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Terrain posted 6/20/2019 06:45 AM

Some of you may remember that I went to a work party with my husband a few weeks ago and I was expecting his AP to be there and she didn’t show.

Well, what I didn’t share about that night was there was another woman there (in her 20’s) who was watching us the entire night. She was watching us so much that I noticed and thought either she knows about his past or she has a thing for my husband.

We talked about it the rest of the weekend and he said I was reading too much into it. He said she was in a relationship and had a boyfriend. I commented back that being in a relationship doesn’t stop people from cheating. Overall it was a good conversation

Because we are being transparent with our phones and people we are communicating with. Last week when he got home from work he showed me a text he got from her on his way home from work. Her text was innocent enough and made fun of him lightheartedly for the way you drives. She had passed him on the road and try to get his attention, so she texted to make it known she had seen him.

He still didn’t think anything of it. Yesterday he had the day off and took our kids for an appointment where he works. They ran into her in the lobby. A while later he gets a text that her day had been made because she got to see him yesterday. As soon as I got home from work, he shared the text with me and he had not responded and said I think maybe you might be right.

We discussed that the texts seem innocent enough but also could be her testing the waters. Today he is going to let her know that as a married man, her texts cross the line for our relationship and that we have boundaries and her texts are not work related and need to stop.

Of course we are both second guessing ourselves wondering if we are giving her texts too much thought.

She sits right next to him all day long. So neither one is us wants to make this situation uncomfortable if we are wrong.

Anyone have any advice? I did say, maybe we hold off and see if she texts again. He would have nothing to do with that.

I’m happy with the way he has handled this, but now of course I’m a little concerned.

[This message edited by Terrain at 8:07 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Chaos posted 6/20/2019 06:50 AM

Is she texting him on a business or personal cell phone?

If personal - I am curious why she has his number.

FWIW I do agree - if things are as he claims - she is fishing. And he is right to institute clear and concise boundaries.

IMHO he needs to make sure she is not "friends" on any social media. And seriously consider [if a personal phone] deleting/blocking her number.

He may need to report her lack of them to her BF and [perhaps] HR.

layla1234 posted 6/20/2019 07:00 AM

Yea, she shouldn't even have his number. This would make me all sorts of uncomfortable. Sorry you're going through it.

Butforthegrace posted 6/20/2019 07:07 AM

Why does he know her relationship status? What possible relevance does that have to their work?

Terrain posted 6/20/2019 07:18 AM

It is a personal phone. It is a small office and they all have each other’s phone numbers. No one else from his office has ever really texted him. The office will use a calling tree maybe 1-2 times a year and that is why everyone has each other’s numbers.

We have stopped using social media and have access to each other’s accounts and I do check his often. We also randomly check each other’s phones.

He is doing all the right things and I’m grateful.

[This message edited by Terrain at 7:19 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Lalagirl posted 6/20/2019 07:19 AM

I am curious why she has his number.

Where I work, we have a staff directory which includes everyone's cell and/or home phone numbers.

However...we are only supposed to call or text in case of a work-related urgent matter or if we need to report a personal situation rendering us unable to make it to work.

I think the texting is out of line either way (work or personal cell). Especially since she didn't text anything about your son when she saw them.

She sits right next to him all day long.

How does she act toward him during the day? Do they discuss personal stuff (family, etc.)? Which leads back to the "made her day" text - jeez, she sees him all day, why would seeing him make her day?

I agree with your H - time to nip this in the bud. Screw the uncomfortable stuff - she needs to understand boundaries.

layla1234 posted 6/20/2019 07:29 AM

I also hope he is going to have this conversation with her via text or email so you can see the dialogue. I always had my suspicions about convos my WH showed me because like you, they literally sat right next to eachother so he could have leaned over and said "respond this way so my wife will think it's over". Obviously, I'm still working on trust.

Chaos posted 6/20/2019 07:30 AM

I have many male co-workers and an emergency calldown list. That being said - it is NOT used for personal chit chat. We are co-workers and not friends. No emergencies = no use. Just that simple.

Your WH should shut this down quick. While his actions have seem transparent and accountable - hers are not. She's entered Not Just Friend's territory. Your WH needs to remove her from that. IF she won't stop on her own, he can enlist the help of HR. If a desk change is an option, it should happen ASAP. If not, a request should be made.

Has he been responding to her texts? If so, that will only encourage her. And sends her mixed signals.

Your call but if you want to get in touch with her BF and let her know she's been texting your WH - that's up to you. I'd be tempted for sure. Without any notice or warning.

Marie2792 posted 6/20/2019 07:59 AM

If he is not sure whether she is fishing or not and doesn’t want to ruffle feathers, he can send an email to his office team stating that his personal cell phone is for emergency contact only and work related matters only.

But she is definitely testing the waters.

Lalagirl posted 6/20/2019 08:00 AM

he shared the text with me and he had not responded

This is awesome. Did he respond to her first text?

Terrain posted 6/20/2019 08:16 AM

He replied to her first text wine a haha, I’m a safe responsible driver. Nothing further.

He did not respond to her second message at all.

I told him last night that this situation is tricky and it is a certainly a test for us. I am expecting him to be honest with me and I am putting my trust in him (this is hard) to do the right thing for us and our family.

Thankfully, they are going to be moving my husband in the next couple of weeks to a different area of the office where his contact with her will be less. It is a small office so they will still have some contact.

The1stWife posted 6/20/2019 08:26 AM

The red flag 🚩 Is “you made my day” type of comment (because she saw him in the building at work).

She. Needs. To. Back. Off !!!!

Highly inappropriate and yes she is testing the waters.

I know women like her. I have been the victim of boyfriend poachers (they tried but did not always succeed) and women who pretended to be my friend to get close to my H.

And it starts very innocent. Then the poacher makes their “move”. This co-worker is making her move although very subtle.

Cooley2here posted 6/20/2019 08:43 AM

Use his phone and text, “Hi, I’m ***wife and I think about him too. He thinks about me which is why I read all his texts.”

Notmine posted 6/20/2019 09:34 AM

I would advise to ignore any texts that are not business related. This should give her the message. If she mentions that he did not respond to her text(s), he can tell her that he feels that it is not appropriate for a married man to exchange personal texts with a woman who is not his wife. Nothing personal, it is a business relationship.

emergent8 posted 6/20/2019 10:05 AM

I don’t think there is anything innocent about her most recent text. The first one she may have been testing the waters but it was innocent enough that she may have just been being friendly. The second one is an obvious boundary crossing. I think it’s obviously a good thing that your H is being honest with you about the messages but I think he should re-evaluate his in-person interactions with her to really ask himself if he’s being appropriate. My guess is that he is being overly friendly/comfortable with her - consciously or not. He should absolutely shut this down clearly and concisely and make it clear to her that a) her advances are inappropriate and b) he is happily married and has no interest in crossing boundaries. This will be awkward, no doubt, but it is important to get his point across. Make sure it’s coming from him. Do not let him use you as the bad cop (ie. my wife is uncomfortable with this), as the implication would be that he is fine with it.

Good luck, we’re rooting for you two.

Side note, during the A, I attended a work social event with my WH. During it, I noticed that COW seemed to be watching me throughout the night. At the time I didn’t think anything of it. On D-Day it was the first thing I remembered.

ibonnie posted 6/20/2019 10:23 AM

A while later he gets a text that her day had been made because she got to see him yesterday. As soon as I got home from work, he shared the text with me and he had not responded and said I think maybe you might be right.

He should've just texted back, "That's weird. I'm sorry that your life is so lame that seeing an older MARRIED coworker 'made your day.'"

allusions posted 6/20/2019 10:30 AM

It is 100% obvious her texts are flirtatious and inappropriate. A good way to tell: What if the same texts had been coming from a man? Imagine your husband gets a text from a guy at work named 'Bob' that says "My day was made because I got to see you." Really weird, right? What would he think about 'Bob' watching him at a party all night? Or 'Bob' trying to get his attention on the road, then texting him that he saw him?

Sometimes flipping things around gives you a better view of a situation. You are not second-guessing yourselves.

Chaos posted 6/20/2019 10:33 AM

allusions has a good point. It would seem weird for Bob to text him these things.

And how would he feel if a male co-worker was texting them to you...

LLXC posted 6/20/2019 10:58 AM

How about he just ignore her texts, rather than tell her she is crossing boundaries? Or he could say, my wife would hate to see these texts. If she is just super friendly, she will stop. If she is trying to hook up with your husband she will respond differently and your husband can just explain that he is happily married

emotionalaffair1 posted 6/20/2019 11:04 AM

This type of stuff is exactly what created such a mess in my marriage. It's a lack of personal boundaries at work, and it gets so many people into trouble. I agree with everyone who thinks it's fishy that this woman is texting your husband. He has the power to stop it by not responding to anything personal - if she asks, Notmine's advice on how your husband should respond is spot-on. I know I probably sound extreme, but I don't believe married people or people in committed relationships have any buisness texting same-sex coworkers in a personal manner. All texts should be work-related, particularly when there has been a past history of infidelity.

[This message edited by emotionalaffair1 at 11:06 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]