"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

landclark posted 7/6/2019 10:50 AM

Does anybody else have wild swings in their mood from day to day? Yesterday was a good day. My WH and I spent the day shopping, talking, eating lunch. We got along great. Then today I find myself annoyed by everything he has done. I want to rage all day long (can’t because we have a 7 year old). Total opposite of yesterday. Are these wild swings normal for you? It makes me feel a bit insane honestly.

Any tips on dealing with it?

To his credit he deals with everything I throw at him, good and bad, but I still feel like I’m going crazy.

We are only about 6 weeks from dday.

northeasternarea posted 7/6/2019 11:27 AM

I did in the beginning. You aren’t crazy.

Unhinged posted 7/6/2019 11:38 AM

What?! Wild moods wings? Didn't anyone welcome you aboard the Rollercoaster of Emotional Insanity?

What your experiencing is quite normal, unfortunately. Infidelity is crazy-making shit. The rollercoaster of emotions will subside in time, but it's going to take a while. In the meantime, give yourself permission to experience all of these emotions. Let them wash over you. Feel the feels. And if you feel yourself falling down the rabbit hole, remember that you've climbed out before and that each time it gets a little easier.

Personally, I had some serious rage issues that scared me. So, I sought out a little professional help. I only went once a month for a few months, but it was time well spent. A good IC will be able to help you process through the craziness of it all.

Focus on you and your recovery. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Your primary goal in these early months is to recover from the shock. Drink lots of water, eat healthy, exercise (the endorphins and hormones are tremendously helpful). Get as much rest and sleep as you can. If you can't sleep, try some mild OTC sleep aids. If those don't work, consult your PCP.

annb posted 7/6/2019 12:13 PM

I had mood swings for years. Raged for years, the result of PTSD bc of his constant TT.

It's very normal.

You need to let your emotions out. It's cathartic.

Glad he is not being defensive and accepting that his actions are the cause of your emotional turmoil.

It does get better....with lots of time.

JSS1227 posted 7/6/2019 19:17 PM

At 6 weeks out? I’d say you are doing phenomenally. I was barely surviving at that point. I don’t even remember some of the early weeks. I find it impressive that you were able to have a good day yesterday!
I’m almost 7 months from DDay, and my mood swings are still here, in full force.

Kb82 posted 7/6/2019 22:45 PM

You are not alone. I'm 4 months out and still up and down. My WH is still lying and not being remorseful or trying to help me heal, so that plays in too for me. But the first couple of months when he was pretending to and being extra nice, my moods still were crazy. Little things he did made me want to punch him. Things that never bugged me much before. What you're feeling is normal after what you've been through. Hugs and prayers to you.

singingmypain posted 7/7/2019 04:25 AM

I’m 3 months from the D-Day. It’s now slowly staring to get better but I’m not holding my breath anymore. I’ve had a really hard time accepting that Even though I may have an okay day or two, the mood swings can come back and be even worse than before. The 3rd month was really hard.

What I’m slowly starting to learn is just focusing on me and detaching. Learning to calm myself down, meditating, etc.

My WH has come a long way, but he’s not going to heal me I’ve got to do it myself. Accepting that has been really hard for me. I have been fixating to this thought that he broke me so he should fix me. I have a great but unfortunate opportunity here to learn about myself and grow. It hurts like hell, but I’ll see it like this, the longer I try to fight it the longer I’ll suffer.

Just like everyone here is saying, just feel the feels as they come.

LukesDiner posted 7/7/2019 07:02 AM

Six weeks from D-day is phenomenal. I am experiencing cycles, ups and downs, and I am a year from D-day. Lately, I have moments where my mood just drops and I become silent, get a lump in my throat, or a sinking feeling in my stomach, or feel like someone is pushing my head down under water. I've been crying a lot recently -- I didn't really cry at all when I first found out. I think we all have to process our grief in the best way we can.

There are some things that I have tried that sometimes help:

*Go for a walk - if you like the outdoors. Just getting some fresh air. While you're walking, take note of things in the world that are pretty (like flowers, nice lawns) or fascinating (like bugs, trees you never noticed). It's a really wonderful planet we live on, and it can embrace you (side note: if my 20 year old self could read what I'm writing in this message, he would shake his head -- but I think my 20 year old self was naive).

*Listen to music - I really love music, all types of music. For a few months after D-day, I couldn't listen to anything, but it is starting to come back to me. Maybe you can find something you love -- music, dancing, movies, art -- to help you.

*Write yourself a comforting note - maybe you can write a sticky note or a short message (maybe even an email or text message to yourself) with a reminder that is positive and uplifting. It could be solely for you, and maybe it has nothing to do with the A. Just something to remind yourself that you are worthy.

*Pay attention to the things you need - is it healthy food? Is it a shopping trip (with a reasonable limit)? Do something nice for yourself, even if it's something small.

landclark posted 7/7/2019 13:11 PM

Thank you all for the support and suggestions. It’s good to get comfirmation that this is all normal given what we are going through. I try to feel all the feels but then feel bad when I constantly beat up my WH verbally. I feel bad when I lose time to my negative feelings. I feel bad when I can’t fully be there for my son because I am spiraling. Then all that just makes things worse. It really just sucks all around.

I love the suggestions to work on myself, to do things that make me happy. I just painted my nails with a pretty mermaid green as a start. Lol

And thank you to LukesDiner for the other suggestions. We finally have nice weather here and I think the walk breaks especially will help a lot.

Thank you all again. I’m sorry we are here, but glad for this support.

MyAnimals posted 7/7/2019 14:50 PM

Totally normal. I’m 10 months out, at least from dday 1. I used to be calm and cool. Now I can go between rage and sobbing and back again in one sentence. My hands shake so badly that I drop shit all the time.

It will get better. Sometimes I actually go an hour or two in between crazies. Time helps. Time helps. Time helps. Hang in there.

I have a hard time concentrating on movies, but if you force it and find a comedy that can divert your attention it’s a nice break.

If you read, I’ve found it easier to get lost in an old favorite. New ones are too “unpredictable.”

Stand in front of a mirror in the morning and say out loud “ I’m alert, I’m alive, and I feel great.” It sounds ridiculous and will feel like a lie sometimes, but if you do it anyways, I promise you will feel better. It won’t work the first few times. But it will work.

Stand outside for ten minutes. Look towards the sky. Close your eyes if you need to. And just feel the sun on your skin. It’s cheesy, but can be very calming.

The above are all things to set the stage. A different set of tactics is probably necessary in the heat of the moment. Personally I’m still searching for those.

It will get better! Cheers

ETA 1 more things:

I'm not a therapist, so who knows if this is healthy, but I personally HAD TO get my laughter back.

I've named the APs based on something stupid about them 7 Dwarfs style. Junky, Creepy, Sleepy, Baldy, etc... And it makes me laugh when I refer to any of them by their new names. Of course thinking about the fact that there are enough of them to warrant a whole list of names also makes me laugh.

I know most of this shit is too painful to laugh at, but when you're thinking about all the details every once in a while you might run into something that you can choose to laugh at instead of rage or sad. It worth looking at if you're already thinking about it all the time anyway. Each thing you can turn into a laugh will be one less thing weighing you down.

[This message edited by MyAnimals at 3:12 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Unhinged posted 7/7/2019 16:18 PM

I try to feel all the feels but then feel bad when I constantly beat up my WH verbally. I feel bad when I lose time to my negative feelings. I feel bad when I can’t fully be there for my son because I am spiraling. Then all that just makes things worse. It really just sucks all around.

Yes, it certainly does suck all around. I have to admit that most of the time I didn't feel too badly about verbally beating up my wife. When rage started to take over, however, I usually left the house and went for a walk, or bike ride, or whatever, just to ensure I didn't say something I'd really regret. For the most part, she took the heat, within reason.

You're going to lose time to negative feelings and thoughts and falling down the rabbit hole. Don't be too hard on yourself. Surviving infidelity isn't easy, by any stretch of the imagination. The same goes for not being there as much for your son as you'd like. I went through the same thing. After a while, though, I started to really engage with him (he was 4yo on d-day) and borrow (for lack of a better world) his enthusiasm for life and joy. It also allowed me to just chill and forget about myself for a while and just focus on him.

psychmom posted 7/7/2019 16:38 PM

It's the emotional roller coaster that none of us paid for but got kidnapped and forced to ride and ride and ride. Grrrr. You are not crazy. This situation is crazy and we sane people do the best we possibly can to deal with the unthinkable.

The best advice I got was to be patient with myself. Love myself. Be kind to myself when these swings hit and I act in ways I never thought I would. Your choice to do nice things for yourself is spot on, landclark! I picked up running again, and due to the infidelity diet and extra exercise, lost 25 pounds that had crept on over the years. Eat well, exercise, and paint your nails all the pretty colors you want! And settle in, buckle up, and be prepared to take many more loops along this stupid roller coaster.

The good news is that it WILL end. You will find your balance again, your moods will even out. But it takes a long while. Just keep that in mind; you are not crazy, and as bad as it feels right now, it will get easier and better. :)

cancuncrushed posted 7/7/2019 16:53 PM

Your not crazy....its so very early for you...

I had mood swings by the hour....I was upset to have a good day....thinking it was only temporary, and he would let me down again...I was afraid to be happy...and then there were triggers...everywhere...

Its a roller coaster...expected to last a good long time...read read read...its the best thing to understand why you feel like you do...

sisoon posted 7/8/2019 11:16 AM

I try to feel all the feels but then feel bad when I constantly beat up my WH verbally.

It's one thing to feel angry and yell, 'YOU SOB!' at your WS. Feeling sad, getting angry, and blaming your WS is similar.

It's quite another to feel angry, and tell your WS, with emotion, 'I'm furious that you _____!'

'You SOB!' keeps the anger inside. 'I'm angry that you ____' expresses it, for many people. I recommend trying that verbal formula out; it may help.

landclark posted 7/8/2019 16:48 PM

Sisoon, that's a great idea. I can certainly try to be a bit more productive with my rage. lol

Seriously though, I do think that will help, and will help with the guilt I feel after expressing my anger.

MyAnimals, I have nicknames for the APs as well, but they're not as kind as yours. They involve lots of 4 letter words that can't be spoken in front of young children.

I definitely need to work on the not being so hard on myself. It's surprisingly not easy though.

AnyWhoX posted 7/8/2019 17:25 PM

I am impressed you are holding it together this well after only six weeks. I am 1.5 years in and still swing from I can do this Reconciliation thing to I hate you and want a divorce in no time flat. He can do all the right things and my moods still shift wildly. Please know that this is NORMAL! And don't agree to reconcile too early. You will shift back and forth a million times until your real decision is made. Be kind to yourself.

landclark posted 7/8/2019 19:33 PM

I have agreed to reconcile a couple times now (after several false starts and not having the whole picture). However I did tell the MC that all I can commit to is trying. Honestly I have changed my mind several times, sometimes daily. Who knows where I’ll land.