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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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DashboardMadonna posted 10/26/2019 01:33 AM

Somber when you mentioned him chronically attempting to be physical, it gave me the creeps.

Here and there, I will notice my husbands eyes wander, but I cant help, but feel like it's in attempt to size me up with his vast amounts of whores. I'm not the skin color he prefers, so I am probably not far off the mark, in my assumption...creeps me out...what an amazing feeling to be rejected, while simultaneously objectified, for not meeting his sick standards. Before DD, he would look at me in complete disgust. Theres no coming back from that pain.

P.S.- I am going to be a nun for Halloween...must assert the irony. Sadly, I am so fucking damaged, I am at the point joining a Covent...yeah, pretty bad.... I can hear him now "yeah, she was sexually frigid...why I divorced her"...

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 1:40 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]

Somber posted 10/26/2019 01:36 AM

Second time,

Thank you so much!!! Your response has been so helpful and insightful. I needed that. I now realize that I was triggered by my son seeing naked pics of women and my mind immediately was offended in relating it to my husband. That wasnít fair and I overreacted with emotions. However, I removed myself-going to my room to cry. Tomorrow I will be better to discuss the basics, including consent. I also read many articles tonight with positive age appropriate ways to discuss this without shaming him.

Natural curiosity doesn't equate objectification. There's many steps in between.

So true. I think I am going to have a hard time separating the two because of what Iíve been through. But over time hopefully I will get better too at recognizing it...I too need a walk or a Ďtime outí just to calm down and think before I respond.

Thx again

DashboardMadonna posted 10/26/2019 01:38 AM

Dee,

No shade at all, just making a point. I have always done with less. I'm in cali, my crap shack is looking like a 700ft mobile home, from the 70s....wish I were joking. I am exchanging the security of health insurance, for poverty. Sadly, I drink too much and wish I would die most days...you would think I wouldn't care about health insurance. I guess its the unknown from disease, that seems frightening. I am hoping my removing myself from abusive people, will alleviate the need for that shitty crutch.

Somber posted 10/26/2019 01:42 AM

Dashboardmadonna,

Somber when you mentioned him chronically attempting to be physical, it gave me the creeps.

It certainly feels creepy at times. If I wear yoga pants his eyes immediately size me up and then I would expect to be groped unless we are in midst of arguing or egg shell walking. If I wear less attractive jeans (which I choose often lol) he will take an obvious gaze and not again. Or if we are in a good place so to say he will make comments like what jeans are those? They are too big? Or why donít you ever wear the pants I bought you.
.what an amazing feeling to be rejected, while simultaneously objectified

Wow ya no kidding!

DashboardMadonna posted 10/26/2019 01:47 AM

Somber yes! It's like they wont you to notice that they are sizing you up...sooo narcissistic...like what they think matters, at this point. Stunted at preteen.

During the HS phase, he had the audacity to say the sex was better with me, during those days, then with his whores... "ohhh fucking thank you...I am fucking honored, sick fuck!"

I want to believe there are good men out there, but I am having a real struggle.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 1:50 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]

Somber posted 10/26/2019 01:56 AM

(((Dashboardmadonna))))

Sadly, I drink too much and wish I would die most day

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I Know you will feel better removing toxic people from your life! Keep moving forward. You also need to process it all and heal, do you see IC? Please call the suicide hotline just to chat. It may help give you comfort and strategies to overcome these overwhelming feelings, even if you donít really feel suicidal. If you do, more reason to call, or even visit ER. There is lots of help out there!! Donít suffer alone.
Place your hand on your heart, feel that. That is purpose. You are alive for a reason, donít forget that. The minute you think you should give up, think of the reason you held on so long-cause you are worth it, you know there is better out there for you. You deserve more!
Get into that crap shack and start over! Keep moving forward ❤️

DashboardMadonna posted 10/26/2019 02:12 AM

Somber,

Thank you, I am okay...most times it's the ideology of it. I am trying to keep busy, so I dont think about it.

Yeah, I finally started going back to an IC... I had to get past the burn of the marriage councelors, in order to come to terms with going to IC again. Funny, I am not really sure what I look to gain from it. I have been in IC, throughout my adult life, and never found it persoanlly helpful and I think it boils down to wishing someone had a magic wand...you know, a million dollars. Haha
Most counselors are trained in guiding you to coming to your own conclusions, as odd as that sounds. For me, I dont find that helpful...I think it boils down to lacking any real support on a personal level. I see some say they dont want to be adviced to kick his ass to the curb...I would love that asshole friend (cough "mother") that gave me a dose of reality...Cher: "SNAP OUT OF IT"

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 2:13 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]

Somber posted 10/26/2019 06:49 AM

Glad you are in IC. I have only had one IC and experience with one MC. In some of your posts it sounds like you have done lots of research, soul searching and I know you will come out on top! You can use IC as a place to vent and process ways to overcome the trauma. We all need that friend to tell us what to do sometimes but truthfully we only listen to that friend when we have decided for ourselves already that we have had enough. And you are there, be your own friend and tell yourself that when you need to hear it. You got us! Iím sure someone IRL would be there for you too if you let them in.

crazyblindsided posted 10/26/2019 09:27 AM

Sadly, I drink too much and wish I would die most days...you would think I wouldn't care about health insurance. I guess its the unknown from disease, that seems frightening. I am hoping my removing myself from abusive people, will alleviate the need for that shitty crutch.

Agh same! My doctor will not prescribe me any tranquilizers to calm down when I spin out on stuff. I tend to drink as well to numb the pain as well as smoking weed (I see this less of an issue than alcohol). Unfortunately the alcohol causes sleep disturbances and a real lag of depression the next day so I am trying not to drink. Just got on some sleeping medication that is letting me finally rest at night.

(((DashboardMadonna)))

(((Somber)))

Sending you both hugs today. This is so damn hard. I feel like I'm walking through glass

DestroyedWife80 posted 11/1/2019 17:31 PM

So, I was searching around on YouTube & found an immensely helpful interview (there are 2 parts)-

I know we can't post links but you can go to YouTube and enter:

MJ Denis Infidelity Trauma: An Interview with a Specialist Part 1

AMAZING! Very helpful for me. This lady is RIGHT on the money. I watched more interviews with her and they were also very helpful!

DestroyedWife80 posted 11/1/2019 17:51 PM

So basically- my SAWH has not put in any of the real work, at all. He won't even ADMIT he's a SA, which is laughable after all I have found.

This whole time I have been feeling like there's no way he stopped, he's just hiding it better.

Last week, I find an email from a now deleted account- its a reply to a craigslist ad where a man is seeking out a companion.

Sooooo...guess what (I am laughing bc at this point if I don't I will crack and end up in the looney bin)...someone HACKED his email account and sent those messages...

Someone from OUR area...some OTHER man who likes men for nsa hookups...

WOW!

marji posted 11/1/2019 18:58 PM

DW Doesn't matter what he admits or not and there's no way to know if someone is an SA based on behaviors alone; some are and do not act out (I know, sounds strange but true); some men cheat repeatedly but do not actually have SA type thoughts, feelings. It really doesn't matter.

What matters is how you are; what matters is how your life is; what matters is whether you are having a good life.

These men, my H included, have serious problems; they are not healthy people; they have serious integrity problems; they are capable of acting in extremely abusive, destructive, dishonest ways. The particular label is up for grabs.

We cannot change them; cannot change their brains, their hearts, their souls. We can change ourselves. We can decide to make every possible effort, take every possible measure, to make our lives better, healthier, happier.

I found joining a support group very helpful; a good therapist very helpful. Being on SI very helpful. Despite your SI name, you are not destroyed. You are strong and you will find your way. People can change their names here; let's hope we come to see a new name for you in the future:)

NoMoreRugSweepin posted 11/2/2019 09:18 AM

((DW)) Awfully convienant to be hacked by a local. Remember you can be come whenever you choose to be. And I agree with Marji that the label might not matter. There are serial cheaters who are just serial cheating assholes and not SA. My WS was normally just chronic masturbation, not active cheating but it was compulsive. No amount of sex he had altered his compulsion.

I just sucked at trying to communicate with my S this morning. I wanted to communicate that I just wanted some level of recognition of the fact I am sacrificing things choosing to stay with him and I was too half asleep to really word things before his IC today. I feel bad about it.

Somber posted 11/3/2019 06:45 AM

This whole time I have been feeling like there's no way he stopped, he's just hiding it better

I feel the same way. Without strong evidence of effort made on their part it is impossible to start trusting again. They seem to expect it but not earn it. There is no way someone hacked into his account for that. I think as we grow stronger we can see through some of the lies that we once would have easily been sold on.
I just found cialis in my WH truck. Iíve not even bothered to ask about it as I canít possibly handle the BS that will come with my accusations.

What matters is how you are; what matters is how your life is; what matters is whether you are having a good life.

This I agree with! It is so hard to put ourselves first when we have been doing the opposite for so long. We should keep trying though!!!

Nomorerugsweeping,
Donít feel bad. Hopefully he has a good IC to point that out to him. You have time to tell him that later too. There is a lot to sacrifice staying, just make sure your not sacrificing too much of yourself. I imagine (like most of us) you have already sacrificed too much all along. Put yourself first too.

Stay strong and true to yourselves ❤️ (Advice I also need to follow).

MiJa posted 11/3/2019 08:44 AM

It's been a long time since I've posted on SI at all, I'm not even sure if I'm putting this in the right place. But here goes... I got a letter in the mail from my XW, and here's what she wrote:

"12/2/17

Dear [MiJa]

I am a sex addict, working a recovery program. As part of my recovery, I am writing to you to take responsibility for my actions which hurt you during our relationship and to ask your forgiveness.

The biggest thing I am sorry for is that I was too scared to come to you for help when [AP] was pursuing me. I am also sorry for Everquest, [Cyber AP] and the cybersex. I'm sure there are other things I would apologize for if they came to mind. Please feel free to address some of these things with me if it would help you. I am also happy to answer any questions you would like to ask. I am willing to own my own part in what went wrong between us.

For all the ways in which I hurt you, I'm sorry. Please forgive me.


Love,
[XWW]"


I don't know how many people here remember me or what brought me here years back, but feel free to check out My Story under my profile if you want to get a better handle on my backstory. Be warned, it's long.

I don't know how many people here have gotten a 12-step program type apology letter from a SA spouse or ex, but this seemed like a pretty good place to see how many people could put their hands up and say "I Can Relate".

Lionne posted 11/3/2019 15:47 PM

Me. But it wasn't in writing and it turns out that his porn addiction hadn't stopped at all. Or at least for a long time he was still using.

I'm a firm believer in the work possible in 12 step processes. But (we spouses) really have no way to know if they are white knuckling or truly in recovery. They do get better and better at lying.

I'm glad you are out of infidelity.

secondtime posted 11/4/2019 02:27 AM

DH is on the amends step. He's written one letter so far (open one to the women he's fantasized about/objectified/used), but still working on the one to me...not sure if/when it will get done.

The way my husband rationalizes his choices I think is more damaging than anything else. (Don't take my addiction personally-it's not a personal attack on you! I just don't have much time to do my work. The vacuuming NEEDS to get done. I want to make sure I do it right!)

While partners don't know for sure about how recovery is going, I do think we can be sort of clued in. While I didn't know that my husband didn't really accept he was an addict, I knew when he was slipping. My mistake was choosing to believe him when he was lying to me. Now, I can better gauge where he is in his recovery based on things like empathy and the shame he feels.

I do worry about the amount of detachment I need to use while I sit and wait to see if my husband can really do the work. I think sustained detachment long term (think another decade) will permanently close me off to an intimate relationship with him.

Lionne posted 11/4/2019 15:06 PM

I do worry about the amount of detachment I need to use while I sit and wait to see if my husband can really do the work. I think sustained detachment long term (think another decade) will permanently close me off to an intimate relationship with him.

<<<<Sigh>>>> Right there with you. I do believe he's working at it. He's 68. He's been doing this stinkin thinkin all his life. We must detach. Reattaching is a pipe dream

TwiceWounded posted 11/4/2019 15:38 PM

MiJa,

I read your whole story, and itís a doozy.

I assume itís been a very long time since youíve had to think about or deal with your XW. To me, it seems like youíre safely out of infidelity and have been for a long timeÖ and declining her invitation to discuss seems wise, otherwise you risk being pulled back in to what can only be described as emotional chaos.

I think many of us with SA spouses would love to get that type of letter, even though it seems a littleÖthin. It seems rare to find a SA who really, truly is working on their addiction. My WW is recovering in a lot of ways, but the *biggest* blind spot is actually working the 12 steps and getting to the Making Amends step. It's laudable than your XW has made it that far.

I hope all is well with you. It's great to get updates and hear from old members.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 19:42 PM

Oh MiJa,

I read your story too. What youíve been through!


I sincerely hope you have peace and comfort now.

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