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Completely Heartbroken

DeservesBetter70 posted 6/26/2019 02:24 AM

Can anyone answer this question and it make sense to me? How can you spend 28 years of your life with someone and just walk away from them? I haven’t been on here in a very long time. I thought I was in R with my WH. It took me 31/2 years to be able to utter the words “I forgive you” and then I learn that was too long for my WH to deal with the damage he has caused. I evidently “broke” him with my lack of trust, questions, insecurities, becoming a person he doesn’t “love the way a husband should love his wife” anymore. Now he’s left me so that I can work on me before we can work on us. I pleaded with him to stay. He says his intention with moving out is not to divorce me but to use the time to work on us. How do you do that when you’re not together? How do you do that when you barely communicate? My heart is so broken. Will he ever stop hurting me and am I crazy to still believe there’s hope for us?

Odonna posted 6/26/2019 04:32 AM

Good morning. I am so sorry you are in such pain.

Can you tell us what has been going on since you discovered the affair? And more about your marriage and what happened? That always helps to ensure you get good advice.

Have you read “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald? It is free in pdf on-line. Read it yourself to see what a truly remorseful Spouse looks like. My guess is he has not been that husband, but rather has been wanting to rugsweep everything.

Did he go to individual counseling to find out what is so broken in him that he could cheat? I find it concerning that he thinks separation is for you to work on yourself; he is the one with the enormous problem. But IC would be good for you, also, to help you cope with this pain.

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:33 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 6/26/2019 05:14 AM

He moved out for only one reason - to avoid having to deal with your pain and the damage he caused to your marriage.

I’m not saying he is cheating.

I’m just saying he’s tired of facing the damage he caused and doesn’t want to deal with it unfortunately.

Wintergarden posted 6/26/2019 05:17 AM

The advice everyone keeps giving me is to work on yourself first. But I am inclined to agree with you that some things are just too hard to overcome. If I'm honest that's why I can't ask for more details. I know it will put my recovery back and I may never cope with the details. I also wonder how being apart helps resolve anything but just maybe he can appreciate what he had when he no longer has it. He takes a chance you wont leave the door ajar for his return and WHY should you?

I wonder if he can't live with his guilt. Why is this being blamed on your coping and recovery?

It just makes my blood boil they do the worst thing possible to us and then criticise when it still causes pain.

I feel for you, he is still causing you pain.

OwningItNow posted 6/26/2019 05:24 AM

If he has said to you that he does not love you the way a husband should love a wife, after what he did, and now he wants to move out but not divorce, I read from that, "He has suffered no consequences and thinks he can say and do whatever he wants." He seems very confident in his ability to have your love and your commitment no matter what he does.

Are you in IC? Is he?

There is no happiness or power found in another person. We cannot look to any other human to complete our lives. It feels to me that when we do that, we create an imbalance of power that cannot withstand such pressure. Have you been working on loving yourself through these years? Have you been healing yourself and making yourself strong? There are a lot of pieces to R, and one of them is strengthening ourselves so that we are fine no matter what happens to us, to show that we have power and value and if our wayward treats us badly, we have options. Taking back our power rebalances our relationship.

I feel how much pain you are in, and one way you can gain your own personal strength and autonomy is by removing his power over you. Tell him that he can do what he wants, but so can you. And you don't want a separation from the person you are married to. If he chooses this, you will file for divorce. And then do it. You can then find someone to give you the kind of respect and safety you deserve. When people treat us badly and we cling to them, they run farther away.

I'm so sorry for your pain, but you need to see that the person who can hurt you like this is not your remedy. It is a law of nature. We may want the one who causes our pain to be our solution, but he is not; we are our only solution. It is only when we stop pursuing that which harms us that our lives rebalance.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:31 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 6/26/2019 07:05 AM

There is no happiness or power found in another person. We cannot look to any other human to complete our lives

Great statement OIN.


I evidently “broke” him with my lack of trust, questions, insecurities, becoming a person he doesn’t “love the way a husband should love his wife” anymore.

Blameshifting - This is bullshit. He can't own his behavior and fix his brokenness. You don't own this he does, he is trying to blame you, but do NOT accept that.

He says his intention with moving out is not to divorce me but to use the time to work on us.

Translate: I want to have the freedom to do whatever I want, but I also want to keep you under my thumb.

Will he ever stop hurting me and am I crazy to still believe there’s hope for us?

This stops when you say it does. Personally I see zero remorse, and because of that I would encourage you to get yourself in IC, focus on your own healing. Learn that you deserve better, and can be really really happy without his abusive manipulative bullshit in your life.

I understand that you are heartbroken, but you can and will heal from this.

psychmom posted 6/26/2019 07:21 AM

I'm very sorry this is happening, DeservesBetter70.

He says his intention with moving out is not to divorce me but to use the time to work on us.

I call BS on this as well, unfortunately. He would stay and fight for you if he truly was invested in working on your M. The sad fact is thst if he wants to leave there is no stopping him. We can't control the actions or mind of another. You've told him what you want and need. And he's shared what he wants. What you are left with is what to do with YOU.

It really sucks that he's not being honest here, leaving you to think your inability to forgive him caused this. It did not. He caused it, this is the outcome he wanted.

The advice would be to begin the hard work of self-love and making your life as great as you can without him. When thsts not what we want that can seem nearly impossible. But he's telling you something you need to believe. Do one good thing for yourself today. And another act of kindness and good health again tomorrow. I found that a good IC was helpful in getting myself on a positive path. Do you have someone to talk to in real life?

DeservesBetter70 posted 6/26/2019 08:53 AM


Thank you. For being so straightforward. I cry at least once every day and your post brought on today’s tears. I am in IC on my third go around now. This one seems to be helping. Unfortunately the first two therapists were not much help and probably slowed down my healing process. The first one kept telling me that infidelity was part of life these days and I should just get a divorce and the second one kept telling me to just forgive him even though I wasn’t ready. Two very contrasting methods of therapy neither one good for my psyche at the time. My therapist now isn’t pushing me any way, just trying to help me find me again.

My WH is NOT the same man I fell in love with and married. The man I married would have never hurt me the way this man has. It’s a daily struggle to make it through the day without wanting to collapse and give up. Thankfully, I do have a couple of friends I’ve finally opened up to after all these years of dealing with this on my own. My family still does not know anything. I can’t tell them because for some reason I still feel the need to protect him. I know, stupid. He’s not trying to protect me.

My daughter recently found out about his infidelity and she has a hard time understanding why I care so much about him still. She says he’s changed and there’s nothing I can do about it and he’s no longer trustworthy. I wish it were that simple.

psychmom posted 6/26/2019 09:10 AM

Nothing about this is simple. It's the most complicated, messed up puzzle I've ever tried to wrap my head around. It was like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzles tossed in the air and scrambling to then put them together into a cohesive whole, when some of the pieces were now missing, or pieces from other puzzles somehow got mixed in. And then our emotions! All over the place, can't concentrate, cry at the drop of a pin. I'm so very sorry that you are experiencing this right now, DeservesBetter.

There's no way really to know what the end point of this will be. Maybe he'll do work on himself and come to a new understanding of what he wants out of his life. Maybe he won't. While you can't control what he does, you can choose to use this as an opportunity to create a life that suits you. Personally, I would likely start with doing the things that have consistently brought me pleasure -- long walks to clear my head, strolling through an art fair or museum, calling up a friend and sharing conversation over a glass of wine or coffee. The sadness will be there for awhile. The goal is not to escape it, but to lean into it and find joy in life as it is today.

I do hope for your sake that your H chooses to work with you. Will you be going to M counseling? That would be something I'd expect during this time if I were in your situation. Your last post sounds like he really has not been doing the work of R, of self-improvement, of making amends for all the crap choices he's made and the ways he's betrayed you and your daughter. If she's asking why you still care about him, and it's been 3.5 years since he cheated, it sounds like things have not been good. My daughter was here on DDay and saw all that was happening and knew what my H had done. She was very angry at him and did not speak to him for nearly 7 months. But she also saw us working on our M and saw him make changes, and eventually she softened toward him and grew to trust him again. For that I am very thankful. Thankful that he has kept his promises to become a better man and person.

I wish the same for you. Please take care of yourself, take care of your daughter. I was so blinded by my own pain I didn't always look out for my D as I should have. I will always regret that. My D should have been my priority, not my H at that time. But somehow we did get through it. Sending you a big hug this morning (((DeservesBetter)))

sisoon posted 6/26/2019 09:26 AM

I see blameshifting as well.

What were your requirements for R? Has he met them?

What has your H done to change from cheater to good partner in the last 3 1/2 years?

ThisIsSoLonely posted 6/26/2019 09:52 AM

He would stay and fight for you if he truly was invested in working on your M.

It sounds to me like your WH is still trying to control the outcome. I use to think controlling the outcome was a good idea - I mean we hear "take control" all the time right?

My WH has said recently (we are not in R - in fact we are headed in the opposite direction) that he is "impatient" and "wants me to get over it" even through he fully realizes that is impossible. He admits that he wants that for him, but he "knows" that he has to start working on his gut reactions to just run away and start over because that is what got him into this mess in the first place (part of it anyway). He is working on trying not to "blame" me because I don't trust him. He fully realizes how ludicrous it would be if I said that I did trust him after everything he has done, but he wonders if we "do the work" and I can't get over it, and we were to end up apart anyway where does that leave him/us? On the other hand he says that if I do leave and he doesn't fix his shit that he will still be in this nightmare or something similar with someone else (he described himself as a walking time bomb).

I have no idea if this is your WH but it sure sounds like it to me. My WH has only recently been coming to these realizations on his own and talking with me about it. He's been in IC for about 8 months now and it seems like finally something is sinking in for him. But he has to fight his "I want it right now" urges - his impatience as he calls it - with me and with everyone. Couple that with his FOO issues and his narcissistic tendencies and ouch is it difficult to deal with for everyone.

If your WH is leaving he may be running away - his own personal version of rug sweeping - or a whole bunch of other reasons - who knows what they may be. The only thing you know is that you can't control that. Gosh, that's been a hard thing for me to accept...but, I've finally gotten to the point that I really grasp and understand that I have to be able to rely on myself - fully and truly. Take this time to get yourself sorted out and take the same advice he should be taking: stop controlling the outcome, as you can't, no matter how much you want to. You can only control you.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:03 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 6/26/2019 10:00 AM

Now he’s left me so that I can work on me before we can work on us. I pleaded with him to stay. He says his intention with moving out is not to divorce me but to use the time to work on us

Typically, when the cheater wants separation, it's because they don't want us watching their actions too closely. IOW, they're still cheating or looking to cheat. That said, there are some who view themselves as victims of a vindictive BS who won't just "get over it". If you've spent any time looking into the Karpman Drama triangle, you'll note the revolving roles of "victim, rescuer, and perpetrator". These types have slipped into the "victim" role and now view us as "the perpetrator". It's a nifty blame-shifting technique, and as you've seen in the past, some therapists don't call them on their bullshit.

I know you're scared, but what are you losing here? Either he's cheating again or wanting to... or he's a perpetual damsel in distress who's being unfairly persecuted.

I do understand what it is to be married for such a long time. It's been 35 years for me, and it's difficult to imagine another life. But I'll tell you honestly, that if my fWH pulled this kind of stunt on me, I'd shove divorce papers so far up his ass he'd be tasting them for the rest of his life. He put me through hell already. If he's learned nothing from that experience, I don't want him. That's me and not you though, so no judgments here.


nekonamida posted 6/26/2019 10:14 AM

Typically, when the cheater wants separation, it's because they don't want us watching their actions too closely.

I agree. There's no good reason why he couldn't have told you this, stayed in the house, and worked on your marriage that way. It doesn't make sense that he wants to physically separate AND not divorce AND still "work on us" all at the same time unless of course there's someone else he can take a trial run with while he decides if he really wants to work on the marriage with you or not.

It's incredibly rare that a WS walks out of the marriage but doesn't want to D without there being someone new. If you look at my tag line, you will see that I've been here 5 years and I read for even longer before joining. I've seen it all and I what I haven't ever seen is a WS who has done what yours is doing without a new AP lined up. If everything he is saying is true, then he would be the first out of many.

Do you still have access to his phone, email, social media, etc. to check up on him? Could you hire a PI and make sure he isn't having someone else come over to his new place that you don't know about?

I'd like to point out that the above is meant to protect YOU. Obviously you're not going to want to invest time, effort, and heartache if this is all a sneaky ploy to test drive a new OW. If he's not up to something, great. His reasoning and issues with you still stink but it could maybe be something that you work with. You can still make a decision to wait, work on yourself, or not without that hanging over you. But the last thing you want to do right now is spend X number of months/years doing the work, pining, crying, and healing all for him to blindside you with divorce papers and a new GF. THAT is going to be much worse than doing whatever you can to ensure his faithfulness today.

cancuncrushed posted 6/26/2019 22:14 PM

I would def look into possible cheating. Not to project my issues ....... my Wh played out this whole story of how I was verbally abusive since his A. We were toxic. Blah blah

In reality. He had relapsed. He knew I would D him with a fourth relapse. He found a new AP. Planned a D. Saw lawyers. He lied. We were married 36 years. He chose alcohol and cheating instead of working on himself.

The cruelty with how he left with no warning no conversation. He just disappeared. How he found someone new before he left me. It’s all very cowardly and weak. Just in case it doesn’t work out Now I thank him.

FYI. Ow dumped him. We are D. He lost so much of his life. I did too It still amazes me how he set up this whole lie for ten months while preparing his new life

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:24 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

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