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WS who write one thread then nothing else

Justgetitoverwith posted 6/15/2019 19:37 PM

Why do you do it? Were you pressured into it by BS? Did you not like the replies or advice you were getting? Did you lose interest or think you didn't have any other issues which needed addressing?

Not a bashing thread, but as a BS, I no longer can trust words from WS, only action. So even if WS tells me he reads SI every day, unless he discusses relevant things with me (which I've asked him to do regularly, but he rarely does), or comments in threads, I fail to see that he has taken any of it onboard, internalized it, or acted on it. And then it feels like just another rock box or hoop to jump through in his quest to show he is doing the work. But without actually getting it, iyswim. Or believing it.

Ever since I joined, I have regularly passed on or discussed things with WS which I felt were relevant to us. It often leads to useful or enlightening discussion. I'm not saying I'd expect the same level of interaction from every WS, but if you don't engage with anything on a thread, or discuss it, or incorporate those ideas into your own actions, what are you actually getting from it? Help me understand, please.

As the focus group of this query are unlikely to post (for the very reasons I'm asking about), replies are also very welcome from anyone else with an opinion!

Want2BHappyAgain posted 6/19/2019 06:28 AM

I told my H I needed him to post on here after I caught him in a lie shortly after DDay. He had a few posts... but what helped him the most were the WHís who sent him PMís to talk more one on one with him.

My H didnít feel that reading or writing on here was a good fit for him... but he kept searching for other ways to get help. He found it in the Bible .

I have seen some Waywards who post a lot on here and sometimes wonder if they arenít getting their ego kibbles ďfixĒ by doing so. I know of one WH who would constantly post...but never seemed to ďget itĒ. His BW came on here and set the record straight. I havenít seen a post from him in a while. I guess his ego kibbles ran out.

sigma1299 posted 6/19/2019 06:58 AM

I certainly understand your question and no doubt your hypothesis is correct about many WS. The only thing Iíll add is that online forums arenít for everyone so sometimes it just doesnít work for the individual. As an example Iím a WS and I received an enormous amount of help from a site just like SI. So much help that I encouraged my BS to join so she could get some benefit too, even with me being a very active member. She signed up, started reading, posted a little, but it quickly became apparent that it just wasnít her thing. It just didnít resonate with her, sheís much more a into face to face contact. I hated it because I got so much help but if it just doesnít work for her it just doesnít work.

I can see the desire for a BS to have their WS come here and read the various threads and I can see that it could be very beneficial for both. I guess my point is that not everyone engages with this format so while itís always a WS job to do what the BS needs, I wouldnít read too much into it if the donít engage with SI to the same degree.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/19/2019 07:52 AM

I told my fch about this site soon after I joined. I can't remember if I asked him to join, but he did. He posted a few times, and then stopped. He says it was because he's just not a message board person (I believe that as he doesn't use any other social media), and he wanted it to be a safe place for me.

That might be partly true, but I don't think that's all of it. I think he didn't like the responses he got. He wasn't ready to face himself. It probably didn't help that I called him out on his BS, either. I've always wondered if that was the right thing to do.

He found irl help. We are now reconciled. So, SI is not necessary for recovery.

cptprkchp posted 6/19/2019 10:59 AM

Just-

I think many waywards are not ready to hear what others have to say to them. Itís a huge shock to go from ego kibbles from AP then DDay to NC with AP then angry BS then here. Itís like you just walked out of hot yoga and someone dumps you in a pool of ice water. Itís not an excuse because there is no excuse but pulling ones head out of ones ass does not happen in a moment. You have it 100% correct - trust action, not words!

Krystlebefore posted 6/19/2019 14:55 PM

As a wayward - to be fair iím Quite a long way out from my infidelity and found this site for someone else (so just that as an explanation)
I read every day - and contemplate things - this site has helped me work through loads of things i never realised i needed to work through and i only post rarely when i feel strongly about something as most other waywards on here are more articulate.

Fresh WS - i do read in the wayward section but find it quite stressful when the newer ones are posting - remembering what it was like to be so lost and on such a horrible pathway - if you watch those that keep posting you see them move from that state to something more approaching remorse (in my view real remorse takes a long time to get to with lots of soul searching)

So - whilst it looks slow in wayward i think there is lots of internal processing going on?? I like to hope so - thatís certainly the case for me.
Having rambled about all of that - there have certainly been cases where the WS is here trying to pretend remorse - its all show and very obvious, we have something like that going on now and from ?last year a horrible horrible case of it if you remember.
Anyway just my thoughts.

STLLOST posted 6/19/2019 16:45 PM

I told my wife about this site when I found it. I told her I had been reading a lot of the posts on here and it was helping. She told me she thought I should post to get some first hand help. I told her I took her advice and posted so she came on here and figured out which was mine and read it. Then she started reading all of the different posts and she had an epiphany when she read the conversations about "the fog". And she jumped in 100%. She spent a few days reading a bunch of posts here and journaling and looking up reading material to follow up on, like how to help heal your spouse. I had such amazing hope at that time. She even put a post in the WS forum saying she was trying to fix herself to save her marriage and that she wants to help me heal and be better.

So it was one topic that was started by her and she did post on that topic 3 different times but that was it. She did not like getting called out for her actions and she did not like the follow up posts by everyone on my topic. That was that. I have sent her topics that I thought might resonate with her that I find in the WS forum about how some of the BS have a hard time with the NC but how it has to be done and how it has helped them. And she'll tell me thank you and it will hit home and then her AP talks to her and it all goes to shit again. She'll still come on here every once in awhile and look up my profile and read my posts and throw some of the things I say up in my face. But at this point I don't care anymore. She hasn't done one damn thing to work on us even though she'll swear up and down she has tried for the last year and a half working on fixing our marriage.

Funny how someone can think they are working on fixing their marriage when they won't go more than a week without talking to their affair partner...well it's not really an affair partner at this point, it's her girlfriend. What a wide array of feelings.

So I think some come on here and post and make sure their WS knows they've posted to make them think they are going to put the work in to give them a chance at reconciliation. I think some come on here with good intentions and then when they get blasted and called on the carpet for their shitty behavior they cower and become indignant and they don't come back because they feel they don't deserve being talked to like that.

Justgetitoverwith posted 6/19/2019 16:51 PM

Thanks guys! I'd had no responses for a few days and thought I'd self selected a topic no-one was going to feel inclined to respond to.

All of those reasons are relevant to different people, dependant in their personality, I guess. The thing that gets me about my WS, is that he's always spent a lot of time on social media, and enjoys posting his opinion and responding to others, especially the ones he disagrees with, and posting the fun things/places he gets up to on FB (which is 90% stuff he does while working away). Although he's cut down this interaction massively since I realised (this included inappropriate FB messaging of a female colleague, massive amounts of porn clicking on reddit and many other sites, friend requests on Twitter or whatever by slut women, etc), so it's not as if he's uncomfortable interacting online. Yet his excuse when I asked why he didn't ask for advice on here (after a very lackluster attempt at looking for ANY information to help) was along the lines of not wanting to be told he was a bad person. Despite the fact that I told him for years that everyone was respectful to each other, has been in the same position, and could offer specific tried and tested advice.

He finally joined amd posted after I told him not to come back after being caught in yet another lie about his interaction while away with a colleague he was attracted to. We are having recurrent problems, which he can't be concerned about, as he hasn't asked for any advice since his only thread ran its course! He does read SI some days, but has only mentioned things once or twice, not to discuss how they are relevant to us (which I tend to do), so I don't see anything being internalized or adopted by him.

Similar thing with his IC I pushed him into seeing. The second, because he lied to the first, who I'd asked him to see about his lying! He was resistant for a long time, and they don't seem to talk much about how he allowed himself to behave the way he did (ea/pa), past some labelling of certain traits. Which is now the house to excuse. But that just means ho's core reason is the same now, so another A is just as likely, given the right conditions. His IC seemed fixated on how to act moving forward without really sorting the issues which causes his shit behaviour.

He wouldn't speak to anyone face to face to set up an accountability partner while away, (although after being told to leave, he has done) and wouldn't get one online because he didn't see how it could be useful. Though after reading nofap on reddit, he apparently decided that would be a good idea. I have never told him to restrict that, although I did tell him to stop with the porn, so now I see nofap as his attempt to stop using porn, as I'm sure they were linked for a long time.

So full of inconsistencies. And excuses. Doesn't want to interact online, has to be pushed into it IRL. There's some movement now, but a tiny effort considering this all started to come out in 2016. The progress is way too slow, considering he's going away in a few weeks - for 5 months. No doubt he's recognised himself in this post too.

Want2 - yes, I see how the ego kibbles thing would work!

Sigma - I'm glad you got a lot of help here, I really wish my WS would interact more, he loves to interact on SM, but obviously that gives him good, superior feels...

Coco - maybe not necessary, but I feel it would help him understand quicker...

Cpt - yup, I think this is probably it.

Krystal - I hope there's a lot of internal processing, but it certainly hasn't sufficiently changed his behaviour, as he will still get angry, and choose to continue in a lie if he thinks I can't find out differently - this is a major thing to me. And it hasn't improved.
I don't think I remember the WS you mention - I don't go on that forum much, as a lot of the new WS attitudes give me the rage!

Sorry for the massive vent!!

ChangeMe1 posted 6/19/2019 16:59 PM

In my early days on SI, i didnt post because I was a coward. Too scared to put myself out there because I knew I would get hurt.

Then I started to post 'safely, trying to say the right things to sound like I was on the right path. I was worried my BW would see things I wrote and if I wasn't saying the right things things would get worse.

Then one of the more vocal Waywards called me a "Taker" in a post, I honestly burst into tears at it. That almost stopped me posting again.

Now I know that I need to listen when someone tells me I'm wrong. I need to take in what's said around here and I need to be honest with my thoughts opinions and actions because only by being open can you get actually useful real feedback.

The problem is though, it's a journey in itself to get there and it starts with opening yourself up when you are a) at your most open to criticism and b) deep in victim mode.

So I think there's a lot of people who just aren't ready to expose themselves to that level if painful introspection, or only want to post of they can get an echo of how right they are back.

In essence, somone who posts, doesn't like what they hear and runs away, is still demonstrating wayward behaviour.

In my opinion anyway.

Krystlebefore posted 6/19/2019 18:22 PM

Oh dear
Doesnít sound very remorseful at this point and probably no internal processing - for me anger (except at yourself and keep it to yourself) has no place and isnít there when you are truly remorseful. Lying still? Yep not even close. Sorry to say those things but i think you realise anyway.
Although iím a wayward i really support the nuclear approach from BSs - some of us are not going to get it until our worlds are blown up.

I guess being here is shining a mirror on yourself and what looks back is truly horrible - but if you arenít willing to confront that how do you ever get to be a safe partner?
Anyway iím Just stating the obvious.

Justgetitoverwith posted 6/19/2019 18:38 PM

Then I started to post 'safely, trying to say the right things to sound like I was on the right path. I was worried my BW would see things I wrote and if I wasn't saying the right things things would get worse.

Change - This is what I feel he's doing... He's getting better at saying what he thinks I want to jear/he should be saying, while still demonstrating W thinking and behaviour. And using all the excuses he now knows.
I'd hoped he would have the 'epiphany' too
But although Jes told me a number of times that he now gets it, he still lied when it mattered. I really hoped hearing all the stuff from other WS or fWS would have an effect, and everyone was supportive, to my eyes. Maybe he didn't like hearing some home truths from strangers. He's used to hearing it from, and it obviously doesn't have any effect. I wish he'd acted more like you, Change. Three years is ridiculous to still need calling out on lying. Although he has told me things other ppl initiated, and the most recent time he looked at a possibly inappropriate article online, he still clearly tried to protect a previous lie about his behaviour. The obvious implications of this is that he will still protect shit he's done in the past which I don't know about, even if he behaves impeccably from now on. And that's just not good enough, because you can't build an honest relationship on lies.

Before he posted his one and only thread, he was saying how hard he was finding it having been told to stay away, and was thinking about finally going on SI and posting his story as a cautionary tale about how not to fuck everything up. Why didn't he want to go post for advice? Stuck in his role as the victim, I guess? That's not the mindset of someone who wants to do anything to fix things, is it?

So I think there's a lot of people who just aren't ready to expose themselves to that level if painful introspection, or only want to post of they can get an echo of how right they are back.

Its an ongoing, long term pattern that he always has to be right. Which he now admits.

Stilllost - sorry to hear your wife still doesn't get it. Everything has to be on their terms, doesn't it? The work they choose to do (or not), the things they deem important, the timeline in which effort is made... Although my WS doesn't talk to the AP and hasn't for a long time since he ghosted her - after she said it was unfair to be seeing us both , then telling me he was leaving, and changing his mind (so she was the first choice come crunch time), he's had many, many years to change his ways. The deadline to him going away for a long period is rapidly approaching, and he just keeps proving that he can't be trusted to be honest. Feels like he doesn't care enough now. It's still all about him. Much like your wife, I suspect.

OwningItNow posted 6/19/2019 19:24 PM

When people come here to get help, they stay. When people come here because they are supposed to, they are gone in a minute.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:25 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

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