SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have read so many books and watched so many videos that I feel like my head is spinning in hyperdrive. Yet, I am not feeling a lot of "A ha" moments. Our situation is so unique that I don't even know if it was an affair. Somebody help, please?

My husband and I had only been dating for 4 months when he met his "affair partner" (if you call her that). Yes, him and I went in hard and serious and were living together right away and already talking marriage and family.

They met at work after 4 months of us being together and he checked out of the relationship as soon as he checked into that one. They were together for almost a year and the entire time he gaslighted me and completely shut me out of his life.

We still lived together, and had about 3 minutes of terrible sex (when it use to be hours of amazing sex) every so often. But other than that, he seemed more focused on trying to convince me that I was mentally unstable than anything.

I got pregnant a little over a year after we had gotten together, when my doctors switched my birth control. It interacted with my medication and..then came baby. I stayed so focused on my pregnancy and giving birth to my beautiful son, I ignored his ignoring me.

We had a short, courthouse wedding and 4 months later is when his ex affair partner got ahold of me and told me about their affair.

She claims they did sleep together and he denies there was anything more than kissing, holding hands, grabbing her butt and sexting for almost a year. I even spoke with her husband and he told me that yes, they even did a paternity test for her pregnancy that happened during the affair. The husband is the father. My husband has taken 2 polygraphs and failed. But, even over 3 years later, he is still holding onto his plea of they never slept together.

He says he was with her because she was skinnier and prettier and even had me do dangerous surgeries so he would not cheat again but he still did. He told me that he was in love with his affair partner but he has never felt the way he did with her and he has never been able to show me love. He has admitted, recently, that he has always been searching for someone else.

Was it an affair?

Why have I stayed?

Am I just a piece of shit?

I feel like I deserve better sometimes but he tells me I have to WAIT for him to get better.

You are not a piece of shit! None of this is in any way your fault. Your CH has some issues.

Yes, it was an A. He's lying to you. He's gaslighting you. I'm as certain as I can be from what you've shared that they had sex. But, even if they didn't have sexual intercourse, he has still admitted to a physical affair.

The question is, why do you believe him, or at least want to believe him?

To Coco:

I am still trying to figure out how to use this site, so bare with me.

I am not sure anymore. Honestly, most of me wants out. The other part wants to stay for our son. I know he has never loved me and never will. He gets so huffy and rolls his eyes every time I say this. He has been diagnosed with Antisocial personality disorder on the Psychopathy side and is definitely a Passive aggressive Narcissistic person (not diagnosed).

When asked how he felt when he was with her, he said "I guess I felt excited, like, adrenalized if that makes sense, I felt like I was more than what I actually am, like more confident, bigger and "badder", I don't know if that makes sense... I'm having a hard time explaining it..."

My question is..why did I never make him feel that way? I was a model when I met him and extremely beautiful. He was this young kid who was a gamer nerd with little friends. I constantly built him up and his friends were envious and told him how he was "living the dream". I cooked and cleaned, we had amazing sex..often! Every day! I dressed up everyday for him and tried everything to make him feel my equal.

So..why did he pick out a prostitute (yes, she had a solicitation charge) who he claims they never had sex and he felt better with her. He lost all of his friends and family (except his mother) due to this.

Now his behavior just keeps getting worse and his excuses are "I just feel I can't do anything right."

He had sex with an ex during the first week of us talking to get to know each other. He was even trying to hook up with another girl prior to his affair. After his affair, he continued to look for someone else and that has not stopped.

He is now in therapy and he says he is trying to learn how to show me love.

But why was he able to give it so freely to her but has never been able to do that for me?

We have been together for 6 years. He even admits he has never been in love with me and still wants me to lose weight now.

FUCK. THAT. GUY.

I have nothing nice to say about your partner.

I won't call him a husband....or dis honors real husbands

With that diagnosis....I would tell you to RUN. LIKE YOU WERE ON 🔥

If you have to save someone....it's you & your son.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 4:33 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

What benefit do you get from this marriage?

I don't see where he said he felt better with the OW. That excitement and adrenaline probably had to do with the illicitness of it. It didn't have anything to do with the OW. When someone cheats, it's all about them. No one else really matters.

I agree that, with a diagnosis like that, it would probably be better for you and your son to get out. He is abusing you. Do not allow it to continue.

FG, he's lying about the sex. It wouldn't make any sense for the OW to lie to her BS and go through a paternity test for no reason. All of the evidence you have says he did it. So stop even entertaining the idea that he may not have just because he continues to be a liar 3 years later.

Do you really think you are doing your son any favors by staying? He has one parent who's miserable and distracted and another who only cares about his next hook up. If you leave, at least he gets one parent who is happy and stable for him. Kids are more affected by the stress and unhappiness of their parents than most think. Both him and you deserve better than this.

Our situation is so unique that I don't even know if it was an affair.

If you've read books and watched movies about infidelity, I'm not sure what you think is so unique?

Your husband is a cheater. Cheaters lie.

Your husband is admitting to you that he had a physical affair with another woman. Kissing, holding hands, touching her butt? That's all physical. Sexting? That part falls somewhere between and EA (emotional affair) and PA (physical affair).

The OW (other woman)/AP (affair partner) is telling you he's a liar, that it went further and they slept together. What does she have to gain from telling you this?

The OBS (other betrayed spouse) is telling you they had a paternity test done to confirm her pregnancy/child is her husbands. The only reason why they would need a paternity test is if the OW was sleeping with other people. Why would the OBS lie to you about this? What does he have to gain?

My husband has taken 2 polygraphs and failed.

Why do you think he failed two polygraphs? (This isn't a retorical question, I'm curious.)

But, even over 3 years later, he is still holding onto his plea of they never slept together.

Well... he's a cheater, and cheaters lie. There are a few posters on here (one very recently) that were lied to by their WS (wayward spouses) for YEARS about things like whether on not that had full-blown PIV (penis is vagina) sex, and then two, five, ten years later the truth comes out.

He says he was with her because she was skinnier and prettier and even had me do dangerous surgeries so he would not cheat again but he still did.

This is incredibly cruel. Had you do dangerous surgeries? Why not just say, "fuck this shit," and leave? Who was paying for these surgeries? Why didn't you express to the doctor/surgeon your reservations? And if you're saying "so he would not cheat again but he still did," why are you not sure if he had an affair?

He told me that he was in love with his affair partner but he has never felt the way he did with her and he has never been able to show me love. He has admitted, recently, that he has always been searching for someone else.

Again, this is incredibly cruel and you deserve better. If he has always been searching for someone else, let him. Work on healing yourself and then maybe find someone that has always been searching for you.

Was it an affair?

Yes. What makes you think it wasn't?

Why have I stayed?

This is something you need to figure out. We can't tell you why. If you're not in counseling, I would recommend you find someone that specializes in trauma, abusive relationships and/or antisocial personality disorder.

Am I just a piece of shit?

Absolutely not!! I think that you might be in an abusive situation though, and need help. Do you have any family or friends that you can confide in for support?

I feel like I deserve better sometimes but he tells me I have to WAIT for him to get better.

You deserve better all the time, and no, you don't have to wait around and put up with his abuse and wait for it to happen. Not to mention, I don't think people with antisocial personality disorder and/or psychopathy are capable of having true empathy or remorse for their actions. Is it even possible for him to get better? What actions is he taking? Can you meet with his psychiatrist and/or counselor?

The other part wants to stay for our son. I know he has never loved me and never will. He gets so huffy and rolls his eyes every time I say this. He has been diagnosed with Antisocial personality disorder on the Psychopathy side and is definitely a Passive aggressive Narcissistic person (not diagnosed).

Why would you want to raise your son around him? I understand he's his father so you can't keep him away from him entirely, but please research what happens to children raised by narcissistic parents.

My question is..why did I never make him feel that way? I was a model when I met him and extremely beautiful. He was this young kid who was a gamer nerd with little friends. I constantly built him up and his friends were envious and told him how he was "living the dream". I cooked and cleaned, we had amazing sex..often! Every day! I dressed up everyday for him and tried everything to make him feel my equal.

It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. Google "they always affair down."

Now his behavior just keeps getting worse and his excuses are "I just feel I can't do anything right."

He had sex with an ex during the first week of us talking to get to know each other. He was even trying to hook up with another girl prior to his affair. After his affair, he continued to look for someone else and that has not stopped.

This behavior is NOT OKAY. You deserve better than this!!!!! So, so much better. Please find yourself a therapist and start figuring out why you're remaining in this abusive situation. Please start meeting with lawyers to get advice and figure out your options.

But why was he able to give it so freely to her but has never been able to do that for me?

We have been together for 6 years. He even admits he has never been in love with me and still wants me to lose weight now.

ForeverGrey, there is something wrong with him. That's why he's a shitty, cheating, verbally abusive partner. Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't love you? Not with his words, and certainly not with his actions. Why do you want this relationship to be the model your child sees? Would you want someone to treat your child like this? Or would you want your child to treat another person the way you're being treated? Your child is going to grow up thinking one of the two is normal.

Yes, I think you need to lose some weight immediately -- about 180 lbs. or it (or however much he weighs).

I completely agree with everything you have ALL said. I think I was just looking for Validation in my true feelings of KNOWING that this relationship is TOXIC!

I believe I have been conditioned for so long that it has, up until very recently (I just got myself off of all of the medications that were horribly messing with my Judgement) made me think that things would change and that it needed to be this way.

I read on another post that someone said something like, "I went through so much abuse and hell as an infant, child, teen, young adult and so on. To you it may sound like horrors beyond belief. To me, it has just been my life as I have known it." Something along those lines. This really hit home for me as I could have wrote it myself.

I have even been telling my spouse that this is NOT how I want our son to grow up. In NO WAY is this ok. But he continues to say, "Babe..please! I'm going to change!"

I told him today that he has to check himself into a rehabilitation facility immediately. We shall see what happens.

If he cannot take this seriously, do you all have my back to help me figure out how to safely get out? Because I clearly am not thinking clearly for myself and I do not have any friends or family to help me as a support team.

I am here for support and I am going to need it. I am at your mercy and fully admitting that I need a wake up call and to be reprogrammed into knowing what to do from here.

Because all I hear in my head right now is..

"Babe..PLEASE....!!!!!"

I'm confused why you're so confused and why you're husband's cliche affair seems so unique only to you. Yes, cheating means affair. Adults have sex, you didnt need his AP to confirm them having sex. And those alarm bells ringing is your git screaming at you that he is lying. Listen to your gut instead of the lies your husband spouts. Liars lie. Let's pretend he didn't have an affair. His behavior is still divorce worthy, except he cheated too.

Get out or stay and continue to be disrespected, gaslighted, and lied to. The only truthful thing your husband has admitted to is not loving anyone but himself.

Why did you marry someone who treated you so poorly...understatement? Why DO you stay? What are you afraid of? I think you need to find a qualified therapist to help you figure out why you don't love yourself enough and why you dont think you are already enough for anyone? It's one thing to undergo surgical procedures because you want to make changes. It's completely dysfunctional to alter your body because you want to please someone else in order not to lose them. Your attitude should have been, "If you dont like my body, you can go fuck yourself all the way out the door while I help you pack your shit!"

Please get help learning your self worth and why you self worth tanked in the first place. Nobody should be treated the way you have been. Hugs.

I hope that you have read up on antisocial personality disorder. I had many classes in college about personality disorders and his is the worst. It means he has no ability to love. He will never have any ability to love. He will always look for excitement wherever he can find it. If you get in his way he could be dangerous. People who are serial killers are antisocial. Does that get your attention? Take your child and run!

Oh my... you need to leave.. it should be obvious by now he’s not changing.

And I don’t know why you stayed with him after only being together 4 months and him running off with another woman.

Run away quick.

Let me clarify. What I mean by being unique is that..I am constantly hearing "You have been with this person for so long and then they did this to you." Or "You married this person and they took vows." Or "What went wrong in your relationship?"

We were together for a week before he started looking elsewhere.

We were together for 4 months before he basically checked out of our relationship and had an even deeper connection and relationship with his AP (which he has admitted he was in love with her, felt he found better, was thinking of leaving me but then we found out I got pregnant.)

He was not able to hold both relationships at once. He was not even really able to hide it as I knew right away but FOOLISHLY (GO LIGHTLY WITH ME HERE AS I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY PART IN THIS) let him Gaslight me and I stayed anyways..even though I knew and he fully stopped bringing anything to our "relationship".

So there are so many more times that I say, "but that does not apply to our situation." In books and videos than there are "A ha" moments so it makes me more angry that I let it continue and married him anyways.

I am not saying he did not cheat..I am saying it was just different than what I am seeing traditionally in books and videos.

I hope this clears things up.

Not to make excuses, but I did not know FOR SURE until after we already had a child and got married about his affairs. It was brought to my attention by the AP (the nearly year long one) a year after it ended with her.

However, no matter how much I was Gaslighted..I knew. I should have just gotten out. I know my self esteem is crap and I know why. I wont go on about why I have Complex PTSD because I'm not looking for pity and my story is very triggering and has caused a lot of problems in the past when I have tried to share it.

But I can take responsibility for my part in this. Please read my comments through this thread. Thank you to all of you! I hope I have found a safe place to finally have support as I have NO ONE on the outside.

I don't know if we are allowed to do links here. But I just watched a video that had me nodding my head the entire time!!

If you watch this video, you can see exactly where I am at.

It's on you tube and its called "Covert Narcissist and grief: Do they grieve the relationship?" By Angie Atkinson.

I am totally Emily and he is totally Ned! This video hit home as it is truly how I have felt and explains what happens during this kind of relationship.

My eyes are opening!

Nothing you ever did and nothing you could ever do made this guy into a narcissist. It's not about you. It's about him. So, don't be so hard on yourself. You couldn't have caused this.

Here's the downside to true narcs though... one day he WILL discard you. When he's unable to wring enough value from you, he'll blame you for not providing enough sex, love, attention, money, or what-have-you, and he'll be gone. So, the real question is 'how many years of your life are you willing to waste?'. It's just not true that a crappy father is better than no father. All a child needs is one loving, stable, sane parent.

((big hugs))

My husband is on this site. He has posted some things ONLY because I have been begging him to so he can get perspective. He gets angry when he sees others are validating my feelings. He would have never admitted these things about himself until now that he is seeing I am on my way out the door. Now he is in "Well, I am just horrible" behavior. Kind of like victim role. He just does not get it.

Thank you all so much!!!!

I know he has never loved me and never will.

You and your child deserve much better than this.

You need to show your child (when older) this is not acceptable behavior and should not be tolerated.

He is emotionally abusive at best. He has never loved you the way that you deserve and that’s unfair. Please get into counseling and get yourself checked for STDs.

Then make your game plan.