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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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Somber posted 3/1/2020 19:18 PM

Skeeter, I hope your doing better. Betrayal on top of betrayal is just too much to bare. Hang in there, surround yourself with supportive friends and family ❤️

Lionne posted 3/1/2020 21:00 PM

I'm discouraged, disappointed and angry. I don't know why we spouses were forced into a situation that is so damaging.

My husband has continually attended 12 step meetings despite justifying his continued use of porn as "not counting." One of the meetings he attends, his " home" meeting is on Saturdays. He told me this story...

TWO long term attenders, guys who take charge and to whom others have looked for guidance, guys with self reported long term sobriety have relapsed. That's an understatement. One has decided that he's not a sex addict, that sex is natural and healthy and he's leaving his wife of many years. The other is divorcing too, he's taking up with a prostitute he's been seeing for years.

Both these guys are old like me. You can predict where the relationship with the hooker will go. I

I'm not sure why they decided to even go to the meeting to make their announcements.

Vomit.

Somber posted 3/2/2020 05:48 AM

I'm discouraged, disappointed and angry.

Lionne, I understand why you would feel this way. Itís heartbreaking. They will justify anything if it meets their needs. Our needs are always second, thatís if they are met at all.

The stories you have shared are sad and certainly shine light into the reality of what we are dealing with and what the future will be staying.

DevastatedDee posted 3/2/2020 10:57 AM

Active addicts cannot love. That explains most of what they do. Their emotions are shallow and their core personality trait is selfishness. There is no empathy. You might as well be dealing with a sociopath. So sure, why wouldn't these idiots go and justify their relapses? That's what addicts do. Everything that they want to do is automatically okay based on the fact that they want to do it.

Lionne posted 3/2/2020 20:50 PM

I suspect I know one of the guys. He's always appeared to be NPD, egotist, made my spidey senses creepy. He is a quite successful real estate mogul. His wife was my sponsor although not really helpful. He attended the Meadows and they came to speak at a group we attended. As examples of successful reconciliation and recovery. But she told us that because of his history, the only way she'd have sex with him is with a condom. She must have been prescient.
My husband is equally disturbed, says he has no desire to follow their footprints. But we all know how reliable words are.
I hope both the wives walk away with big bucks.

DashboardMadonna posted 3/6/2020 00:31 AM

Hey guys,

I hope you will find the time to read this. I know it's long, but I feel it is important...to me, anyway. This will be my last post.

{Edited for violation of multiple guidelines}

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:02 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]

DashboardMadonna posted 3/6/2020 00:31 AM

[edited for publishing private messages]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:03 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]

skeetermooch posted 3/6/2020 12:28 PM

DM,
I'm so sorry this isn't a safe space for you any longer. I've really appreciated your feedback and presence on these boards.

I wish you all of the best and hope you have the happiest, abuse-free future.

crazyblindsided posted 3/6/2020 18:30 PM

(((DashboardMadonna))) Thank you for thinking of me I did not see it as you calling me out. I will miss you as you are one of my favorite posters because YOU get what I'm going through and I'm sorry that this isn't a safe place for you anymore really sad. I do thank you for all your support and great words of advice I will always cherish. You are one of a kind and I will miss you!

Lionne posted 3/7/2020 20:14 PM

I too have found wisdom in your posts, and an admirable resilience. I'm sorry you don't feel safe here anymore
Take care of yourself.

Somber posted 3/8/2020 06:54 AM

(((Dashboardmadonna)
I too appreciated your knowledge and support. Youíve been through a lot, you need to focus on and do everything you can to continue healing and gaining strength. Keep moving forward ❤️

Somber posted 3/8/2020 18:13 PM

Of for F sakes!!!

We are living together; talking about separating. No big changes! He still tries to convince me that he loves me and wants this marriage, etc, etc...!!!

He has not been drinking (at least not in excess) and home all the time. Heís trying to play happy family while we both walk on egg shells to not rock the boat too much. He has the odd sigh as to poor him bullshit. I just carry on doing my thing and spending time with the kids.

The F sakes comes from this....I move his truck out of our driveway so that I can free up the driveway to play soccer/hockey with the kids. I always peek in his console...habit of looking for details (looking for drugs, booze, cialis, etc). Instead I find a receipt. Fairly innocent; however I peek at the purchases from Sportcheck as we have shoes to return for our son...thinking absolutely nothing of it until I notice the purchases are for womenís yoga pants, sweater; tight sports shorts and underwear....all the things he likes but they are not for me. I never received them and would throw them at him if I did.
Wtf!!! Whose are they? He keeps claiming he has been faithful for the past year. I mean not that it matters entirely but it just illustrates again how flippin easy he lives this double life. It hurts. Iíve never been enough...I know I shouldnít feel that way but how the F do you not!! Of course I want to separate but itís never that simple. It doesnít stop how bad it always hurts!!!!

[This message edited by Somber at 6:15 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]

secondtime posted 3/8/2020 18:55 PM

Hugs, Somber.

I can so relate when you say you aren't enough.

I mean, I know I'm enough. But, it is a sad thing when your partner doesn't value you or think you are important.

I'm a pretty good person. I have a lot to offer. And the very people in my life that are supposed to see that can't.

I know it's hard not to internalize it, especially when I'm the common thread.

I hope you can engage in some self-care.

skeetermooch posted 3/9/2020 00:14 AM

Somber,
So sorry you had to be traumatized by this bs. What an effing ass he is.

it just illustrates again how flippin easy he lives this double life.

They either can't comprehend the pain they are causing or don't care that they're hurting us. Total lack of empathy and selfishness - classic addict or sociopath behavior. That's why they do it over and over again. I still struggle with this - I keep thinking if I can make him understand how traumatic this was, he'll stop. Yeah, not so much.

Of course you're enough but even if we all had warts on our faces and were ogres that doesn't compel our spouses to act without integrity. They need external validation. They need an escape hatch or to feel one up on us because they aren't enough for themselves and they don't know how to fix that.

I keep asking myself, Do monogamous men exist?? Is that a fairytale? Is everyman cheating, looking at porn nonstop, going Ashley Madison? This can't be all there is out there.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 12:14 AM, March 9th (Monday)]

Somber posted 3/9/2020 08:31 AM

Thank you for responding. There is the slightest comfort in knowing Iím not alone; although, I hate for anyone else to experience any of this SA crap!!
Apparently they are for me (highly doubt that! For one I donít wear xs). And he mumbles he canít do anything right. He asks why I donít just talk to him, he doesnít understand why I am so upset and want to separate all of a sudden. Itís like the past 10 years of living a double life arenít enough in his mind!! I told him talking to him never helps and I have no interest in his attempts to manipulate me and mess with my reality. To which he had little response aside from saying he has no interest in manipulating me. He has made mistakes but geez...what about the kids, blah blah blah.

Total lack of empathy and selfishness - classic addict or sociopath behavior. That's why they do it over and over again. I still struggle with this - I keep thinking if I can make him understand how traumatic this was, he'll stop. Yeah, not so much.

Yes I struggle with this too. The healthiest thing is to give up I suppose! Instead put that energy into myself; however, Iím just to damn sad and depressed to care much about myself either.


DevastatedDee posted 3/9/2020 17:16 PM

Damn, Somber. Yeah, he's not going to change. He is the kind of person who can casually live a lie. I can't say that you shouldn't be shocked because stuff like this is constantly shocking to anyone with empathy and morals.

And the part that is the most frustrating is their refusal to see what they do (or admit to seeing it) and always putting it on you. My XWH told a rehab counselor that he didn't understand why I'd been so upset about the prostitutes because it's not like he loved them or anything. This was after I had left and after many times of him expressing how he understood how awful it was and showing "remorse" and so on. I don't know if it's that they don't get it or don't care or get it and then forget it or what, but it doesn't matter. He's the victim, your WH is the victim, they're all victims. If only we'd stop being bothered by the abuse, all would be well. How dare we?

He's going to always be this way. It sucks, but it is what it is.

crazyblindsided posted 3/9/2020 18:37 PM

they're all victims. If only we'd stop being bothered by the abuse, all would be well.

Yes I can't take it anymore it makes you feel like you are going insane. I keep thinking to myself he is driving me into an early grave.

Somber posted 3/9/2020 21:10 PM

And the part that is the most frustrating is their refusal to see what they do (or admit to seeing it) and always putting it on you

Right?!? Iím so angry which is probably a good thing. These clothes are for me and at his work...all such bullshit. I even ask why he would be buying me anything if I have been telling him I want a separation! He claims he has been a good boy since rehab! All crap. Whether itís true or not, he has still crossed boundaries that I know of and is minimizing even that. He never admits to anything!!! Instead interrogates me on what I Ďthinkí I know, demanding answers to why I think heís been on Instagram, etc. He is so hell bent on protecting himself that never once has he ever been forthcoming in any details. He only has ever admitted to the tiniest of details that canít be denied by proof. Itís pathetic! Iím angry for once and speaking to him as such, calling him a narcissist sociopathic a-hole. And he begs for me to just stop with the insults. I realize that any time I have let out any anger, he whines like a baby. He canít handle being called on his crap or dealing with the consequences of his actions. Hence why not one betrayal has ever been dealt with as it can never be spoken about. If I push my anger and express myself as such then he will say Ďjust stop, what you want me to kill myself.í Then I shut up, I mean heís effective, Iíll give him that!! Iíve never been able
to express anger. I guess he rather accept my depressed sadness and he seems to have no problem with that consequence. Now he is making me feel guilty and selfish for wanting out of this marriage. My last angry comment got a F U from him. Iím not coddling him anymore.
Now we are both angry, maybe that will fuel a much needed separation!!!

[This message edited by Somber at 9:22 PM, March 9th (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 3/9/2020 21:53 PM

I realize that any time I have let out any anger, he whines like a baby. He canít handle being called on his crap or dealing with the consequences of his actions. Hence why not one betrayal has ever been dealt with as it can never be spoken about. If I push my anger and express myself as such then he will say Ďjust stop, what you want me to kill myself.í

OMFG this drove me NUTS. I'd have my XWH curled into the fetal position bawling and it was not fucking fair that he could treat me with such disrespect and cruelty and then be too big of a baby to handle being called on it. No. Fuck that, Somber. Fuck all of that bullshit. If you're too tender to deal with consequences, addicts, STOP being an asshole.

Anger is gooood in this situation. Use it.

Somber posted 3/9/2020 22:04 PM

If you're too tender to deal with consequences, addicts, STOP being an asshole.

Right?! Itís really coming to light some days! I realize I havenít always rugswept. I was conditioned by his refusal to ever accept responsibility for his actions and threatened with his suicidal claims when things got too real.
Iíve never heard a true apology, genuine remorse or been able to have a constructive conversation to understand and resolve anything. Iíve had to seek hard for evidence to finally prove some infidelities and he has admitted to the absolute bare minimum then deflects from ever talking about it. Then of course Iím in the wrong for spying on him and not trusting him , etc. There is no winning.

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