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Avoiding Relapse

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Zugzwang posted 9/21/2019 07:56 AM

What do you think you are not getting at home that you get there?

She has caught what is at home. She most likely gets a high just from the AP pining for her.

her pride and strong character gets in the way!
Her pride, selfishness, entitlement, and fear get in the way. There is nothing strong about that. Just fear and desperation to grab onto whatever reputation she has left.
I believe she wants to do the right thing, she just doesnít know how, because by her own admission, she has been this way all her life and never had to face any consequences for it. She wants answers but when she is given them, she refuses to do the necessary soul searching and engage in fact-finding conversations with an open heart. Instead, she chooses to use this platform just for venting and getting some of the guilt that was bottled up inside of her off her chest.
I agree except she does know how. She just refuses as of yet to let go of the unhealthy self she is. Her reputation/pride is more important. Even when it makes her miserable and unhealthy. Unfortunately the only way forward will be with more pain inflicted on others till she gets disgusted enough with who she is. I agree it is about power, control, and the chase.

HellFire posted 9/21/2019 08:04 AM

Considering what she has said about us, and SI, on this thread, and others, it's obvious she feels superior to us. We are beneath her. So we are all in the same boat as her husband.

I hope,someday, her husband finds peace, happiness, and love with a woman who deserves him. Because he loves her, I hope he finds all of this with her. But she would have to do a 180, and since she thinks she is not the problem,that everyone else is ludacris and pathetic, I don't see that happening. I feel sorry for her.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:05 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

BeyondRage posted 9/21/2019 08:45 AM

But in fact, he's given up. There are no calls to work to try and end run her blockade. Suddenly, it appears that she wasn't all that indispensable. And so coming here and taking pot shots at the posters who have it all wrong is a way to feel powerful again. It's no affair, it's a pretty pale substitute for the fun she had with OM, but at least she can roll her eyes and tell us to stop whining. Because it's really painful to realize that OM didn't show up and audition for that role after all.

BSR

It would actually be a blessing for her husband if you are correct. But its hard to believe an OM who has more than once lured her back into bed and or contact would give up that easily. The wayward folks on this thread sure did not think her turn down she posted was real forceful.

If you are correct it would be very easy to answer the simple question since last relapse has there been any further. If the answer to that was NO then the entire narrative of this thread would change. And if it was YES a lot of folks would stop even bothering.

Falconer posted 9/21/2019 10:49 AM

Look, I understand that by attributing her motives to something she lacks in her character somehow gives us some kind of relief. ď She does this because she needs control. She does this because she needs to feel powerful. She does this because she needs her AP to desire her. She does this because she needs validationĒ and the list goes on and on...

While I agree that these are certainly feelings she must be feeling inevitably during the affair, and what most people seek in affairs, in her case it could be just good old desire to have someone new and different than her husband. She actually admitted that her AP was the exact opposite of her husband sexually, while answering a question.

She is certainly acting very selfish and entitled but I donít believe these are the driving motives behind her affair, but rather enabling factors of the affair. She does this because she loves having sex with someone completely different than her husband in bed, and while she knows damn well it is wrong and very unjust, she does it anyway because she can! She does it because she has no fear of losing her husband. She does it because she is well aware of the fact that there wonít be any serious consequences.

We as men would like to think that women wouldnít really do it just for some desire or need to have something different and new. Because it comforts us in some level and helps us to protect our masculinity. Itís not that we couldnít keep them interested, it was because they have such a weak character that needed some external validation! Well, that may very well be true in many cases, but not every time, and certainly not in this particular case.

I believe that she has a very strong character, very confident, cleary intelligent and articulate and I donít believe for a moment that she needs any sort of external validation to feel better about herself! She knows what she wants and she just selfishly takes it without much regard to her husbandís feelings. And she does feel bad afterwards cause she is not a malicious type of person either. Very selfish, but not malicious.

In a way, her affair upsets me a lot more than the type of affairs that are described above which are the results of some need of external validation of sort. She isnít like those women who are too weak to get control of the situation, who desperately need the continuation of the affair to feel better about whatever they feel like they lack in their personality. Oh no, she is in full control of her mental capacity and well aware of the full implications of this thing. She can stop this damn thing any time she wants without much difficulty! Sure she will pine over her AP for a while, as she may have very well got attached to him over time, but she will get over him soon enough.

But no, she doesnít do it because she simply doesnít want to. I mean, why should she stop when it is something she wants and something that makes her feel good when she knows very well there wonít be any real repercussions?

The same goes for making it right with her husband. She knows what he is going through and she knows exactly what she needs to do to build him back up again. She just doesnít know how to bring her self doing it! Because she is so used to always having her way, she just doesnít know how to put her pride aside and make her husbandís feelings her number one priority! She doesnít know how to do it, because she never practiced this before!

And it pisses me off, because this can be learned! It isnít necessarily an innate ability, but rather something that can be picked up through patience and hard work and by listening to people who have been in these similar situations. She is strong and more than capable of accomplishing this and healing her husband and making him happy again, yet her damn pride just simply doesnít let her do it! It has to be her way or else!

And then the guilt sets in! She does feel guilty because she knows all of this! She feels guilty because she knows she can fix this whole thing and it is very wrong not to do it when she is able to! And whenever anyone tells her anything that needs to be done which she knows it to be true already, she just gets upset! Because that would mean changing her ways completely! Changing her ways that she has been so accustomed to all her life! Which will also change the entire power dynamics in her relationship by the way! And once she does this, there is no going back! Itís goodbye to that selfish VioletElle who always gets her way and playing fun and games!

She knows this. Yet she wonít do it. She can easily fix her husband just like she broke him, but she wonít do it because of this. Instead, she just lets it lay, hoping that maybe, just maybe he will be allright somehow. I mean she loves him, and she hasnít left him, so what more does he want anyway?

In a way, I would say that VioletElleís husband is in no danger of being abandoned by his wife which is opposite of many husbandís situations whose wifes have affairs. Because I believe unless her husband revolts against her and this whole situation, she would never leave him. The wifes that leave finds something in their AP that they want in their life permanently. Well, VioletElle has that already with her husband and she loves him for it! Unless I am very wrong, there is nothing her AP can give her that she would need in her life indefinetely. She doesnít think he is someone she can grow old with and share all of the things that a shared life entails. No, instead he does serve a certain purpose that makes her happy, that she desires and thatís that. Thatís a good enough reason for her to indulge herself in this seflish escapade.

I know that the picture I draw here might be very disturbing for some, but picturing her as a weak woman who is in need of external validation and gets it through an affair she has no control over doesnít accomplish a damn thing. Same thing goes for vilifying her to no end. If there will come any solution out of this, and I hope that it will, it will be through helping her see herself in the mirror if that is at all possible. I may have gotten some things wrong, but I am sticking to my main thesis.

Booyah posted 9/21/2019 13:55 PM

Hate to be blunt but I'm going to point out what it appears everyone is dancing around. What I see here is a woman who learned a long time ago that she could get what she wants by using her pussy. Don't mean to be crass but here me out.

She has her husband wrapped around her finger by putting him in a pussy coma and he puts up with all of her crap (and affair) because he more than likely married up and he likes what he gets from her between the sheets (and loves the image of her being his wife) and he doesn't want to see it end so he doesn't put up much of a fight and he'll never walk away from her (AND SHE KNOWS THIS). So she can (and does) whatever she wants.

Oh she claims she hates guys hitting/flirting with her, but she knows it serves it's purpose for her. Husband doesn't rock her world between the sheets well let me use my pussy to snatch another guy (problem solved). Who cares that she has a husband at home.

She won't cut off contact with OM because she LOVES having men scratching at her door. It validates her and she loves being in control. It's one big game to her where she doesn't lose. Her husbands pain is just white noise.

Why hasn't she cut OM off, "the point was and is, THAT IF THE DESIRE REMAINS all the blocks and paranoia in the world won't change it".

She LOVES being chased!!!!

"I never initiate the contact, EVER".

"It's that girl who I'm in love with and not him (OM). But I'm not 22 anymore and she isn't good for me".

Nope she sure isn't but you'll never walk away from being that girl because it's ALWAYS gotten you what you want and you have ALWAYS liked the power it brings you!!!

"I've gotten a pass for EVERYTHING I've EVER done since as long AS I CAN REMEMBER"!!!

I wonder why that is?

"I don't want to chase anymore. I've had enough men chasing me in my life that I'd be happy if I were never chased again".

I say this is total bullshit because she's NEVER BEEN THE ONE DOING THE CHASING!!

"I like to be to be treated like a woman when it comes to romance".

"Call me an entitled princess or whatever else, I need that sort of thing to feel good about my relationship and I want it from him".

And if you don't you go break your vows and fuck another man because you get what you want!!

She doesn't want help.

Take this for what it's worth, but it would behoove you to get into IC. You have no idea who you are and it's about time you come to the conclusion that going through life always "getting a pass for everything you do" is no way to live.

Amarula posted 9/21/2019 14:23 PM

And how powerful one must feel to have an army of triggering BSes begging her to see the light. Ignore. Let this thread die.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/21/2019 22:20 PM

Stop piling on and post respectfully. Step away from the thread if you are unable to do so.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/21/2019 22:25 PM

Booyah, you have a pm

Endy posted 9/27/2019 20:08 PM

I think it is high time you put an end to this , show some respect to your husband! I bet you wonít feel good if the reverse was the case

VioletElle posted 9/29/2019 04:39 AM

She does it because she has no fear of losing her husband. She does it because she is well aware of the fact that there wonít be any serious consequences

A lot of what you said is true, but there are serious consequences. I do love my husband and would never leave him. It hurts me very deeply what I've done to him. I don't shrug that off. This isn't about all the good things I've done. That's not why I'm up at 4 in the morning overcome with guilt. It's because of all the bad things I've done and the perfect person that I'm not.

I don't despise my husband. We had sex tonight and it was lovely. It was a very loving expression of our committment. I felt overcome with joy from the intimacy. But part of me feels like I don't deserve it and I don't sleep well. I haven't slept well in a very long time. I know I'm a selfish person but I do care about him and love him more than anything besides our kids. I do know that he would never leave me and he tells me that too. But that doesn't mean there aren't consequnces. Hasn't anyone ever hurt someone they love? Do you know what that feels like? I don't take that lightly. I'm not reveling in the power I have over him. I just want to be better for him all the time.

[This message edited by VioletElle at 4:40 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Justsomelady posted 9/29/2019 07:48 AM

Yes weíve hurt people we love and it sucks. I sleep well now but didnít before. I think because I am honest with my husband now and we are communicating and I am showing him how much he means to me. I put him before me now, where I was selfish before. I lost that privilege for a while because of the EA. It also helps that I understand myself more through therapy work - I am working on my insecurities.

What have you done lately, actual steps to make amends and improve situation so you can feel less guilty? Are you still in touch with, or have you left an unblocked door open too, the POSOM? Are you clear and honest with your husband and putting your husband first? Are you in therapy? Those are all things that help.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:54 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

HellFire posted 9/29/2019 08:38 AM

Sorry, wrong thread

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:42 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

sleepylove posted 9/29/2019 22:15 PM

I'm not reveling in the power I have over him.

Seriously VE?

Justsomelady posted 9/30/2019 06:19 AM

Good point, sleepylove

Zugzwang posted 9/30/2019 08:13 AM

It's because of all the bad things I've done and the perfect person that I'm not.

I know that. Every comment we have made to you is about that. You are more about that then anything. Finding out that you aren't the perfect person you wanted to be and made out to be. Protecting that and holding onto that at all costs. Do you really love yourself? Often, those that hold onto pride even when faced with how cruel they were don't love themselves. You state you love your husband. How is anything you have done love? You love selfishly. Object love. Your husband deserves more. Just think about that love. Stew on it. Define it. Do you really think it is possible to love someone if you don't even love yourself? Do you really think being so self absorbed even leaves room for real love for your husband? Or is it value? Value? When will you give selflessly and let go of the pride and trying to grasp the perfect person you aren't. Will you lose it all just to grasp at a fantasy person you aren't or will you risk it all to become the person you pretend to be?

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 8:16 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

DoinBettr posted 9/30/2019 10:06 AM

I am going to turn this a little for you.
You feel safe to love him because you have security. You know he will not leave. That is a warm blanket in a cold winter outside.
He doesn't have that warmth. He has to try to be perfect to keep you from leaving him. He questions if he will ever be good enough. He will try as hard as he can and stay as quiet as possible to not leave the perfect you he thinks he has.
If you feel less than perfect, why not push to make him feel perfect, feel safe, feel comfortable. That is love. That feeling he gives you.
How do you give him that feeling back?
You obviously aren't following the play book, so try to make a few concessions and do something to make your husband feel special today. You are up at 4am feeling guilt, he is up at 3am crying and feeling fear you are gone.

VioletElle posted 10/2/2019 09:34 AM

Are you still in touch with, or have you left an unblocked door open too, the POSOM? Are you clear and honest with your husband and putting your husband first? Are you in therapy? Those are all things that help.

We are not in touch. I don't want anything to do with him. I had feelings for him, it's not like I would have dated him if I didn't. It has been hard saying that I will never talk to him again and yes, it's made me sad too. I may not seem consistent, well because I'm not consistent. I've been an emotional train wreck. But I know that I don't want him in my life anymore. I don't need to go through any purging of anything. It's the desire and not the ability that is the problem.

We were in therepy but my husband won't go anymore. He thinks it's a waste of time and we should be able to work this out ourselves. He would rather I don't see a therapist, but said he won't tell me not to. I've decided to do it his way wihtout what he calls "outside interference". I don't really have anyone to talk about this stuff with, but I made my own bed here.

[This message edited by VioletElle at 9:35 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Zugzwang posted 10/2/2019 15:20 PM

So, did you block every way he can contact you?

BeyondRage posted 10/2/2019 15:30 PM

Violet

We are not in touch. I don't want anything to do with him. I had feelings for him, it's not like I would have dated him if I didn't

No, you are not initiating contact. And you don't want anything to do with him so you say. Your problem is it does not matter what you say about this because he wants contact with you. And he will not cease taking a shot and putting out a feeler now and then UNTIL he is absolutely convinced his penis is NEVER EVER again getting in the same zip code as you.

Most of the waywards responding to you initially were not too convinced about your last conversation which was more of a "not now, I just confessed' and i don't want to have sex with you now" rather than a fuck off and don't dare ever call me again.

After all, you have relapsed at least once and all he has to do is get 'lucky' one time and hes back in business so to say.

I had feelings for him, it's not like I would have dated him if I didn't.

Very strange choice of words. most people here my guess is would not call fucking another man behind your husbands back "dating". Were you telling your husband you were going on "dates?"

It has been hard saying that I will never talk to him again and yes, it's made me sad too.

Looks like you are still pining for OM. You say you don't want him in your life anymore it appears you think somehow you are going to be "just friends" at some point because if you mean what you say you would take the steps that he is out of your life not matter what he wants. You're still not will to as others have said "close the door" completely. There is saying i have seen here, actions not words. You are saying the words but refuse to do the action.

Of course this is pretty understandable because there are absolutely no consequences for you no matter what. My guess is you could tell your husband you are going to start "dating' OM again and he would be "disappointed but do nothing. And you probably know that.

Actually you at least are acknowledging your thoughts to an extent. Your husband is the one who needs therapy. I wonder what the percentage on men on here would be who after you broke NC would have politely said i am disappointed and then put his head in the sand.

I am guessing you must be fairly wealthy because of the cavalier way you have reacted to getting divorced with children still in the home if that occurred or if he stepped out of line. Most couples do not come out financially equal separated supporting two households. This impact on your child or children seems a non factor for you. I wonder how nonchalant you actually would be if you had the papers in front of you, but your husband is playing the pick me game so no worries that will happen.
He doesn't want anyone to know because he knows what they would tell him as would the folks here.

Somewhere down the line you are going to have to decide either OM stays in your life or the opening still exists or you cut it forever. I wouldn't bet you pick the latter.

You are anxious and upset because you are still leading a double emotional life and because you are getting away with it no reason to hurry the withdrawal. and maybe you deserve to be sad, no? Because that call from OM is going to come again, you know it, and your husband knows it.
It could make you anxious just knowing that and trying to figure out how you tell or not tell husband when it does.

Once you purge this guy from your life you anxiety will go way down when there is nothing to hide and not going to be anything to hide.
i hope you get there.

VioletElle posted 10/2/2019 17:34 PM

Very strange choice of words.

Dating, fucking....what's the difference? He was fucking me, is that better?

I'm not trying to be friends with him. He wanted that, but I know that would never work or be true. You can't just go back to that. I'm not trying to keep the door open, I'm just saying I had feelings and that they don't just vanish. He wanted a lot of things from me, he even wanted me to leave my family for him. I never wanted to do that, but we weren't just meeting to fuck either. I messed up really badly. I'm an awful person for it, but I still have feelings and I love my husband past my supposed desire to belittle him; something I've never once actually felt.

This impact on your child or children seems a non factor for you.†

What, am I supposed to apologize for that? Just because it wouldn't affect them financially, doesn't mean it wouldn't have an effect on them. We aren't married as a business arrangement. Our kids are the most important people in my life. I don't even care about money.

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