Oh and if you are doing the whole ring around the head, don't just shave it off. A nice smooth head is very very attractive.

Ganondorf posted 8/29/2019 02:11 AM

I am bald. So?

I'm 260 lbs (I've lost 20lbs since DD for PA2, 11 days ago). Go to the gym. Strength training. PM me if you want help. I'll get you started. It's my passion, and I love helping.

I wear upper dentures due to my teeth being damaged in a car crash. Has anyone ever actually randomly commented on your teeth? I'd almost bet you, you're the only one ever thinking about it. Most people, if they live long enough, are probably going to have some fake teeth at some point anyway.

I have injuries to my knees, hips, and back from the crash, as well as heavy physical labor most of my life. Gym. Get stronger. Don't think about what you can't do, figure out what you can do. Rehab your body.

I am a type II diabetic. My dude. Train! Resistance training has SO many benefits for a diabetic.

Your body is less sensitive to insulin. Heavy training causes a physical mechanical response in the muscles that allows glucose to enter the muscle, a response that's separate from insulin. Your muscles are basically glucose sponges. And the more muscle you build, the bigger the sponge.

As your body gets used to soaking up that glucose via mechanical action, I would imagine it gives your body a much needed break from needing to produce so much insulin. That in turn will probably improve your insulin sensitivity. You may always be diabetic, but it seems like people that turn towards resistance training always have a VAST improvement with their diabetes management.


I have five children, all of which are girls between the ages of 9 and 16, two of whom are on the autism spectrum (non/limited verbal).

That seems like it's going to be a very difficult thing for you to manage alone. What is your plan regarding your children? The two that are on the autism spectrum, how independent are they?

Are there any family members that can live with you? Could you have your mom, dad, or someone else live with you and help you out in that regard? 5 is a lot for 1 person. But jumping into a relationship to help with that aspect of your life sounds like a terrible idea. It's just going to hurt your kids and you. But having something NSA outside of your family life, might help you a little with detaching and such. Just be very clear about your situation and what you want, and what you expect.

Also, I said gym a bunch of times. If you don't have the time or money, buy a power rack. Get a barbell and some plates. Very very very easy to train at home. Really, PM if this sounds interesting to you at all. I can get you started and help you along the way.

Okokok posted 8/29/2019 11:25 AM

Hey guy, a few bits of advice from another BH who found himself in this position in his mid-30s, too.

1) Confidence/Self-Image. There are things you can do to improve your confidence and the way you feel about yourself. Definitely get an IC! But also find a way to work on your weight/physical fitness if it's an issue for you (your body is cool at any size, but self-confidence is a real thing regardless). Diet and exercise are major confidence boosters. Strength training as well, especially for big guys. If you're going to be big, why not be big and strong?

Get new clothes that make you feel awesome, maybe new hygiene products, cologne, etc. - put effort into that stuff, whatever makes you feel good and as confident as possible out there in the world.

2) Baldness. First of all, your head is fine the way it is and there are plenty of women who would feel this way. But if you think it would help, consider playing to that image. Fully shave your whole head, maybe grow a well-groomed beard? That can be a good look these days.

3) The dad thing. Do NOT underestimate the attractiveness of this aspect of you. Be a good dad and don't hide from that. Prioritize your daughters and be their rock while their mom isn't, but don't toot your own horn, just get out there and be a solid dude. Good, responsible father of *5* daughters, two of which are special needs...are you kidding me? That can be a major hotness factor, seriously. And never forget that dad-bod is a thing, too -- nobody expects you to have a six pack.

4) The earliness of it all. Yeah, you're probably not in a good place to be seeking some poor woman out. Yet. But that doesn't mean you can't start thinking about it now -- I think that's really healthy!

Really, focus on you. Do the things that make you feel good and healthy and confident -- start that today. But then, why not make a dating app account? DON'T put a profile picture up and certainly don't message anyone, but just take a look at who's out there and start dreaming. There is no harm in that, and I think it would give you some perspective and kind of help you start thinking about what your future could begin to look like beyond this shitty situation you're currently in.

***

Recap: Start taking steps that will help you feel more confident (being kind and responsible are very attractive qualities, but coupling them with confidence is *super* attractive), and start dreaming about your future beyond this mess. You absolutely WILL get there.

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