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Donít Want to Monitor Every Move

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TRae519 posted 8/14/2019 00:27 AM

Iíve decided I really donít have the time, energy, or desire to monitor my WS every move. I donít want to check his phone daily, search for new accounts, etc. Heís given me complete access to everything but we all know how easy it is to get a secret phone or other means to cheat if they really want to.

D Day was 6 weeks ago. I found out about his EA by randomly picking up his phone and seeing texts to his AP.

Anyone else just taken the approach that ďthe truth always comes outĒ and laid back? Meaning that Iím not going to do anything and trust my instinct and if anything comes up, Iíll investigate at that time?

Marz posted 8/14/2019 00:34 AM

I wouldn't be a marriage warden either.

However, you should inform the other woman's husband if she's married.

If not you could just enable it further

Wintergarden posted 8/14/2019 04:32 AM

I'm with you both on this. I have always stopped myself checking, telling myself it was only hurting me and stop. When I found the messages on I don't know what made me look, I still have no idea. Maybe there is a time that all comes to light, maybe their time is up, maybe he got too safe, but he did get caught. I don't ever want to be blindsided again. I know I will never have that deep trust again, but I too refuse to be a marriage warden. If he wants to cheat he knows where the front door is. There is no second chance.

RILY posted 8/14/2019 05:59 AM

My wound is still pretty raw. I have stopped checking too. I realised the more i check the more i want to know more. Checking his accounts and his phones is never gonna satisfy my craving to know more, and deep down in me i know the more i know the more hurt i am gonna feel.
Having said these, i know deep down i am never gonna trust him the same way before the affair anymore.
Dear TR, stop monitoring if you are tired. If you both are headed towards R, let the past go and clear your mind. But be strong enough to stand on your own because i realised we can never stop our cheating spouse if they have the intention to cheat again.
I know i will be strong to walk away if this happens again.

Brennan87 posted 8/14/2019 07:29 AM


This is great progress for you to have achieved in such a short time. I'm envious as it took me a little longer to get there.

You are absolutely right, letting go of being the warden is not only freeing for us, but allows us to let go of some control. We cant control whether they will cheat again or not, so why let their problem become our problem.

Kudos to you for hitting this infidelity survivor milestone!

Chaos posted 8/14/2019 08:30 AM

Good for you! If you don't want to do it -don't. But please take the time you would have spent checking and use it on something indulgent for yourself.

I'm not there yet. I go in waves. When the urge strikes - I check [because sadly that's how I found out DDay3].

If I'm not feeling it - I don't. Simple as that. And use the time and brain space on other things. It can be quite liberating.

If I'm feeling like I need to check - I do. Then my brain can move on to other things. I check, release that nagging from my brain, and get on with my day.

This can be a quick cycle or a longer one. It runs the gambit. I go with what I'm feeling in the moment.

WH has that rope. If WH gets complacent and fu*ks up again - that's on him. He would have chosen to use the rope to hang himself. He could use it to wrap us up with a nice bow. He has it - what he does with it is up to him.

Crushed7 posted 8/14/2019 08:58 AM

Being hypervigilant often comes along after betrayal because all trust has been shattered. It is part of trying to avoid being blindsided again, but also plays into setting up the groundwork to see if the WS is trustworthy -- especially so soon after Dday when it isn't uncommon for some WS's to continue to lie and even try to continue the A.

Hypervigilance is exhausting though. Eventually one needs to come to a point where they see it isn't sustainable and that it is up to the WS to align their actions to earn trust and show that they are a good candidate for R.

Going forward, especially at only 6 weeks out, I think it will be important for you to periodically verify. Dropping the daily monitoring will be helpful for you, but you'll want to see the right actions and attitudes from your WS. If something about the actions and attitudes feels off, then it might be time to cross check a few things.

The1stWife posted 8/14/2019 12:36 PM

If I didnít investigate in those earmy days after DDay1 I would never have known what really going on. It was more than just an EA - it was the beginning of him kicking me to the curb.

They were dating behind my back. Had I listened to him it was just ďa small EAĒ.

Iím just sayin........

crazyblindsided posted 8/14/2019 12:44 PM

Anyone else just taken the approach that ďthe truth always comes outĒ and laid back?

Well I'm in this approach but I'm in limbo with no desire to R with who my WS still is.

I was on high alert for 3 straight years only to end up in False R. I don't want to torture myself anymore and that is really what it felt like to me.

I do think it is good to do the first year especially if the WS is showing signs of remorse. It helps validate the trust for a BS where trust has been completely broken. Obviously with my case this exacerbated it to keep finding things.

barcher144 posted 8/14/2019 14:03 PM

Anyone else just taken the approach that ďthe truth always comes outĒ and laid back?

No, I did something really stupid instead. Don't be like me.

I decided to say that I didn't want to monitor her every move, but I would kind of do spot-checks every now and then anyway. I never caught her doing anything, but I definitely gave her the message that I didn't trust her. Because, you know, I didn't trust her.

In the end, the relationship was toxic and she decided that she wanted a divorce because I never trusted her (her opinion) or she wasn't trustworthy (my opinion).

A couple of weeks ago (~10 months after deciding to divorce), I found evidence that she was cheating on me again last year... with a new guy. So, I was correct to not trust her.

And now for the important part:

Since deciding to get divorced, I have met someone new and it's been great. She knows about the infidelity in my life and she bends over backwards to make sure that I am comfortable as far as her not cheating on me. She tells me if her ex BF calls her and asks to meet (she refuses or ignores him). She tells me when one of her male friends asks her to grab a beer and she sends me pictures from the restaurant.

I don't ask for any of this. She has never cheated on me and I have no reason so suspect that she has or will. Yet, she does this stuff anyway.

That's what your wayward spouse should be doing... everything that he possibly can to show you that he is honest. Willingly. Without being asked.

hardtomove posted 8/14/2019 14:38 PM

I wanted to say that the process is very difficult. Some times I think I am self sabotaging the process. I want reconciliation but my actions are telling another story. So what is the real answer? Do I or don't I? How can a person really tell?

AloneAndDrowning posted 8/14/2019 16:23 PM

I'm about 3 months out from Dday. I stopped a while back. I occassionally flip through his phone, but I'm not digging. But I can't live my life like that. If he is going to do it again, I will find out and I will leave 100%. So really it's what he wants to do... either be honest or not.

Cmama posted 8/14/2019 18:38 PM

I read an article recently told from the perspective of a woman who was cheating with a married co-worker. She noted that he had to delete all their texts to each other because his wife was constantly checking his phone. My guess? She'd probably caught him cheating before and was being hyper vigilant. Was it working? Apparently not.

I think a better path is probably to have access to everything so you can check if you want, but no particular time requirement. That way you're not just rug-sweeping or living in denial because you don't enjoy doing it. When you have the urge or your senses are tingling, you can. I hate to say this, but complacency can be helpful in catching people who are doing wrong. They think they're getting away with it and they get careless.

crazyblindsided posted 8/14/2019 18:51 PM

Next move I make when I want to find info I'm going to hire a PI and have them go through the trouble of finding all the proof for me

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/14/2019 19:00 PM

IMO checking is pointless. There are SO many ways to cheat that a BS simply doesn't have time to look at all of them, figure them out, and then get whatever evidence you may find. I know. I've been there. The last time wasn't via any fancy means - I drove by them on the street by total chance. I can't escape that crap apparently...

That being said, the electronic monitoring and them knowing you's laughable. It's like telling your WS what moves you will make so he can move around you. You want total access to phones, email, computer, billing statements, GPS tracking - if they WANT they will get a burner number or a burner phone, a GPS bounce app (that bounces the tracking device to a different location), set up fake email accounts under fake names you've never heard of or thought of, they will hide apps with other apps made for doing nothing but hiding apps, get a pre-paid credit card, use cash, hide things at work, at friend's houses? They will make up people and places to see and reasons for going there that may be flimsy but unverifiable, they can meet in person and leave their phone somewhere else...the list is endless.

And what does the BS get to do? Worry. Wonder. Spend countless hours of time and potentially money for cell phone trackers, second GPS devices, wireless signal scanners...and for what? To either find something or know you didn't find something (but it still could be there anyway). I know that for me, finding something was almost a relief because I could stop wondering.

I'm not saying you can't R - I'm just saying that monitoring is crazy-making (for the BS) and just a big fucking game for the WS if they are not committed to R.

barcher144 posted 8/15/2019 07:04 AM

Next move I make when I want to find info I'm going to hire a PI and have them go through the trouble of finding all the proof for me

I don't know how expensive PIs are, but in hindsight, I really like this idea. My WS lied so much and so often that the consequence, after the fact, is that I question my reality. The PI would have serious evidence, but more importantly... an outside opinion that would be helpful.

AmIAnIdiot15 posted 8/15/2019 13:34 PM

I'm also not interested in monitoring every single thing. Doesn't mean I won't pick his phone up and look at it every now and then.

sassylee posted 8/16/2019 03:31 AM

I was the opposite. Every time I checked his phone, his whereabouts, his online activities and found nothing amiss - my ability to trust grew. Eventually, Iíd pick up his phone to check and think ďHeís been honest for x number of months - I donít need to check today.Ē Maybe the difference is my husband didnít know all of my techniques for checking. He knew I was checking his texts but I had numerous other ways of checking he knew nothing about.

Also, my checking was NEVER about preventing further contact with OW - I just didnít want to wake up 20 years from dday to learn he was still at it. I wasnít going to waste another day in a marriage of 3.

Checking was about keeping myself as safe as possible and being aware of the reality of my life so I could act accordingly in my own self interest. The day he discovered Iíd activated find my iPhone on his cell, I bawled for hours. I needed to know that he was giving up his nefarious activities because he wanted to - not because I would find out.

Luna10 posted 8/16/2019 06:59 AM

Well my checking sent the ow over the edge as she suddenly couldnít talk to the love of her life whenever she wanted. So she tried the ďyour wife is abusing you by checking your every moveĒ and gradually moved to ďif you donít unblock me now to call me Iíll call your wifeĒ to later on ďI want you to call me on Saturday to show me you care about me or Iíll call your wife and tell her weíre still in contactĒ (apparently they were friends only following dday 1 and thatís what friends do, they force and threaten each other).

So he saw who she was, not a friend in the end, and had two choices, confess or allow the ow to call me. He confessed and literally asked me to tidy up his mess. Which I did because Iím nice like that.

Iím almost two years from dday 1. I donít check as much anymore. In fact I donít remember the last time I checked. I know he can hide another affair if he wants. I know the truth will come out eventually. But I also know that if I feel like checking I will.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/16/2019 08:20 AM

Luna - funny, my WH did the same thing (blocking etc) and she just put up with it. Eventually she did contact me, and it was pretty ugly...and you know what, he went back for more anyway. Sigh. I really thought this would happen:

So he saw who she was, not a friend in the end, and had two choices, confess or allow the ow to call me.

But instead he was (is) a coward and a liar and so very very very broken...and he knows it. I just think he's not capable of sticking to anything for long - he seems to be permanently stuck in his own little personal limbo, not with me, but in his whole life.

So - the monitoring for me is totally and utterly pointless and as it just upsets me to find things, I'd rather just not know and get on with moving on without him. I think the monitoring gives a false sense of security to the BS when the reality is, the advice here is always spot on - ACTIONS will tell you. You will know if they are really committed to R or not by what they are doing - and that is all you should really care about anyway. If they are not committed to R and that is what you want then who cares if they are still in affair-land really? Either way, affair or not, the BS isn't getting what they need to go forward, and that should be all the evidence you need.

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