Lionne, I hear you. Good advice to always have a plan.
After D-Day 1, I did pull credits reports and went through every single account to see if I wasn't aware of any (there were a few cards that had changed numbers over the years, some old accounts, and some closed ones.) That was a huge chore.
Then I had him pull every stinking monthly statement for every single account he ever held, and went back to the time of our wedding. Took days. Found no purchases he could not explain (other than quite frequent $200 ATM cash withdrawals in the early years, I suspect mostly to buy lottery tickets which he likewise never told me about, until I found the stashed wad of useless, wasted tickets in his fat wallet one day!)
He was never a money manager, but it helped that I wasn't seeing further evidence of other escort charges or "entertainment" (which is how I discovered the first escort! The dummy charged it to one of our few joint accounts....deliberately!? He had to know I'd see that bill, just as likely as he would!)
Then for a few years after D-Day 1, we went through all statements including our monthly bank statement, to verify all charges together, also so he could show me he really had stopped using an ATM card; that monthly review, and no more ATM use, were my financial boundaries from the first.
At some point, though, doing that had become more of a trauma trigger for me than I could handle and STAY IN the situation....because like many of you, that was exactly how I had learned about it, opening an envelop. So, I started to let that monthly review slide. Probably codependent of me.
But what really tore down the house, Recovery-wise, was when I saw an unfamiliar little folder icon on his open laptop one day 5 years afterwards, asked what it was, and he said "Oh, I was going to tell you about that..." My stomach lurched. You never want a conversation to start like that!
Turns out he had inherited a small fortune from overseas, had been told by his freaking family not to inform me (they knew he had cheated, and were still hoping I'd divorce him, so he could go home to Mom and Dad.) He says it was at his father's advice he didn't tell me.
Knowing how much credit debt he had continued to rack up (without any protective Post Nup, back in those years), when he could easily have paid it all off, and to realize he felt it was more important to pay hefty monthly card carrying charges, rather than have to tell me about his inheritance, made me conclude he probably was expecting a divorce, maybe hoping to stick me with half of the unsecured debt he'd incurred since the marriage...That realization destroyed whatever trust he had started to buildup with me, after D-Day 1.
I told him to keep his filthy family money and get them the hell out of my life! In asking how he came into the money when he had, he finally confessed how years earlier, he'd signed a promissory note at his family's request on the land that had just sold for his inheritance. That's also when I learned the worst part of it: if default had ever been called on that note during those years, the bank would have come after HIM for any unpaid balance, and by that time he had been added to MY home mortgage, thus putting my home in jeopardy of a potential overseas default judgement! I had lived for years blissfully unaware of that threat to my life's savings, done in spite of my stated request.
Another dirty financial double cross! And again, I had to stumble across the written evidence myself, long after the fact.
While I was relieved he got out of it all smelling like a rose, the fact his family had continued to tell him to hide assets from me all those years ended my relationship with the whole bunch of them. That was in 2007.
Today, I guess I don't consider myself attempting to build back toward an eventual "marriage," as he can never earn back that level of trust, now. We live separate lives, and I let him pay whatever bills of mine he decides to pay for the benefit of staying in my home and having my company (sounds horribly mercenary) but I really don't expect it of him "as a husband," since the Post Nup of 2014. So why continue to monitor his finances?
He is self-employed and I had language in the Post Nup, too, to make sure the government never considers me a spouse/partner (which by the way ladies, if your husband works for himself without a corporate entity, like an LLC or Schedule C corp., did you know that you, as the wife, are deemed by the IRS to be his business partner automatically, and you could be held liable for any unpaid taxes of his business? I had no idea!)
So ever since D-Day 2 in 2014, my final pre-Divorce action boundary has been simply: no lies and/or sneaky shit ever again while he sleeps in MY house, or his pillow and blanket will be in his car, packed for him that same night I find out. He has a place to go of his own, and my lawyer confirmed that I can ask him to leave any time, for any reason; no notice required, as he surrendered all his marital "rights" to the domicile under state law.
If he wants to blow more of his inheritance on hookers like the Prodigal Son, though, I don't even think it is my business legally, so long as it doesn't happen HERE.
What a lousy excuse for a marriage, huh?
At least my story isn't as bad as a young woman I know from our church, with 3 pre-teens, whose SA military ExH somehow put a second mortgage on their home to the tune of $50,000 without her knowing, to pay for his hookers! Divorce discovery revealed that. It gave me a chill, and I asked my lawyer to assure me there is no way that could occur in this situation. He guessed maybe the husband had her sign a Power of General Attorney at some point, since he was in the Guard. I went to the court house and checked for liens, after that story! (Good advice to do this from time to time, too.) Or she was "trusting" but not "verifying."