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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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DevastatedDee posted 1/22/2020 20:37 PM

The good news is that over time, I feel so much better. I'm still in therapy and I'm still working on thriving in my life. I as well don't trust men, though I have found friendship with men I work with. This makes me sad that I can't conceive of a romantic or sexual relationship with a man. I actually can conceive of objectified sex with them, and isn't that weird. So I am now aware of MY fear of intimacy. So more to work on.

That is not weird at all, Ashes. You've been sexually starved for a long time. It's perfectly natural to fantasize about just sex without love. That's not a fear of intimacy. I think that's no more than a starving person not caring whether or not they're seated at the dinner table to eat a sandwich.

Don't get me wrong, you (and I) probably have developed a fear of intimacy after all this. Thinking of sex with people who haven't hurt you sounds pretty normal to me, though.

Somber posted 1/23/2020 15:30 PM

(((To all of you))) Iím sorry to see so many newcomers on here. Damn! Itís not a desired group to join. My heart goes out to all of you.

I can only tell you from my experience that my WH lived a double life for 10 years. When I reflect back, all the beautiful moments are now tainted for me as I suspect and sometimes note SA behaviour alongside those moments. If your childless and not married, I would work hard with your IC to determine whatís best for you. Staying only gets harder over time. There are success stories on here but those come with SA spouses doing a heck of a lot of work on themselves.

One thing to note: believe only actions not words! They donít deserve our trust in their words or promises.

My SA spouse finally has a SA therapist starting this week (apparently it took 6 months to get in). But for me, I think the damage is so deeply embedded that nothing can undo it now.
I am so hyper vigilant itís making me sick. I am depleted of trust and hope. He is pretending to be all perfect but Iíve seen that before only to be blindsided by some hidden infidelity. For one, he isnít committed to being sober from alcohol so how could I ever trust sobriety for SA?

crazyblindsided posted 1/23/2020 18:25 PM

I needed to be hospitalized, but he went out all night partying at concerts and driving home drunk. I was bedridden with my depression...he knew I wanted to die and didnt care...still doesnt. This is who they are. Literally reptilian mind set...very primitive.

I can always identify with every word you say DashboardMadonna I too was hospitalized for a suicide attempt over broken NC and lo and behold he was still in the A after this.

I'm so stunted now I have no desire to have sex again even with a new person. this experience has truly taken me to a place there are no words to describe. Now I fear intimacy and sex thank you SA Narc Freak STBX!!!

skeetermooch posted 1/23/2020 19:07 PM

I don't know if it's okay to jump in here with my drama. I just need some support.

My STBX sent me an email today (in my junk file but I looked) basically saying he needs time to heal himself and he realizes he can't be there for me and it's unhealthy for me to be there for him, so he's going to take the next 6mths - 3 yrs to do some intense recovery plan with his therapists and when he's able to be an honest faithful partner hopes to resume our marriage. It seems like plenty of SAs work on recovery and reconciliation at the same time.

I'm so angry and hurt and feel so abandoned. Even though I've been working towards getting free of my attachment to him, a part of me was reassured by the fact that he was continually begging for a second chance. Now, he's giving up on that until he's done working on himself. He's not ready to stop playing around and I'm supposed to sit in holding pattern I guess until he is. He asked me to do a legal separation versus a divorce. I've been firm previously that I want a divorce.

It feels insensitive, selfish and a little like he's saying, "You may have dumped me but now I realize it's better for me to be away from you too." He also talked about how proud and excited he is to be responsible for himself financially.

He didn't need to share any of this with me. I already told him I was getting a D sometime ago. I don't need to know he's suddenly in agreement. It feels manipulative, designed to hurt me. And now I'm sobbing and just popped a Xanax after having a pretty good day. I was driving home work earlier thinking, it's been 6 months since dday and I'm feeling pretty darn good and now, total set back.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 7:12 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

Superesse posted 1/23/2020 21:15 PM

Skeeter, your feelings are absolutely understandable, and you are correct. He's in self-protective mode, trying to salvage his sick ego, now. If it hurts you, he believes he gets bonus points. Gee, what a nice guy....but nothing really surprising there, is there? Just a shift you perceive in what attachment theorists call the crazy "approach-avoid dance." So just grit your teeth and disconnect the rest of the way. Weren't you working on riding that NC hoss?

DashboardMadonna posted 1/23/2020 21:40 PM

Crazy-

He sees me upset and stares a hole through me...more control tactics. I also believe hes half there...just checks out... once I confront something triggering he seals himself in his room, to "rub one out".

He goes out and acts like hes single..and here I am, suicidal. Getting drunk with his buddies, hitting on the bitches...the perpetual state of a 15-year-old. He needs to land him some new supply, in desperate fevor.

I confront his going out and his reply "I thought we were getting divorced"... so there you have it...omg who says that? I mean hes single now right? It's not like vows kept him from doing it to begin with, but now I'm not supposed to be hurt by it because I filed...seriously he deliberately puts me in a position of feeling like I'm reprimanding a four-year-old that keeps stashing frogs in his pockets. He deliberately does this...gaslight...manipulate..gross. One more rock in the bucket.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 10:16 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

DashboardMadonna posted 1/23/2020 22:05 PM

Skeeter-

This is literally what my husband is doing, since before I filed...and yes! It is to hurt us. I filed and it's just another day, for him.

I believe my husband thinks I wont follow through, even though I filed and everything is good to go. These men bet on us to play doormat. They want to rug sweep their bullshit and pretend like nothing happened..turn a blind eye, while they continue as they please... mysogyny at its finest.

For your own sanity, you need to file. We arent getting any younger. Dont let him control the ship any longer, you deserve better.

My husband completely shuts down and runs away...with every action (or lack there of), you will find yourself disconnecting, until you find a place of indifference. This is the head space needed in order to hold your ground...otherwise he'll Hoover you back in, once he realizes there isnt anyone like you out there...

It may take you a while to find that place, but believe me, it's there. I reached indifference at about 1 1/2 -2 years of this bullshit, following D-Day...I thought I would stick it out, so my son can get through college...my husband escalated the abuse and I was already emotionally done, so I filed.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 10:14 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

Superesse posted 1/23/2020 22:12 PM

DashboardMadonna, see how true what you have often said, how these guys are so similar? I just posted to skeetermooch the same advice I'd offer to you: D.E.T.A.C.H.

Stop expecting any rational response from an irrational addict. And "like...a 4 year old" is giving him too much credit for maturity.

DashboardMadonna posted 1/23/2020 22:25 PM

Superesse-

It freaking sucks because we are "in-house" seperation... I'm in my own room and it is a complete and total mind-fuck. With every passing day he just validates my decision. I have no doubt in my mind, that would have left at D-day if I were financially capable... I'm waiting for the D to settle and then I will find a place. I've been in therapy...I just started EMDR for the PTSD....hoping for a miracle in that department. Once I'm out of this house, I wont speak to him again and he seems more than okay with that...probably excited.

I will look up the DETACH thing. I've actually pretty emotionally detached (as best as can be expected, considering this shitty situation) other than triggers...which is his perpetual need to party...its hard to seperate myself from the complete/total disregard from this person, when I'm still here witnessing it. I look foward to that peace.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 10:37 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

skeetermooch posted 1/23/2020 23:06 PM

Weren't you working on riding that NC hoss?

Yes, but the horse rode me straight into the spam folder so I could see his message I have since put a filter on so all his email addesss are zapped upon receipt and not stored in any folder. He has zero ways of contacting me other the postal service.

Fuck - how many different ways am I going to let him harm me?? I gotta stop. NC attempt number 3 commencing.

DashboardMadonna posted 1/23/2020 23:25 PM

Skeeter-

I totally get it and relate. Dont look at it as a mistake or weakness....I see it as part of the detachment process....as long as you keep moving foward, you're doing okay. There is years of deprogramming that has to be done...its a slow process and you're not far from D-Day. In our situations, I dont see this as a linear process. You have the "standard" affair (all are bad), then there is THIS! It's an attack of every moral fiber...just another level.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 11:36 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

NoMoreRugSweepin posted 1/24/2020 09:31 AM

I'm done. I can't do it. I cringe at attempts of back rubs as I don't know if his hand is going to grope me. After I told him I have slept better than I had in months. I think its better for him too because now he doesn't have to worry about me. He didn't listen to I expect slips/relapses to be disclosed in a couple of days. Yeah it was weeks between and he abused me after each time too so I knew it happened, but he didn't listen to my words on what to do.

We both deserve to be with someone who can love us completely and we can love with our own hearts completely. I can no longer say I can do that for him. I will still always love him but I will never trust him again.

secondtime posted 1/24/2020 10:50 AM

I delivered my boundaries to my husband this morning.

They were pretty simple. One more lie with regards to his addiction moving forward and I legally separate when three conditions have been met (I get a newer to me car, I'm done with school, and our oldest is settled into his post-high school life, whatever that might be.)

Fantasizing about people he routinely interacts with will also result in legal separation, when the above conditions have been met.

He seemed to understand them...

Lifeexploded posted 1/25/2020 08:44 AM

Sex has been completely ruined for me too. I used to have sex with him so he wouldn't cheat. Then after dday I had sex (after the HB obviously) so he wouldn't masturbate. After our HB baby was born something clicked. I won't ever feel pressured to have sex again. So it's been 2.5 years. I also stopped managing his sobriety. I stopped managing all of the SA recovery things he is supposed to do. And guess what!? He stopped doing them. And he's slipping back into the abyss. Watching inappropriate videos on FB and TikTok. Drunk binge friending and messaging women on FB. That was the last straw.

My best advice to all of you SA wives. DO NOT MANAGE HIS ADDICTION. What he does ALL ON HIS OWN will show what you need to know. If he actively directs and manages his own recovery then he *might* be a candidate for recovery.

Take back your lives. Take back YOU. Start living life the way you want to because your SA is not a sure thing. They aren't dependable and do not be dependent on them anymore. Stop trying to make/keep them happy. That's something they need to find within.

Best wishes to you all.

DashboardMadonna posted 1/25/2020 15:27 PM

Life-

I have a hard time even calling it an addiction. To me that indicates there is some cure/ management for "asshole". In terms of the person I married, he has spent his entire adult life, running away from himself and me. If it's not one thing, it is another. He always put himself first...always spending money on himself. Hes a classic covert, with avoidant issues...just a toxic and entitled person.

These types are easily bored and are out of touch with human emotions, so they fill that void with anything and everything....while exploiting others. From obsessing over video games, to porn...they have to be to be entertained and stimulated at all times.

My STBX is willing to give up his wife, half of his retirement, and alimony to keep from being reprimanded...because being an avoidant trainwreck is easier for him. I honestly believe he sees it as "hush money", in terms of exposure and my presence reminding him. Life is nothing more than stimuli for him...never in search of any meaning, let alone the introspection involved in becoming a better person.

If hes in therapy, it's still only once-a-month...honestly, why bother? I see no improvement...if he goes, it's to check in and complain. There is nothing profound that has ever come from his mouth, that requires effort.

He never "love bombed", he doesnt know how and wouldn't care to...he needs to be alone for the sake of the next unsuspecting fool, I'm sure hes attempting to manifest.

A while back, I had confronted him on an issue involving alimony duration and he retorted "well what if one of us gets remarried"... his bitchfit.

MARRIAGE?! Completely delusional if he thinks I'm going to search out another asshole to carry me...the divorce is his Karma...sucks to be him...meanwhile, I'm trading health insurance for a life in poverty.

On the flip, its disturbing to think that he believes he needs to get into another relationship, let alone marriage. I wonder how long it would be before she acquires the backbone to leave...probably not long after she receives her green card, if I am to be honest. He will always be "paying for it", one way or another, right down to plying her with liquor. No one with an ounce of self-respect would touch him, knowing what I know...so he will resort to lying/ withholding the truth...nothing new for him.

He scapegoats me, in his resentment...its a cop-out for adulting...I will always be at the center of his blame, as this is how narcs work and going NC is very important.

My very presence is his reflection and thus, the discard.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 3:47 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

Lifeexploded posted 1/25/2020 17:54 PM

Wow Madonna. I hear so much hurt and anger in your reply. It's sad that you feel you could never marry again. I feel the same way. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be loved and made love to by a real man but I have become so jaded. Between my own husband and what I read on these forums I'm wondering if there are any real men left.

When my husband was considering his vasectomy his main concern was what if our marriage ended and he got a new wife who wanted babies. Um. HELLO? You are 40. With baggage. And a suburban full of kids. On what planet are you on exactly? 20-35 year old women who are ready to make babies are not going to be banging down your door. Get real. So delusional these people are.

It is UNREAL how normal he is acting right now. He wants hugs and kisses all the time. From me. The kids he acts like they are super annoying. He tells them "Leave me alone." Or, when they ask him something he just flat out ignores them and acts like they didn't say anything at all. I am so sad for them. I can imagine how much worse it would be if we divorced and I wasn't here. Not sure how long I can hang on but I damn sure am going to try.


SAWH is so concerned with what people think of him he just might avoid initiating a divorce so he doesn't look like the big bad cheater who abandoned his very large family.

DashboardMadonna posted 1/25/2020 18:53 PM

Life-

Honestly, I'm not angry anymore as much as I am hurt for the lack of remorse. I think he is retarded...a level of brain damage in childhood. My entire family is loaded with emotional vampires and he is the leader.

Yes, I believe they are all about appearances. They care more about what strangers think of them, then they do the ones they deliberately hurt.

They dont file for divorce. Why would they, when they have the perfect doormat, while attaining the piece of ass on the side? Its these sick puppys' dream.

Lifeexploded posted 1/26/2020 13:17 PM

I know you will read it over and over again but it is not YOU, it's HIM. Obviously he is selfish or he wouldnt have done this stuff in the first place. He didnt care enough to not hurt you so why would he care about the hurt after the fact? They dont.

I am sure there are exceptions but I have learned that the few who really care and want to do the work can be spotted a mile away.

Funny story, sawh and I had to go somewhere together earlier. We got in the car and he turned on a Christian radio station.
What? Like thats your jam? Is that what you listen to while you text other women?

idabel posted 1/26/2020 15:41 PM

New here, first post on this thread. Someone commented on my post in the D/S forum & suggested I post here. My story is there and in R.

I have a court date on 2/11 for our divorce hearing. Stbx has stated he is going to join a 12-step group and admitted to being an avid watcher of porn before we were married for the 15ish years he was an OTR truck driver. He used that to justify to himself that messaging women online was no different.

He has asked me to wait for him to heal and go through this program. What I told him was I wouldnít be ready to date for 4-6 months anyway and at that time we could have a discussion and see where heís at. If heís genuinely getting help on his own, then we can talk. If not, weíll be divorced and I will no longer wait.

Has anyone else done anything like this? Bad idea or no?

Superesse posted 1/26/2020 21:33 PM

Hi, Idabel, good to hear you are following through with filing for D.

Sorry to say this, but his story is a classic line of B.S. he is hoping you will believe. You are not getting the truth from your SAWH - what he is feeding you to "justify" how he did that, isn't even close to how that went down! He just is counting on you hearing his explanation, and hoping you won't view his "porn use" as badly as him having actual sex with sluts.

There is a well-known term in the OTR world for these women: "Lot Lizards."

Don't let on that you heard about this from anyone, either. Just please, believe me: this wasn't his first rodeo.

From my D-Day 1 in 2002, my SAWH lied to me for 5 agonizing years during which he and I went through intensive counseling. I lost count of the number of times I would ask him, and his story would never vary...it was "a one time screw up." Until one day, I stumbled across a 6-year-old receipt in his suitcase for an out-of-town Asian Massage parlor he'd visited a full year BEFORE the date he had been swearing for 5 years was his "first and ONLY episode of physical cheating since we married" He knew I had caught him online looking at inappropriate websites 2 times in the 10 years before that, so maybe he thought I'd accept that story? I never could wrap my head around it. So I never believed it, and turns out, my gut was right all along.

Yet he had no problem continuing to feed me lies because he was betting I'd never really be able to find out who he had been. (And he kept begging me to hang in and Recover, too. They most all do want to keep the "good wife.") Trouble was, even THEN, after that came out and I started asking more questions, he continued to deny the extent of his sordid sexual history pre-marriage - and that lying went on for another 7 years, until in 2014, he was arrested for soliciting a prostitute, in a truck stop in our home town - on my birthday!

I wasted 12 years hoping he'd come clean...you know...so maybe there would be hope...we all want to have "hope" that it isn't as bad as it seems. Today, I accept that I still may not have the whole truth, but I no longer care. After I filed property settlement on him, I was able to learn he had paid female prostitutes his ENTIRE ADULT LIFE as a travelling man before we married when he was 39,which made much more sense considering what he thought was "okay" to do, than all the crazy stories he had been feeding me, pretty much exactly the same lines you just heard. Sorry.

Please don't even entertain listening to his MINIMIZING lies. He has years and years of work on himself ahead of him, during which time he will NOT be 100% honest with you, and sadly, no one can give you any assurance he can change his habits - not even a sex addiction counselor. I have BTDT! You won't be able to pry that truth out of him, either, so don't waste your time like I did, trying this or that tactic to get to the "real truth!"

There is an old saying, maybe you've seen it: How can you tell when an Addict is lying? When their lips are moving.

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