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Wtf do I do now?

layla1234 posted 6/22/2019 03:19 AM

Ugh. I'm going to post as little as possible. I already know how I feel about the situation. I had an event tonight from 6:30 to 9:30. Texted WH throughout and when I was on the way home. I'm the BS. He has a buddy in the neighborhood and his family is out of town so he was invited to hang out. He left at 10. Texted me at 1230 who he was with and sent a pic (at my request). I went to bed. Woke up at 4 a.m. and he's not in bed. Go downstairs and he is on the couch. I asked him what time he got home and he said 3. No call, no text so my heart was of course racing. I've just been asking myself for the last hour how I respond to this situation (I've come a long way in my self growth). Ughhhhhh.

bookworm19 posted 6/22/2019 03:40 AM

Oh dear, this really sucks. I remember hating this shit afer my dday, I'm really sorry.


You say that you already know how you feel about the situation. And how do you feel? Do you need reassurance?

Let me send you a big hug for now.

layla1234 posted 6/22/2019 03:47 AM

I'm feeling like I have no control over the situation. I've given him so many opportunities to try to build trust and demonstrate he can be a safe partner. He is failing miserably.

humantrampoline posted 6/22/2019 03:52 AM

I hope you're sleeping and ok. I just wanted to give you support and someone to talk to if you need it. This crap sucks. Strength. You can do this!

bookworm19 posted 6/22/2019 04:24 AM

You say

I've given him so many opportunities to try to build trust and demonstrate he can be a safe partner. He is failing miserably.

does this mean you have enough? What does he say?
I hope too you are taking care of yourself, maybe detaching a bit would ne good for you?

The1stWife posted 6/22/2019 06:36 AM

You cannot change him. ( I know you already know that).

but you can change your expectations and your reactions to his choices and behavior.

ibonnie posted 6/22/2019 08:54 AM

You have two little kids and a third on the way. There's no reason for him to be out until 3am, awake til 4am. What time do the kids wake up? Mine are awake by 6:30am, school days AND weekends.

During my WH's A, he thought he was entitled to go out and have fun because he was *such a good dad*. Which somehow meant he got to go out drinking and partying with his AP every Friday, and then sleep all Saturday morning, before getting up around noon with a hangover.

Post-A, he's home helping me put the kids to bed, watches a movie with me on the couch, and we alternate who gets to sleep in on weekend mornings. The person up with the kids makes coffee while the other partner gets to sleep in until 9 or so.

Layla, I wish I could hug you, because I've had my fair share of waking up alone in a panic, hoping that my WH was alive and safe, only to find out later he was... with his AP. An immature partner thinks you're trying to control them. A mature partner realizes this behavior is bullshit and you and your kids deserve better.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:56 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/22/2019 09:09 AM

I'm feeling like I have no control over the situation.

You are feeling powerless, but you do have power. You never had any control over the sitch. You only have control over yourself.

What are you going to do about it? (And, I don't mean in trying to get him to change.)

layla1234 posted 6/22/2019 09:21 AM

He came in when the kids woke up and spoke with me about it. Believe me, I wanted to go back to sleep. I think it just all goes back to me not trusting I have all the info related to the affair and that he doesn't empathize with what I go through as a BS. He said making me feel this way is not worth it, but he thought since he was in the neighborhood that I would be fine with it. I continue to watch his actions and am always convinced he's not doing all he should be as a remorseful spouse. I don't want to be his facilitator anymore. Having the feelings inside that there is more I don't know just makes these types of situations worse.

Chilli posted 6/22/2019 09:29 AM

is he doing anything that's worth noting? counselling? making other big efforts...

In all honesty, he doesn't sound like he is doing what he needs to do for you guys to R.

layla1234 posted 6/22/2019 09:30 AM

@ Ibonnie

He did get up with the kids at 6 a.m. and I went back to sleep. For the most part, we do exactly as you and your husband do which is nice. He has helped more around the house and we alternate bath nights each week and he does most of the cooking. Things are changing a little because it's summer and I'm off so we have had little tiffs here and there because he was not pulling his weight again. I told him I still need help and am getting bigger by the day and watching 2 kids. It's the stuff related to the affair and him not really ever wanting to bring it up or talk about it that makes me feel there is more.

josiep posted 6/22/2019 09:33 AM

"since he was in the neighborhood, he thought you'd be OK with it" is immature thinking shining through. IOW, he was doing as much as he thought he could get away with and explain away.

It also might be alcoholic or alcohol abuser thinking.

In any case, AlAnon would be very helpful to you.

I remember one time at a meeting describing a situation much like you just did and one of the members asked me, "who's the one with the problem here? the alcoholic who is acting like an alcoholic or the one who's expecting an alcoholic to NOT act like an alcoholic?"

Unfortunately, alcoholism (and drug addiction) often go hand in hand with infidelity. Not because of their drinking but because of their brain chemistry. And there's a growing school of thought in the scientific world that believes people who become alcoholics/addicts before age 25 end up with permanent brain changes that affect them for the rest of their lives and interfere with them making sane and mature decisions.

Going to a counselor who is well-versed in these things might help you come to terms with it all. It is all out of your control but you do still get to control you. Many people are able to remain in alcoholic marriages quite well when they live the philosophy of AlAnon and have the support of their group.

layla1234 posted 6/22/2019 09:34 AM

@ Chilli

He left his job where he worked with AP. Apparently hasn't had contact with her since November. I'm really not sure what to think there because I see so many posts about APs that keep fishing. He does go to counseling, but I'm not really sure he is seeing the right kind. This is also a counselor he lied to in the beginning. (We started counseling before Dday and he never admitted the affair to him). Also, after dday this counselor told him NOT to leave his job to save the marriage so I think he's an idiot.

Chilli posted 6/22/2019 09:41 AM

I'm sorry, I'm a little raw having had a false R myself so please don't overthink my reply you must make your own choice.

All I really want to say is that I regret giving my husband as many chances as he had, don't get me wrong giving someone chances is not wrong and can lead to good things, but I gave far too many and I wish I hadn't.

StillLivin posted 6/22/2019 14:41 PM

My X husband was out all night ONCE in our 10 year relationship and that was pre A. I told him if he ever spent the night gone, dont come back except to get his shot. I meant it. If he'd EVER stayed out all night, I would have divorced him. This was long before an A ever occurred in our marriage. A married man has no business being gone. Period. If we had successfully reconciled, one of my requirements would have been to never go out again without me. You're pregnant. It's ridiculous and unreasonable for him to he out all night.
I'm sorry but I would have packed his shit when I got up and sent the kids off to school.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/22/2019 17:53 PM

Agree with StillLiving. A married man with children and a pregnant wife has absolutely no business being out drinking. My fch has never just been out all night, either. Neither of us has.

I didn't like my fch's IC. I thought he focused too much on me when he should've been focused on my fch. I did not tell my fch not to see the IC anymore, but I did tell him that I disagreed with what they were focusing on.

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