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Avoiding Relapse

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Zugzwang posted 8/10/2019 21:55 PM

I'm not trying to make excuses here but not going to get into semantics either

I don't think anyone is trying to draw you into semantics. It really just matters how you word a NC. That is why we are asking you. If you said couldn't to him, then it leaves a door open to him. A hope. Where as. I never want to talk to you again or see you again is a big difference than I couldn't. Couldn't to me from an AP says, "I still want you but my husband will find out and I can't rock the boat right now maybe later when things cool down."

What WOE states.

Zugzwang posted 8/10/2019 22:00 PM

Might your BH leave when you tell him?
There is the truth of why you should tell. If there is a might you are afraid of and you don't tell, then you are keeping a caged bird. You are manipulating him to stay with you out of your decisions and not his informed right to his own free agency. A caged bird. What type of marriage is that? None. There is nothing. No truths. No transparency. No vulnerability. No intimacy. Just a caged bird. To not tell for any WS is unforgivable. You stay wayward because you have all the control over someone elses life.

VioletElle posted 8/11/2019 09:14 AM

You are feeling low and want to go back to the moments

That's when it really hits and his timing feels like a curse. He never seems to contact me when things are going well and I'm not thinking depressive thoughts. It just starts with one of those how are you feeling sort of conversations.

Remind me where OBS is in this picture?

I think that means, "other betrayed spouse" and if so, there isn't one. He isn't married. I don't know if that's a complication or at least one thing I didn't destroy. I broke up with him when he wanted me to leave my husband for him. I never felt such pain as I did when he asked that, it was like physical pain, just realizing how far it had all gone.

VioletElle posted 8/11/2019 09:25 AM

There is the truth of why you should tell.

I will tell him, I'm just scared to. I'm not sure how he will react, but I doubt he would leave me over it. I didn't go through with it. We've been to therapy and he knows that I've struggled with my attraction to the OM. That has been in the open already.

thatwilldo posted 8/11/2019 13:01 PM

VioletElle,

you said,


I will tell him, I'm just scared to.

That's what will restore your integrity. Of course, it'll be hard, but you'll begin to be able to work on yourself openly and your BS will help you to get rid of this loser.

Be brave and tell him what's been happening in his life.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/11/2019 20:37 PM

Just remember that it's worse to tell him today than it would have been yesterday, but much, much better than tomorrow. Every day he spends thinking he's in recovery is a day he loses in real recovery.

I do know how scary it is, though. I do.


((VioletElle))

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 8:39 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

prissy4lyfe posted 8/11/2019 21:09 PM

You doubt he will leave...

And that's the problem. You have no actual consequences for your behavior.

I certainly hopes he considers leaving for no other reason than he needs to stop taking care you.

You are selfishly asking him to watch and support you as you grieve your AP.

anoldlion posted 8/11/2019 22:00 PM

What would be your reaction if it was your husband lusting after another woman and you didn't know? Whatever your reaction would be multiply it by 100 and that is where your husband will be.
I do wish you well

Amarula posted 8/12/2019 06:04 AM

Thatís when it really hits and his timing feels like a curse. He never seems to contact me when things are going well and Iím not thinking depressive thoughts. It just starts with one of those how are you feeling sort of conversations.

Yes, youíre cursed VioletElle, itís just bad luck that he contacts you when youíre feeling down. You did not ask for it, but there you go, youíve got mail when youíre feeling down. Itís almost magical ...

The fact is if you leave the door open to contact, chances are there will be contact. I understand you USED to work with the other man, there is therefore no reason to communicate with him for work purposes, which makes NC more difficult to implement. That is not your case. Why is he not blocked? Why havenít you changed your phone number, your email address? Many WSs, really wanting to reconcile, do whatever it takes to prevent contact, even it that means going through the administrative hassle of having to give new contact details to family, friends, work, banks, etc.

Why havenít you done it?

In June, you wrote in another thread:

I know the feeling all to well and it's truely miserable. It's just a backsliding feeling, like it's ok to just find out how he's doing. Then you're talking and falling into old patterns. If you've broken before just try to remember that feeling right after.

Whoís contacting who?

Lalagirl posted 8/12/2019 08:10 AM

The fact is if you leave the door open to contact, chances are there will be contact. I understand you USED to work with the other man, there is therefore no reason to communicate with him for work purposes, which makes NC more difficult to implement. That is not your case. Why is he not blocked? Why havenít you changed your phone number, your email address? Many WSs, really wanting to reconcile, do whatever it takes to prevent contact, even it that means going through the administrative hassle of having to give new contact details to family, friends, work, banks, etc.

Amarula, that's spot on.

VioletElle - Take the first step - block him. Today.

Chaos posted 8/12/2019 08:23 AM

Agree with others. You need to block him immediately. From everything.

Until you do - you are still actively betraying your husband.

Any contact, text, message, look and even thought is a betrayal. Any contact, text, message, look and even thought is another twist of the knife. Any contact, text, message, look and even thought is resetting that clock.

I hope you realize that before it is too late for you. Sadly, when your BH finds out you are still communicating it already may be.

You can take that first step towards healing by blocking him from everything. Even your thoughts.

Zugzwang posted 8/12/2019 09:03 AM

I'm just scared to.
At least you are being honest for the reason you haven't told. That is something to be proud of. Now, take that honesty and integrity to the next step. Build on the bravery.

Zugzwang posted 8/12/2019 09:23 AM

You doubt he will leave...

And that's the problem. You have no actual consequences for your behavior.

I certainly hopes he considers leaving for no other reason than he needs to stop taking care you.

You are selfishly asking him to watch and support you as you grieve your AP.

Agree, because I did just that. Selfishly took my wife's (what I thought was unconditional love) for granted and took advantage of it. It was a conscience choice. I knew and I banked on her not leaving to play all I wanted till my feet were held to the fire. That is a whole other level of self disgust to face. That it took that. Not my wife's pain to jump out. There will be a ton of self hate that you allowed yourself to get to that point. A ton of shame and guilt to work through that you were that selfish and cruel. Do your best to learn from that. Just stop doing this. Stop taking his love for granted and stop taking advantage of another human being.

SorrowfulMoon posted 8/12/2019 10:03 AM

This seems like a marriage from hell. A codependent husband and a wayward wife who will not let OM go.

Tell your husband. He will not leave you. You know that. What he will do though is be very very hurt and very disappointed in you, and yet you do not even want to face that in your own selfish world.

This:

Iamtrash
I wish I would have either divorced or committed to fixing my marriage. There never should have been a 3rd option.

and this:
WalkinOnEggshelz
I think the first place to go is to your husband and be honest about what has been happening. He deserves to know

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 10:04 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

hatefulnow posted 8/12/2019 10:22 AM

Keep in mind that cheaters are liars. It DOES NOT necessarily follow that they are evil. Just very flawed.

The OM doesn't want to really be with you...not the REAL you. Just the fun, new, footloose and fancy free you. The you on your best behavior. The nice looking you, the nice smelling you. The you that doesn't nag, or judge or is critical or making demands. He wants the you that can be pulled off the shelf and put back when he grows tired or bored.

Now, maybe he thinks he does want you, care about you and love you. I doubt he does because he doesn't really know you. How can he? There are people who are married for years who still don't really know each other fully even though they spend copious amounts of time together and do love each other. All you've given each other is 'snapshots' of each other.

As a BH, I have definite feelings towards an OM. Generally, they don't really want YOU and they know it. You are, to them, a woman who has made herself sexually available to him that he doesn't really have to commit to. I think this is typical. If reality crept in for them, the way it has done for many spoken of here and the way I made it happen for my XWW AP, they'd vanish like a fart in a hurricane. I believe this man is just telling you what he feels you need to hear to suck you back in. And why not? What does he have to lose by taking a shot? Worst case for him is you say no and he has to look elsewhere. But you risk everything. You could lose everything.

Resend a NC worded strongly but clinically, like a business letter:

"AP, this letter is to inform you that I wish no further contact from you, for any reason. Not even to acknowledge reciept of this letter.
It is our final communication. It is my wish that you respect my feeling on this, but if you cannot, be aware that any future communication from you will be shared with my spouse, your spouse (if applicable), our attorney, HR (if applicable) and perhaps the police. Good bye."

Short, not so sweet, and to the point. And tell your spouse today what's been going on. He has the right to know just as you would were your positions reversed.

Lalagirl posted 8/12/2019 11:24 AM

Reread hatefulnow's post over and over, especially the 4th paragraph and then narrow in on the last sentence of said paragraph.

You can do this, VioletElle...block him.

Pippin posted 8/13/2019 05:29 AM

VioletElle, in the threads/responses you've had since you came, I don't think you've ever talked about your whys - why do you need to run away from your life to the OM. I think a part of you you still wants to interact with the OM because you haven't done anything to repair the underlying cause of your unhappiness. If I remember correctly you started having some tender interactions with your husband around basketball, but that's too little to fix whatever was driving you to have an affair. You mentioned some sexual problems but they didn't strike me as anything unsurmountable.* I think I remember that your husband is rug-sweeping? Did you have an affair to blow up the complacent unhappiness you felt in your marriage, and that didn't work? Have you started working on why you were so unhappy? We can you techniques and stiffen your spine to not reach out to the OM, and remind you that he is by definition not a good man, but none of that is a long term fix.


* sorry couldn't help it

VioletElle posted 8/13/2019 09:13 AM

I told him about what happened and he wasn't angry with me, more disappointed in me, which felt worse for some reason. He didn't really believe me when I said I didn't do it. Why would he? Asked me if I used protection and I wasn't even insulted at the implication. He's probably pretty sick of my lies, so even when I tell the truth it's worth pretty much the same.

Lalagirl posted 8/13/2019 09:26 AM

I'm proud of you for being honest with your H, VioletElle...I know that was not easy.

But you did it!

I know this sounds mean, but I totally do not intend it that way...but it's good that you feel bad and ashamed that he's disappointed in you - this shows you have a conscience. Are these feelings of shame helping you feel less inclined to want to contact the OM? If so, another good thing came from this.


VioletElle posted 8/13/2019 10:07 AM

I don't want to contact the OM, I don't want to even if we fail to R. I hate myself for going to him. He knows my emotional state and tried to take advantage of it anyways. That doesn't make me innocent, but it certainly doesn't make him someone I could love. The fact that he knows me in am intimate way is something I just have to live with.

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