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Avoiding Relapse

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VioletElle posted 8/3/2019 11:37 AM

Back again. I posted a while ago about my affair and out recovery process. Things have been going a lot better between me and my husband. There was a very rocky time and nothing was easy but a sense of stability slowly crept back in. The problem is that I've been in contact with the OP. We haven't met and I don't want to meet but we have exchanged emails and some text messages. I know it was wrong to respond to him and I shouldn't have done it and I know all I have to do is not talk to him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've lied again just by talking to him. He wants to sleep with me again and I haven't said no yet.

dblackstar2002 posted 8/3/2019 11:58 AM

Think about what you would loose. Is it worth it to continue. There is someone her, I won't give her name who is dying inside because of what she did to her husband. He won't listen to her and doesn't want her to contact him is this what you want? Is what you would gain, Worth what you would loose? Talk to a friend or a professional abut what you are feeling before you loose it all........

Tren0R201 posted 8/3/2019 12:15 PM

73 posts.

What else do you want to be told?

ibonnie posted 8/3/2019 12:15 PM

As a BS, I would consider this already a relapse, so it's too late to avoid it, just to make things even worse.

Please tell your BS now that you're back in contact with your AP. DO NOT DELETE ANY OF THE MESSAGES!!!!! Let your BS see exactly what's been said. Then let them decide what they want to do with their lives, and if they want to be in a relationship with someone that is still in contact with their affair partner.

Jorge posted 8/3/2019 12:22 PM

He's reaching out to you because he knows he can have you. He's not even shy about stating his purpose because he has zero respect for you, your husband and your marriage. He cares about none of these things. He only cares about one thing. Your choice.

ibonnie posted 8/3/2019 12:25 PM

I will also add, as a BS, I would view this as my WS making a choice, and that choice wasn't me.

Whether or not you want to admit it, you know what you're doing is wrong. If it wasn't, you'd have no trouble telling your BS and showing them your messages, right? Please, for their sake, do the right thing. I know it's not easy, but that doesn't make it any less right.

HoldingTogether posted 8/3/2019 12:38 PM

Least

Surprising

Development

Ever.

What do you hope to even accomplish with a post like this? It’s like an unrepentant drunk, stumbling into an AA meeting with whiskey on their breath and a half empty bottle clutched in their hand and exclaiming “I’m worried I might drink again!!!”

Oh, and of course adding, “I haven’t ruled it out yet!” :

I haven't said no yet

That statement right there is an insult to the hard work that so many here are trying to accomplish.

DomesticTourist posted 8/3/2019 12:57 PM

I’m a BH.

If I were to say what I really want to say to you I’d get kicked off this forum summarily.

So I won’t say it.

Your conduct is abusive. Your husband deserves the truth. He should divorce you immediately.

[This message edited by DomesticTourist at 1:15 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

dblackstar2002 posted 8/3/2019 13:00 PM

OK, Raise your hands if you know how this is going to end...

gmc94 posted 8/3/2019 13:01 PM

what Ibonnie and holdingtogether said.

You have already cheated - again. Just responding to a text is continuing an EA. So - the question is

what person do you want to be IN THIS MOMENT?

A person of honesty and integrity? A person worthy of trust?
or
The VioletElle that was willing to have an A? The VioletElle that had no problem throwing her husband and family under the bus for a few moments of feel good? The VioletElle who has no respect for herself, her family, her BH, or ANY of the agreements she made - from her wedding vows to going NC after dday?

It's your choice. Not ours.

ETA: Your post is titled "avoiding relapse". The problem is you have ALREADY relapsed. The BIGGER problem is you don't even view the texting as a relapse. I suspect your BH would have a very different perspective.

So - ya gonna stay drunk? Or sober up and start with some amends?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 1:04 PM, August 3rd, 2019 (Saturday)]

Barregirl posted 8/3/2019 13:07 PM

You can't avoid what you have already done. You have relapsed. So what now? Now you need to tell your BH about the relapse, so he can make his decision of what to do. Now you need to cease contact with AP once and for all. You haven't told AP no yet? What are you waiting for? Honestly what do you want here? Do you want to sleep with AP? Is he worth your M? Now is the time to figure out why you relapsed, and why you cheated in the first place. I would definitely suggest IC first. But you need to own up to what you did. Complete honesty with yourself, with your BH, everything.

beauchateaux posted 8/3/2019 13:40 PM

Oh boy, Violet. You're going to get a lot of harsh feedback here, but I would think you assumed that before you posted. Maybe that's WHY you did - maybe you see that it might be what you need to force your head out of your ass.

You asked in a previous thread:

I guess what I keep coming back to is: What is a fair expectation of the BS?

I think at this point, the answer is that a fair expectation would be for you to not do THIS. Wouldn't you agree? Can you finally agree with us for once about what is 'fair' in your situation without reacting defensively?

This, the way you're acting, is not only unfair - it's cruel. It's heartless, and it's inexcusable. Saying 'I don't know what's wrong with me' isn't good enough.

From the beginning, your posts have mostly been focused on you and your needs - what's fair to YOU, what YOU need, what YOU expect, what your husband should be doing to help YOU rebuild the marriage you wrecked.

Now this - you have reestablished contact with AP and are obviously considering going back into a sexual relationship with him and are still - STILL - lying to your husband.

Honestly (and I'm not being snarky when I say this, I promise) - do you care about your husband at all?

He's a human being. He's entitled to being treated with respect and consideration - by anybody, certainly, but especially his wife. He has feelings, which you are about to stomp all over again because you're back to getting validation from your affair. And you don't care. Not enough to stop.

Get over yourself. Seek help. Don't do this. Find your integrity. Put your husband first.

If you cannot do these things and you feel that this contact with AP is something you need, then divorce your husband. Set him free so that he can find happiness with someone else, or at least rebuild a life in which he's not married to you and getting hurt and betrayed over and over.

It's as simple as that.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 1:52 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 8/3/2019 15:02 PM

You have relapsed. You don’t deserve the gift your BH is offering you. You have no respect for yourself, your family or your husband.

Tell him and give his personal agency back. Let him choose what to do with this latest betrayal of yours, and it is a betrayal a terrible one when you already know how destroyed your WH was. If I remember rightly this was the man who internalised your failings and blamed himself.

Let him know the truth and face the consequences.

Zugzwang posted 8/3/2019 15:07 PM

Not at all surprised either after your previous post. "What is fair"? "My husband internalizes the blame for what I did." I knew how this was going to end with the post "What is fair?" and your claim to having remorse


Guess your husband still has a reason to not "get over it" and meet your expectations, you are still cheating on him. You have all these expectations on him healing himself and changing so you can be happy. Yet, you never even did your own work.


I say go for it. You two deserve each other. Your husband will never meet your expectations on healing that you feel entitled to, he didn't learn his lesson to change by you having a continued affair, so at least you can find your rights to your happy life without him. Then, your husband can find his.

Personally, I think you enjoy it. Having your husband blame himself. You get to put him down because you have "changed so much" NOT and the AP still wants to chase an easy person. You get validation in spades. It is disgusting. Yet, okay...you are entitled to being happy being this person.

Next you will tell us there is someone else on the other side of the screen and what we are saying isn't conducive to healing. Pot calling the kettle black. Your family is someone and look how you treat them.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 3:15 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Amarula posted 8/3/2019 15:37 PM


There is Marz in the JFO, and Zugzsang in the Wayward, too good!

Seeing the content of your previous posts, the feelings of entitlement and the selfishness expressed in them, no one should be surprised at this development. You certainly want some advice from us if you come back? For me, that is still a couple of years in the expert hands of a Kleinian psychoanalyst, as you are definitely stuck at an earlier stage of human development (the ME stage) but as it can take a bit of time to reach the adult stage, in the meantime I would suggest you set your husband free so he can find a mature, loving, and principled woman to spend the rest of his life with. And you, you can do whatever you want to do with the OM or whoever, and everyone is happy. Why complicate matters when they can be so simple?

Amarula posted 8/3/2019 15:41 PM

Sorry Zugzwang, typo on your name.

Thissucks5678 posted 8/3/2019 18:14 PM

Just an FYI - I have no idea if your BH is monitoring anything you do - but if I would’ve had any inkling mine had any contact whatsoever with the COW, I would’ve made plans for divorce - probably behind his back. He knows any contact with her is grounds for divorce. It sounds to me that you’ve made your choice. I would just tell your BH so that he can move on with his life.

Nanatwo posted 8/3/2019 21:10 PM

Go to your AP. The fact that you are still in contact with him - didn't shut him down immediately and apparently considering sleeping with him again - means that this POS means more to you than your marriage.

If you want to live a life of lies and deceit that is your decision. Your husband deserves a woman of integrity who really loves him and doesn't put her selfish wants above his wellbeing.

If you won't be that woman, then divorce your husband - so he can find the woman he deserves.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/3/2019 21:29 PM

There was a thread a while back where the OP's daughter's prom date jilted her and then decided he was willing to take her to the prom after all. You wrote:

This is manipulation of the absolute worst kind. Truly premeditated abuse.
If that's how you see a 17-year-old's on-and-off invitation to a school dance, how do you characterize a married woman, who has asked for R, deceiving her husband by considering fucking her AP again?

Chaos posted 8/3/2019 21:31 PM

You are still cheating.

You are still lying.

You are still having an affair.

You are still wayward.

I feel sorry for your BH.

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