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JanaGreen posted 8/15/2019 14:41 PM

And then feel like shit?

I'm going to parents night at my daughter's school tonight, and I was just in the bathroom looking in the mirror. Quite honestly thinking that I look pretty today. Thinking about how nice it is that my daughter's two good friends are in her class this year and how much I like their moms, feeling glad I get to see them (the nice moms) tonight. Thinking about how BF will be cooking dinner for us and it'll be ready when I get home and he's suuuuuch a good cook. Then it'll be watching our show and sex. I mean, such good thoughts right??

Then I thought about how ex's best friend's wife, Ms. Queen Bee of the cool moms, will be there too. And how she always acts soooo happy to see me, but then I remember how ex told me that none of those cool girls liked having me around because I was "weird and made them uncomfortable." Now, who knows if this is actually true. He's a pro gaslighter and was on a mission to make me feel like a friendless loser at the time (ironically more than a few of the folks in that group have reached out to me with support but I digress).

I'm not like the moms in that clique, but those were, according to my ex, the only acceptable friends for me to have. The wives of his "bros." He would never hang around the "weird" people I befriended.

I don't want to be around those women, but the possibly true, possibly not bit of cruelty my ex dropped on me years ago STILL has the effect of making me feel like an awkward high school loser. I HATE that his manipulation still has an effect on me.

Ugh

WhoTheBleep posted 8/15/2019 14:48 PM

Jana, I'll be willing to bet my right arm those women never said that. My ex used to say stuff like that to me all the time, because he knew it would hurt. And it did. Now I look back and realize it was all him. He might have commented, and if he was met with silence or a non reaction, or even disagreement, he would relay the story just as he told you. Or it never happened at all, and was just in his head, but he tells it to you as if it happened.

Don't take it to heart. You are a good person, and I bet you do look beautiful. You don't have to hang out with those women, but I would absolutely stand tall, smile broadly, and give a very friendly hello to all of them. Then quickly move on if you do not want to linger.

And if those women really did say that? Then you do exactly what I told you to do above, even still. You are classy and you take the high road. Let them wonder why you look and feel so fabulous and are smiling so broadly

You're going to do fine.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 4:04 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

JanaGreen posted 8/15/2019 14:56 PM

Thanks WhoTheBleep :)

You know, I really was weird around them. Partially because I AM sorta weird. But also because - shit, they all knew my ex had cheated on me and I was still with him. I felt so humiliated. You know?

WhoTheBleep posted 8/15/2019 16:07 PM

Oh yes, I know. I felt very awkward around WH's friends after D-Day. Ugh, yeah it was the worst feeling. I'm sure I came across as weird too.

Well, now they are all out of my life. Woohoo!!

Like I said, be cordial but no need to linger where you are not comfortable. That's one of the best things about divorce. New chapter, new you. Zero bullshit tolerance. And absolutely no need to keep up appearances!!

I'll also bet that most of them will be secretly jealous of your new fabulous free life. You can bet at least half of them are unhappily married, if not most.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 4:09 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

undertherug posted 8/15/2019 19:27 PM

I like "weird" people. People with personality quirks are, to me, more interesting and fun to be around. I am weird; all of my friends are weird. Normal is boring.

Snapdragon posted 8/15/2019 21:40 PM

I'm not like the moms in that clique, but those were, according to my ex, the only acceptable friends for me to have. The wives of his "bros." He would never hang around the "weird" people I befriended.

Um, yeah. Because he didn't want you falling under the influence of those that might make you think outside of what HE wanted you to think! It took me a long time to figure out why my ex sabotaged any relationships that developed from my world and not his. When we divorce I literally had NO friend base because I let our social life be dictated by him. Damn, I was so ... I don't even know the right word. Brainwashed?

Just be YOU! What your ex said was meant to "keep you in line". Color outside the damn lines, woman!!

JanaGreen posted 8/15/2019 21:42 PM

I like "weird" people

God me too. I love hanging around the weirdos who get me now, instead of my ex who acts like a 45-year-old frat boy.

I told BF about my feelings about all this and he asked me some questions that led into me telling him some things that ex did. The way his jaw tightens up when I tell him these things. I am so glad he is the way he is, which is nothing at all like ex is.

JanaGreen posted 8/15/2019 21:45 PM

What your ex said was meant to "keep you in line"

Always. Always. It was always about control! I don't know how I didn't see it then. I was always twisted up into a pretzel.

Sometimes I want to go into General or Reconciliation and just scream at them to GET OUT. I tried so hard and pumped so much fake sunshine in the R forum. Letting go was the best thing ever.

WhoTheBleep posted 8/15/2019 21:51 PM

I tried so hard and pumped so much fake sunshine in the R forum. Letting go was the best thing ever.

Girl, I drank that Kool-Aid for two damn years.

I was always twisted up into a pretzel.

Sometimes I want to go into General or Reconciliation and just scream at them to GET OUT

Yeessss!!!!! But I don't want a nastygram in my inbox. I like this place too much.

I very rarely venture into the R forum, And when I do, I'm usually gently planting a D seed, and running away.

JanaGreen posted 8/15/2019 22:03 PM

It's just so much better on this side. Sometimes I'll be driving to work,and listening to music and just start laughing out loud in my car because I am free, sometimes I'm crying with relief. I feel crazy sometimes. I really didn't realize how bad it was until I got out,

barcher144 posted 8/16/2019 09:43 AM

Y'all need some male influence in this thread.

I remember how ex told me that none of those cool girls liked having me around because I was "weird and made them uncomfortable."

This might have a bit of truth to it. My guess is that one of those "cool girls" said something kind of like this. My guess is that your ex twisted it to make it worse. My guess is also that "cool girl" is a narcissist and trying to make herself feel better by putting you down.

I'll also bet that most of them will be secretly jealous of your new fabulous free life. You can bet at least half of them are unhappily married, if not most.

100% spot-on

Partially because I AM sorta weird.

Here is why they might not like you. Let me tell you a secret... they are weird too. They just don't feel as comfortable in their own skin to show it. That's another reason why they might not like you -- they are jealous.

The way his jaw tightens up when I tell him these things. I am so glad he is the way he is, which is nothing at all like ex is.

Flip the genders and I am in a similar situation as you. My GF hates my STBXW. I don't. I just want to move on.

Sometimes I want to go into General or Reconciliation and just scream at them to GET OUT.

Yes!

Sometimes I'll be driving to work,and listening to music and just start laughing out loud in my car because I am free, sometimes I'm crying with relief. I feel crazy sometimes.

After STBXW and I separated, I had a couple of months of feeling "almost manic." I was ridiculously happy, although I didn't do anything stupid like jump off a building because I was convinced that I could fly... or buy a car that I couldn't afford.

I told this to my psychiatrist and she literally contemplated that I was bi-polar (I've had to read my mental health records). The reality is... escaping the tyranny of a marriage with a narcissist feels wonderful.
\

WhoTheBleep posted 8/16/2019 10:40 AM

Sometimes I'll be driving to work,and listening to music and just start laughing out loud in my car because I am free, sometimes I'm crying with relief. I feel crazy sometimes. I really didn't realize how bad it was until I got out,

escaping the tyranny of a marriage with a narcissist feels wonderful.

So much this!!^^^

I have described it as euphoria. I compare it to being in severe pain, like in child birth, or after having broken a bone. The pain is excruciating. Later, after your pain meds kick in, or after the baby is born. The simple lack of pain feels absolutely euphoric.

That's what life after leaving an abuser feels like. The simple lack of abuse absolutely makes you feel manic, and giddy, and crazy with happiness.

Jana, I have done the same thing. Just grinned from ear to ear, laughed out loud, practically skipped down the sidewalk, and cried with joy that I am free. If WH only knew...

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:41 AM, August 16th (Friday)]

JanaGreen posted 8/16/2019 10:55 AM

Thanks for the male energy barcher!!! Isn't it nice to have a partner who feels protective of you instead of throwing you to the wolves?

I'm not sure cool girls are jealous of me so much as they are just NOT my tribe, lol. They're fine, actually, I have no problem with them. My ex is just a grown-up nerd who still wants to be accepted by the in-crowd. I'm a grown-up nerd who just wants to act like myself.

WTB that is an excellent analogy! It's kinda like when your nose is plugged and you have to breathe through your mouth and then the Sudafed kicks in. 😂

Pass posted 8/18/2019 10:40 AM

the "weird" people

The weird folk are the best ones. Enjoy your weird people. Also enjoy some non-weirds if you want to, but the weirds are the ones you can usually count on to be the most genuine. If they were even capable of putting on a false show, they probably wouldn’t CHOOSE to appear weird.

My ex used to LOVE to keep me thinking everyone hated me too. It’s all part of the isolation that our abusers tried to impose!

barcher144 posted 8/19/2019 11:23 AM

Isn't it nice to have a partner who feels protective of you instead of throwing you to the wolves?

Actually, it feels terrible. This is not a joke either. I am so fucked up that healthy feels bad and unhealthy feels normal.

I am working on it. Luckily, my GF is a co-dependent too. Her dad was an alcoholic and literally all of her serious past boyfriends and two ex-husbands were alcoholics. So, we help each other out.

Her job is a little easier, I think. She's just happy to know that I am not out getting drunk, misbehaving. In fact, I think that she now likes to date me because I am always the designated driver (I don't like getting drunk, even tipsy... so I almost never, if ever, drink to the point of impairment).

HappyTree posted 8/22/2019 13:20 PM

The friends thing is difficult.

I was also in the situation where I didn't have many friends and the only ones I had my ex pretty much had to "approve" of.

I will say that after the affair, most of our friends refused to talk to him. Those that still do, I've realized that I'm just not that close to them. Like I was their friend before because I just wanted someone but now I do have better options for me.

I have made some AMAZING friends the last few years. Are they crazy and weird? Yep. Do we have SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER? Goodness yes. We are always hugging, always making crafts for each other, always having bond fires and hot tub nights. My new friends are very non-judgemental but always say what is on their mind.

So, with my old pre- approved friends, I still talk to them. I still smile when I see them. But I don't talk about my personal life that much and I keep a safe distance from them. I save my energy for my real friends.

Maybe its time you make some space for some real friends. Finding single moms is a great place to start.

honesttoafault posted 8/25/2019 12:30 PM

Narcissists and shallow people are all about how things "appear". So-called friends that might look nice, or appear to have good jobs etc. My stbxWH looked down on people who I befriended if they didn't meet what his standards were.

One of my sons was taking a springboard diving class twice a week with the town, and I became friendly with a very nice mother of one of his classmates. Stbx makes a comment about me making better friends than an overweight woman who didn't dress right. I couldn't believe my ears!!! This LADY was one of the sweetest, nicest, and caring people I had ever met! To him, and it was all surface.

Idiot!!!

Just as you said, it's a clique. Although we get older, there are still people who still have high school, or even middle school mentality of hanging with what people might deem "cool".

I think the bottom line is that there are hurtful things that our exes have said in the past that somehow gets triggered and comes to the surface. These hurtful comments were like strong pinches at the time and we brushed them off, but enough of them together hurt. We never really thought about them, but we have to look at the reality of where they came from: and insecure, immature mind. Also, as it was about control and isolation for you.

You are free now. Don't let him be the voice in your head. I know my stbx was the voice in my heard for far too long, and sometimes when things are quiet, sometimes his voice that is buried deep inside comes popping out unexpectedly!!

LoveTKO posted 8/25/2019 15:28 PM

My ex always put me down too... I didn't realize until I had my own space how emotionally abused I was. Now I with a nice guy who likes me for me and life is good. I am me again and although I have struggles, life is way better than living with the betrayal, abuse and narcissism.

Sounds like you have a similar BF! Enjoy him and enjoy you... you're worth it. And try to forget those who put negative thoughts in your head. They're not worth it.

{{{{{JanaGreen}}}}}

NorCalLost posted 8/25/2019 15:40 PM

I don't want to be around those women, but the possibly true, possibly not bit of cruelty my ex dropped on me years ago STILL has the effect of making me feel like an awkward high school loser. I HATE that his manipulation still has an effect on me.

I'm sorry (((JanaGreen))) and I do understand, those moments pop up for me too.

In our last conversation 11 months ago, my cheating ex told me that no one in his family thought I belonged with him, but they didn't want to say anything. He knew it would hurt me, because I worked so hard to be good to them and to show them my sincere love for him.

I think it's good to remember that our exes, if they can hurt us with infidelity without remorse, then they can SAY hurtful things without remorse as well.

I try try try to keep that in mind when those thoughts pop into my head of hurtful things he has said to me.