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Avoiding Relapse

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VioletElle posted 8/20/2019 08:48 AM

I wasn't really saying I was expecting an apology that didn't happen. Just saying that it's something I would expect if he lashes out at me.

He did lash out and he did apologize. He's a really great guy, really great. I'm very fortunate and I know it. He's patient with me and has understanding for my faults. If the day ever came where he treats me with unconcerned contempt then we would get divorced.......and yah yah yah, I understand what I did and how it can be seen as treating him with contempt, but he does have the ability to leave me if he wanted to.

I want to be a better person and I wish I had his strength of character. It's all those things I don't see in myself that I love him for. Because the truth is that if he cheated on me, I probably would have gone off the deep end and tries to ruin his life after divorcing him. He forgave me and I am very grateful. That doesn't make me a perfect person. I'm still a very flawed person. I lie, I do things that hurt the people I love and I have a nasty temper. But for some reason he still loves me and I want to make him right for it.

VioletElle posted 8/20/2019 09:00 AM

About changing numbers and emails, no, I haven't done any of that. The reality of it is that he would be able to find me if he wanted to. I have social media and I do use it to share stuff with my friends. There are other ways too. It's really just up to me to not read any messages or look at any texts. It's not about him, it's myself that I have to worry about.

BluesPower posted 8/20/2019 09:03 AM

If the day ever came where he treats me with unconcerned contempt then we would get divorced

Well golly gee, isn't that what you did with him by having an affair. Are you really serious with this statement.

You very well may be the most entitled wayward to ever post on this forum.

Wow, just wow, I cannot even imagine...

Wool94 posted 8/20/2019 09:39 AM

I lie, I do things that hurt the people I love and I have a nasty temper.

Why?


The reality of it is that he would be able to find me if he wanted to.

Again, why do you make it to where he wants to?

Let me give you am example.

Immediately after my wife and I decided to R, her AP tried to contact her. She had already sent an NC letter.

My wife did the right thing and showed me.

He was a policeman. We went right to where he works and asked them to stop him from contacting us.

He got into some trouble there, but didn't learn his lesson.

In November of 2016 on the election night while we're watching the news coverage of the election, he contacted my wife again.

He gives her a sob story asking why she would turn him in and how could he trust her again.

She showed me the messages and we played along. She told him that I had made her turn him in. Then we gave him a fake email account so he could reach her.

Now, obviously I'm monitoring the emails.

They email each other back and forth right up until we're sitting in the police department with internal investigations.

He got some serious time off. He lost the apartment he and his family were living in.

Unfortunately, he hasn't reached out anymore. By the end I was having fun!

Kick this POS to the curb and make it to where he doesn't want any part of you!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 9:40 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

VioletElle posted 8/20/2019 09:53 AM

I would get no enjoyment from that. None whatsoever. Under any circumstance.

Wool94 posted 8/20/2019 10:31 AM

It's not about you! You want to know how to keep him away from you? Give him repercussions to his decision.

My wife's AP is scared to death of us now. And you know what? He should be!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 11:55 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Lalagirl posted 8/20/2019 11:23 AM

You want to know how to keep him away from you, give him repercussions to his decision.

That's good stuff!

VioletElle, he may find other means to contact you, but you can take some initiative and block him. You never know, it may be all that's needed. Nothing beats a failure but a try.

Chaos posted 8/20/2019 11:28 AM

We do live in the techno era. Anyone can find anyone with the click or two of some buttons.

But...ask yourself why you are making it so easy [by not blocking him from everything you can think of]? Why are you leaving the door open?

When I leave for work in the morning, I lock my doors. Anyone could technically break the windows and get in but that usually doesn't happen - it's just not worth the effort. When they find the door locked, they pass by and go to the next house or car trying doors. I suggest you lock yours.

VioletElle posted 8/20/2019 11:40 AM

I guess I see it as my responsibility and I know my husband doesn't want me to make a production out of this to the point where our friends start having thoughts. In fact, this would be his absolute nightmare. If I deleted all my accounts and changed my phone number and changed my email, it would be rather obvious something was up. I have a lot of friends and I wouldn't have a good answer to why I did all that and really I don'y want to come up with a story either. My husband wpuld be absolutely mortified if anyone started asking questions and yes, we do share many of the same friends.

HellFire posted 8/20/2019 11:41 AM

Have you had any consequences as a result of your cheating,and putting your husband through false R?

DoinBettr posted 8/20/2019 11:48 AM

VE - You seem to be really into keeping scores. He better apologize after being mean. Ok, I'm mean too, but he is better, but he better apologize.
Every day, your husband is going to feel like he isn't worthy of love. He is a better man. You know if you left him, you would probably end up with someone like you. Is that what you really want?

Look at your husband. He has shown he loves you more than you even love yourself. He tries to fix you, when the broken parts you use to hurt him.
Why don't you love this kind of selflessness?
In your next session of IC, write out what you expect love to look like and what you expect from love.
Then be 100% honest with yourself, write out how and which parts you are doing?
Then write out how and which parts your husband is doing?
Look at what you expect, what you do, and what you want. It might make you realize you have a good example of what you should be doing.
Also, apologize daily to your husband for hurting him. It is the minimum you can do.
Plus, since he isn't hurting you, why not take away your exit. You keep checking to make sure divorce isn't coming from him. Like you want to pull that trigger first if he tries to divorce you. Is it control or pride that makes you want to be the first to pull that trigger if it comes.
Why not take it off the table entirely? Give your BH complete control over divorce decisions. If you want it, you have to talk him into it, not force him by behaving badly, talk.
Then you know, without one hand on the exit, you now have to try harder.
I think you could fix this, you just have so far to go it is shocking. It is even shocking you. Do you think you are worth it? If not, why does your husband?
Give him a kiss and say your sorry when he gets sarcastic. It is him trying to raise issues without being mean.

Chaos posted 8/20/2019 11:53 AM

People get new accounts, phone numbers, emails, etc. all the time due to identity theft. Sad, but true. Inconvenient as Hell. But common.

And technically "my identity was compromised" is not really a lie.

[This message edited by Chaos at 11:53 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

HellFire posted 8/20/2019 12:11 PM

Do you want to cut off all avenues that he could use to contact you? Yes, he might still try. But do you even want to? Because it really looks like you want him to keep trying. You like it. Enjoy it. Maybe even look forward to it.

Do you still have feelings for OM?

It would be so easy to give your husband a tiny bit of comfort. Change your number, and email, and only give them to close friends, and family. Get off social media. These,along with NC, are the absolute bare minimum a WW should do if they want to help their BH.

But,you dont really want to. Why?

What work are you doing on yourself? What work are you putting into reconciliation.

What is reconciliation to you?

Why do you feel your husband should care about your feelings and not say sarcastic things to you, when your actions have shown him very,very little concern for him, and his feelings?

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:13 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Lalagirl posted 8/20/2019 12:19 PM

People get new accounts, phone numbers, emails, etc. all the time due to identity theft. Sad, but true. Inconvenient as Hell. But common.

And technically "my identity was compromised" is not really a lie.

Thank you for posting that, Chaos.

my husband doesn't want me to make a production out of this to the point where our friends start having thoughts. In fact, this would be his absolute nightmare

This is what happens with rugsweeping, unfortunately. You keep slipping up, then you confess, he gets mad, he gets unmad, lather, rinse, repeat. With this pattern, you are not addressing your issues and you are vulnerable to breaking NC again.

I wish I had a suggestion that would help you avoid relapse, truly...but you're so defensive and deflective. I honestly think if you and your BH would let go of the "what will people think" stuff, your F&F may be able to support both of you. JMHO.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/20/2019 12:20 PM

and yah yah yah, I understand what I did and how it can be seen as treating him with contempt, but he does have the ability to leave me if he wanted to.
In other words, whatever you decide to dish out is his fault for sticking around, because if the situation were reversed, you'd goddamn well make him pay.

But if someone makes an AP pay, well...

I would get no enjoyment from that. None whatsoever. Under any circumstance.
it's time to admit the total disgust, and even hatred, you have for your husband and what you perceive as his weakness. Admit it to yourself, I mean. The rest of us already know.

VioletElle posted 8/20/2019 12:53 PM

Oh please, so dramatic and I know a thing or two about dramas lol. This isn't about trying to make anyone pay and I don't hate my husband. I'm not about to turn into a vindictive and paranoid person. Nothing is worth that. I only mention divorce because I won't be in a relationship that's nothing more than a vicious circle. I would admit fault for destroying it and admit as much to anyone he wanted, but I would not get into an endless cycle of abuse. If he feels abused by me then he has that option. I don't want a divorce. He's my only meaningful relationship in my life, the father of my children and the person I want to be with. He doesn't want a divorce either and he does treat me good.

I do love my husband. If I didn't, I wouldn't be bothering with any of this. The notion that I hate him is so far off the deep end that I don't even know what to say.

How am I supposed to say I was wrong without admitting I have underlining problems that led to being at fault? I've had these problems since I was small and they aren't about to clear up overnight, but I don't want to be this way. It affects me very deeply and I am remorseful when my actions are hurtful and callous. I'm a damaged person but Im not a hateful or spiteful person. I don't want to make anyone pay or carry on some childish display of revenge. I was at fault and it is up to me to atone for that and that doesn't come from spitefullness. That stuff makes you a smaller and even worse person.

DoinBettr posted 8/20/2019 13:01 PM

I was not attacking you. I was trying to show you that you talking heavily of divorce possibly hurts your BH.
Take away that option to really help him see you are as all in as he is currently.
Yes, you have problems. Yes, you know you screwed up. When you first came here, you had a way different perspective.
My message was to try to see your husband as the man who sees you as better than you see yourself. How many people can see the ugliest sides of you and still not reject you? Even when you know you would reject them. I am saying accept his love and maybe try to see if that heals you a little.
You seem to want to see yourself as forced into this a little or justified.
Hence I am saying, learn from him how to love.

VioletElle posted 8/20/2019 13:01 PM

Consequences? Yeah, I would say I have. I have to live with myself. I have to accept my failures. I know I'm seen as the worst bitch to ever breathe here and that's fine, but I am in a lot of pain. I break down in tears multiple times a week. I have to face the fact I put some fucking fling ahead of my own children and that depresses the fuck out of me. I suffer a lot over this.

HellFire posted 8/20/2019 13:16 PM

You won't be in a relationship that is a "viscous circle." Yet, that is exactly what you have created with your affair, and then being in contact with the OM again.

You have created an endless cycle of abuse. Affairs abusive.

But you expect to be treated better,than you are treating your husband. Why?

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

VioletElle posted 8/20/2019 13:18 PM

We have never actually even talked about a divorce. That is just something that's come up here when people are projecting their feelings on to him. He's never done or said any of these unacceptable things to me. I'm not sure what is hard to understand about the reason that I love him is because he's not like that. If he became someone who had these attributes then he wouldn't be the person who I love. I wouldn't want to be married to someone I don't love. He's done nothing to imply he's anything like some of the suggestions here. Of course he's hurt that I had an affair, but he knows that it was my fault. Becoming jealous and controling isnt a look that would fly for either one of us.

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