But when it's infidelity, not divorce, it's abuse. The lies. The gaslighting. The crazy AP. The emotional torture.
Being betrayed changes who the BS is.
And the kids get to watch that.
So much this ^^^
And this :
When we cheat, our kids get a different message. They get the message that they weren't important enough or loved enough to come first. They get the message that it's okay to betray the ones you love, and that includes them. They get the message that trust is not something that exists in the family. There is a difference between "growing apart" and just plain leaving.
As someone who divorced H#1, with whom I have children, for non-infidelity related reasons, and is now in limbo with current WH (no kids together) after his infidelity, I’ll explain how the two experiences have affected my children.
XH and I divorced after 12 years of marriage and 3 kids. I met him when I was 19, divorced in early 30s. He was and remains a great friend, and there’s no one else I would rather co-parent with. We had a very amicable divorce, in which we divided up assets, worked out custody schedules, and completed the legal process ourselves, without involving any lawyers. We did IHS for close to a year, to allow the kids time to adjust to the change while also seeing that we could still get along, do things together as a family, and everything was going to be ok. It also allowed us to save up for XH to be able to put a down payment on a house for himself a few miles away, while I stayed in the house we had lived in throughout the marriage. That was 7 years ago; not only is XH still one of my best friends, but now his current W is a friend as well. The two of them have been invaluable to me since DDay, and have offered me so much kindness and support through this hell that WH has caused. Over the last 7 years, we have coparented well, we all sit together and school/sporting events, we spend some holiday time together, sometimes we all even do “family dinners” if it’s a busy week and we all feel like we’re not getting much time with the kids (they are now all middle to high school age, very active, and things get busy). The 4 of us (XH, his W, myself and WH) all work together to ensure everyone gets where they need to be, switch schedules when needed, and in general just work well together to ensure the kids feel supported, loved, and a priority. XH’s W also has a daughter from a previous relationship that is the same age as 2 of my kids with XH; I pick her up from school functions if I’m picking up my kids, she spends the night at my house sometimes, gets included in activities I do with my kids; it’s almost like I gained a stepdaughter too
My kids make jokes all the time about how close we all are, and that when their friends ask what it’s like to have divorced parents, they say it’s like we’re still a big family...which is exactly what the goal was...to minimize any adverse impact of the divorce. They never felt they lost any safety or security, felt like anything was their fault, or felt unwanted or unloved.
Now to current situation with WH. His cheating destroyed me. Broke me beyond what i ever thought was possible. It is the worst pain I’ve ever felt, and I’ve been through some shit in my life. My kids have watched me cry, heard the arguments, dealt with tension and uncertainty in the home for the last 8 months. I’m still a great mother, I still attend all their events and am there for them, but I am different. I am distracted. I am depressed, the initial months of not eating/sleeping after DDay took a toll. I’m not as organized, I forget things. Sometimes I feel I have not been fully present for the last 8 months. The hours of IC, MC, reading, all the effort I have to put in to heal from this...it takes time away from them. I feel I am not even the same person I was before DDay.
In addition, they know of WH’s affair. They’ve always adored him as their stepdad, and they feel some of the same rejection that I feel because of his cheating; like he didn’t really want them or love them (or me), feelings of not being good enough, etc. We also moved into a new home a few months before WH began his affair; I sold the home I owned (that his name was not on, it was all mine) just months before DDay, so that we could have “our” home instead of “my home”. Had DDay occurred when I was still in my old home, I could have just kicked him out, but being in the new home that is in his name that I can’t afford on my own changes things. So there was also the “are we going to have to leave this new home that we just moved into that we love?” from the kids...the uncertainty, the loss of safety. Their relationship with WH is not what it was, despite his efforts to restore it; he feels that loss and expresses it sometimes. It has damaged them just like it has damaged me.
I apologize for the length, but I wanted to clearly illustrate my kids’ experiences in both situations, and the impact that both has had on myself and them. There is absolutely a difference in the negative impact on us between “just leaving a marriage” and the total destruction of a marriage that infidelity causes.